Father seriously ill - need to prepare for the worst

[Gerda]

Hi, I hope I am posting in the right board. I haven't posted here in a while, since around the time the "Healing" and "Coping" boards were split. I've been NC with my BPDMom for a little over a year, but I still don't intend for this to be permanent. I needed some "breathing room" while I've been doing a lot of intense therapy, and plan on getting back into contact with her some day, when I feel I'm strong enough to handle it. (Most of my FOO lives in the same metropolitan area about 300 miles away from me.)

Since I went NC with mom, it looks like my sister has gotten much worse and now sounds just like mom on the phone with the kinds of things she says. My mom has been demonizing me to the rest of the family, and seems to have successfully turned at least my sister against me. My therapist and I are starting to think my sister may have "caught" BPD from my mom.

OK, to cut to what brought me back here: my dad. Since I've been taking a break from mom, I've been figuring a lot out about how my family worked when I was a kid. Reading Understanding the Borderline Mother and The Emotional Incest Syndrome really helped. I was the Golden Child, my mom had an emotionally incestuous relationship with me, my sister was the bad child, and my dad was the left-out spouse. My mom totally demonized my dad to me, and they eventually got divorced when I was 16. My mom used me to vent about how unhappy she was in her marriage to him, as if I was her best friend or something. I always thought my dad was a total idiot and hardly had any relationship with him.

So just recently, maybe only a few months ago, I had a bit of an epiphany and started to think maybe by dad wasn't so bad after all. Maybe my lack of relationship with him was at least partly my mom's fault, that she pushed him out of my life. I started to quit hating him and resenting him, and started to feel sorry for him, and started to consider that maybe I should try to rebuild some kind of relationship with him now that I'm older and wiser.

But I had only just starting thinking that over when in September I found out he has cancer. My sister was living with him, and every time I'd try to call, I'd have a pleasant enough conversation with Dad, where he would tell me that his cancer treatment is going well, and I don't need to worry about him, but then my sister would want to talk with me, and we'd end up yelling and screaming at each other on the phone. She did typical BPD-style derailments of the conversation and seemed to be angry at me that I was concerned about Dad and not concerned enough about her problems.

I finally got so sick of this that I went a few weeks without calling anymore because I just dreaded getting into another fight like that. Finally, on Thanksgiving I called Dad again, and he let me know that he and Mom had agreed it would be best for my sister to go live with Mom for a bit, because Dad is too sick to be taking care of her, so now sis is mad at him for "kicking her out". I told him I think he did the right thing. We had a nice conversation, and he again acted like his treatment is going fine, and he's going to beat this cancer thing and everything will be great, but did mention he made out a will and left everything to my sister and me 50/50, which worried me a bit. I started to suspect he might be downplaying the seriousness of his condition, but I guess this whole time I've been in a little bit of hopeful denial myself.

So yesterday my sister called and left a voicemail saying she needs to talk to me, it's very important. I called her last night and she said she had just gone to visit Dad after not seeing him since he "kicked her out" two weeks ago. She said she was shocked at how much he had deteriorated in that length of time, and described his condition to me in much greater detail. She made it sound like he might only have weeks to live. She did derail the conversation a little bit, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the last time I called, and we mostly managed to stay on-topic. Maybe it hadn't yet sunk in for her how serious Dad was either, when last we talked and she acted like her problems were much worse than his.

I teach at a college and have a week and a half before winter break. I had already been considering going to visit, but until last night it hadn't sunk in that this may be my last chance to see him, and that my ideas for repairing our relationship might be under much greater time constraints than I thought.

So I guess the reason I'm posting this is that I'm using the next few days before I can go see him to figure out how I'm going to handle things while I'm there. I want to make the most of it, just in case it really is true that he doesn't have much longer. I don't want to be left thinking about all the things I wish I could have said to him after it's too late. I see my therapist every Friday, and I'll ask him about it then too. The earliest I could leave is next Friday, and until then I have papers to grade and final exams and turning in my final grades. It's going to be hard to concentrate and get all that done.

I'm already starting to feel guilty about some things. Wishing the epiphany that my mom had turned me against dad had come to me sooner. Wishing that I had called him more often. Wishing I hadn't let my mom and sister distract me so much, and letting them suck me into their drama when I should have been working on my relationship with Dad. Dad was distant, and I hardly know him, but at least he's never been abusive.

Well, I need to go back to grading papers, and I should call dad sometime soon to let him know when I'd like to visit, since I haven't even mentioned that idea to him yet. I'm not even sure if, when I talk to him, I should keep "playing along" with him that his condition isn't that serious, or if I should let him know that I'm fearing the worst. I'll probably continue to keep things light when I do talk to him until I can talk to my therapist about it. Maybe that's Dad's coping mechanism for this.

[Sitara]

I'm sorry to hear how sick your dad is - that must be very difficult.

I was the Golden Child, my mom had an emotionally incestuous relationship with me, my sister was the bad child, and my dad was the left-out spouse. My mom totally demonized my dad to me, and they eventually got divorced when I was 16. My mom used me to vent about how unhappy she was in her marriage to him, as if I was her best friend or something.

I almost could have written this myself!  Except my parents are still miserably married, but my mom would complain about my dad to the point where I had to (several times) ask her to stop.  I knew all about their sex life too.  It was incredibly inappropriate.

