BPD/love addiction

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Does anyone have info on any connection between BPD and love addiction?  I believe my uBPDexGF also has love addiction and fits that pattern because of the way her previous relationships played out.  I've been NC for nearly 2 months now, I had suspected cheating and when I finally caught her, I told her not to contact me again.  She has thus far honored my request, I think it's likely because she is totally obsessed right now with the replacement.  I'm glad she hasn't attempted to contact me because it's given me a chance to recover.  We work together at the same airline, so I will eventually end up running into her, but I'm thankful that I've had this period of NC to heal and be ready should I run into her. 

My interest in the love addiction connection to BPD is purely to understand how things played out for her and I, and her previous relationships.  Strangely enough, that research and understanding helps in my recovery because it gives me a better understanding of what happened, and to a certain degree some closure.

[woke up]

Does anyone have info on any connection between BPD and love addiction?  I believe my uBPDexGF also has love addiction and fits that pattern because of the way her previous relationships played out.  I've been NC for nearly 2 months now, I had suspected cheating and when I finally caught her, I told her not to contact me again.  She has thus far honored my request, I think it's likely because she is totally obsessed right now with the replacement.  I'm glad she hasn't attempted to contact me because it's given me a chance to recover.  We work together at the same airline, so I will eventually end up running into her, but I'm thankful that I've had this period of NC to heal and be ready should I run into her. 

My interest in the love addiction connection to BPD is purely to understand how things played out for her and I, and her previous relationships.  Strangely enough, that research and understanding helps in my recovery because it gives me a better understanding of what happened, and to a certain degree some closure.

[Ironmanrises]

You mean love addiction as in the idealization phase?

[BuildingFromScratch]

It's much more complex and sinister than that. Basically they hate themselves and hate life. They have rejected their own identity. And so their identity becomes books, movies, TV shows, and most important the person they choose to be with. This person is always a hope of an all fulfilling person to them, but their expectations are endless, so it can never work. They really feel like they can't exist without someone else.

[woke up]

You mean love addiction as in the idealization phase?

Yes, and also the cycle of the way a relationship plays out with a BPD and love addicts.  The relationship cycle seems to be exact in both cases.  Just wondering if BPDs are also love addicts as well.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Borderlines (are in) love (only with the notion of) Love - they are obsessed by it and will do anything to ensure they get it.

To them it is a means of filling up their loneliness and lack of Self through another person rather than an expression of regard or caring for someone as an equal partner.

While their need for love is apparent they don't know how to return love.

In reality they are afraid of intimacy and do not have the emotional strength to fight their fears of inadequacy or abandonment in a manner that makes it possible for them to return love.

After the passion of new love subsides they become bored, often moving on to a new partner.

If they continue in the relationship, instead of deepening concern and communication, there ensues a struggle for control. The arena of this often violent struggle may include time, money, sex, fidelity, spiritual beliefs, children, or physical and emotional distance.

The centerpiece of the struggle is the threat of abandonment.

Borderlines do not trust others and as such their relationships are fraught with battles.

They are manipulative and will hurt others when their needs are not being met by raging or sometimes by physically hurting themselves or less likely their partners.

(Non) partners (will) get frustrated and (will) try to regain their own power, they (usually either) strike back, or flee (from the BPD relationship).

[fromheeltoheal]

"Love addiction" isn't a recognized mental illness, and I'm not really clear what it is; sex addiction is much more obvious.

Anyway, BPD is an attachment disorder, and develops as a young tot fails to successfully detach from their primary caregiver, long before they're developed enough to process or verbalize what's going on, so it gets hardwired into their personality.  The result is that a borderline MUST attach to another person to feel whole, they have a half-baked 'self', and literally don't exist without an attachment.  And then the attachment feels engulfing, swallows them up and they lose whatever sense of self they have, so they push the attachment away.  Push, pull, repeat, until everyone's frickin' crazy.

