Living in the past

[Depression = 72% of members]

For me, the worst was when i brought up on the day of discard in round 2, the actual "splitting" of her personality, that i witnessed in person on my final few last days in her house, that was exhibited as 2 distinct personalities, within a space of 10 minutes. My exUBPDgf refused to acknowledge any of what i saw(the memory of which has really jarred me to this day) and simply said "Ironmanfalls, i didnt even look at you." She actually couldnt/wouldnt/didnt want to even admit to me that her personality literally splitting, happened. It was a horrible experience(i described it in an earlier thread/post of mine on here) that i do not even know how to properly process in my mind, still. Months later, it still haunts me.

[Ironmanrises]

For me, the worst was when i brought up on the day of discard in round 2, the actual "splitting" of her personality, that i witnessed in person on my final few last days in her house, that was exhibited as 2 distinct personalities, within a space of 10 minutes. My exUBPDgf refused to acknowledge any of what i saw(the memory of which has really jarred me to this day) and simply said "Ironmanfalls, i didnt even look at you." She actually couldnt/wouldnt/didnt want to even admit to me that her personality literally splitting, happened. It was a horrible experience(i described it in an earlier thread/post of mine on here) that i do not even know how to properly process in my mind, still. Months later, it still haunts me.

[State85]

Earth angel

I think I would rather be physically abused, which I was,than be spit on. She did that on numerous occasions.

Degrading to say the least... .

I have no words for it. It's bad enough if it is just on your body, but every time in the face...

Speechless

[overwhelmedandconfused]

I am posting here because I just escaped a seven year hell with my BPDH. He recently attacked me physically for the LAST TIME. I have been the subject of his verbal torment which if it doesn't work, turns to control, when that fails ecomes physical blocking me from doorways and puting me in choke holds, ect. This last time he was behind me holding my arms behind my back and forgetting how long my arms are wasent prepared for the pain that ensued to his manhood. He let go only to punch me in the throat and put me back in a hold demanding that I ask "nicely" to be let go. I walked as soon as I was able to and he followed me driving down the wrong side of the street yelling obscenities at me and demanding that I get in the car with him totally out of control. When that didnt work he pulled into every driveway along the path forcing me to try going around the car, he kept putting it in forward and reversein an attempt to hit me several times and almost succeeded 4. Finally he pulled into the wrong driveway and a good samaritan noticed what was going on and asked me into her home. She called the police and upon their response to my home where H had returned observed him loading a gun. I have a protection order and had already set boundaries that if the behavior continued I would be done. The protection order has tremendously helped with that and I am happier now than  have been in years. Allowed to talk to my family about all the abuse that was suffered at his hands and enabling me to process it fully. I feel that NC is definately the way to go, especially if you are contiinually drawn in and they continue to use whatever transgressions (real or perceived against you). I am loving life again and have reconnected to myself. I just can't wait to get into court and have a judge hear my side since he claimed it was all verbal and that I was fleeing the state because of a "verbal disagreement". The judge granted him temporary sole custody, which is impossible because of the protection order covering our child as well, so his parents get to make all the decisions regarding her. I haven't even been able to tell my child goodnight in a week. It is tough but has just strengthened my resolve to leave remain as NC as possible and apply the principle of HEAL THYSELF. I love the prospect and FREEDOM of my new life, just have to put some things on hold to wait for my precious baby. One that he didnt want in the first place. DSS worker at my home yesterday said family court realized they have made a mistake and that as long as nothing comes out completely damning for me (which there wont) I will be the one with full custody.

If you choose to get out, stay out, realize that their problems have no bearing upon you and that you can be happy without them and responding to their BS. I am just sad it took me seven years of wasted life to realize this. I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN RESIDENCY if not for his ever incompassing needs that sapped the life, drive, and determination from me. However, I have my power back and he and his family's actions have shown me that they will continue to condone, accept and bail him out from messes. This has just made me more steadfast in leaving and more determined in the fight.

[State85]

Overwhelmedandconfused... .I am so sorry. You are among friends. We've all been through some crap, you obviously more than others. We're here for ya... .

[overwhelmedandconfused]

State,

I really appreciate your kind words. Beyond my BPD family, I have advocates in the community with resources I had never imagined and law enforcement, criminal courts, and even my daughters law guardian are completely confused by what was allowed to tanspire. All they are doing is making me stronger.  have been a fighter all my life and have managed against all odds to graduate from an Ivy League school despite being a high school drop out and life has never been easy. I do some of my best work when facing challenges such as this. Any obstacle in my way must be destoyed is my mentality. So getting away from him and having to fight for my kiddo has awoken a fierce dragon and I am stringer for it. Just saying it empowers me further.

But again thanks for reaching out and offering those kind words it only helps to bolster me furhter.

[free-n-clear]

   Didn't take long once I'd made the break to see how utterly pointless it had been trying to talk with my uBPDxgf about ANY of the nasty stuff she'd said & done. Denials, justifications (ie; it was all my fault, didn't I know) and ridiculous lies that she had to KNOW I knew were just lies were her standard response. I highly recommend a song by Passenger as therapy - Life's for the Living. Merry Christmas to all from Down Under.  

[love4meNOTu]

It's beyond pointless to try to get them to acknowledge that they've hurt you and others.

I've done this, even recently, only to be met with "karmas a bit&h".

Yes it is, and you will see. When your next victim bails on you too.