We had a nice conversation, and he again acted like his treatment is going fine, and he's going to beat this cancer thing and everything will be great, but did mention he made out a will and left everything to my sister and me 50/50, which worried me a bit. I started to suspect he might be downplaying the seriousness of his condition, but I guess this whole time I've been in a little bit of hopeful denial myself.

It could be he's keeping a positive attitude for himself.  Or perhaps it really isn't that bad.  Have you asked him things like what stage he's in and what the doctors said about his recovery prospects? 

So yesterday my sister called and left a voicemail saying she needs to talk to me, it's very important. I called her last night and she said she had just gone to visit Dad after not seeing him since he "kicked her out" two weeks ago. She said she was shocked at how much he had deteriorated in that length of time, and described his condition to me in much greater detail. She made it sound like he might only have weeks to live. She did derail the conversation a little bit, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the last time I called, and we mostly managed to stay on-topic. Maybe it hadn't yet sunk in for her how serious Dad was either, when last we talked and she acted like her problems were much worse than his.

This, to me, sounds like she is upset your dad kicked her out and she's projecting and making it all about her.  She's saying it's dad's fault she had to move out, and it's dad's fault that he's "getting worse" because she's not there to take care of him anymore and without her he can't possibly pull through.  The reality is more likely she's upset, hurt, and wants to feel needed.

I'm not even sure if, when I talk to him, I should keep "playing along" with him that his condition isn't that serious, or if I should let him know that I'm fearing the worst.

What are you most afraid of?

What do you gain from not knowing?

What would you do if you knew he only had a certain amount of time left?

What would happen if you found out it's really not that serious?

I'm terribly sorry you are having to go through this.   This has to be very difficult and I wish you the best!

[Gerda]

Have you asked him things like what stage he's in and what the doctors said about his recovery prospects?

No, I haven't asked him the details about his recovery prospects, but my sister said he's in Stage 3, and Stage 4 is terminal. I also have a friend who works for the American Cancer Society and send me a pdf of info about the type of cancer he has, and it's one of the more serious ones.

I guess the problem is my Dad is the sort of person who always downplays how bad things are, while my mom and sister both blow things out of proportion. So it's hard to tell what's going on, and perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle. I just realized that since the conversation my mind has gone straight into "my dad's about to die!" panic mode, so maybe I need to calm down and keep hope up that things aren't that bad, at least until I can get more information.

This, to me, sounds like she is upset your dad kicked her out and she's projecting and making it all about her.  She's saying it's dad's fault she had to move out, and it's dad's fault that he's "getting worse" because she's not there to take care of him anymore and without her he can't possibly pull through.  The reality is more likely she's upset, hurt, and wants to feel needed.

This is very true. She did talk at length about how she was there to take care of him, and since she moved out he's gone downhill fast. My dad's brother lives nearby, and she said he and his wife aren't doing enough for him, though she did say they check on him every day. She said a lot of things about how dad isn't following the doctor's orders, not drinking his fluids, not taking his medicine, etc. She's also in some kind of fight now with our dad's brother's wife, and went off topic for a few minutes to rant about her.

But then again, from my dad's POV when I talked to him, he asked her to go live with Mom because he felt that he was too sick to take care of my sister! He said he just couldn't handle having to make sure she gets out of bed in the morning, takes her psychiatric medications, goes to her therapy appointments, etc. I sometimes wonder if the stress of having to live with her might have contributed to his illness.

What are you most afraid of?

What do you gain from not knowing?

What would you do if you knew he only had a certain amount of time left?

What would happen if you found out it's really not that serious?

The main concern I have right now is that he might not have much time left, and I was wanting to repair our relationship at least to some extent. I would hate to have him die and never having the chance to tell him that I understand mom kind of pushed him out of my life, and that I don't resent him for it anymore. Also, I had been looking forward to having a better relationship with him in the future, but now I'm afraid there's not going to be time for that.

If it turns out it's not as serious as my sister is making it sound, it will be a huge relief, but just in case I still feel I should get started on improving our relationship right away. I just want to make sure I do it in such a way that is still sensitive to his needs. If he doesn't want to talk about Serious Cancer Stuff, maybe I shouldn't force him to.

[Gerda]

Well, I just called Dad, and he said I can come visit him anytime I wish, but he's pretty sick, and that's when he'll be getting ready for surgery, so he won't feel like "being a good host" and "entertaining us" and so on and so forth. I was afraid he'd say something like that. I told him we'd stay in a hotel, and we might only be there for a couple of days, but I wanted to see him before he went in for surgery. He said he's "getting better all the time", so I told him I wouldn't be able to make it there for about two more weeks anyway, so maybe by then he'll be feeling even better. So I told him I'd call back later when I have a better idea of the exact days we could come.

I really hope I'm not actually bothering him by coming. I'm afraid I sounded like I was imposing myself on him or something.

[P.F.Change]

I guess the problem is my Dad is the sort of person who always downplays how bad things are, while my mom and sister both blow things out of proportion. So it's hard to tell what's going on, and perhaps the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Is there any way you can speak directly with his physician? Privacy rules would probably require your dad to sign a release, but if you are able it might be a good way to get accurate information.

I really hope I'm not actually bothering him by coming. I'm afraid I sounded like I was imposing myself on him or something.

He could always say, "No, don't come," if he really didn't want you there. Instead he says to "come visit him anytime." It sounds like you are trying to do some mind-reading, which may not be very helpful to you. Offering to stay in a hotel sounds like a thoughtful way to give him space to rest. I hope you are able to have a good visit together.

Wishing you peace,

PF