It's what is on the inside that counts

[Octoberfest]

The title is something my mom told me quite a bit growing up... .I was a late bloomer in the looks department, but I am doing pretty well nowadays and I know it.  My mom has always curbed my cockiness by saying, "Yeah, whatever, just remember it's what's on the inside that counts".  I always scoffed at her.  I am 20, which means I am right around the age that you start realizing all of that "useless ___" your parents told you growing up is actually F***ing SMART.  This piece of advice in particular has been in my mind as of late, and I think it really relates to many of our situations.  For some reason it seems like a disproportionate number of pwBPD are REALLY attractive... .very seductive.  I know that even after all of the lying and the cheating and the hurt that my BPDex caused me which finally culminated in me leaving, I still missed her and craved her for months, and still do on rare days... .as though I took her outside appearance to be the same as her inside one. 

Well... .it doesn't matter how good looking you are if your insides are ugly.  And my BPDex's insides are very ugly. And a persons' insides are what matter most.  Just thought I would share... .this is a place for support and speaking ones' mind after all 

[santa]

I've often found that most of my problems could have been avoided if I'd just listened to my mother. LOL

They know what they're talking about most of the time.

[Pretty Woman]

Amen, Santa.

Oktoberfest,

    I agree.  The thing is when you get to the bare bones of it all, your ex is a deeply disturbed individual. It is more sad than ugly.

But I will say it is what is on the inside that counts and if the inside is not compatible with you you have to walk away and not look back.

[State85]

I so agree with this. My exBPDgf is very attractive. And initially used that attractiveness and seductiveness to get her hooks in me. Even today, after being broke up for a little over 2 months after a 2 year relationship... .I still feel those hooks in me. But, her inside is that of a disturbed, mean person. There is no way I am compatible with that... .but it is hard to let go. I believe she has once again used her attractiveness and seductiveness to hook a couple of replacements... .and that hurts even more.

[DownandOut]

I agree 100% and my uBPDexgf was also very attractive. I'm pretty confident in my own physical attractiveness, but I'm pretty reserved and quiet (especially now since she destroyed my confidence) when it comes to meeting women and I feel my ex finds it easier to jump around from guy to guy. That's one of the things that kills me. Not only does the BPD help her shut down her emotions, but she has a whole sea of desperate men willing to jump aboard the crazy train because of how she looks. You're right though, it's on the inside what counts and that nutjob is disgusting inside.

[ShadowDancer]

And here is the beauty. Here is the gift. We as humans have been given an opportunity to learn an invaluable lesson. It's what is on the inside that counts. Once we "get" that, and apply it not only to others but also to ourselves, our world and all of our relationships improve.

"When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you" Nietzsche

[BuildingFromScratch]

Also I think a good thing to learn from this, is judge people by their actions and not their words. It was all there, as plain as day, but I bought the BS. I'm such a sucker for believing others think honesty is where all things valuable begin.

[Turkish]

An English prof of mine used to say to us:

"There are three ways in which you judge a person: first, by how they look; second, by what they say; third, by what they do."

My corollary is that the order in which we judge people is an inverse of who they really are.

Mine isn't a supermodel, but she is very pretty--- multi-racial (and our children being even more mixed are gorgeous). She didn't use her looks to reel me in, but of course that is what made me approach her in the first place. I had to work a little at first, then it was the BPD "openness" into which I plunged, despite my gut telling me a lot was wrong. I was also attracted to the subtle "waifness" aura she put forth.

Whenever I look at her and see the pretty girl, I remember the continued betrayal, and the facade she puts up, hiding what she is doing with her double life. Ugh.

[DownandOut]

Also I think a good thing to learn from this, is judge people by their actions and not their words. It was all there, as plain as day, but I bought the BS. I'm such a sucker for believing others think honesty is where all things valuable begin.

My problem is that I think people think or should think the way I do. I'm sure I've broken hearts in the past and it's just the nature of love and relationships, however, I've NEVER done the things that my uBPDexgf did. I could never imagine doing the things she did. I could never tell someone I love them, or they're my everything and then act as if they are dirt on my shoe. I would never book a trip to Europe with someone that was paying for most of it and visit their family in another country and accept gifts from them all while I had someone else on the back burner. That's what happened to me and if that's not ugly inside I don't know what is.

