why do I have to be quiet and not fight to have peace

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am not a fan of the advice that to defuse our BPD SO we have to not fight, listen and accept blame. Arguing with my BF is like arguing with a damn child. Hes also a big offender when it comes to projections. I told him I wasnt going to get rid of the accounts and that he was wrong. Sometimes they are the only access to the outside world I have. I used to be very social and thi gs changed when i got in this relationsbip obviously. He blames and criticizes me to know end then somehow say that is m talking about him. This behavior makes me despise him. Today he tried to accuse me of luring in men, my so-called replacements with posting pictures of my one year old and I on instagram. He also got mad about 3 Facebook msgs from men two I didn't respond to he other was a guy that asks about apartment rentals. Hes the one that got cheating with the girlfriends on Face ook hence the reason why be doesnt bave an account. Not to mention he is in several of my photos. He tried to make me feel like I was in bikini pics flaunting myself... .its a far cry FROM the truth. I look like a mama of 3 kids... .whatever. I didn't give in I just said whatever. He tried to argue all day. I went to an auditon he thought it was a date. The whole day was a Dan waste and I showed my displeasure. He went from mad an açusatory to sick. Said he hurt himself and fell to the ground. I walked over him.he late called and aid he was sl3py and needed me to talk to him so he wouldn't die behind the wheel. Thisbfron he guy that went thru my stuff whe hes he cheater and talked hitbto me all day but now wants sypahy. This disease is a trip! The worst part is he manipulation and I am over it. I TLD him he could kick rocks over the instagram issue. I really don't think it would have helped to apologize and be empathetic just feels like I'd be feeding the monster.

[eternalbloom]

I am not a fan of the advice that to defuse our BPD SO we have to not fight, listen and accept blame. Arguing with my BF is like arguing with a damn child. Hes also a big offender when it comes to projections. I told him I wasnt going to get rid of the accounts and that he was wrong. Sometimes they are the only access to the outside world I have. I used to be very social and thi gs changed when i got in this relationsbip obviously. He blames and criticizes me to know end then somehow say that is m talking about him. This behavior makes me despise him. Today he tried to accuse me of luring in men, my so-called replacements with posting pictures of my one year old and I on instagram. He also got mad about 3 Facebook msgs from men two I didn't respond to he other was a guy that asks about apartment rentals. Hes the one that got cheating with the girlfriends on Face ook hence the reason why be doesnt bave an account. Not to mention he is in several of my photos. He tried to make me feel like I was in bikini pics flaunting myself... .its a far cry FROM the truth. I look like a mama of 3 kids... .whatever. I didn't give in I just said whatever. He tried to argue all day. I went to an auditon he thought it was a date. The whole day was a Dan waste and I showed my displeasure. He went from mad an açusatory to sick. Said he hurt himself and fell to the ground. I walked over him.he late called and aid he was sl3py and needed me to talk to him so he wouldn't die behind the wheel. Thisbfron he guy that went thru my stuff whe hes he cheater and talked hitbto me all day but now wants sypahy. This disease is a trip! The worst part is he manipulation and I am over it. I TLD him he could kick rocks over the instagram issue. I really don't think it would have helped to apologize and be empathetic just feels like I'd be feeding the monster.

[Surnia]

I hear your anger and frustration, eternal bloom. Being with someone who is criticizing and blaming is very exhausting. Circular arguments are leading to more frustration.

What we recommend is not to go into the battle of a circular argument. One possibility is just a qualm statement like: I am not willing to discus my last picture on FB with you in that tone. And than walk away and be consequent and not coming back to the discussion.

Just giving in and apologizing for posting a picture is not a good solution.

For me personally good communication needs to come along with a sense for the own boundaries.

[bouchon226]

Surnia,

I agree that stating you will not discuss the 'hot' topic while coming from a frustrated or angry place.  The only issue is that if dealing with BPD, some don't care that you have told them you do not wish to discuss something at that moment.  When I tell my husband that in the car, he will totally verbally berate me the entire way home or if we're in the house and I try to walk away, he will follow me around the house and bully me until I give in to the conversation.  That is why I can no longer live with him, it was total insanity.  If he would have given me space when I asked for it during his outbursts, we may have had a fighting chance.  Through therapy, he went through a very short period of time where he would recognize when he needed to step back and talk about a subject later, but that was very short lived... just like all of his other promises and undertakings.  If eternal's partner will listen to the request to discuss something at a later time, that would be wonderful!  I sure hope that is the case!

I hear your anger and frustration, eternal bloom. Being with someone who is criticizing and blaming is very exhausting. Circular arguments are leading to more frustration.

What we recommend is not to go into the battle of a circular argument. One possibility is just a qualm statement like: I am not willing to discus my last picture on FB with you in that tone. And than walk away and be consequent and not coming back to the discussion.

Just giving in and apologizing for posting a picture is not a good solution.

For me personally good communication needs to come along with a sense for the own boundaries.

[Surnia]

Yes, buchon226,

for some of our SO it will not work. Than we need doing something else. I am happily divorced now. Believe me, I know exactly what do you mean. My H claimed that I have to discuss things with him - it was no discussion, I got lectured not just for some minutes. And yes, a car can be a very difficult place. 

At this point boundaries are coming in place. Blocking exits, follow someone, not stop when being asked for, all this are boundary violations.

About discussions: Yes, sometimes you can try to speak again about the topic later when less heated. And some topics I didn't want to discuss anymore, for example when my h brought up something from the past again and again.

I really like all the communication tools, the idea to try out first, try to make things better. And if it doesn't work, we need a plan B.

