Very Worried about SD14

[Celisara]

Hi Everyone,

I am a member on a similar website, and someone on there recommended I check this one out. At this point I will take any and all help/advice that I can get! I have been in my SD's life since she was 7, and little things about her have always concerned me. She has always been extremely selfish, lacked the ability to admit when she is wrong and will lie to get out of admitting fault. She has always lacked human compassion and empathy, and everything has to be about her. She has never developed lasting friendships, even despite her ability to get in with the "popular crowd" at school. I always wondered if there was something not quite right with her mentally, but kind of just figured it was all due to her parents getting divorced when she was young.

Recently, however, things took kind of a worrisome turn. This will be very long, so I apologize, but there is a lot to it. I am copying and pasting from the other site I am on, so the time frame is off (This all happened the weekend before Thanksgiving , but I didn't want to re-type it all):


This weekend was a complete disaster and things kind of fell apart when it comes to SD14. It all started on Friday night when we found out that SD decided to sneak her BF into our house during the day when she was supposedly at home SICK. I wont go into details about that because it's really insignificant compared to the rest. DH took her phone away from her and read through her texts. He pulls me into our bedroom and tells me I need to read them. This is more or less how it goes:

BF- I need to get friend1's number.

SD14-Why do you need it?

BF-I just do. I don't have to tell you everything I do.

SD14-OK, fine. it is ###

BF-Did you have sex with Boy?

SD14- No, I'm pretty sure that I would remember if I did.

BF- Are you sure about that?

SD14-He said that we did but I don't remember.

BF-Don't talk to me anymore.

SD14- They drugged me so I wouldn't know what I was doing. It's basically rape. You can't be mad at me for something that isn't my fault.

I read these texts and immediately start thinking that this boy drugged SD and took advantage of her. I tell DH that I will go in SD's room and talk to her about it because I don't think that she will tell him anything.

I go in her room and ask her about it. I ask her who the boy is that was talked about. She stays quiet, and wont look at me. I ask her if he raped her and she still stays quiet. I explain to her that I know it's an uncomfortable thing for her to talk about, but that it is very important that she tell me everything that happened. She basically just tells me that she went to this boy's house with Friend1 and she didn't know anyone who was there except the girl she went with. She says that they got there, then all she remembers is waking up the next morning. While I am in the middle of talking to her, H barges in, completely irate, and says "She's lying."

SD freaks out and starts crying, saying that she's telling the truth. I start yelling at H because here I am thinking that SD has been drugged and raped, and H just upset her to the point where she isn't going to talk to me anymore.

H- Come read the other texts and you might not stand up for her anymore.

So, here are the other texts:

SD14-Can you please talk to BF for me? I really seriously like him and I don't want to lose him.

Friend- Yes, which story do you want me to tell him?

SD14- The one where I was drugged and it wasn't my fault.

Friend- Ok, I'll tell him.

So, it seems very obvious to us at this point that SD slept with this boy and remembers it, but when H confronts her about the texts, she still claims she was drugged and doesn't remember anything about the night.

H set up a meeting with the parents of the friend who went to the party with her. Turns out, the friend ends up being at the meeting too. She tells H that SD willingly smoked pot. She saw her go into a room with the boy and after a little bit, went in to check on her. She was making out with him, so the friend left her alone. A little while later, the boy came out bragging that they had just had sex. The friend claims that she doesn't know for sure if SD actually did or not, because supposedly SD wouldn't tell her.

So, after H talked to the friend and her parents, he pulls SD out of school so we can talk to her. We get her to admit that she willingly smoked pot, but she still is adamant about the fact that she doesn't remember anything about the sex. So, we tell SD that based on what we know, it sounds like we will have to make a statement to the police because it sounds like the boy might have given her drugs to impair her. (Since most of us probably know that Pot does not wipe out your memory as she claims happened to her). We were very clear with her that she will have to talk to the police, as will all of the kids who were at the party, along with the friend she texted. She isn't happy about it, but agrees to do it as long as her mom is with her.

Her mom takes her to the DR and gets a pregnancy test. Thankfully it comes out negative. While she is there, SD tells the nurse that she was impaired when she had sex. So, by law, they have to report it. She gave the boy's name.

Well, parts of SD's story just didn't add up, and H wants to make sure that the parents of the kids who were at the party know what went on. So, he tracks down their addresses and goes to all their houses, including the boy she had sex with.

