I finally stood up for myself. I'm done. It's over.

[Aw511]

Well after a mostly horrible 3 month relationship and a 3 month break up, I sent a final text. This is for real. There is nothing left in me. I have no desire to be "friends" with him. He treats me like garbage, tells me he loves me and misses me when he feels like it then acts like it never happened, falsely accuses me of everything under the sun meanwhile taking no responsibility for his own actions which are far worse than anything I've ever done, nevermind to him. In short, after a text battle (for once I actually fought back) which lasted basically all day, I finally sent him a text telling him how self-centered he is, how he has been taking advantage of me since the day that I have met him, how he constantly undermines my feelings, disrespects my feelings and privacy regularly, has zero ability to take responsibility for anything, is completely emotionally immature, etc etc etc. Ended by saying that I am kind, loving, trustworthy and loyal, and the only mistake I ever made was forgiving him for completely betraying me (cheating, for which I never even received a real apology or explanation) and for caring about someone who does not deserve me in his life and that I am done. I finally got angry and ya know what, it feels GOOD. I then blocked his number immediately to shield myself from his retaliation. Amazingly, I received a voicemail about an hour after sending (blocked numbers can still leave messages on iphones, weird) and he sounded wounded, asking me to please contact him and that this isn't how things should be between us, and that he's not going to talk to my voicemail about how much he cares about me. It was shocking honestly, but I am sure it was just a ploy to get me to reach back out to him... .which i never did. and don't plan to. I feel free... .and less broken than I have since the day we started dating. SO GRATEFUL.

[Learning_curve74]

Good for you, Aw511! 

Congrats on taking that step to take care of yourself and to love yourself enough to give yourself the respect you deserve. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you!  And consider yourself fortunate that he cycled through the phases of the disorder quickly, so your pain was months instead of years.

His whiny attempts to contact you now are an example of the push/pull nature of the disorder, otherwise known as chaos to those without it; he's feeling abandoned now, probably panicking, and will chase you until he gets tired and gets the hint, an extinction burst.

Enjoy the buzz and hopefully he gets the hint quickly.  Mine continued to send me emails and leave voice mails for months after, and in moments of weakness I did read a few of the emails but didn't respond; since I'd learned a little about BPD by then they were transparent, and just confirmed my decision since they were ridiculous.

Take care of you!

[Aw511]

Yes, it was VERY fast.  Probably two weeks in were some serious red flag stuff, not quite enough to call it off but enough to raise some serious questions and make my stomach unsettled. Within weeks after that he was acting like a full-on lunatic, picking fights, threatening suicide when I would leave in the middle of the night refusing to fight back... .My head spins just thinking about it! It is so amazing to me that some people can go for years without seeing any of the behaviors whereas in my case it was triggered almost immediately. Since he has never had a relationship longer than a year (and even those consisted of multiple breakups in between) I assume the quickness of it is a pattern for him. If nothing else, the experience made me stronger and gave me a serious lesson in psychology which will do more good for me than my stupid bachelors degree!

[Bulgakov]

I wish I could give you a high-five. I should have done this 6 years ago. You are a bigger person than I.

[Turkish]

Yes, it was VERY fast.  Probably two weeks in were some serious red flag stuff, not quite enough to call it off but enough to raise some serious questions and make my stomach unsettled. Within weeks after that he was acting like a full-on lunatic, picking fights, threatening suicide when I would leave in the middle of the night refusing to fight back... .My head spins just thinking about it! It is so amazing to me that some people can go for years without seeing any of the behaviors whereas in my case it was triggered almost immediately.

The BPD behaviors manifest themselves as a spectrum, some being worse, others being quite high functioning. We nons, while possibly having similar personalities (especially those of us who stuck it out through many insane behaviors), lie on a spectrum as well.

Since he has never had a relationship longer than a year (and even those consisted of multiple breakups in between) I assume the quickness of it is a pattern for him. If nothing else, the experience made me stronger and gave me a serious lesson in psychology which will do more good for me than my stupid bachelors degree!

I feel like I'll have the Ph.D and multiple post-docs in BPD after all is said and done with mine, which will be pretty much until the day I kick the bucket since she and I have kids. Online education course... .with labs being conducted every day when we awake.

Maybe some of us should start BPDSI (BPD Surviviors International), .

[santa]

Once you stand up for yourself, they split you black... .and there's no coming back from that.

You are extremely lucky that your relationship was only 3 months. Run away, far and fast, and don't look back.