So you could say a borderline has an attachment addiction, and although I haven't heard that term used it kinda fits.  If one suitor is trying to get too close, as we do because we're trying to have real relationships, a borderline will push, feel abandoned and may look for another suitor to provide an attachment.  Speaking of my borderline, she was in her mid teens somewhere emotionally, shockingly immature for a 45 year old woman, and that along with the dynamics of the disorder prevented her from not only not knowing what mature love is or how it forms, but was incapable of true intimacy, so I don't see how she could be addicted to something she can't experience.

I just had a flashback: my ex was telling me about why she broke up with someone we both knew, and she said it was because he was 'relationship oriented.'  What the heck?

[Turkish]

We have something on that which talks about love addiction, too:

Sexual Addiction: When the Sex is Too Important to Us

To add to what SO said, yes, mine is so wrapped up in the fantasy aspects of what is basically an immature, superficial, 1 dimensional relationship. That's easy. It's more chemistry than anything. Two months ago, she saw a couple on tv, and commented to our S3, "see those people, S? I wonder if THEY are in love?" I was, of course, in the room... .I used to like the movie Love Actually, and we'd watch it now and then (we all need some escapism, no?), but it's one of her favorite movies. I don't think I will ever watch it again. Permanent teen romance, which by definition, is never permanent. It's easy for commitment phobes, though. She even admitted to me two weeks ago, "I'm not ready for 'this'." Meaning, a mature relationship where the "love" wasn't constant. Too bad I had to spread it around to our two children... .

I felt the same way after our S3 was born, but I knew it was natural, and that a lot of fathers felt the same way, so I didn't hold her lack of attention to me for a few months against her. The sign of a mature person, imagine that!

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

fromheeltoheal,

What the heck indeed!

I think being non-BPD adults, we all long for attachments with a significant other who could be there for us when things are down. And we are all too happy to RECIPROCATE that level of understanding/empathy and take corresponding ACTIONS that reflect our care and love.

But like you said, many BPD's mental maturity is nowhere near to their biological age. If life throws him/her some "stress" (but honestly speaking, they are more like normal "responsibilities" of being alive as a functioning adult), the BPD regresses and becomes an even more of a helpless, cry baby, and that only adds to the pressure of the Non partner to cope.

Regarding addiction, may it be love/sex/relationship, I think it becomes pathological when the BPD feels satisfied as long as he/she could secure a supply and get "a fix". Often at times, it is non-person specific. Perhaps that is why we, non's feel so "replaceable" (because according to the BPD, we ARE). Their stunted development in a self, due to a lack of sufficient mirroring in early childhood, creates an inability to "sense" us, non's, as individuals. When we are there to supply them with the "fix" of love/intimacy, we are good. When we are absent, even temporarily, they take it as abandonment and a denial to them getting a "fix".

They split us black and white with the drop of a hat, and they get into their push/pull cycles. On the other hand, we, as non's, are always trying to "figure out" their irrational expressions of feelings. In the end, it all comes down to a big pot of boiling, crazy-making stew.

If anyone of us has been slow cooking for long enough in that toxic broth, we ourselves feel disorientated and lost and empty, and even question our own sanity.

Ever heard of that story about boiling a frog in hot water?

If you drop a frog into boiling water, its survival instinct will immediately kick it, and it will jump out of the pot.

But if you subject that poor thing to cool water, and begin to heat the water up gradually, from room temperature, up to the boiling point, the poor creature would die without knowing what hit em.

Being in a long term relationship with a BPD is exactly treating ourselves like that frog. The water temperature starts off nice and cozy, and things heat up... .and up, and rises to the point that it is hot enough to kill us.

It is not uncommon to come across survivors of BPD relationships suffering from PTSD, or depression (like yours truly), or in need of weekly visits to a therapist.

[Waifed]

It is not uncommon to come across survivors of BPD relationships suffering from PTSD, or depression (like yours truly), or in need of weekly visits to a therapist.

