I don't like them and I don't want to help anymore

[anncgrl]

One more time. One more event. One more moment of realization. One more period of enmeshment deep enough to throw me into a pit of disappointment and cynicism. One more visit with a therpist, talk with a mentor, reading a post here or talking with a friend. It is a macabre dance I dance from time to time. Following steps I have stepped over and over again. Twirling to the music of the denial in my head, listening to the BPDs in my life as their voices blend with the music. Round and round. Gathering speed until the dance becomes a frenzy of swirls and I glimpse madness in the swirls and I let go and am flung away from the dance gasping for breath and emotionally drained. My head clears. I can hear the voice of my therapist. I can see the insanity my enmeshment. I can see that I have once again invited myself to a party thinking I can handle the insanity and the shocking truth that the BPD's in this party can see me and hear me but they don't feel me at all. The words "I chose" echo in my mind. I chose to help with rent. I chose to pay for car repairs. I chose to have a conversation that would evolve quietly in the background into an event. I chose to participate with people who don't feel me. I have a childlike quality that cannot grasp that truth. My intellect knows it. My bruised heart and mind feel the effects but I cannot grasp it. I picked myself up again. Heard the truth from those outside of my world who can see the truth. Began another greiving process... .not so bad or deep this time. Wondered where on earth my own sense of self preservation dwells inside me and purposed to make another choice next time. I made a plan with my therapist's help and I am beginning to fully grasp that I cannot change one single thing except myself. I love my son. I have no love for his fiance other than the basic love of life that flows in another. But I don't like them and I don't want to help anymore. I don't want to perpetuate this lisfestyle they are choosing. I don't want to be disappointed in myself for selling myself out again. This is God's business. A friend said to me today that no one is doing anything to me. I am hurting myself. I stare at the problems, I fear for my son and I analyze and analyze and hurt and cry and it is all a kind of mental (excuse the word) agonizing masturbation. No one else is there with me. I am told that I am perpetuating the problem, I am actively creating an environment for it to flourish as I work to control the results with money, denial, all the stuff we do to put off what we fear the most as parents. Yet the only true hope for us is for me to quit and for them to live as they choose for better or for worse. Obsession is a cruel mistress. I have been obsessed and it crept up on me gently without a sound until I was dancing and spinning in the BPD world.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello anncgrl,

I can hear the pain in your post... . 

There are two parts to what you are saying, though. It is not just you hurting yourself. It is also the painful reality of what is - who your son is and who he chose to live with. Some of our losses in life, that need to be grieved, are not self-inflicted. Be gentle with yourself dear, ok?

What can you do to help yourself feel better in all this? What is it you like to do to relax that makes you happy?

The other part is painful too, and you are courageous in looking at it - what you describe I think, is enabling.

This link might help:SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling?

The fact that you have a therapist to help you navigate this is really good.

It will get better with time. You can figure this out and get into a better pattern... .

[Bracken]

Hi

I understand how you feel. I think a lot of us get "enmeshed" with our kids. I am sure that I would fit such labels as "co-dependant" and "enabling". People (including a counsellor I saw for over a year) tend to say: ":)etach" - ":)on't engage" - "Let her fall on her face - that's the only way she will learn."

But - my heart tells me "NO! This is not a kid who will benefit from Tough Love. It will destroy her. Or more accurately, it will allow her to destroy herself."

Take care -

[pessim-optimist]

You raise a good point Bracken:

Tough love does not work too well with persons w/BPD. They need a bit of a different approach. They need a whole lot more empathy, understanding and validation.

Tough love has too much of a punitive feel for persons w/BPD, they feel rejected and punished, and they fight it but do not learn from those experiences.

There is another approach though, that LOOKS very similar, but is different. It is the force of the natural consequences. If we do not step in to protect our children from the natural consequences of their actions, but validate their painful experience instead AND support them emotionally when they are trying to work through those consequences, that's when they have a chance to learn new, more independent and responsible behaviors.

[qcarolr]

This is hard to balance for me with my BPDDD27 -- has been for so long. I was extremely enabling with her for so long. Just could not stand to allow her to be in her own pain sometimes; other times couldn't stand to be connected to her at all. This inconsistency was one of the most ineffective pareinting behaviors I struggle with. And things are getting better in my actions with her.

I have gained so much in doing the tools listed in the right sidebar. They really have shifted my focus so I can stay connected and maintain my values with boundaries at the same time. And be kind to myself when I slip up.

When my DD was in an abyss of distress last summer, I helped her access crisis help and tried to step back and encourage her to ask for what she needed. In her case she ended up in jail for harrassment (bad breakup wtih bf), and I had to let her stay - bail too high. So that gave me support to untangle from her consequences. She had to ask for help with her needs -- and she participated in programs offered.

We also found resources to help her with housing while the probation program pursues assistance for her. She has to stay in the program for this to work out. She cannot be in our home. Living homeless takes all her energy and resources to survive - there is nothing left in her to work on any other needs or treatment.