Here's where things get really messed up. When H talks to the boy, he tells H that SD came on to him and that she wanted to sleep with him. He says that all they did was smoke pot, there was no other drugs there. He hands H his phone and lets him read some texts between him and SD. Without getting too graphic about what was said(because it really kind of disgusts me to think about her talking the way she did) I will just say that she made it very clear that she enjoyed herself with him and she was making plans to do it again. This was DAYS after it happened. She lied to us. She made us believe that she had been drugged and raped. Even after we told her that she could potentially ruin this boy's life if we went to the police, even knowing that H would be talking to all the parents. I sat there and held her, crying on her shoulder because I thought that some boy had taken advantage of her.

I knew that she had an issue with lying and manipulating but this goes WAY beyond what I thought she was capable of. She basically proved that she doesn't care about ANYONE other than herself. She was willing to label this boy as a rapist just so she didn't have to admit that she had sex with him. H is heartbroken. His little girl allowed him to go to that boy's house and more or less accuse him of one of the worst things you can do to another person.

I don't know where we go from here. Counseling is an absolute must, as is birth control. H got a $500 bonus from work and he didn't tell me about it until yesterday. He had planned on using it to buy me something nice for Christmas. Instead, he bought a safe and a surveillance system to put up around our house because he doesn't trust SD. This is going to tear our family apart if we can't figure out how to get a handle on it. I honestly think that she may have a mental illness and could benefit from treatment. I think that this recent episode goes far beyond the scope of what a normal teen would be willing to do to stay out of trouble. I'm worried about her and I just don't think that any of this is normal.


After that post, some more things happened. Here is the rest:

Last weekend SD asked to stay the night with my SIL because her cousin was in town and she wanted to hang out with him. Because she had been cooped up at home, and it was family, we let her go. Well, turns out while she was there, she told her 13 and 15 year old cousins that she was raped and that DH doesn't believe her. angry_smile Even though we PROVED that she is lying about that whole thing, she STILL believes it to be true (or at least wants everyone else to believe it). And here's the best part, she stole two pairs of pants from her cousin. When DH confronted her about it, she said "I don't know how those got in my bag"

Yeah, I'm sure. My SIL doesn't want her coming to her house anymore and I can't say that I blame her.

Then, this morning something else happened. SD is on the high school dance team. She has practice at 6 every morning. This morning she came in our room at 4:30 and told DH she didn't want to go, and that she would explain why later. We went back to sleep. I woke up around 6 when my phone started ringing off the hook. It was her dance coach. I didn't know the reason why she didn't go, so I didn't want to talk to her. I went into SD's room and asked her why she didn't go. This is how the conversation went:

Celisara: Why didn't you go to dance this morning?

SD- My friend went behind my back and told my XBF some things that I told her.

Celisara- Ok, but what does that have to do with dance?

SD- I just don't want to go. It's not fun for me anymore and I can't deal with my coach.

Celisara- Did something happen? You've been dealing with your coach this whole time, so why can you all of a sudden not deal with her?

SD- I just don't like it anymore.

So then DH talks to her about it and her story changes and gets bad. She tells him that she didn't want to go because she was afraid her team would see the marks on her arm. Apparently, she cut herself with a steak knife.

DH looked at her arms and he says that there are red marks, but that it doesn't look like she even broke the skin. We honestly think that she purposely did this to try and get out of going to dance. I am worried, really worried about this. She very obviously believes the lies that she tells people, and she is willing to hurt other people to avoid looking bad to others. Now she's willing to harm herself in order to get out of doing something she doesn't want to do? Never once in this whole situation has she cried. Not once. Is that not weird to anyone else?

Since that last post, we have talked to the school counselor, and she met with SD. She of course says that she can't tell us what they discussed, so all we know is that the counselor felt "Positive and hopeful" about their discussion.

So I guess I am unsure about a lot right now. I'm thinking she may have Antisocial Personality Disorder, or possibly BD. This is all new to me so I don't know if I am on the wrong board. I would appreciate any thoughts you all might have.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Celisara,

  Wow!  I just have to say I'm so sorry for the hard time your family is going through now.  It sounds just completely emotionally draining! 