I hit the trifecta 

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal,

What the heck indeed!

I think being non-BPD adults, we all long for attachments with a significant other who could be there for us when things are down. And we are all too happy to RECIPROCATE that level of understanding/empathy and take corresponding ACTIONS that reflect our care and love.

But like you said, many BPD's mental maturity is nowhere near to their biological age. If life throws him/her some "stress" (but honestly speaking, they are more like normal "responsibilities" of being alive as a functioning adult), the BPD regresses and becomes an even more of a helpless, cry baby, and that only adds to the pressure of the Non partner to cope.

Regarding addiction, may it be love/sex/relationship, I think it becomes pathological when the BPD feels satisfied as long as he/she could secure a supply and get "a fix". Often at times, it is non-person specific. Perhaps that is why we, non's feel so "replaceable" (because according to the BPD, we ARE). Their stunted development in a self, due to a lack of sufficient mirroring in early childhood, creates an inability to "sense" us, non's, as individuals. When we are there to supply them with the "fix" of love/intimacy, we are good. When we are absent, even temporarily, they take it as abandonment and a denial to them getting a "fix".

They split us black and white with the drop of a hat, and they get into their push/pull cycles. On the other hand, we, as non's, are always trying to "figure out" their irrational expressions of feelings. In the end, it all comes down to a big pot of boiling, crazy-making stew.

If anyone of us has been slow cooking for long enough in that toxic broth, we ourselves feel disorientated and lost and empty, and even question our own sanity.

Ever heard of that story about boiling a frog in hot water?

If you drop a frog into boiling water, its survival instinct will immediately kick it, and it will jump out of the pot.

But if you subject that poor thing to cool water, and begin to heat the water up gradually, from room temperature, up to the boiling point, the poor creature would die without knowing what hit em.

Being in a long term relationship with a BPD is exactly treating ourselves like that frog. The water temperature starts off nice and cozy, and things heat up... .and up, and rises to the point that it is hot enough to kill us.

It is not uncommon to come across survivors of BPD relationships suffering from PTSD, or depression (like yours truly), or in need of weekly visits to a therapist.

Yes, I was diagnosed with PTSD after I left her, not surprising really, having been subjected to a bunch of psychological, emotional and physical abuse.

And as I've detached and healed I now make less of a distinction between 'borderline' and 'non', very useful terms when reeling from the wreckage of a relationship gone bad, but really my ex and I are more alike than we are different, both mostly human trying to make good lives for ourselves, albeit in drastically different ways, with radically different priorities and areas of focus.

The idealization/devaluation nature of the disorder can seem like a bait and switch to the 'victim', "How frickin' unfair man!", but it's helpful to remember that although we were victims, no doubt about it, we were voluntary victims, caught up in the emotions of the situation, enmeshed with someone with a serious mental illness, granted, but volunteers nonetheless.  One thing that has helped me is to realize, after entering the world of someone with the disorder, how incredibly painful and shtty their entire reality is; someone mentioned it's a peek into what it was like in their family growing up, and it just makes me want to kill her parents.

So anyway, as we detach the focus shifts to us; why did a short term relationship turn into a long term relationship when we could have left at any time?  Fortunately the conditions of our relationship caused my ex to cycle through the stages of the disorder relatively quickly, and I realize sometimes it can take many years to get there, but after things got ugly, why did we stay?

Don't hear any victim blaming there, because screw blame, it's just a vital component of detaching to shift the focus to ourselves.

[damage control]

Some insightful and helpful stuff on this thread.

I just wanted to add something that is a clear demonstration of push/pull and the paradox that is BPD/avoidance/engulfument and love.

My ex says he has never been 'in love', that he has never experienced it as an emotion, not even for his parents. He admits that he may have loved his very first GF way back when he was 15, but that he does not remember what it felt like and has never felt it since (although he acts and talks like he is in love... .believe me). He DID tell me he loved me several times also during our RS but, I never pushed it and only told him that I loved him a couple of times over the 12 months.