I encourage you to keep coming back to share you story with us. Try out the workshops and tools - the process of taking care of our personal needs, understanding what our limits and values are, and boundaries to protect them. This process has guided me in what things I can do for my DD, and what things I need to accept and step away from.  It is hard work, but worth it. Things do get better overall.

qcr

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi anncgrl,



What an eloquent way to express so much pain!  It is so hard to watch our BPD kids throw away so much potential.  We do the dance with them.  To and fro and hopefully we get better each time.  I'm so glad to hear you are working with a therapist and trying to figure out how much you can give.  I'm sure you've heard of boundaries.  How much thought have you really given to it?  It does sound like you really are so enmeshed with your ds and his wife that you've lost yourself a bit. 

My unsolicited advice: Step back from them a bit.  You don't even need to stop supporting them financially.  Just send them a check and stay out of their little mess until you figure things out for yourself.  What do you want to give them?  Do you want to continue supporting them?  Do you want to say... .Kids, I love you so very much but you two are married and need to be supporting yourselves.  You have x amount of time to pull yourselves together, get jobs and live in such a way that you can support yourselves.  Then, what do you expect from them?  How can you act in such a way that shows you love them but not tolerate the intolerable?  It's definitely not an overnight process.  It takes time.  When you are learning what you can give and what you expect you will really get to know yourself. 

Congratulations for taking that first step in recognizing that what you are doing isn't working for you.  It's really not your fault.  I hope that you learn to move away from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and towards skills that are much more effective.   


Keep posting!  This site has really given me the skills and the courage to examine myself and figure out how best to respond to such a devastating situation.

-crazed

[anncgrl]

Crazedncrazymom, you must have been in the office listening to my therapist work with me. She also suggested that setting boundaries did not mean I had to stop helping them. Due to the individual details of this particular situation the choice I made was that I will talk with them and tell them that, to the best of my ability, I will cover their rent for the next three months. At the end of three months I will stop paying their rent. I will not say this to them but I will, of course, help from time to time IF they are working to help themselves. Bottom line is that I am preventing natural consequences to occur in their lives at this point and creating significant financial stress in my own world and I am definitely experiencing the natural consequences.

I also like the idea of stepping back. They live across the street from me. I can limit my interactions with them to things involving my grandson and not with a spirit of anger or withdrawal of affection. I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous with nearly 30 years sobriety. I have not been attending meetings due to work and health reasons. I am going to begin attending meetings on a regular basis. Some of my reactions and responses would have definitely been different were I attending meetings and sharing in them.

This is incredibly painful. My son and I love each other very much. He has been from girlfriend to girlfriend and he is a Jekyll and hyde with them. I have detached with love a number of times only to find myself back in that crazy maker attachment. He has a girlfriend now who seems to be the perfect mate for escalating all of his BPD traits to the top. The two of them are made for each other but in an incredibly negative way. It is them against the world and nothing is what it use to be with my son. But I am clear now that there is absolutely nothing I can do or should do to change their world. I can be a loving grandmother to my grandson and I can be kind and loving in my interactions with my son AND I can stop enabling with love and good intent.

These choices sound freeing. They are freeing. Yet, as I write this, I know that BPDs are never satisfied unless they are in some way pulling you into their drama. I know a simple sentence such as, "Hope you plans for the week-end work out and you have fun" can turn into "Why wouldn't they work out?" "They will work out if other people don't try to mess them up." "I don't see how they can work out when we don't have any money. Everyone else has money but we don't because (fill in the blank)"

I will use this site and the literature provided to help me help myself and to help me let go and allow my son and his girlfriend to be on their own in whatever way they choose it. Any failures will, of course, be my fault! 

[crazedncrazymom]

It's wonderful that your therapist is helping you set boundaries with love.  I think it's helpful to remember that boundaries are not something you do to someone but you set them for yourself so you can maintain your own sanity and health. 

Be careful when you tell them.  They will most likely be very upset.  I know I would be if my gravy train came to the end.  They may lash out at you.  What is your plan in that event?  I think you've learned with just telling them you hope their plans work out that you have to choose your words carefully so that there is no way to read anything bad into them.   For instance, hey kids!  Have fun this weekend!  Love you! Bye Bye!  and RUN 

Please make sure that this is well thought out.  Will you be able to stick to that boundary come hell or high water?  No matter how guilty they try to make you feel?  It's better not to draw that line at all if you are not ready than to draw it and erase it.

Lastly, when you feel all guilty and yucky after you tell them, what is your plan to take care of yourself?  I think it's extremely important that you plan to take some quality time doing something you love.

Good luck!

