I slipped so badly I am bleeding

[damage control]

I don't know what has happened but I have woken this morning to tears and shaking ... I cannot stop the tears, the grief, the pain ... .it has all fallen down around me again.

I was just outside on the phone to my son and he came out to make a call ... obviously to a woman, and, I think maybe a new woman ... he has stopped checking the dating site for 24 hours which usually means he has located a victim ... .

I feel ashamed and humiliated all over again that anyone, ANYONE is better or more desirable than me ... .

Right now ... I just want a big red button to push to make myself evaporate ... I don't want to be me, I don't want my life ... I don't want any of it  ... and the idea that I will be 'over it' at some point holds little comfort.

He saw that I was upset ... I had to walk past him to get to my room ... he was on the phone but he looked directly at me ... did he come and ask what was up? ... of course not ... he is now pursuing this woman, whoever she is, behind closed doors ... .nothing matters but that pursuit ... nothing.

[maxen]

  DC 

talk it out here if you want.

[damage control]

Thanks Maxen ... but I don't know what to say ... I am hemorrhaging and I can't seem to quell it ... .

I hate him right now and I hate myself for giving s toss what or who he is talking to.

I know all these awful things about him and yet ... I care that he doesn't want me.

I am acutely aware of his need to collect and use women and yet ... I take it personally that he doesn't want me ... it's a sick little game my mind is playing on me ... .I see him, his illness and the buffers he has created to protect himself with perfect clarity ... .but I cannot make that last break necessary ... I think part of me believes that having false hope for love is better than turning away from it altogether ... .I am not even making sense right now

Not sure if I am having a breakdown or a breakthrough - also not sure if I could or can tell the difference.

[Waifed]

Damage Control

The person he is talking to is not better than you. That person is just the next victim. I guarantee you that if he thought you were seeing someone or he left like he had lost control over you he would be working to recycle you. You don't want that. He is a piece of ___ who doesn't care about anyone but himself. He will never think of anyone but himself. He is a bottom feeder, the lowest of low life forms. You are so much better than him. He isn't worthy of you. F*ck him.

[damage control]

Thank you Waifed ... I needed to hear that.

I cannot help but think some of his 'calls' or the times he closes his door (he knows that I know that means he is in 'private' skype with someone - because, he did it with me) are designed to affect me ... then I begin to think that he probably doesn't even give my reaction much thought at all ... .and then ... just to keep up my own crazy internal monologue, I realise that it doesn't really matter.

He is a piece of sh^t  ... he can be superficially nice, but NOTHING excuses what he did or continues to do ... I don't care how much eye fillet he feeds me ... .every mouthful was like eating bullcrap...

And, he is a bottom feeder - he preys on socially isolated women - he even told me that - well, he said he 'was attracted to' socially isolated women but that is just self-denial talking ... they are easy targets to him ... and he has no shame in reeling them in.

He's an arsehole, a user, deceitful, manipulative and has little, if any self-awareness or empathy of the damage he does ... .and yet, I keep asking myself today - if someone who is so below me emotionally and socially cannot love me, what hope is there that someone who is whole and healthy ever will? I know it's a skewed comparison, but my thoughts have been polarised again (his speciality ... .polarise and confuse so the person doesn't see what is really going on).

[Waifed]

You will find a much healthier person than him. You need to really focus on yourself and why you stayed in a toxic relationship as long as you did. It is really hard when you are addicted.  Self worth went down the tubes during the relationship but it will work its way back into your body. Mine is slowly starting to creep back and I have flashes of looking forward. I am also much more aware of people and much better at reading them. Life is good. We have just been brainwashed to think otherwise.

You will eventually come out of this and you will be happy again. He won't. He is stuck in this cycle for the rest of his life. How miserable is that!  You need to look at him with a ___ eating grin and just shake your head. He is not worthy of having you.

[damage control]

Waifed ... I am lost today ... my boundaries are absent, my need is apparent for anybody with a sense of smell and I am at the mercy of hormones, endorphins and the rather base sense/s of sexual heat ... .and, oh yes ... I a drunk

He came into my room a couple of hours ago for a chat ... after he left I went to the front yard to answer a call and he came outside and spent about 2 hours with me ...

I am so confused ... .

