Signs of Cheating

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One of the biggest issues throughout my relationship with uBPD has been him showing signs of cheating & then insisting that I'm nuts for even thinking such a thing. This has eaten at me for years. Quite honestly, I really don't think he's cheated, but he doesn't understand appropriate boundaries within a relationship and does things that would make any partner wonder or feel uncomfortable.

The latest is frequently going out after work with coworkers (1 male/1 female), then visiting his workplace in off hours for no apparent reason, combined with texting the female coworker around the clock. Yet, I'm crazy for thinking that there's something inappropriate going on here?

Honestly, I am hopeful that he's latching on to this woman and he will want to move out and be with her, but it's his kids that keep him here torturing me. Looking forward to the lease ending in June as I will move myself and the kids out without him. In the meantime, I will try my best to ignore & keep the fights to a minimum to avoid him making me out to be the problem.

[LetMEgoPLS]

One of the biggest issues throughout my relationship with uBPD has been him showing signs of cheating & then insisting that I'm nuts for even thinking such a thing. This has eaten at me for years. Quite honestly, I really don't think he's cheated, but he doesn't understand appropriate boundaries within a relationship and does things that would make any partner wonder or feel uncomfortable.

The latest is frequently going out after work with coworkers (1 male/1 female), then visiting his workplace in off hours for no apparent reason, combined with texting the female coworker around the clock. Yet, I'm crazy for thinking that there's something inappropriate going on here?

Honestly, I am hopeful that he's latching on to this woman and he will want to move out and be with her, but it's his kids that keep him here torturing me. Looking forward to the lease ending in June as I will move myself and the kids out without him. In the meantime, I will try my best to ignore & keep the fights to a minimum to avoid him making me out to be the problem.

[Ironmanrises]

I can understand what you mean by feeling uncomfortable. Whether he was cheating on you or doing that to intentionally hurt you, one thing comes across quite clearly, the intent, was to hurt you. I am so sorry you experienced that. I don't know if my exUBPDgf cheated on me in both rounds of relationship or had a replacement, etc(just sickens me to even contemplate that) but I do know that in devaluation in round 2, she became very secretive with her phone/labtop etc. Now obviously that is not a clear cut sign of cheating but it hurt me nonetheless and I no longer felt secure in the relationship. My insecurity skyrocketed as I watched her behave like that. Till this day, I wonder what happened to this humble, down to earth, nice woman I encountered as a friend and I fast forward to what she presented before me as a lover at the tail end of round 2. The person I first encountered I always felt comfortable speaking with; the person she morphed into in both rounds of devaluation, does not match the original. I felt uncomfortable both times. Especially in round 2. As with yours, the intent that mine displayed, got the message through loud and clear; it was to hurt me. And I hurt still. Months later. Hang in there.

[hurtbyboderline]

My exBPDGF used to accuse me of cheating & usually her accusations would escalate whenever I suspected she was 'up to something again'. Long story but she would met with a group of friends to play that dice game 10,000. There were male & females in the group but at times there would only be 1 guy there. One of them was an exBF of her's. Another was a guy who was "having problems at home, so they'd talk". And she'd always say things to make me jealous. Once I caught her at her exBF's house & I just waited down the street. When she left, she called & I didn't answer. She left a message; "Where are you? In a Hotel with Julie" Yes, your F****** Julie, I know it!" Oh, Julie was just a platonic friend that I hung out with a year before I was with my ex... .They are very good at lying. Not saying this is a good idea but they do have excellent ways to snoop on someone nowadays. Spy programs for computer, phones, cars, etc... .   zzz   

[fromheeltoheal]

I know my borderline ex cheated on me, but I also know she didn't consider it cheating.  To her it was a session of physical bliss that she engaged in to soothe, to get her out of her head for a while, horizontal aerobics that were out of body experiences for her, with the added benefit of a whole lot of attention from the current conquest that made her doubt for a minute how worthless she's otherwise convinced she is.

And of course the closer I tried to get the more she pulled away, so it wasn't like she was so diabolical that she could retain emotional intimacy with me yet still screw around.  Like ironman I got very insecure the more distant and secretive she got, but confronted her anyway, and of course I was paranoid and delusional, I was told at elevated volume, and the lies got award-worthy elaborate; I hadn't heard from her in a few days, which usually meant she was off fcking someone, and the 'reason', extracted under duress, was that she had a heart attack at the gym and was in the hospital, oh, and the icing?  They used a defibrillator on her at the gym while she was conscious with a pulse.  And the Oscar goes to... .