Lyn

[Kadee]

I kept my anger as long as I needed it to keep me from returning to the abuse. And still, I can't say that I'm never angry. I feel like I've just turned the corner on having more days not angry than angry. For example, I woke up this morning to an email stating some untruths, and I was able to just roll over and fluff up my pillow. I didn't respond and was able to tell myself that I know the truth and nothing I can say will change him, so it's a waste of time trying. Maybe that's called acceptance, I don't think I've been here long enough to name it.

So, I was trying to say that even Jesus was recorded in the Bible as being angry. God gave us all our emotions, each one has a God given purpose. I used anger to keep myself safe.

And I believe forgiveness is more for the forgiver than the forgiven. In fact, the forgiven doesn't even necessarily need to know they've been forgiven. In my case, he doesn't even realize he needs to be forgiven (considering he is ALWAYS right, hahaha).

Just be aware of your anger, lest it becomes bitterness and settles itself in your heart. You deserve more that.

[goldylamont]

You guys, I really appreciate your input but please... .

I have tried very very hard to get to the anger stage. I have been stuck in sad for months and months, and was clinically depressed.

I have been angry for two days. Two whole days.

Please let me stay here for awhile, I can finally breathe again and imagine living life without him.

please understand... .

love4meNOTu, stay with your anger for as long as you need to. especially when it feels good for you. your anger is there for a reason and your anger is part of your healing. you don't have to feel guilty about this and i support you 100%. stay with the anger as long as you need to. use it to form a protective shield so that you never go back, never believe the lies again. and also this protective shell that anger provides gives you a safe space to recreate your damaged self. this is why your angry--your body is protecting itself.

i believe others in later stages of recovery, although well meaning, often make the mistake of talking about forgiveness/compassion, etc. and trying to push this onto someone at the wrong time. this is just my opinion, but i think this does more harm than good. there was another post about forgiveness where we were discussing this and lots of good input from people. it is my opinion that anger/hatred and forgiveness are *not* opposing forces

but love4meNOTu maybe this quote will help. you should know that your anger is a vital part of your healing, it's not something you want to push away or fake away so i think your intuition is in the right place. stay there as long as you need--just try not to break anything valuable and take care of yourself 

If you know that anger resets boundaries and restores that which has been broken, you’ll completely understand the need for rage, fury, and hatred in people whose boundaries have been brutalized. You’ll see the deep logic of the presenting emotions and the intrinsic wholeness of the submerged person who is fighting to resurface with their powerful assistance. When you understand the healing and restorative powers of the emotions, you’ll welcome them in whatever form they choose. You won’t demonize this one, repress that one, or glorify this other one over here—and you won’t allow forgiveness to loom above any of them. You’ll understand that forgiveness is the end result of a deeply emotive process of coming back from the devastation of trauma and betrayal and into strength once again. You’ll understand anger’s profound connection to real forgiveness, and you’ll understand the true definition of mercy: mercy can only arise from a position of strength that gives you the ability to harm, tempered by the ability to control your impulses and choose not to. That’s the gift your properly channeled angers bestow upon you; they make you an honorable protector, not just of yourself, but of others. When you can channel your rages and hatreds into strong boundaries and use their intensities to absolutely obliterate your contracts with your traumatizer, you’ll be able to achieve clear and authoritative separations. Your traumatizer will no longer haunt you because you’ll have retrieved your strength and your instincts.

When I finally dove into this true forgiveness process, I was able to use my rage and hatred to destroy the nightmares and whisperings that taunted me, I was able to ground out the shadows of touch and revulsion from within my body, and I was finally able to clear the interference from my soul... .

McLaren, Karla (2010-06-01). The Language of Emotions (p. 233). Sounds True. Kindle Edition.

[love4meNOTu]

Thank you for this Goldy.

It has taken me so long to feel anger. All my life I have been disgusted by anger. And my ex husband's behavior disgusted me. He was always so very angry, but could not even admit that that was what he was feeling. Ugh. HE was so disconnected to every emotion inside of him. It's bewildering.

This time, anger is appropriate. And it is serving me, for now.

Lyn

[State85]

Love4menotu

I don't believe in anger, but I use it to bring things back into perspective. STAY STRONG

[InRepair_2013]

Forgiveness is for us. Not for them. The anger we carry with us does nothing to them, but can destroy us. I pray daily to reach a place of true forgiveness, because only then can I completely let go of this nightmare.

[maxen]

many situations mentioned above happened also to me, identical phrases even. i want to comment on one:

Denials, justifications (ie; it was all my fault, didn't I know) and ridiculous lies that she had to KNOW I knew were just lies

i know that my w has told her emotional truth about me (viz, lied) to family and friends to justify her deceit and departure. however, she has also tried to tell me to my face things that i know are lies because i was there when they happened (viz, didn't happen). i am beating myself to a pulp trying to comprehend that she blew up our life on the basis of things that she has to know, in some corner of her mind, are untrue. crikey but BPD is a monster.

[free-n-clear]

   Maxen, don't beat yourself up over her irrational, obvious lies. It must be a common BPD coping mechanism, just like the shouting over the top of you when you're making a valid, truthful point in a debate/argument that you no doubt lost (or walked away from). It's just something we have to take on as experience that will help us to steer clear of any pwBPD in future. Best wishes for Christmas & the new year.   

[maxen]

   cheers free'n'clear