Anyway, one night we were having sex (i refrain from saying making love for obvious reasons!) and he asked me if I loved him ... I responded that I did and he asked me to repeat it over and over to him - and he told me that hearing it got him off ... .well ... that was 6 days before he dumped me and went on a first date with my replacement ... before he got angry that I had the audacity to be 'in need' of him because I was in a new city/state/job and not 1000's of miles away where, apparently, I should have stayed.

At the time, that confused the hell outta me ... now, I just see it as the beginning of the trigger ... he was desperately trying to attach/feel attachment and then became desperate to reject it ... you can't make sense of or function within these circumstances ... I think love is just another overwhelming emotion, like fear and rage ... something else they can't control so, they abandon it or shut it down.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

I am only 12 days into NC after a 10-year relationship. (This is the 3rd round break-up. I plan to make this the last).

In retrospect, the relationship with my uBPDgf was to a large extent a parent-child dynamics.

I have partly myself to blame because co-dependency has run in my family for 3 generations. For as long as I could recall, there have always been a family member with a debilitating illness or mental condition that required another relative to play the role of the all-round caregiver.

And with my uexBPDgf being a textbook Waif, the toxic stew between she and I has been brewing since day one.

I realize that my co-dependency is another issue that I must work on. But that priority comes after the depression that I am in right now. I have been depressed for many years, and have been prescribed SSRI’s and anxiolytics. In the past week or so, all my symptoms have been upped 17 notches. So that's a bit of a handful at the moment.

I am in my mid 30s and I feel physically like an old man whose youth and energy have been zapped away. I simply have nothing more to give in the relationship in terms of emotional endurance, psychological stability, and financial resources. 

My ex was only a few years my junior but I often felt that she was my daughter more than a romantic partner who could acknowledge my problems, both emotional and life-practical, and give me some support or advice.

Anyhoo... .

[Turkish]

I am only 12 days into NC after a 10-year relationship. (This is the 3rd round break-up. I plan to make this the last).

In retrospect, the relationship with my uBPDgf was to a large extent a parent-child dynamics.

Yep. Me, too, and most of us, I suspect. I used to tell mine, "I'm not your father," to which she would reply, "I know that!" But it sure felt like it, especially with her throwing out comments such as, "you're worthless and unreliable, just like a man!" <slaps forehead>

In the end, after I confronted her about her affair, she said, "I felt abandoned, it felt just like my father!"

Unbelievable.

I have partly myself to blame because co-dependency has run in my family for 3 generations. For as long as I could recall, there have always been a family member with a debilitating illness or mental condition that required another relative to play the role of the all-round caregiver.

My T threw out the other day that I probably get my kindness and caretaking tendencies from my mother (who is depressive with in retrospect some BPD traits). I never thought of it from that angle. I just thought I was attracted to troubled women because I was trying to understand and "rescue" my disordered mother. Maybe it goes hand in hand.

And with my uexBPDgf being a textbook Waif,

Mine wasn't so obvious at first, but she is a combination of waif, progressive feminist, with plenty of baggage from her home culture where women stay home and take care of everything, while the men go out and do as they please, as long as they bring money home. A fractured identity on so many levels.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Turkish,

I know now that there are no winners in this dance.

We all come out "fractured". (Or our originally cracked psyches are now under the spotlight for our own examination/ healing after the disengagement).

[fromheeltoheal]

I am only 12 days into NC after a 10-year relationship. (This is the 3rd round break-up. I plan to make this the last).

In retrospect, the relationship with my uBPDgf was to a large extent a parent-child dynamics.

I have partly myself to blame because co-dependency has run in my family for 3 generations. For as long as I could recall, there have always been a family member with a debilitating illness or mental condition that required another relative to play the role of the all-round caregiver.

And with my uexBPDgf being a textbook Waif, the toxic stew between she and I has been brewing since day one.