[bouchon226]

Surnia,

I totally agree!  It seems that BPD'ers don't know boundaries.  Every therapist my H has ever seen has told him he MUST respect my boundaries or it would destroy our marriage.  He has continued to violate the boundaries and bully me, which is how I have arrived at deciding that the marriage is over. 

My H has wanted to "talk" every day of our relationship.  Not normal conversations like a happy married couple would have but "talks" about all of our issues, where the relationship is headed, what we can do about it, etc.  In the end, I would just blow up if he said "we need to talk" because I am so sick of talking about the relationship with him.  I am looking forward to the day I am with someone who is emotionally stable and we can enjoy ourselves, not having to constantly talk about the relationship.  I'm also looking forward to someone not needing to talk about it because they know where the relationship stands.  Even when things were going good with us, if I made one comment that he misinterpreted, it would turn into do I love him, have I ever loved him, are we going to break up  blah blah blah.  The ironic thing is that whenever he was confused about where it was going, it was because he made it chaotic himself.  Self-fulfilling prophecies, right? 

I have experienced all of the boundary violations you mentioned, such as blocking exits, following me around the house, not stopping talking / yelling (EVER! I don't think once in 3 years did he ever quit talking/berating/yelling when I asked him to).  It is so frustrating.  For a long time, it made me feeling like I was going crazy.  Then I started to realize it wasn't me.  I can admit it has caused me to not see my finer days.  I have smacked my husband and thrown my phone at him when he followed me around and scared me.  I felt like a viper backed up in a corner and when the taunting wouldn't stop, I struck for self defense.  It is so nice being in my house now without him so I can breathe, and have peace and quiet and reflect on all the crazy junk that happened, which just validates my need for a divorce.

My H insists we go to therapy for more communication tools.  I know the effort is futile.  We have been in therapy on and off for 3 years and no matter what he is taught, he doesn't stick by it.  So it's essentially a big waste of time and money.  He always says so WE can communicate better, which I always find funny since talking to him is like either talking to a brick wall or being in a hamster wheel.  His therapist made the mistake of telling him that he zones out and doesn't remember things because he's playing over his childhood abuse in his head.  So now that is his excuse, instead of dealing with/letting go of the fact that his dad was a jerk (with all this therapy he has had) and moving forward with his life - learning to be a good communicator instead he's happy to have an excuse.  He's had all the tools he could ask for, he just doesn't take advantage of them - or at least he pretends like he's taking advantage of them but he's really still spinning his wheels in his own head…...

[briefcase]

Appeasment, accepting blaming, and generally being a doormat doesn't work.  But neither do shouting matches, circular arguments, or trying to "out BPD" the person with BPD.  None of these approaches are part of the healing platforms here. 

The communication tools (SET, DEARMAN, etc.) are not for the person with BPD - they're for you!  Members who use them report a lot of improvement in their lives and relationships, even when their partners are just as BPD as ever.   

 

[eternalbloom]

Unfortunately enforcing this boundary didn't work for me. It caused him to rage/spit and curse at me even more. I ran from room to room to get away from him. He even came into the bathroom. I spent a few hours here and there in the neighborhood while he sat in my apartment. I could be focusing on work or tending to the baby and he'd wage war on topic a and act like we were having the conversation for the first time. Then berate me and say vile things to hurt my feelings. This has been my life everyday for a few months now. I do t know what switch went off but he barely tried to be nice or charming it was like the wrath had come down each day. I felt like a prisoner in my own home. Notbi g would keep him away from me. I told him to leave after he de ided to be honest about a weight gain he suspected to be 30lbs in 3 months say I g I looked like s$it each day and that I needed to dress up for him he also talked about my hygiene, aspirations or the lack thereof and how it was impossible to turn a hoe into a housewife. Mind you ... .he had just awoke from a 6 hour nap and I made him food and this happened. He rounded the days events by slapping my computer out my hand and breaking it... .I am a freelance designer so there goes my work machine and throwing a 1000k in cash at my face... .hard too before picking up each bill threatening me if I'd taken one and leaving.

He texted me today saying that he wanted to give me some money for the kids Xmas, would lend me his car if I needed it and wanted to mentor my teenage son.

Are you kidding me? Can you imagine what would have happened if I yelled back or stood up for myself? He'd be in jail and I'd be donning an ice pack right now.

[Surnia]

eternalbloom

So sorry to hear all this, the smashed laptop, the berating... . 

Sounds like you are in a even dangerous situation! Under such circumstances its not wise to enforce boundaries without a plan or even some support from outside.

Is it the first time he got physical and broke something?

[eternalbloom]

Hi Surnia,

Unfortunately no this isnt the first time. I have a list of broken items from  and a domestic violence case that was prosecuted against him. At that time it was a push while I was 7 months pregnant, a big deal at the time and we broke up for six months after. Upon his return this July he's become increasingly more abusive, pushes, swatting, guarding door ways when I try to exit. He's on probation and doesn't care and immediately denies hitting me after. Its the strangest thing I've ever experienced.

I think I will get an estimate for all the broken items and take him to small claims. Maybe getting the law involved with deter him from messing with my property.

[Surnia]

Hi eternalbloom

All this is indeed very strange... .

I think you need to work on different levels. There is a legal part. If necessary you can ask also here: Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody.

Another side is to be consistent in your message what you are willing to tolerate and what not. Easily said, often not so easily done.

Did you ever reached out for a Domestic violence help desk?

[dontknow2]

Eternalbloom,

I have been on and off with my dBPDxh for almost 20 years. I went through very similar situations. I feel your pain when reading your posts. Please be good to yourself.  

[eternalbloom]

Thank you all and I appreciate you taking the time share.