[Nearlybroken]

DC,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low.I think we have all been there... .part of the joy of BPD.I am not normally in a position to give advice but I wanted to say this:I could have written your post.I have been on the receiving end of callous awful behaviour.My expwBPD behaved in the same bloody awful way.He never once had empathy for me.But in one "moment of honesty"(hahahaha) he stated that he enjoyed watching me in pain.It made him feel better about himself!You ex sounds so like mine... .a lying **** who is not worthy of your love.For so long I fell into the trap of craving any attention from him,any interaction that I could take as him caring.He fed off that and used it to continue his vile abuse.He could speak to me on a totally superficial level but once I introduced "adult" he would flip and turn everything round on me.They are sad,weak,pathetic people.All of us on here are worth more... .I guess we just all have moments of relapse... moments which are entirely understandable and come from the fact that we are normal so love and feel normally thus we expect to get those feelings reciprocated.Except,through no fault  of our own, we fell for sad disordered emotionally stunted people who fear intimacy so much they have to turn it into something to be mocked and abused.Hang in there.I know how hard it is... .I slipped today bigstyle... .all part of the horror I guess... .sending you my love.xxxxxx

[damage control]

Thank you NearlyBroken

I needed to hear that.

he has been in an out all night ... I have just comefrom the latest interaction.

Me: Are you happy?

Him: If I could get past the fear of fear i could be I think

Me: I mean, are you happier without me?'

Him: I fear emotional dependency, I fear living with somebody ... I tell people this and they don't seem to hear me ... .[I think he was talking about my replacement here]

me: We have never lived together

Him: yes ... but the constancy is ... it is just too much ... people expect other things ... it's just layers

Me: People often expect very little  ... .

Him: The fear is real

Me:No ... .actually, it's just a cop out. You are a cop out

Him (walking away) ... no ... .it's real

I was so disraught tonight that I contacted my (kids' Dad) ex of 12 years ago ... .he is still not 'allowed' to speak to me but told me that no matter what, he is here for me and gave me some times to call him ... every single ex - bar the current one, still had love and empathy for me ... but the current ... he takes what he needs and is in contempt of real emotion ... .he is emotionally bankrupt ... .a ghost of a ghost ... .

[Jbt857]

DC, please stop checking the dating site he's on. You've been doing it since you've been posting here, and it isn't healthy for you. You make assumptions based on it, that you don't know are true, and it's plain unhealthy.

I know you can't go NC, but to keep tabs on what he is doing online is just torturing yourself. It will be hard, but I think you'll feel better if you can stop yourself.

[maxen]

he is emotionally bankrupt

excellent choice of words, bankrupt. i think of my w the very same way.

[patientandclear]

DC -- I'm glad you shared parts of the dialogue you had with him.

I think you're making a couple of analytical errors that are making this feel worse for you.

First, you are assuming he knows what he's doing.  It is so clear from this distance that he is spinning and spinning & doesn't know what to do.  No configuration is making him happy.  It's like you want a final report card ("are you happier without me?" and he couldn't possibly give one because he is just trying different things, all of which feel bad.  He's still trying them.  Which includes coming to talk with you for hours on end.  You are also still something he is trying, if that makes sense.

Second, I'm certain that what he told you is NOT a cop out.  He IS afraid of emotional dependency.  His on someone else, someone else's on him.  When he said the fear is real and he's having a hard time finding someone who can understand that ... .I think you can take both of those things at face value.

If you were "staying" in this r/s, what the advisers on the Staying Board would say is that things would go better for you both if you could not take that personally and could validate his feelings.  Here, he served it up on a platter.  You could just say "I hear you that the fear of dependency is real for you.  I don't think I'd have done anything bad to you if you'd allowed me to come close, but I get that for you, the fear of that is real."  See?  You've lost nothing, but you two then haven't done further damage to one another by further failure to understand important emotional information.

That doesn't mean that validation will fix it or make him more able to deal with him fear.  But you two may do less damage to one another, given that he does have the fear.

With my ex: I gathered quickly & intuitively that he was freaking out about having a r/s with my kid and the engulfment associated with all that.  I told him we could have had all kinds of other arrangements, we didn't need to plunge into that as quickly as we had been because he seemed so enthusiastic.  But by that time, he was so freaked out that he couldn't hear or accept my offers to do it more slowly and incrementally.  He just needed to get away.  It's a panic thing -- it's so beyond reasoned choice that there's no way to call it a cop out at that moment.

The guy you're dealing with can be faulted for continuing to pull more women into a cycle with a very predictable ending, but he probably cannot be faulted for not just snapping out of it.  It's a lot deeper than that.  If you can let go of the idea that, if he liked you enough, he'd snap out of it, that would be good.  It isn't about whether he likes you, wants you, or whether you are the most compelling of all the women.  It wouldn't solve his fear.  In some ways, the more he cares about you, the greater the fear.  So "liking" or "wanting" isn't going to fix it.