I realize that my co-dependency is another issue that I must work on. But that priority comes after the depression that I am in right now. I have been depressed for many years, and have been prescribed SSRI’s and anxiolytics. In the past week or so, all my symptoms have been upped 17 notches. So that's a bit of a handful at the moment.

I am in my mid 30s and I feel physically like an old man whose youth and energy have been zapped away. I simply have nothing more to give in the relationship in terms of emotional endurance, psychological stability, and financial resources. 

My ex was only a few years my junior but I often felt that she was my daughter more than a romantic partner who could acknowledge my problems, both emotional and life-practical, and give me some support or advice.

Anyhoo... .

Sorry man, good thing you got out.  I say you may find, now that you've removed yourself from the pathology, that things will get a lot better for you, all you gotta do is do the work, put one foot in front of the other, and get help if you need it.

It would have been easier if my ex was like a little kid; she was more like a rebellious teenager, which was far worse.  I considered sending her to her room, but knew she'd just jump out the window despite me.  Metaphorically.  Mostly.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

fromheeltoheal,

My uBPDexGF could switch between a tantrum-throwing kid, to a "rebellious teenager" at any point in time... .

And there had been numerous events of her showing her "defiance", and verbal outrage. To the latter, I have always thought, "Shouldn't you be directing all this rage towards your biological dad instead?"

(She hailed from a broken family. Her old man just up and went, leaving her and her mom when she was about 7 y.o.)

So, as lame/ cliche as it sounds, it was up to me to witness and take "the endless re-enactment of her childhood trauma"... .say, about 2-3 times per month!

But sure there were instances when she acted like an adult woman- mature, and had all her s*** together. But I am certain that it was either some mirroring of whoever she had in mind during that time duration, OR an acting out of her self-denial in believing she is a responsible adult.

These adult facades, predictably, never lasted more than a few days at a time.

[ShadowDancer]

Re: BPD/love addiction

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214792.

Interesting! I used to say to her, "Who's your daddy"?  Sheesh!

[Slowlybutsurely]

My ex had just gotten into therapy with a good therapist right before we broke up, and she was referred to SLAA--it's for sex and love addicts. She was supposedly addicted to me, according to her therapist. There is a lot of overlap between love addiction and BPD, and i once found a good online article about it. I think my ex has BPD, though, and that the therapist knew and didn't want to tell her (she referred her to DBT therapy, though) or just didn't get the BPD part. Who knows, though. She was utterly messed up.

found it: www.borderlinetreatmentcenters.com/love-addiction-borderline-personality-disorder/

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Keeping a sense of humor, despite it being a dark/ bitter humor is important!

I try every day to see a bright, laughable, thank-worthy aspect to my new found freedom.

In that sense, I am a bit split... .sad and celebrating at the same time.

But if that is what it takes for me to reclaim a psychic integration, so be it!

:'(      

[Willingtolearn]

I said these six words to her... ."You're as cautious as i am"

Then all hell let loose and  she dumped me.

I still can't understand why those words affected her so much.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Slowlybutsurely,

From what I have read, anyone being referred for DBT is a red flag signalling some serious emotional disregulation, probably some type of personality disorder.

SIGH... .my ex not only stopped her previous meds abruptly (cause she believed she didn't "need" them), she also refused therapy of any kind.

... .I have been so screwed ... .

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Willingtolearn,

I guess the word "cautious", for her, had a whole diff. meaning from yous.

The inferred insult/rejection/belittling was too much for her to take, perhaps?

That's what frustrating to try to communicate with persons w/ BPD. You say one thing, and they twist it around, turn it upside-down in their mind and react/rage to it.

And you are left wondering what the heck just happened?


another ... .SIGH... .

[Turkish]

Slowlybutsurely,

From what I have read, anyone being referred for DBT is a red flag signalling some serious emotional disregulation, probably some type of personality disorder.