[santa]

Yes, it was VERY fast.  Probably two weeks in were some serious red flag stuff, not quite enough to call it off but enough to raise some serious questions and make my stomach unsettled. Within weeks after that he was acting like a full-on lunatic, picking fights, threatening suicide when I would leave in the middle of the night refusing to fight back... .My head spins just thinking about it! It is so amazing to me that some people can go for years without seeing any of the behaviors whereas in my case it was triggered almost immediately.

The BPD behaviors manifest themselves as a spectrum, some being worse, others being quite high functioning. We nons, while possibly having similar personalities (especially those of us who stuck it out through many insane behaviors), lie on a spectrum as well.

Since he has never had a relationship longer than a year (and even those consisted of multiple breakups in between) I assume the quickness of it is a pattern for him. If nothing else, the experience made me stronger and gave me a serious lesson in psychology which will do more good for me than my stupid bachelors degree!

I feel like I'll have the Ph.D and multiple post-docs in BPD after all is said and done with mine, which will be pretty much until the day I kick the bucket since she and I have kids. Online education course... .with labs being conducted every day when we awake.

Maybe some of us should start BPDSI (BPD Surviviors International), .

I'm in, Turkish, Lol

I too have a child with the BPD ex and am stuck for life.

[damage control]

Hi AW

Good fo ryou and congrats on the anger - it feels good no?

Mine exhibited red flag behaviour early on but they were subtle flags - everything he does is subtle and designed to erode boundaries as resistance slowly, over time  ... so, I can relate to the ignoring of the flags - but I assume everyone here is similarly 'guilty' of this or we wouldn't be here right?

As someone who is recently out of a split and who has recently realised what a dysfunctional situation she was in and who has just, this past week finally become angry (I had moments, just moments of anger previous to this) ... .I have two bits of advice to offer - which may or may not apply to you:

1) The anger fades and it becomes more difficult to use that indignant rage to keep yourself ignoring/not contacting ... .you need to be willing to do these things even when the desire to contact/be with him kicks back in again (and it more than likely will) because, as a non, you won't be angry forever.

2) - And this is related to #1: The push/pull can be addictive. When he stops trying to pull you back in (when he finds a new toy/victim or something else that is shiny and grabs his attention) you will probably feel a pang - ego, addiction ... .abandonment fears of your own kicking in etc ... .and this is the real challenge I think. Understanding what is happening and recognising that your 'withdrawal' of this toxic dynamic is not about him, nor can he fix it long-term ... .it feels like they are the only person in the world who can quell the pain but this is your own fear panicking ... .be prepared for it.

These things may not happen to you, but I think many here (I am going through these things right now) find these to be challenging and they make it hard to STAY AWAY ... .coming here and writing. exploding, talking and trying to make sense of what is happening helped and is helping me enormously ... .batten down for the storm that may be coming.

Good luck.

[santa]

Hi AW

Good fo ryou and congrats on the anger - it feels good no?

Mine exhibited red flag behaviour early on but they were subtle flags - everything he does is subtle and designed to erode boundaries as resistance slowly, over time  ... so, I can relate to the ignoring of the flags - but I assume everyone here is similarly 'guilty' of this or we wouldn't be here right?

As someone who is recently out of a split and who has recently realised what a dysfunctional situation she was in and who has just, this past week finally become angry (I had moments, just moments of anger previous to this) ... .I have two bits of advice to offer - which may or may not apply to you:

1) The anger fades and it becomes more difficult to use that indignant rage to keep yourself ignoring/not contacting ... .you need to be willing to do these things even when the desire to contact/be with him kicks back in again (and it more than likely will) because, as a non, you won't be angry forever.

2) - And this is related to #1: The push/pull can be addictive. When he stops trying to pull you back in (when he finds a new toy/victim or something else that is shiny and grabs his attention) you will probably feel a pang - ego, addiction ... .abandonment fears of your own kicking in etc ... .and this is the real challenge I think. Understanding what is happening and recognising that your 'withdrawal' of this toxic dynamic is not about him, nor can he fix it long-term ... .it feels like they are the only person in the world who can quell the pain but this is your own fear panicking ... .be prepared for it.

These things may not happen to you, but I think many here (I am going through these things right now) find these to be challenging and they make it hard to STAY AWAY ... .coming here and writing. exploding, talking and trying to make sense of what is happening helped and is helping me enormously ... .batten down for the storm that may be coming.

Good luck.

I was coming off a split of a 5 year relationship when I met my BPD ex. I'd been single for about 4 months, but I think my own vulnerability led me to ignore a lot of red flags. I really wanted it to work out. Lol

Now I'm four months out of the 4 year BPD relationship. Hoping some crazy doesn't prey on me.  

