How to get BPD to re-engage

[Hydroman]

My wife has bipolar and BPD.    3 yrs ago, she dis-engaged from life-barely got the kids off to school, no cleaning, cooking, just laid around the house all day pacing and feeling sorry for herself.   jump ahead to today, bipolar is taken care of with meds, BPD really manifesting itself.   Still does barely anything.   I'm stuck doing pretty much everything, parenting, homework with kids, cleaning, cooking, yard and vehicle maintenance, finances and work full time (wife is stay at home-couldn't hold a job if she wanted right now).    On top of that, my wife drains me emotionally with constant need of attention, feeling depressed, suicidal ideation, high anxiety.    I give, give ,give!   One day, I fear, I will have nothing left to give and I have 3 children.   

Does anyone else out there have similar experience?   Any suggestions on how to get BPD to re-engage?  This is getting old fast.   I have an opportunity for a new job, higher pay but less flexibility (less telework).   I'm scared to take it given the home situation but desperately need the higher salary as with all the medical bills, we are slowly but surely going under.   

Hydroman

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pearl55]

One day you will have nothing left to offer, sooner or later, doesn't matter how strong or powerful you are! Why you want to make this relationship work when she doesn't help herself? You are responsible to your kids and they need a healthy and happy father to lean on.

[Rose Tiger]

The higher salary but the kids will pay a higher price.  She is on meds?  In treatment?  What do the professionals say about her lack of motivation?  You need outside help, like family, friends, to help you.  Do you belong to a church?

[cullerconcerned]

I am experiencing very much the same thing. I've mentally convinced myself that leaving is inappropriate for the sake of the kids and the fact that this is the result of a disorder (which I have convinced myself is really a disease). I am a contractor and have lost/failed at 3 projects this year because of the situation that you describe of having to get the kids off to school daily, receive them from school daily, take them to religious ed or their sporting events exclusively, cook dinner every night and so on. My wife also works, and though my earning potential is double hers (I have to talk about it in terms of potential now because I have not been able to achieve competative numbers in some time as she seems to unconsciously work to undermine my ability to work), she devalues me by letting me that she is expecting me to be a failure. When I try to address this she goes into the "I WANT OUT" phase, but then does things to indicate that she wants to stay together. It is very exhausting, and I don't really see any way to change what's happening with her without her coming to an understanding that she needs intensive mental help.

Sorry to be long winded, but the bottom line is you must be strong for your kids, and try to use the tools outlined in books such as "When Hope Is Not Enough" by Bon Dobs. I find them to be extremely useful,  but to be consistently effective they require more discipline than I currently have.

But as far as earnings go, if we fail to pay our mortgage/rent and then go homeless, it's my worst case scenario, so if I have to hire a cleaning lady and a nanny to ensure that I can earn a reasonable income than so be it (super catch 22, I know). I can't make it seem like I'm the only breadwinner, while her salary is also essential (truthfully better when she was working part-time), but we are both valuable in that regard. One cannot excel at the expense of the other. Everyone needs support end encouragement to do well. So do what you must as far getting outside help to support you logistically and emotionally. If your cup empties, than there will be nothing left to support your family structure and the wholeness of self for your kids. You must keep your cup full (meaning make sure you are receiving love and support from wherever you can, unfortunately you can never count on that coming from your spouse).

Good luck, and BE WELL!

[KRAZ]

Hydroman - i am by no means an expert - but very empathetic - the only thing I know that seems to work for my situation is making boundaries that work for me - and stop expecting her to change.  I have had to learn to change my actions/reactions to her.  This is a long term deal - nothing easy.  My case involves paranoia and extreme rage; she is the only one that is right, in ALL cases.  We are separated currently.  It sounds like your wife is completely disengaged from your perceptions and feelings and thoughts.  Absolutely shows no self awareness.  A pattern has existed though in mine - maybe take a long hard look at her history - friendships, relationships, siblings, etc.  My wife has these extreme highs from relationships only to see them crash and burn 6 mos later.  No real long term close friends - the displays of BPD are persistent in all cases - nit just in my marriage.  Read and seek possibly your own therapy so as to gain better perspective about how you feel, where you want to go and do, and how if possible can she be integrated... .