SIGH... .my ex not only stopped her previous meds abruptly (cause she believed she didn't "need" them), she also refused therapy of any kind.

... .I have been so screwed ... .

The T of mine suggested medication to control her moods. My X said emphatically, "no!" That was over a year ago. This is the woman who almost never even takes over the counter pain killers or cold medicine when she gets bad headaches or is sick. And guess who gets to "take care of her" (and the kids) when she is bed ridden?

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Turkish,

I know how tough it has been for you... .

My ex could be "bed-ridden" even when she didn't have a cold or a flu!

It could be her PMDD, or depression, or just an "OK, I will regress, shut down and shut you out now" moment.

So just give the caregiver a thick rope, a foot stool, and a nice strong beam on the roof. And I would have been just fine... .

[Turkish]

Turkish,

I know how tough it has been for you... .

My ex could be "bed-ridden" even when she didn't have a cold or a flu!

It could be her PMDD, or depression, or just an "OK, I will regress, shut down and shut you out now" moment.

So just give the caregiver a thick rope, a foot stool, and a nice strong beam on the roof. And I would have been just fine... .

Heh. I like your dark humor.

I was down the other day, after the home robbery. Was going to sit out back and throw back a few by myself (I think she's finally got the fact that I don't want to spend time with her unless it's kid-related, and most of the time not even then). She was "worried" about me, and I replied, "if someone took me out right now, they'd be doing me a favor." She just looked at me. I said, "it's ok, I'll arm myself." She said that it wasn't a good idea if I was drinking beer. I said, "I'm not suicidal or anything, if that's what you're worried about." She replied, no, you're better than that! (I ultimately locked up my "little friend" to be safe).

Whooeee! A boost to my self esteem from my poor, lost, disordered daughter! That made me feel so much better. That she respects me. |^p

The thing is, she does respect me on a number of levels--- just not as a lover anymore, which messes with my head.

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Turkish,

It's an excellent idea to lock up your "little friend"... .and take heed, always stash the ammo somewhere else.

I've always been paranoid how BPD's are drawn to objects/situations that are not only self-defeating, but will downright kill them... .tall buildings, bridges, firearms, pills, a deserted dark alley at 4am in a bad neighborhood, knives, Samurai swords... .you name it.

"Gosh... .Daddy is drinking beer with a loaded gun!"

Respect? Fear? Probably a bit of both, don't you think?

[Soldier Of Sorrow]

Cause you are the glue in the family that holds it all together. She knows that if something was to happen to you, everything will just fall apart.

[Turkish]

Cause you are the glue in the family that holds it all together. She knows that if something was to happen to you, everything will just fall apart.

Emotionally.  if it did,  she'd be rich... .  at least until I readjust things,  .  she'd get enough to pay the mortgage just on SS  benefits for the kids.

[Turkish]

Turkish,

It's an excellent idea to lock up your "little friend"... .and take heed, always stash the ammo somewhere else.

I've always been paranoid how BPD's are drawn to objects/situations that are not only self-defeating, but will downright kill them... .tall buildings, bridges, firearms, pills, a deserted dark alley at 4am in a bad neighborhood, knives, Samurai swords... .you name it.

"Gosh... .Daddy is drinking beer with a loaded gun!"

Respect? Fear? Probably a bit of both, don't you think?

She has nothing to fear from me and she knows it.  She's the aggressive one,  though she is walking on eggshells now to not piss me off. I  removed access to any weapons years ago,  before the kids,  until she got training,  which she never did. I  even took away the nerf  toy gun from S3  because his uncles were teaching him bad habits and he was pointing it at the baby.  she only hit me once a few years ago.  I've never hit anyone in my life out of anger outside of boxing and other training.  I've only seen her in suicide ideation once  as well.

[damage control]

Interesting! I used to say to her, "Who's your daddy"?  Sheesh!

!

I am trying to laugh at (what have now become) such ironies ... .but I still shudder at disbelief at most of them ... .