Anyway, I'm sorry you're in the middle of that.  Emotional affairs can be more destructive and hurtful than physical ones, modern technology makes them easy, and that counts as cheating in my book.  You sound strong and resolved in your decision to leave; lean on us as needed until June, and take care of you!

[LetMEgoPLS]

she became very secretive with her phone/labtop etc.

^^THIS has been an ongoing issue here from the start and he can't understand why I cannot trust someone that acts like that. It makes me feel like he has something to hide. I only found out about the constant texting by looking at the phone bill, which makes me a paranoid snoop.

I've very glad to have found this community to meet others that understand what I'm going through. Thanks everyone.

[Waifed]

she became very secretive with her phone/labtop etc.

^^THIS has been an ongoing issue here from the start and he can't understand why I cannot trust someone that acts like that. It makes me feel like he has something to hide. I only found out about the constant texting by looking at the phone bill, which makes me a paranoid snoop.

I've very glad to have found this community to meet others that understand what I'm going through. Thanks everyone.

I believe your instincts are pretty accurate most of the time. It was the FOG that let her get away with all the BS in my case. It took me a month to eject her after she cheated. It would have been instant with anyone else.

[babyspook]

While I could never prove that my stbxBPDW was cheating, there were too many little signs that indicated something wasn’t right.  Like the saying goes, always go with your gut feeling.  If I ever brought up the subject of infidelity in the slightest manner, she’d get on the offensive and I’d quickly be labeled insecure and delusional.  My BPD left me 7 times over the last two years.  The separations were always initiated by her and, of course, they were all my fault (does that sound familiar?).  She would always find some petty excuse why we shouldn’t be together.  Our separations lasted anywhere from a week to two months with NC.  And like most of us here, she’d eventually show up one day and recycle me right back in.  They are clever as they are seductive.  However, it’s not the length of those separations that ever concerned me; it was events leading up to those separations and her justifications for walking out.  They just never made sense! 

Last year we were on our honeymoon to Jamaica and stopped in the VIP lounge at the airport.  I noticed a somewhat inebriated woman sitting near us.  Before long, her husband walked up to help her, she became angry and told him to go away and leave her alone.  My BPD says “Oh she’s probably got her eyes on someone else.  She’s just acting that way so he’ll leave her alone to pursue some other guy.”  Hmm…how could my wife recognize this so easily?  Even if that weren’t true at all, why would she say this?  See where I’m going with this?

Each time we got back together, the makeup sex was awesome as always but with a twist:  she’d want to do some really raunchy, totally off-the-wall things with me…things we’ve never done before or things she’s never done to me before.  But I obliged, of course.  Hey, I like wild sex too!

I could go on and on about all those little tell-tale signs but that’s not where I’m really going with this post.  Suspicions of infidelity will drive you insane, folks.  It will make you so miserable, insecure, and ruin your mental health.  It’s truly heartbreaking.  I strongly believe that my BPD wife has been unfaithful to me but I couldn’t prove any of it.  But what if I had, then what?  Tell her to stop doing it or else?  Futile!  Ask her why she did it and to attend marriage counseling with me?  Hopeless!  Once the cheating starts, stopping the bad behavior is pretty much not gonna happen….at least not in the current relationship.  It’s been tainted and marred and that cloud will always be over your heads.  I say this because I was once the habitual cheater years ago in a previous marriage.  It’s an addiction like no other.  When I was finally caught after years of fooling around/affairs, there was only one thing I could do: exit the relationship, learn from my mistakes, and start fresh somewhere else…and that’s exactly what I did.  I never cheated again.  However, years later I find myself on the receiving end of the stick and boy did it drive me crazy for a long time.  I wanted so bad to catch her in the act.  I searched through her phone like a madman, perused through her internet history, intentionally came home from work at unscheduled times, etc.  I found nothing of real value to substantiate infidelity but I also knew that any fool can erase internet and phone history.  She would get a little flustered with me when I came home from work during lunch unannounced or some other odd time. 

