This is so hard

[LetMEgoPLS]

My STBXbf uBPD / father of my children lives with me & refuses to go. I try my best to minimize the fighting, yet want to remain firm in the fact that I'm no longer interested in a romantic relationship with him.

Everyday, he says, "love you" and I do not respond. The words are so meaningless to me at this point, because the truth is that he is not capable of a loving, romantic R/S. Sometimes, I get annoyed and tell him to stop, which provokes an angry reaction.

Tonight he's at work & starting the crap over text. "Mwah xoxo" - I reply with "pls stop" and of course that makes him mad.

He's frequently asking for sex, which I refuse, and it's been ages (can't remember when -- maybe Oct, but that's doubtful).

To help me remember who he really is, I check his text msg log to confirm that he's continuing an inappropriate relationship with a coworker, which hurts but helps me to keep my resolve.

He's relentless in trying to reel me back in & it's exhausting to be constantly being on the defense. Leaving any relationship is hard enough, but having to be constantly fighting your way out makes it exponentially worse.

Despite all he's put me through, I hate to admit it, but I do love him. I don't know why, but I do and it makes me angry. I've made the decision to love myself more and I long for the day when I'll finally be free from the madness and constant pain that he's caused me.

[letmeout]

It sounds like you are describing my ex! I had to fight my way out too, I remember that it only kept getting worse.  Finally one day I fled, running for my life and my sanity. I don't think I would have ever gotten him to leave our house, he was determined to keep making me miserable.  My nightmare is finally over; I hope you find your way out of yours.

[love4meNOTu]

Oh wow... .ok I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Here's how I handled it.

I became completely boring, refused to argue, refused to speak except for pleasantries. I was too afraid he would start raging and perhaps this time, actually hit me.

So when he tried to engage... .I left the room. I blocked his phone number so he could not text me. I worked longer hours on the days when I knew I would be left at home alone with him. I even went into work on the weekends.

In the end though, he began to rage at me again. I could not take it, and it was in front of my children. I called the police.

He left one week later. We divorced four months later. During the four months, I did not speak to him once. I did send two emails, but he never responded. We were never able to talk like two adults, it would have been more of him raging at me and shaking his finger in my face that I should do what I'm told.

Ha. Good luck with that in the future dude.

Do I still love him? Yes. Because I did love him. Does he still love me? No, he is engaged to another victim. But his new attachment will be as shallow as the rest, including the one he had with me. He cannot love in the way we do.

My friend, you will love again. In a normal, healthy, non enmeshed way. With the rights to feel how you feel, to express your dreams, wants and concerns without repercussions. It is out there waiting for you. And for me. I know it.

L

[Ironmanrises]

Everyday, he says, "love you" and I do not respond. The words are so meaningless to me at this point, because the truth is that he is not capable of a loving, romantic R/S. Sometimes, I get annoyed and tell him to stop, which provokes an angry reaction.

I am really sorry you are experiencing that. It is hurtful beyond measure. The contradiction of it. Cruel. Unjust. It reminds of some of the lyrics from a song by Ashanti, "Never should have".

"Rivers of tear drops

These sharp pains in my heart

If this was the way that you loved

You never should have loved me"

I think this sums up quite powerfully and painfully and everything in between, what we experience in these relationships. Hang in there. Know that we know how you feel.