People with BPD tend to live in a different reality sometimes.  I truly believe they sometimes start out lying and then so completely believe the lie that it becomes part of their reality.  Also, I would like to point out that he did drug (smoke pot with her) her and then have sex with her.  That is the part of the story that she has built on.  So, at this point you really should be thinking of her as a rape victim.  That is her reality.  It makes no sense and it really is twisted, but it is part of her illness.  We have been through a similar situation with our dd and it is really hard to find that sympathy for her since I know what is and isn't true.  However, she is my dd and my goal is to make her feel loved and accepted enough that she can live her life in truth.

How are you and your dh?  This is a lot to deal with and I'd have taken quite a few xanex to get through it.  How do you cope during these high stress times? 

If it's ok with you, I'm going to request that this thread be moved to the parenting board, so that you don't have to copy your post over there.  I really think you could benefit from suggestions from our other parents here.

I have a couple of links to skills you may find helpful in talking with your dd.


Radical Acceptance for family members

You and your dh really need to make sure you are taking care of yourselves and each other during these high stress times.

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

When she is at her worst, she needs you most.  Find the nugget of truth and validate it so you can get her centered.

Video--Validation: Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family

Keep posting!  This is a great site and I hope you learn a lot and gain the support you need.

-crazed

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am so sorry for what you are going through as a family, and I want you to know I truly understand your pain.  Our DD is 14 as well.  She was an abandoned baby whom we got at birth and legally adopted 2 1/2 years later.  Our family of DH and me, 2 older boys and now DD seemed perfect until DD was about 11 and I was diagnosed with breast cancer (I am fine now).  That is when she started cutting her arms, thighs and stomach, losing weight due to anorexia, binging and purging her food, having difficulty maintaining relationships with peers (though she does great with kids and senior citizens) and having suicidal thoughts.  Our DD's cuts are superficial too, but they do not cut to get out of something they don't want to do (generally anyway).  Usually they use the physical pain of cutting themselves as a way to relieve their intense emotional pain.  She truly may be embarrassed about going to dance practice with cuts on her arms.  DD is a softball player and she will wear her softball jacket/hoodie during summer games when its 90+ degrees out!  They usually do not want anyone else to know what they are doing.  Her not wanting to go to dance sounds so familiar.  DD was accepted into a softball class in her HS and you cannot try out for the HS team without this class.  You have to be approved to attend and DD has the talent to probably make the team.  She has ruined her chances because "she didn't like it anymore and didn't like the coach" so she dropped the class - just like your SD! 

The lies?  It is not as much now, but we have had those as well.  As a matter of fact, DD told us about being raped at a local park by a 19 y/o boy last summer. When we went to the police she said she didn't know his last name, changed her story 3x about which friend was with her when she met this boy, couldn't remember where any of these friends lived... .so the case was dropped.  This past summer she was actually molested by the father of a friend.  This person has confessed to the crime, so we know it is true.  However it is really sad when your child tells you this and you are not sure you can believe her! 

I agree totally with counseling.  Make sure you have a therapist who is supervised by a psychiatrist because IF she does have BPD, it is almost always accompanied by depression, anxiety or both.  In those cases medication will not cure the disorder and make counseling unnecessary, but when you control those, especially the anxiety, you can make her life and most especially your lives, a lot more bearable!  For our DD, a combination of Prozac and Abilify has been extremely helpful!  I have to also add that daily Effexor (and anti-depressant/anxiety) for me, and a little bottle of low dose Xanax for when I need it have gotten me through a lot of stress lately without my losing my cool.

BPD, and any serious mental illness really, can wreck havoc on your lives and make you get to the point where you feel like a dysfunctional family.  Do not rule out therapy for yourselves as well and be sure to stick around here.  This board is very supportive and helpful!   

[Thursday]

celisara-

There is so much in your post that reminds me of my SD when she was 14. She is 22 now.

One thing I've learned over these years with her (she was 14 when I joined the family... .no divorce- her Dad was widowed) is that no matter how strange and disturbing her behavior, the main thing we need to stay focused on is that the behaviors are maladaptive. Figuring out why doesn't help much. Her figuring out better coping skills DOES.

That said, I wanted to comment about the cutting. Once, my SD broke a window in our home and scraped her back with a piece of the glass. Superficially. She called her Dad at work. Told him that our dogs had knocked her down and into the window. She was writhing around in pain because when she fell her back got cut and then, because she was writhing around in the broken glass her face got cut up. Also superficially.