So I had a decision to make:  drive myself crazy searching, wondering, stressing myself to my limits *or* stop caring and just LET IT GO.  So I let it all go.  If she’s going to cheat, she’s going to cheat.  What am I really gonna do?  Tell her “No, you cannot leave me again and go sleep with someone else”?  Chain her up in the bedroom and feed her three squares a day?  I cannot control her actions nor am I responsible for them.  That is all on her and she will have to live with the consequences of those actions eventually.  I am only responsible for me and I have the will to dictate what emotion I want to feel.  I stopped caring if she was gonna cheat and started caring about me and that’s when things started looking up.  I regained my confidence level, got my appetite back, and generally felt good about myself.

We are no longer together and I’ve filed for a divorce.  The final and last time she walked out, I was upset…... for about 20 minutes.  Then I realized I didn’t have to live in this hell (FOG) anymore.  I am free to come and go as I please.  Free to do what I want, who I want, and when I want and I never have to worry if she’s cheating on me anymore or when she’s gonna walk out again.  I don’t have to watch her treat my 7yr old daughter with such evil contempt as she’s done me for so long.  She is someone else’s misery now.  Sure we had some really frickin’ awesome, wonderful, and memorable moments together but I don’t want the traumatic baggage that comes along with it.  If you’re in this situation or a similar one, take care of yourself first.  Start realizing your self-worth.  Set boundaries for yourself and enforce them.  Start loving yourself again.  Understand that no one has the right to emotionally abuse you... .NO ONE.  Get your self-respect back, d@mmit!  God’s greatest gift to us is the power of choice.  You can choose take your emotional beatings all the while hoping and fantasizing that your BPD will magically wake up cured one day like I did *or* you can choose not to play the game anymore and go find a new game with someone who plays fair with others.

Maybe some of this is helpful, maybe not but I had to throw some of experiences out there.  Take care all!

 

[Turkish]

Emotional affairs can be more destructive and hurtful than physical ones, modern technology makes them easy, and that counts as cheating in my book.  

Mine doesn't consider it "cheating" because we aren't married. She crossed the boundary of the constant texting, etc... .which I do consider cheating. She doesn't call him her boyfriend because supposedly they didn't actually sleep together (they might have by now, who knows?), and that's her definition of a "boyfriend" As my T says, she justifies the unjustifiable. I finally called her out on it and got her to admit to it. In a moment of lucidity, she finally admitted she was just like her cheating father and she hated herself for it, since she has always hated that her father continually did that to her mother (and still does!). But mine continues to do it on whatever level. Like a dog returning to its vomit. It's a sickness. I got a text two weeks ago meant for him where she called him "Love." She is the living embodiment of  a LIE: to her, to me, her family, and our kids.

She loves to get online and search for things and read about psychology and love. I told her flat out that while breaking up is one thing, the cheating is 100% HER, just like her father's is 1005 HIM and has nothing to do with me or her mother. That is she actually read up on the psychology of cheating, she would know this.

In one ear, out the other. The only satisfaction is that one some level I know she does feel guilty... .centered around her own feelings of worthlessness, not for hurting me (maybe a little bit, that's it).

All in all, letmego, texting a female co-worker around the clock is cheating in my book, as well. It's improper, it's disrespectful, and in the end it's an act of hate. What our stbXes "feel" is irrelevant. Actions are what count.

[LetMEgoPLS]

Emotional affairs can be more destructive and hurtful than physical ones, modern technology makes them easy, and that counts as cheating in my book.  

Mine doesn't consider it "cheating" because we aren't married. She crossed the boundary of the constant texting, etc... .which I do consider cheating. She doesn't call him her boyfriend because supposedly they didn't actually sleep together (they might have by now, who knows?), and that's her definition of a "boyfriend"

Good point that this is an inappropriate situation regardless of the physical relationship. In hindsight, IMO my uBPD stbx has always had issues with understanding "reasonable" boundaries when it comes to his friendships with women -- and there is ALWAYS a double standard -- god forbid that I have male friends. This is situation has been a theme throughout the R/S where he is having these "text affairs" -- it makes me uncomfortable and not something that I wish to have my partner involved with. This very well reinforces my decision to leave along with many other ongoing issues.