-crazed 

[Kimmy b123]

I am trying to respond to this post I am new to this so let me see if this works! I feel so much empathy for this disorder it is a very diffucult my d who has been in the hospital 3 times in the last month is now back there this time she took about 60 pills because she tried to break free from a very abusive relationship that she was in but couldnt take the pain  she is taking zoloft and abilify and seems to be worse! I can totally relate to all the post before mine my d is 17 and has a 2 year old d that I am raising I was thing about the comment of how tough love doesnt work people with BPD seem to be in so much pain I wish I could just take it all away 

[jellibeans]

anncgrl

I think you are a poet and didn't know it... .how you explained the feeling we have all had from time to time. That's okay... .brush yourself off and start again... .you have insight into what you need to do... .take care of yourself... .sounds like you have been fighting a battle for a long time... .step back and find some peace and perspective to look at what needs to change. Thank you for your post... .

[anncgrl]

fragile is the word to describe my relationship with my son and his woman. there are no rules to follow and all roads lead to Rome. i have done really well the last few days. it has taken me many years to let a resemblance of detachment grow in me. i am calmer now than i was two weeks ago. i am better off doing each day one step at a time. my husband is rapidly losing his ability to walk and his mental acuity. my mom is 85 and needs my time and attention and i need to take care of me. the Bible talks about a man returning to his old habits being the same as a dog returning to his own vomit. pretty vivid picture. pretty accurate. pretty sure i will relapse at another time temporarily forgetting to keep myself in my own life. Or, maybe not. Maybe i am learning lessons that are settling me down, placing me in reality, teaching me from friends I will never meet that I am o.k. and I can find a path that will love in both directions. at times. for today i am o.k... that is enough for the time being. many years in my life i was not capable of having peace or truly maintaining relationships. i can do that today if i don't join in the game.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

   It takes time, anncgrl, and sometimes it is two steps forward, one step back.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom and your husband.   And you are right - you need to take care of you as well.

[Gidget]

Dear QCarolr

so true I realized I spent 39years of my life protecting my daughter from pain I loved her so much as a parent I shielded her from pain consequences I realized when she was young something was different. I saw the fragile child without a Father. My mother on the other hand made on one hell of a strong person. Pretty hard on me at times. I think that also played a role on why I was like I was with my daughter. Added the fact I was a single parent with an absent Father in the picture. Overcompensated over protected and shielded her from reality. What mistakes we realized we made. I now realize the role I played although it was a role out of love or was it the right kind of love. Think right now I am being hard on myself. I try not to blame myself anymore. At the age of 24 finding my self divorced with a child and an absent father never in her life working 2jobs with a Chronic disease sick all the time. I just gave and gave. Somehow I came out to be the bad guy. Pretty hard to face at the age of 58 that I spent my life making my child the most important person in my life and I seem now to being trying to get thru the abuse as my thanks. Trying to not take it personally as the counselors told me but it is so hard. her father is dead and not seeing the consequences of his role in my daughters pain. Maybe he is watching down from where he is now

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry Gidget; it is a painful process at times... . 

Looking at ourselves and the role we played in our child's life is a very courageous thing to do.

As parents, we love our children and want the best for them, and do the best we can.

Sometimes the best turns out to be not helpful. We did not always know what our child needed.

The good news? Now that we know, we can change our approach going forward.

[Gidget]

Thanks, I was guess in the feel sorry for me mode last night. Had a great day shopping and the night went to pot. My husband and I was out I needed a question answered about a gift for my grandson. I I knew they were home because my granddaughter had just called me from her cell in the house. I then forgot I had a question about a gift. I rang the phone and rang the phone. I tried to think the best. I then used my husband new phone with a new # they did not know and would you believe it my Son-In-Law picked up in 2rings.  I did not expect this from my Son In Law we had and have a good relationship. I was hurt. My daughter has him so bulled by her lies and distortions. She never attacked me in front of him and I never discussed what she did to me to him.

I told him when he answered funny I rang and rang the phone I used the other phone and in 2 rings you picked up. I told him that I am very frustrated by the sick games. I told him there were grandchild here watching this stuff go on and it is not the right thing to show your children this stuff. My granddaughter 12 tells me this goes on by her Mother. I proceeded to ask my question about the gift and then told him maybe I should have done the same thing to them every time my phone rang because they needed a babysitter instead of running to my daughter each and everytime she called I should have let the phone ring.

He tried to make an excuse the caller ID is broke couldn't find the phone what he doesn't realize he just told me it was a new phone the sound of his voice said it all he got caught.

I watched those children for 5 years for them lost numerous amounts of money not working when I needed to work so my daughter could work and not have to pay for daycare. This is what I get.

In her last fit of rage on me she accused me of watching her children for my own selfish reasons. I actually feel she was jealous of my relationship with the kids. Her attacks on me seemed to get worse after she had children there was a period of calmness when she feel in love and got married.

How could I have been such a rotten mother when she entrusted her children with me from the age of 6months old left a 8week old with me and a 2year old while her and her husband went to a wedding in the Bahama's.

I wouldn't leave my children with someone I thought was so abusive. My daughter was never hit in her life never screamed in her life never called a jerk in her life.

SHE WAS CODDELED  She proceeded to tell me that that was my fault if I coddled her go figure She tells people I was rotten I tell her she was not abused but coddeled why didn't she look me in the face that day and tell me YES I WAS ABUSED. SHE COULDN'T BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.