I see things i dont want to see...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I come out of the fog, i is the only responsible for all this mess. My story is to long to post, to many nooks and cranys filed with little detail of this more than toxic relation . I'm apparently the only one she has treated this way, and i can believe that i triggered this desorder... .She was madlly in love with me but pushed her away for several years, although i just keept my boundaries back then, i wanted her has a friend but was respectful of our special relation. I did thought take advantage of what she was offering to me, ei: almost unconditional love ,support, mothering for me and my children's , then after an other 2 years of the hel she put on me and after a brief n/c of 2 months i then realise i yearned for her, the body that was less than perfect to my eyes became what is my only fantasy, her presence, eevery essence of her i would want to be one with her. Now 2 years after destroying this image of what i thought was her soul, and yet again  my own i don't know what to do i got up but now im loosing myself, she has destroyed me she turn my daughter against me (not hers) i cant see my S3 (ours) i live with S17 but realy ain't the role model for him. I don't have friends,my own issues got us in this mess and to top it off i introduced a BPD in the equation ( sick selfish, resentful but highly functioning.) i am the only one getting this punishment no one but S17 see trough her game, i am the BPD all i have to save me are 7years of texts, emails but to validate all this would meen destroying her i i cant do it. I cant hurth her it just make me cry to think about it. I just want it to be over, i wanna wake up from this nightmare. What keeps me going is alcohol and speeds at a less then abusing amount, just to get some feeling out of this sh£%tty life of mine. How did i let this happen to my kids? I feel they don't count has much as her  but don't want to. I don't "feel" life right now

[necchi]

I come out of the fog, i is the only responsible for all this mess. My story is to long to post, to many nooks and cranys filed with little detail of this more than toxic relation . I'm apparently the only one she has treated this way, and i can believe that i triggered this desorder... .She was madlly in love with me but pushed her away for several years, although i just keept my boundaries back then, i wanted her has a friend but was respectful of our special relation. I did thought take advantage of what she was offering to me, ei: almost unconditional love ,support, mothering for me and my children's , then after an other 2 years of the hel she put on me and after a brief n/c of 2 months i then realise i yearned for her, the body that was less than perfect to my eyes became what is my only fantasy, her presence, eevery essence of her i would want to be one with her. Now 2 years after destroying this image of what i thought was her soul, and yet again  my own i don't know what to do i got up but now im loosing myself, she has destroyed me she turn my daughter against me (not hers) i cant see my S3 (ours) i live with S17 but realy ain't the role model for him. I don't have friends,my own issues got us in this mess and to top it off i introduced a BPD in the equation ( sick selfish, resentful but highly functioning.) i am the only one getting this punishment no one but S17 see trough her game, i am the BPD all i have to save me are 7years of texts, emails but to validate all this would meen destroying her i i cant do it. I cant hurth her it just make me cry to think about it. I just want it to be over, i wanna wake up from this nightmare. What keeps me going is alcohol and speeds at a less then abusing amount, just to get some feeling out of this sh£%tty life of mine. How did i let this happen to my kids? I feel they don't count has much as her  but don't want to. I don't "feel" life right now

[BuildingFromScratch]

First off, if she has BPD. She has had it forever. She always views the people in her life as something to hate or adore, often alternating. Try to stop the drugs man. Coming out of the fog will make you realize it's not your fault. I drank like a fish for a month after my ex-gf left. 1 month of drinking every single day. You gotta work on yourself and everything will fall into place.

[Waifed]

I very seriously doubt this is the first time she has acted this way in a relationship. It is not your fault. I also wouldn't worry about destroying her reputation. She is a survivor. If that is what it takes to get your daughter to be closer to you I would show her the texts, etc. I really think you need to speak to someone. It sounds like you are very depressed. Drinking is not the answer as it will only exasperate the problem. You need to take it one day at a time. Life is good. It is just very hard to realize when you are hurting so badly. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

[Pretty Woman]

You THINK you are the only one she has treated this way... .

think again.

If she is BPD she follows distinct relationship patterns and yes some people depending on their own emotional intelligence may trigger her "more drastically"... .

but that is NOT something you could have prevented. Each person she chooses is a weaker target than the former.  I replaced a prison psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist!

I noticed she would always tell me I was "projecting" or "passive aggressive" or "push-pulling" her. I can only imagine these are the same words that were used to describe HER by her ex.

We all say and do things in relationships we regret. In a healthy relationship, when you break up it is much more cordial and there is closure.

That does not happen in these relationships. Read the stories here. You will see a lot of similarities, some almost verbatim to your situation.

Don't beat yourself up. Hasn't she done that enough to you? 

[Ironmanrises]

Now 2 years after destroying this image of what i thought was her soul

I am sorry you have experienced that. This image of her soul, are you referring to how she presented herself to you before she turned/morphed into that other side?

[necchi]

Exactly Ironman man, mr jekill, than Hyde would start to show up but only briefly, than constant were Jekill would just hang around when Hyde was empty



btw I'm marinro7, changed my user name

[Ironmanrises]

Oh ok, i remember you. That change into the other, has got to be one of the most maddening/hurtful things i have ever experienced. I know how jarring it is.

[necchi]

For god sakes, 6years back she seemed so broken though delighted to have meet me, her friend, her confident. Shy, yet discreetly promiscuous with me. I was her center of attentions... .

        Don't we love this dissorder?       i sure would join the mascarade :'(

[Ironmanrises]

Change the length of time, and you are literally describing my exUBPDgf(years of friendship too). I was her confidant too. She would always tell me when we were just friends, "You are such an amazing friend Ironmanfalls. I just want you to know that." I dont know where that person disappeared to. The one that spoke those words to me. Fast forward to the end of round 2 of relationship; the person on the phone with me who was discarding me for a second time, was not the person who spoke those kind words i mentioned above while we were friends. The image does not match in my mind. Sure, physically it was the same person. But that is where the likeness ends. Everything that was coming out of her mouth, her very demeanor, was not the person i once remembered. Yes, i know she is disordered. And i have to accept that with radical acceptance. My thoughts on that shift, back and forth. The two images appear in my mind, and i try and overlap them; no match. It cannot be the same person. Yet it is. Who was i speaking to the entire time i was getting to know her, i ask myself? Unknown, is the answer that surfaces. And that is truly disturbing. It was 2 different people. Or was it? The original. And the other.

I know exactly how you feel. I know the sadness you reference. Hang in there.

[necchi]

Thank you all, always makes me feel better comming here and getting understanding.

Ironman, i like, you  try to split the two of the in my mind ( read this from one of your earlier post) but it just makes no sense... .NONE


thank you all