[ShadowDancer]

"Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster". Nietzsche

[Ironmanrises]

"Its what is on the inside that counts", I agree and get what you are trying to say. What happens though when this is presented as that when you first encounter a pwBPD(you aren't going to see that other side until you are in a relationship with that person)? The original side of my exBUBPDgf was presented as humble, nice, quiet(and this dates back to friendship with her). When she was triggered both times in both rounds of relationship into that god awful other side, none of the above that I mentioned was present. That other side was nasty, mean, aloof, cold, detached, hurtful and just plain ___ing disgusting. A repulsive creature as a direct reflection of her behavior towards me. Not the wonderful person that I first encountered.

[Turkish]

Also I think a good thing to learn from this, is judge people by their actions and not their words. It was all there, as plain as day, but I bought the BS. I'm such a sucker for believing others think honesty is where all things valuable begin.

My problem is that I think people think or should think the way I do. I'm sure I've broken hearts in the past and it's just the nature of love and relationships, however, I've NEVER done the things that my uBPDexgf did. I could never imagine doing the things she did. I could never tell someone I love them, or they're my everything and then act as if they are dirt on my shoe. I would never book a trip to Europe with someone that was paying for most of it and visit their family in another country and accept gifts from them all while I had someone else on the back burner. That's what happened to me and if that's not ugly inside I don't know what is.

Yeah. Mine was buying the family/her a $37K (out the door, but I put $11K cash down on it) SUV then her telling me two weeks later that she didn't love me anymore. Then two weeks later I found out about her affair. Of course, we got rid of it at a loss a month later so I could get my name off of it and the loan. I thought about keeping it since it was a darn nice ride (and got about the same mileage as my little turbo car), but who needs a 7 seater vehicle with a broken family? And I certainly didn't need the memories. What the heck does something like that indeed! She hurt as all financially. Saboteur, extraordinaire.

[Ironmanrises]

Also I think a good thing to learn from this, is judge people by their actions and not their words. It was all there, as plain as day, but I bought the BS. I'm such a sucker for believing others think honesty is where all things valuable begin.

My problem is that I think people think or should think the way I do. I'm sure I've broken hearts in the past and it's just the nature of love and relationships, however, I've NEVER done the things that my uBPDexgf did. I could never imagine doing the things she did. I could never tell someone I love them, or they're my everything and then act as if they are dirt on my shoe. I would never book a trip to Europe with someone that was paying for most of it and visit their family in another country and accept gifts from them all while I had someone else on the back burner. That's what happened to me and if that's not ugly inside I don't know what is.

Yeah. Mine was buying the family/her a $37K (out the door, but I put $11K cash down on it) SUV then her telling me two weeks later that she didn't love me anymore. Then two weeks later I found out about her affair. Of course, we got rid of it at a loss a month later so I could get my name off of it and the loan. I thought about keeping it since it was a darn nice ride (and got about the same mileage as my little turbo car), but who needs a 7 seater vehicle with a broken family? And I certainly didn't need the memories. What the heck does something like that indeed! She hurt as all financially. Saboteur, extraordinaire.

One of the direct and unfortunate consequences of encountering her other side. She not only sabotaged your love, your family(both of which have no price tag) and either of which by themselves is devastating beyond words, but adds to that, with financial destruction. Chaos all around. And then you have to ask yourself, why? And the only answer that bubbles up to the surface, is BPD. And that answer has to suffice for all of that and at the same time, it really doesn't. You are left to still have to piece together everything as a direct consequence. An injustice.

[ShadowDancer]

My point is that we see these things. We understand where they come from. We get right with that and with ourselves and we move on. We must because other wise is to be consumed by the flames of anothers fire. We could very well become as embittered, scarred, jaded, and distrustful as the very thing that hurt as.

For myself I keep it real simple. STOP. DROP. ROLL. PUT OUT THE FIRE. MOVE ON.

[Hazelrah]

Yeah. Mine was buying the family/her a $37K (out the door, but I put $11K cash down on it) SUV then her telling me two weeks later that she didn't love me anymore. Then two weeks later I found out about her affair. Of course, we got rid of it at a loss a month later so I could get my name off of it and the loan. I thought about keeping it since it was a darn nice ride (and got about the same mileage as my little turbo car), but who needs a 7 seater vehicle with a broken family? And I certainly didn't need the memories. What the heck does something like that indeed! She hurt as all financially. Saboteur, extraordinaire.

Funny, I experienced something eerily similar.  Bought my BPDw a car one week before she walked out on us--it's in my name since her credit is worse than an unemployed eighteen year old's.  Eight traffic violations and one serious car accident later (which miraculously was another driver's fault so it won't cost me anything), I'm still looking to get my name off the title--hoping her mother will co-sign for her, which must be embarrasing for a 36 year old woman.  You can't tell me she wasn't waiting the separation out until she got her brand-new ride.

