I think we might be recycling?

[ednapontellier]

Hello. So I've posted on this board, and on the leaving board as well. My BPDh of 5  years, together for over 9 years, and I decided to separate and most likely divorce. He is high functioning, great job, okay friends (has typical BPD issues w/ friends and work colleagues), and we have a wonderful toddler daughter. Sounds great, right? Except for the typical BPD stuff... .every time we would get into a large argument he would throw out the divorce card. It happened so much that I stopped taking it seriously. Until this summer when he told his family as well - and I was crushed. That was after a week of emotionally abusive treatment from him and I felt so anxious I could barely breathe. Well, a week later he took it back and wanted us to buy a house together (just a regular day in this household... .). That was almost the final straw for me, but I kept holding on and asking him to go to counseling. He refused. I continued to ask him to go to counseling saying that we can't fix our issues ourselves. Still no-go for him. Finally, almost a month ago I began talks about separating b/c I can't continue to live this way. I finally told my friends that we were separating and that I'm ready to move on. I feel like I've given him so many chances, and he won't get help. He doesn't even know he has BPD, our marriage therapist told me that my BPDh did when he stopped going to couples therapy after the therapist told him he had some things that would best be worked out in individual therapy b/c marriage counseling couldn't really help us until some of his individual stuff was worked out.  All this to say that finally, after deciding to separate, he says that now he will go to counseling. What? Really? I don't know if I should believe it? Should we still separate and see if he goes? I feel I owe it to my daughter and to the marriage, but if it was just me I think I'm done. I want to do what's right for everyone, but I really have little hope that he will change. I'm no longer attracted to him, I enjoy my time at home alone more than when he's there, and I'm sick and tired of being anxious. My biggest reason for staying so far is fear of being alone. BUT... .my daughter. Does anyone think counseling will help him? I just can't see him commit to going on a regular basis - and he changes his mind so often that I can see me calling off the separation and him deciding not to go.

[starshine]

Whew!  Happy holidays... .just another beautiful day in paradise, eh?

I guess if you are worried that he will back out of therapy if you withdraw the separation card, then continue on with the separation.  You can always work on the relationship from whatever angle you can come at it from.  You can always come back, but really, if you are feeling that this is a boundary you've got to keep firm- for yourself- then do it.  If he gets into therapy it will be good, right?  For the record, my un/BPDexbf got into therapy when I reached the end of my rope- and he went, and we went together... .and then he stopped going for his own therapy (without telling me he stopped) and started hanging out at the bar instead.  My ex began his relationship with my replacement and the rest is history.    Yours may be higher functioning, but that is no less exhausting for you.  As a matter of fact it can be harder, as people don't really see the crazy for what it is. 

Keep going to therapy to work on you. 

[Surnia]

Hi ednapontieller

I think going to a T is one thing, continue with T lets say during 1 year or more is another thing.

What about a therapeutic separation?

[ednapontellier]

Thank you for your thoughts Starshine and Surnia 

Well, I emailed my BPDh (I find it easier to communicate that way sometimes b/c then we can't really get into circular arguments), and was honest about how I feel. The great thing about being on the verge of separating is that I no longer worry if he will get mad at me for expressing what I really think! It feels so great! So, I shared with him my fear that even if he does go to counseling (and I also continue with mine), that we'll still be in the same place 6 months, a year or two years from now. I'm not sure I can handle this pain all over again, and the only way to avoid it is to not get my hopes up again that things can work with us. I feel selfish bc we are married and have a 3 yo daughter, so I feel like I owe him another chance. But I feel in my gut that we aren't going to make it. If I'm really honest with myself I just know that we aren't, so I don't think I should continue to drag this out. I'm mainly doing it b/c of fear of being on my own. It would be easier if I didn't love him, but I do though I'm not in love with him anymore b/c too much has happened.

You'll probably see a post from me next week that I've changed my mind yet again... .Wish me luck to stay strong. 

[kfifd196]

Hi... . I'm sorry you are going through this.  I am in the same situation.  My wife is the BPD and we have a 10 month old daughter.  My wife was a pro with her BPD accusations and projecting.  She had me totally convinced the problem was ME!  I started going to counseling and stopped, because she raged at me at the marriage counselor.  We had separated and she said I didn't get the help "I" needed and could have if this was important to me.  I went to a therapist, because my wife said I was spiteful and nasty.  The joke is, I'm not a nasty spiteful person, until she rages on me and it's a defense, otherwise I am a good guy and support her.  There's only so much abuse one can take before they blow.  The therapist said there's nothing wrong with me and said I didn't need to keep coming.  The point of my story is, My wife, daughter and marriage are important to me, so I refuse to stop, even though she filed divorce papers, a restraining order, says she hates me and regrets ever knowing me, I'm the biggest mistake and worst relationship she's had, blah blah blah... . She was praising me like a God as the best father and husband on Facebook, since we met, until she painted me black.  But, I refuse to quit because I care and want her to see I'm not giving up on us!  I took a vow, For Better or For Worse and I plan to honor my part to the end... .   Back to my point... . If your BPD thinks your relationship is important, He'll keep going.  If not, there's not much you can do.  I wish you luck... .