The truth- she got into an argument with a boy from our neighborhood. She was not allowed to hang around with this boy because a few weeks earlier she had swung her backpack at him and hit him in the face and broke his tooth. After the broken tooth incident we had talked to the boys parents, paid for the tooth repair and all of us decided that the two kids should not be allowed to hang out anymore. During the argument that happened as they walked home from school in proximity to one another he told her he wasn't supposed to even talk to her because she was "crazy" and his parents didn't want him getting hurt again. He said this in front of a few other kids and it embarrassed her and made her angry.

The story about the broken window, and the scrape on her back were to cover up that she had raked her face with her fingernails in her frustration over the situation. She needed a way to explain the  self-injury so she broke a window and Self Injured again. 

Additionally, when she went to school the next day and people asked her about the marks on her face, she told a story that the boy had scraped her face during sex by accident. (she had some vague idea that sometimes when people have sex together there is fingernail scraping included)

It would take a year to discuss how I learned the truth of this situation but as you can see, she did harm herself  to try to cover up the original self-injury.  For a long time I worried about her lying and manipulations until I finally figured out that these details are really not "important". What is important is that she has very maladaptive ways to attempt to gain mastery of situations. Coping with feelings of anger is an important skill but if all I seek is truth to point out her lies, we can't get to the important parts.

I don't think it really matters if your DD is cutting to get out of something. The important part is that this action is a symptom of a bigger problem.

Yes, it sounds to me like this board will be a good fit for you to help you understand your SD and to learn some skills to help you sort things out, help you to help her, help you cope with what sounds to be a very difficult situation.

thursday

[Celisara]

Thanks so much for your posts! The past few weeks have been emotionally draining for me, and my DH has not been coping very well with all of this, so sometimes he gets defensive with me. I broke down crying on my drive home last Friday because I just don't know how to handle all of this.

SD had to talk with a police investigator on Friday because when DH still thought that she had been drugged and raped, he talked to the police about it. Due to his conversation with the officer, they decided to bring her and the boy in for questioning. Turns out that they are going to talk to the other kids who were present at the party and that they might possibly try to charge the boy with Lewd Conduct. It's against the law to give a girl drugs then have sex with her. While I agree that it is wrong for him to have done that, based on what we have seen through her texts, it sounds like she was interested in the boy, she pursued him, and it sounds like everything was consensual. I just am having a really hard time with the fact that this boy will be a registered sex offender because of something that she wanted to do.

But, at the same time, the boy made the choice to give her drugs. He also made the choice to sleep with her while she was on drugs.

My biggest issue really is the fact that she might have just gotten away with a VERY big lie. She was able to turn all of the blame onto someone else for something she chose to do. I agree that the important thing is for her to learn some coping skills, and I definitely think that counseling for myself will be a must. We are waiting for our new insurance to kick in, then we will choose someone to go to.

I'm so glad that I found this board and can talk to people who have been through similar situations. It sounds like you have all been through some touch spots too! Hopefully it gets easier?

[BioAdoptMom3]

If the boy gave her a drug then took advantage of her, he was in the wrong whether she had shown interest in him sexually or not!  That is rape and he should be labeled as a sexual offender!  I had a hard time with what was going on with our DD too because though the offender in our case was 40+ years old and she is 14, she did text him.  I was so torn about it, blaming her as well to a degree and feeling badly about his being labeled an offender, losing his job and possibly his wife, but the detective and my pastor who I sought out, set the record straight with me about rape. My DD's offender is totally at fault because he is an adult and she is a child.  Your child's offender is also at fault because he did something illegal then took advantage of her!  I hope this helps you to feel better about the whole thing (as far as blame, arrest, labeling, etc. is concerned). 

[jellibeans]

I would like to suggest a book for you to read.  It is overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr. I have read a lot of books but this one I felt really said it all.

The lying is hard to deal with but I guess you already knew your sd was a lair. That is the hard part. Not know what to believe but I think it is best to focus on her disorder and her lack of coping skills. I would put some boundaries in place as well. My daughter goes no where without me knowing exact where. If she is sleeping over then I need to talk to the parents and confirm all plans.

It goes without saying your sd needs to see a counselor and get some help. Look for someone that does DBT.  I am not sure your sd is BPD. This age can be difficult all around. Some of what you said sounds like a typical teen.