[living in the past]

 Thanks for the post, the last few months with my bpf friend, i kept thinking what my mother told my when i was young and got involved with an alcoholic gf,the story about the blind man (no offense to the blind)the blind man fell on the floor and you helped him up,he got up and hit you on the head with the cane.thankfully she also told me about Al-Anon,took me two years of the insanity to get there,should have been out of this friendship long ago, hoping to survive,helps to know i am not alone.

[Turkish]

Funny, I experienced something eerily similar.  Bought my BPDw a car one week before she walked out on us--it's in my name since her credit is worse than an unemployed eighteen year old's.  Eight traffic violations and one serious car accident later (which miraculously was another driver's fault so it won't cost me anything), I'm still looking to get my name off the title--hoping her mother will co-sign for her, which must be embarrasing for a 36 year old woman.  You can't tell me she wasn't waiting the separation out until she got her brand-new ride.

Yours sounds like she was. I think mine was throwing a huge BPD tantrum and didn't know what she wanted. But when it looked like she might have to move out, she realized she couldn't afford the payments and the 10mpg less than her old car (which would have blown up in two months since I always filled the oil it leaked/burned), she needed to get rid of it. The week before we bought her new car and traded in the new/old one, she was even talking about keeping me on the title, me co-signing (which was unnecessary, as I had given her the stability to fix her credit into the 800 range after 6 years with me) and all. Later that week, I caught her pathologically lying to me about staying in contact with her paramour, at which point I said it was over.

Her using of me is much more subtle... .subconscious almost, though definitely the Waif Queen tendencies. Overall, I think it's just that she is so wrapped up in what happened (more correctly, what she DID), that she has thought nothing through. Hence me finding what she wrote to the guy and herself on the computer. Me documenting what she writes in her journal she leaves around, and a lot of other things as well. Disordered. It must be hard living a dual life to keep things strait. I actually observed the "break" where she was "off somewhere else". If I didn't know her and kind of know what was going on inside of her head, it would have been scary. From rejected 5 year old girl, to teenager, to again pretty high functioning BPD right now, albeit living a double life. It's oddly fascinating.

I picked up my kids (yes, "my" I said it!) last night early. D1 fell asleep in the car on the way home. I put her directly to bed. X got home after I made dinner, I bathed S3 (it seems like I am telling the same story again and again... .). Put him to bed and his mom didn't give him a kiss. Later, she thought of it and went in to do that. She never gave D1 a kiss goodnight. Weird, like she is someplace else sometimes. I don't even think her family would notice this, but I do---- and document it, if it makes any difference later. D1 awoke later. I gave her some milk, and then spent some time with her to coax her back to sleep. Not her mom, her father. You'd think I could be like my X at this point and say, "worthless women, can't count on them for anything! Just like my birth mom who abandoned me because she loved her addictions more, my mom who abandoned me due to her mental illness being more important than her son, and now YOU!"

But I don't think that way because I'm not pathological.

Looking for the, kind, reliable, decent woman later, I know you're out there.

[GreenMango]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Who doesn't like a pretty face?  But at what cost? 

It's a huge lesson in values and what you'll compromise for.

[Octoberfest]

"Its what is on the inside that counts", I agree and get what you are trying to say. What happens though when this is presented as that when you first encounter a pwBPD(you aren't going to see that other side until you are in a relationship with that person)? The original side of my exBUBPDgf was presented as humble, nice, quiet(and this dates back to friendship with her). When she was triggered both times in both rounds of relationship into that god awful other side, none of the above that I mentioned was present. That other side was nasty, mean, aloof, cold, detached, hurtful and just plain ___ing disgusting. A repulsive creature as a direct reflection of her behavior towards me. Not the wonderful person that I first encountered.

I didn't reference this statement/idea under the guise that we should be able to read them and see past their exterior.  I was more making the point that once we HAVE seen the interior, in addition to the exterior, it is important to recognize which one carries more weight. My BPDex looks sweet.  She can be sweet.  But underneath is a web of lies and cheating. It is just hard to remember that always... .to not get wrapped up in the exterior and forget about the ugliness underneath.

[GreenMango]

There are some sage wisdom quotes that really hit home.  Thanks Grandma I wished I listened to you sooner.

Be careful what you wish for.

Misery loves company.

You are the company you keep.

Watch how a person treats someone they don't have treat well.

It's not in what you say its in what you do.