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine doesn't consider it "cheating" because we aren't married. She crossed the boundary of the constant texting, etc... .which I do consider cheating. She doesn't call him her boyfriend because supposedly they didn't actually sleep together (they might have by now, who knows?), and that's her definition of a "boyfriend" As my T says, she justifies the unjustifiable. I finally called her out on it and got her to admit to it. In a moment of lucidity, she finally admitted she was just like her cheating father and she hated herself for it, since she has always hated that her father continually did that to her mother (and still does!). But mine continues to do it on whatever level. Like a dog returning to its vomit. It's a sickness. I got a text two weeks ago meant for him where she called him "Love." She is the living embodiment of  a LIE: to her, to me, her family, and our kids.

All in all, letmego, texting a female co-worker around the clock is cheating in my book, as well. It's improper, it's disrespectful, and in the end it's an act of hate. What our stbXes "feel" is irrelevant. Actions are what count.

Yep.  I made the mistake of trusting the words: we agreed that we were in "an exclusive, monogamous relationship".  In my mind that means thy shalt not be accommodating other penises, yet there they were anyway.  What's up with that?  What's up with it is impulsive behavior by someone completely run by their emotions minute to minute.  And although she could invariably come up with justifications, excuses, and blame, she didn't buy her own bullsht all the way, since underneath it all was shame, and it came up to haunt her regularly.  What a way to live: do things impulsively on a whim to meet the emotional needs of the moment, know it's wrong on some level, feel intense shame, get busy with the justifications, projection and blame, get emotionally exhausted in the process, and repeat.

Bummer we fell for that crap peeps, time for an upgrade.

[Turkish]

Emotional affairs can be more destructive and hurtful than physical ones, modern technology makes them easy, and that counts as cheating in my book.  

Mine doesn't consider it "cheating" because we aren't married. She crossed the boundary of the constant texting, etc... .which I do consider cheating. She doesn't call him her boyfriend because supposedly they didn't actually sleep together (they might have by now, who knows?), and that's her definition of a "boyfriend"

Good point that this is an inappropriate situation regardless of the physical relationship.

Mine was texting her old bf in our first year of the r/s when we started having problems. I consider that her first act of "cheating". I take some responsibility since even almost 2 years after, she was fully honest with me that she was not over him (he left her).

In hindsight, IMO my uBPD stbx has always had issues with understanding "reasonable" boundaries when it comes to his friendships with women -- and there is ALWAYS a double standard -- god forbid that I have male friends.

Mine told me about a bouncer at the club she met (I was letting her go to the local gay club with her gay cousins... .I thought it was safe, wrong!). She said he gave her his number, to help with a career search after he finished school (it's related to her job). I said that it was inappropriate and that he was after one thing. She replied, "so you're saying that I can't have guy friends?" 'No, I replied, I'm saying in this case it's inappropriate.' Her accusation was riduculous anyway, since I know she has a few guy friends, mostly at work. I perceived there was nothing going on there (small office, she behaved herself), so it didn;t bother me. She busted that boundary big time, since I am sure the club dude is the guy she ultimately took up with a few months later.

[LetMEgoPLS]

Emotional affairs can be more destructive and hurtful than physical ones, modern technology makes them easy, and that counts as cheating in my book.  

Mine doesn't consider it "cheating" because we aren't married. She crossed the boundary of the constant texting, etc... .which I do consider cheating. She doesn't call him her boyfriend because supposedly they didn't actually sleep together (they might have by now, who knows?), and that's her definition of a "boyfriend"

Good point that this is an inappropriate situation regardless of the physical relationship.

Mine was texting her old bf in our first year of the r/s when we started having problems. I consider that her first act of "cheating". I take some responsibility since even almost 2 years after, she was fully honest with me that she was not over him (he left her).

Mine did the same. For up to a year, I caught him texting his ex. At one point, she mailed me a box of stuff at work to "prove" she was still seeing him, but her "proof" was weak - old emails that I'd already seen with dates blacked out & phone records - which I also already knew about as he was on my phone plan. AND I was pregnant & didn't want to believe this was really happening. We changed his phone number & that seemed to eliminate that problem.

I kick myself everyday for not running fast & far from the first red flag. Feeling very stupid for letting all this go on for 7+ yrs.