Is she having any other issues with school? Depression? Anxeity?

There many here that have gone through the same as you you are not alone I have the same stories. Take care and get the book. It will help.

[Celisara]

jellibeans- What you do with your D is exactly what I have discussed with my DH. When we finally do let her spend time with friends, we are just going to have to monitor things a lot better than before. Even if it means we are those annoying parents who call the friend's parents to check on them, I think it's important that we know where she is, and who she is with.

That is part of why she is grounded right now. She told us she was going to be at her friend's house, then ended up at that boy's house. If she hadn't been in trouble and had her phone taken away, we would never have even known that she had gone there. Not knowing where she is, or who she is with is something we are not comfortable with.

I will definitely check that book out. Thanks for the suggestion. And as far as her maybe not being BPD, I don't know that she is or isn't either. A contact from another site told me she thinks she might be BPD. I am leaning towards ASPD, but even that I am unsure of.

If the boy gave her a drug then took advantage of her, he was in the wrong whether she had shown interest in him sexually or not!  That is rape and he should be labeled as a sexual offender!  I had a hard time with what was going on with our DD too because though the offender in our case was 40+ years old and she is 14, she did text him.  I was so torn about it, blaming her as well to a degree and feeling badly about his being labeled an offender, losing his job and possibly his wife, but the detective and my pastor who I sought out, set the record straight with me about rape. My DD's offender is totally at fault because he is an adult and she is a child.  Your child's offender is also at fault because he did something illegal then took advantage of her!  I hope this helps you to feel better about the whole thing (as far as blame, arrest, labeling, etc. is concerned). 

I agree with you that the boy giving her drugs then having sex with her was NOT at all Ok. I've realized that in the end, whether she remembers what happened or not is irrelevant. She was willing to do drugs and put herself in a potentially harmful situation where she may not be in control of her actions. That in itself is upsetting to me and needs to be dealt with. She is only FOURTEEN and is putting herself in bad situations, and we need to get to the bottom of why she is willing to do that.

I had reservations about even posting on this board due to the fact that I am not a DR and SD has not been diagnosed with anything. I worried that people would think these are all just "typical teen" issues. I'm still not sure about any of it. Maybe I am looking for answers that aren't there. Maybe she is just a normal teenage girl and I am completely wrong about my suspicions. I don't know.

[BioAdoptMom3]

You are so right in that none of us can diagnose your SD with BPD.  It may or may not be that, but with a 14 y/o DD who is diagnosed with at least BPD traits by 4 different mental health professionals (her therapist, her psych, the psych from the hospital and the therapist at the hospital) here are some of the red flags I see.  Some of those can be normal teen behavior, but when you look at the list I think it probably indicates more than that.  Other parents here have more experience than I do so they may pick up on some things I haven't, but this is what I noticed in your post:

Cutting herself

Drug involvement

Lying

Manipulating

Stealing

Having sexual relations at an early age

Wanting to quit the dance team suddenly, something she is good at, which may indicate depression and depression is usually associated with BPD

Showing a lack of remorse and especially emotion when she knew the boy would get in serious trouble, when you were crying on her shoulder and when she had stolen the pants

I agree with the counseling because the cutting, then admitting it to you is a cry for help.  Before we got DD counseling and on meds was when we had the most serious issues with cutting, anorexia and bulimia.  She left the stuff out she used to cut herself, made sure someone who knew us saw it at school and lost 8 pounds over Christmas break. 

You are welcome here and will probably feel a little better being able to communicate with parents who understand what you and your DH are going through!  When you add up all your SD's behaviors it just does not seem like normal teen behavior. 

[PaulaJeanne]

I was so sad to read your story. My dd is 20 and she was exactly like your daughter at 14. By the time she was 18 I was suffering from PTSD, taking lexapro & xanax. The risky behavior and lack of concern for the wake of destruction is very hard to take. My dd had a number of encounters (I don't know or want to know how many) with older teens, maybe even older, who were taking advantage of her. But I always felt she was as much at fault as they were. I don't have any sons, but if I had one who met a girl like my dd, I'd be very, very scared.

It's funny, so many people hesitate to hospitalize their kids, but the only time I could sleep at night was if she was in the hospital. She's been much better the last year, but when I drive by the psychiatric hospital, I get a warm fuzzy feeling about it.