The problem you have is that nothing at hand is going to fix it.  But you can stop making it worse for yourself by letting go of the idea that this about attraction or value.  He's in a closed loop where attraction & value cause emotional chaos for him.  They don't solve it, they cause it. And you can stop making it worse for both of you by practicing validation, which is healthy & calming for both parties.  If this comes up again you can say "I get it that you are really feeling bad in reaction to closeness.  That's got to be hard, especially if part of you also really wants closeness.  Sucks for us too, since I wanted that, too."  Again, you haven't solved anything, but you've made a safe place for both of your real feelings.

[Tincanmike]

DC, please stop checking the dating site he's on. You've been doing it since you've been posting here, and it isn't healthy for you. You make assumptions based on it, that you don't know are true, and it's plain unhealthy.

I know you can't go NC, but to keep tabs on what he is doing online is just torturing yourself. It will be hard, but I think you'll feel better if you can stop yourself.

I too was checking in on my soon to be ex-wife's social media.  And I made all kinds of assumptions that would bring me much pain. Very often my assumptions were just that and I felt like an idiot for even imagining these things. I haven't looked at her "stuff" for almost a week now. I know, it's that "big red shiny button" that you just want to push. Don't do it... .please! Don't beat yourself up unnecessarily! Get that button out of your sight and mind. My curiosity about what's going on in her life is finally starting to subside, and I feel much better for it. My best wishes to you. Keep strong! Half the battle is in our own self-control.

[amja77]

He's an arsehole, a user, deceitful, manipulative and has little, if any self-awareness or empathy of the damage he does ... .and yet, I keep asking myself today - if someone who is so below me emotionally and socially cannot love me, what hope is there that someone who is whole and healthy ever will? I know it's a skewed comparison, but my thoughts have been polarised again (his speciality ... .polarise and confuse so the person doesn't see what is really going on).

Wow, I cannot believe you wrote this because it is exactly where I have been and probably where I will be again in regards to my BPDbf.

I felt this same exact way when he broke it off with me the last time. The night before he said he was in love with me... .made all sorts of promises... .and then the next day, I get a call from his number... .from a girl. She proceeded to state that SHE was his girlfriend and that I should just stop calling. All the while, he was next to her while on the phone with me. And, may I add, that this girl was legit "white-trash" and was known to be the "slut of the town." I was considered the fragile "good girl" who was gullible, niave and sweet.

I keep relaying this scenario in my mind, even to this day (I'm actually dating him again... .what was I thinking?) This time around he became enmeshed with me, I think due to the last girls who probably ditched him due to his behavior. But, all I can say is, don't be the woman to let men like this use you. They will seek their prey and you better believe that their next partners or victims will not succeed. Believe me. But if, and when, this happens with this "skype" girl, DO NOT allow him to come running back to you with proclamations of love, regret and promises. If one doesn't cater to his ego, then he will soon go back to the "good" one who actually gave their heart and soul to them.

Please be strong and learn to love and respect yourself. I still feel i'll never find anyone either, but we will. We just need to love ourselves first before we can expect anyone else to love us in return.

[necchi]

They all have the same color faded behaviors it floors me ! There actions don't reflect the least bit the promises that comes from their mouth, I just witness this with enormous pain this summers end after a come back filled with promises,love and the work over to top it all but sad to say that to this day I believe in a real breacktrough, that is my feelings overwhelming my cognitive thinking. Today when I was referring to this she twisted the whole emotional image and it hurts me so much, every day is a different emotion, feelings. I am really tired of having feelings. I am tired of crying all the time but have to make a schedule to hide. And some time I just can't cry. And I'm so afraid of falling for someone like this again one day. When I wrote to her today she wrote she stopped grieving in August, webroke up in July,? I'm still hereballing my health out .  Pfffff

what a selfish disorder

[damage control]

Jbt + TincanMike:

I am not trying to be defensive here, truly ... but just wanted to say that I check the dating website for the following reason only: to reassure/soothe myself that he is still actively on there even though he has a new woman ...

He leaves for work 2 hours before i get up every morning and I have access to his computer in that time if I want it ... I could actually log into the dating website as him and see who he is mailing etc ... but I don't do that, nor do I have any desire to. Not only that, but I could check his emails and browser history etc ... .again, I don't (well, I did check his email about 2 weeks ago admittedly) ...

I am not saying that checking his 'fishing' activity is healthy or that I shouldn't stop ... .far from it ... but knowing that he is still trawling was giving me relief.

To be honest, I am not sure it still provides as much relief and sometimes, such as the other night, it was a bit painful to know that he chose to go there over being with me even a minute longer - in fact he must have ran and jumped on the site - I felt like I had pushed him there.

I DO know I have to let this go ... I am less sure of how to.

Thank you both


P+C:

I feel a bit like a grateful apprentice every time you post ... and I am always looking for new ways to say thank you for the time, thought and energy you spend responding to my 'emotional soup'.