[Aw511]

Thank you all for your posts. The anger does feel good, for now. He has painted me black after a couple attempts to go NC but he still came back, so I am prepared for more contact. And great advice damagecontrol :-) Luckily for me, after the break up, I decided to follow a dream which involves me moving 2,000 miles away in 3 short weeks, not to say the madness can't happen from afar, but hopefully I will be distracted by my new surroundings to leave it behind. This board has been a complete lifesaver for me through this. I appreciate you all moe than you know.

[Aw511]

Santa- I too was vulnerable when he came around, but if I'm completely honest, ignoring red flags is kinda my thing :/ work in progress maybe this will be enough for me to learn for next time. (Hopefully there won't be a next time!)

[damage control]

Santa ... hindsight is 20/20 right? ... It's sad that cliches have become my mantras ... ugh ...

AW ... distance will help I'm sure but the crazy can certainly continue at a distance ... sometimes it's worse because both parties feel 'safer' knowing there is a physical distance - again, I speak with experience here.

You sound strong ... .good for you

[Aw511]

Very very true damagecontrol. I actually witnessed him engaging his ex prior to and during our relationship who had moved 3,000 miles away. He would talk about how she was still in love with him and how she would always ask if she could move back and talked about her like she was an old friend and he kind of felt sorry for her. (I'm suuuuure he had nothing to do with that! Ha!) I actually knew her and she seemed pretty normal so I was surprised, but now I get it... .Anyone can be drawn into the madness... .But actually, what has helped me, is referencing that situation and continually reminding myself that I WILL NOT BECOME THE 3RD PARTY that he is texting, regardless of where I live, while he is dating someone else especially not years after it ends. I remind myself because I know his capabilities and can see myself falling for it... . 

[fromheeltoheal]

The BPD behaviors manifest themselves as a spectrum, some being worse, others being quite high functioning. We nons, while possibly having similar personalities (especially those of us who stuck it out through many insane behaviors), lie on a spectrum as well.

Yep, I agree Turkish.  I got lost in the relationship, fortunately things got so painful that I bailed, but once I was out, first the massive sense of relief, and then, thinking back to all the things I put up with: What the hell did I do?  Why did I put up with that for as long as I did?  In hindsight I should have walked away on day 1, but noo, I can love this girl out of her pain.  Ha!  Granted I was in a relationship with a person with a serious mental illness which she hid very well to begin with, so I'll cut myself a little slack, but the resulting growth opportunities have been the true gift of the relationship.  Not only never, ever again, but why did I go there in the first place?  What's wrong with me is a bad question, but the whole thing has been very shocking and sobering and I got work to do.  The best kind of work.

[MammaMia]

Aw

The best thing to do is walk away and never look back.  Stay NC.

A new future awaits you and a new opportunity to be happy. It will be whatever you make it.

Take care and be well.

[Turkish]

The BPD behaviors manifest themselves as a spectrum, some being worse, others being quite high functioning. We nons, while possibly having similar personalities (especially those of us who stuck it out through many insane behaviors), lie on a spectrum as well.

Yep, I agree Turkish.  I got lost in the relationship, fortunately things got so painful that I bailed, but once I was out, first the massive sense of relief, and then, thinking back to all the things I put up with: What the hell did I do?  Why did I put up with that for as long as I did?  In hindsight I should have walked away on day 1, but noo, I can love this girl out of her pain.  Ha!  Granted I was in a relationship with a person with a serious mental illness which she hid very well to begin with, so I'll cut myself a little slack, but the resulting growth opportunities have been the true gift of the relationship.  Not only never, ever again, but why did I go there in the first place?  What's wrong with me is a bad question, but the whole thing has been very shocking and sobering and I got work to do.  The best kind of work.

I still feel this underlying desire to go rescue a "waif" even now. Ugh... .my mom just told me her neighbor found out her h had been conducting and affair for the past 5 years, served her with d papers three months ago. Neighbor is living alone... .my desire to go "rescue" has been activated! I know the woman, though don't necessarily like her all that much because she's a little off (not much, but a little). Oops, there goes my rescue gene again, I can make it all better!

Someone slap me. Thank God I have little kids on which I need to focus. My responsibility towards them will hopefully keep me from doing something stupid.

[damage control]

Turkish:

If you really feel the need to rescue ... I'm in dire need of a white knight ... ...

[Turkish]

Turkish:

If you really feel the need to rescue ... I'm in dire need of a white knight ... ...

I feel more like the horse at the moment... .:^)

[damage control]

I feel like the troll that the knight has to vanquish in order to get to the princess in the tower ... .