Everyone was reluctant to diagnose my dd at such a young age, but I knew it wasn't normal teenage bad behavior. Then there was substance abuse, which everyone except me was more than willing to attribute all the problems to. The school, the hospitals, all pushed us toward drug treatment programs, but all that did was introduce her to a lot of druggies. If I could have kept her hospitalized, I would have. I fantasized about my family getting stranded on a deserted island so she would be safe.

My dd is in a relationship with nice, but damaged, young man... .i think this is the waif & the frog prince, but it's been going on for about a year now and at least she's not doing drugs or  having risky sex... .for now.

My prayers are with you. The rest of these teen years will not be easy. I sometimes wonder how I made it through, but I did. Therapy, medication... .all help.

[Celisara]

cjw17- I'm sorry to hear about your DD and what you and your family have had to go through. I often wonder about how my SD will be as an adult, and if she will ever be able to develop healthy relationships. I worry that she never will and this is all just the beginning of a very vicious cycle.

A few new things have happened since my last post. my DH went and talked with a police officer. They started an investigation into what happened the night that SD claims she was raped. They brought all of the kids in and talked to them individually as also took their phones to recover deleted texts. SD told them the same thing that she had told us; that she didn't remember having sex with the boy.

Recently, the police called her in again to talk. They pulled her into a room alone and talked to her. While she was in another room, they told DH that based on the evidence that they recovered, they didn't feel that she had been honest with them about what happened that night. SD ended up confessing to the investigator that she had lied. She said that the did remember the night, that she knew before she went into the room with the boy that they were going to have sex, and that she wanted it to happen. She said that she didn't want to admit to us that she had done it, and then it all got out of control when we threatened to take it to the police.

So now I am really struggling with how to deal with this. She lies to us constantly, and we catch her all the time. Usually it is about small things that are pretty insignificant, but this particular lie is HUGE. I guess I really just don't know how to deal with the small lies. Lying is wrong, and is a damaging behavior so we obviously want to discourage it. My problem is that she is constantly lying, and my DH says he thinks we need to pick our battles. If the lie is something stupid that doesn't really affect anyone negatively does that mean we just ignore it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

My dd lies a lot... . so much so that we don't really believe a lot she says. I do think you have to pick your battles. If possible let there be natural consequences for her lie. If she has lied about where she has went then I would probably ground her for some time or impose restrictions. I guess it really depends on what the lie is.

The lie about the rape I think was huge but the police got to the bottle of it... . must have been pretty embarrassing for her. I think it shows she is not to be trusted and I think she would have to earn that trust back.

I would not ignore a lie but I don't always think there has to be a punishment... . I also think it is hard for the pwBPD to really acknowledge it was a lie... . often there is a thread of truth to the lie... . My dd might lie about not feeling well... . she is probably healthy but is trying to avoid some obligation like school... . sometimes her stress will make her sick so how to deal with this kind of lie... . is it a lie? I think is when validation (SET) comes in... . to acknowledge her feelings but also end with a truth statement like... . you still need to go to school.

I think you need to think about how the lying will change how you deal with your dd... . will she have the same freedoms?

[Celisara]

I have been really trying lately to use SET. It is very hard, but I am trying. I know it will just take some time to make it become my natural response, so I'm not expecting things to change over night. DH and I have discussed how things will change and we have come to the conclusion that unfortunately, there really is no trust there anymore.

A positive though is that my SD has recently been talking about how she feels like there is something wrong with her and that she does not want to be the kind of person that she is becoming. Getting her to talk to someone I think might be a lot easier than we had originally thought.

[js friend]

Hi Celisara

DD19 accused her b/f of rape a few years ago. Even got him locked up,and then withdrew the charges.Not before taking off to live with a new friend when I said that I didnt believe her as she had history of doing that kind of thing.When she ws much younger she rang the police to say i had physically abused her . thank goodness all charges were dropped , but ill tell ya I lived in fear if her doing it again for years after that.Thenn when she accused bf I was really hopefully  that the police would lock her up for wasting their time, and get dd the mental healh help she needs, as I expressed my concerns. Dont know how they couldnt see it as she was a repeat accuser.

Now with time and hindesight, maybe locking her up and giving  her time to think about what she had done really wouldnt have helped... . but I think talking in a calm manner will. i know it is so imoprtant to talk your dd about the fears behind her actions. Using S.E.T when you communicate with her and validating her feelings will help I think.You have made the first step of getting her help through counselling which is a great step forward.I wsih you luck. Hopefully she will shed some light on her own behaviour by talking to the school counsellor.

[Celisara]

js- I'm sorry that you had to go through that with your DD but it is comforting to know that we are not alone in this. Did your DD ever have any legal repercussions for the false rape accusation? That is horrible that her bf was put away for something he didn't do. Have things gotten better with your DD or has she never really gotten help?

[js friend]

Hi Celisara,

Yeh it was a pretty terrible time for me and my other children as they had to go live with my sister until  dd decided to drop the charges.My other 2 children were really cut up over it, cried and didnt sleep for weeks. Even when they returned, they had a lot of  hostility towards dd for ages afterwards. Both times I didnt see it coming so it took me by suprise each time. dd is very quite but very passive aggressive in her behaviours,  so I ddnt see it coming at all.I believe both times it got her what she wanted. she wanted to be out of the house and liked the attention that she got from it so she just did it again and again.

first time I was accused dd was only 10yo... . then did it again when she was  12yo. The incident she did with b/f happened when she was 17yo. 12 yo dd took an overdose(so she said) so had to see a mental health p then, but wouldnt speak at all... . so case was closed. At 14-16 i found a t attached to a mental health dept who  saw a t who just thought that dd was trying to assert her indepence and i was being too overbearing!.oh and between that time there wa the time when she accused a work colleague of sexual assault... . got b/f involved and made a big deal that she wanted him fired but never followed it up.so when dd made her latest  claim I was hopeful that it was all recorded somewhere and dd would get the  help she needed, but the police said that it would be at the discretion of the judge,and because it never got as far as court  nothing ever came of it. I honestly do think it should be mandatory that these serial accusers recieve some court ordered mental health treatment, because often they just go back into society and they get angry at someone and just do it again.

So anyway B/f has his own abandonment issues and all he wanted to do was see dd when he was locked up.and they got back together shortly after the charges were dropped(work that one out if you can ) I think I was more upset for him than he was and they got back together shortly afterward he was released  and they now have a child (gd) together concieved AFTER this false accusation... . so in the terms of consequences to her false accusations no i dont think dd has ever had any consequences of her behaviour, I know that she  really loves b/f and maybe if b/f had left her that would have been the consequence she needed to stop making these false accusations,and change her behaviour, but as he isnt going anywhere I think I can expect it to happen again.

But have things gotten better between us... . I would say yes communicate wise things have definatley improved with the skills i have learnt from these boards. The main one I have seen improvement with is using validation. It can feel like pulling teeth at first, and a bit ingenuous, but the more you read about BPD the more you will be able to understand the intense feelings that drive their behaviour to do the things they do. Im not angry at my dd anymore. She is ill and I have accepted it. What I want is to get her the help she needs like you do for your dd.

I also think that my dd has matured just a little bit over the last year so that she can often listen to another point of view without going ballistic all the time like she used to and enough that she can be sometimes talked out of making bad choices. I also have to say that gd has been her saving in many ways. At her worse dd wouldnt even share details about anything she did on a daily basis. days would go by when she lived at home that she wouldnt even speak to anyone at home... so yeh thats been a big improvement.

Ages 14-17 yo were the worst years of my life trying to parent dd. Sometimes i cant even believe we all lived through what was an absolute nightmare.Now dd says that if she had the chance she would have never left home... . so she has moments of reflection and sees that it wasnt all bad. But I would say just try to take each day as it comes with your dd. Keep looking after yourselves which is very important and try not get consumed with it all. Also try not to take what your dd says and does personally.My dd is ill and impulsive and I know that it is often her illness drives alot of her behaviour. I also really do think that when the hormones really kick in for pwBPD they make the teenage years more intense for pwBPD.

Its tough but hang on in there Celisara. We here all understand. 

[Celisara]

Wow, I can't believe that he went back to your DD after all of that. I guess as long as they are happy together and are able to be there for their child then that is what matters. I'm glad to hear that your relationship with her has improved, it does give me a bit of hope for my SD and myself one day.

I've come to realize that I will just have to come to terms with the fact that she is who she is and that there are parts of her personality (the lying and manipulating) that may never go away. I think I have to just accept that and try to find a way to cope with it being a part of how we interact with each other.