First of all ... I sent him an email this morning apologising for dismissing his feelings about the fear he feels. I simply said that I had no right to diminish his feelings and that I understand that it is very real for him (TY P+C).

I also explained that the reason I asked if he was 'happy' was because he has been telling me for weeks how UNHAPPY he is and how he is struggling to find meaning/purpose in what feels like a bleak landscape. I also said that I am sorry that the world is like that for him.

Second (third/fourth:P) ... you are right ... .I should not have said what I did ... but I have never, ever said anything to him like that ... not even on the days following him dumping me ... I was and am tired of hearing how tough/bleak the world is for him and how nobody understands his fear, no doctor, no psych ... and no medication is ever enough ... he is a black hole. It may be very real for him but he is a vortex that takes down everything around him into that black hole.

I was also drunk ... not extremely, I don't think he even realised to be honest. But, after the emotional roller-coaster that was yesterday, I am surprised I didn't say more (and grateful).

He came to me constantly yesterday, all day and all night - we all had a late night. He sought me out over and over - came into my room and sat with me on my bed when I went there, came out the front yard to sit with me (we both usually use the back yard for smoking) ...

You see this as part of his spinning. I am not entirely convinced. Sometimes, he seems to be really struggling with everything ... .sometimes I wonder if these 'struggles' are put on as part of his WAIF/PA manipulations - not just for/to me but to all women - you cannot ask anything of a man who keeps telling you how bleak and fearful he is about life right?

I don't know P+C. I'm not an expert, I don't really have that much experience and obviously, my point of view is skewed by my proximity ... .

I do know that I feel better this morning ... I got only 2 hours sleep and I have a massive day ahead at work ...

[damage control]

For some reason the post I wrote this morning (above) didn't 'post' until after I got home from work ... so, apologies to those who responded/answered ... i didn't see you posts until a few moments ago ...

P+C ... .just to let you know ... he didn't respond to my email ... ... why do we even bother trying to be reasonable? I should have let it go ... ppfftt ... f^ck it.

Weird thing: ... On the way home today, I kept getting this overwhelming sense of good/fun/light ... I actually stopped and said to myself that I was /am no longer in love with this man ... I am less certain of thatfact now ... but I knew, with every fibre of myself for at least 2 hours that I no longer Loved him ... perhaps it will grow ... perhaps falling out of love won't be as scary as I thought ... perhaps ...

[damage control]

Well ... I got up this morning to a reply to my email ... nothing wonderous or amazing in that but because I had posted that he hadn't replied, I just wanted to correct that.

His email once again paints his victimhood ...

It’s fine DC - everyone has trivialised my phobia at one time or another.

How can one understand something that one has never experienced?

And yes, everything is still grey and meaningless…

[insert stuff about the house/mates here]

This place and work are doing my head in, though I doubt it matters where I live... .

I don't thin I need to point out how utterly self-involved these are ... I have a bunch f these from over the past year - they used to end with him telling me that I was his only friend ... and they used to wrench my heart ... I'm still not immune

[damage control]

Amja:

Thanks for your thoughts ... I try not to think of being reasonable and understanding as being a doormat ... I approach things with the attitude that if someone is going to walk all over me because I refuse to put up emotional barbed wire fences then that speaks more about them than it does me ... most people (OK, men) don't get past the initial phases with me as I rarely meet men I am attracted to ... I guess that is why this one feels like I have been hit by a semi-trailer loaded with cement ... .I never saw him coming.

marinro7:

I agree ... I know that they are supposedly 'stuck' in emotional hell all the time and doomed to replay the same story over and ever without resolution etc ... I know that they supposedly suffer all the time ... but honestly ... my reaction to that is good! I hope you die alone and miserable ... I just cannot find the sympathy... perhaps if they looked, even for a short while like they were/as miserable as they and everyone else claims I would feel better ... but telling me that he is miserable all the time while moving on to my replacement immediately (and possibly already setting up her replacement) while I can barely look at another man ... where's the fairness factor in that? ... .why shouldn't I feel ripped off, pissed off and hope that he is forced to confront his own selfish behaviour?

[patientandclear]

Hey DC--I hope you didn't read my earlier comments as suggesting that you were unfair to him when you said his fear of closeness was a cop out.  I just meant to suggest that if you accept the truth of that problem for him, it might help to kill the malignant hope concept that if he wanted or desired you sufficiently he would cross the intimacy threshold again. He has a real barrier to that.

That said, I think your email to him was awesome & you can be proud of that. His reply is remarkably graceless (yeah, others have trivialized it too--not gee, thanks for bothering to clarify that & to validate my feelings). But that's OK, you can feel good about your piece, like you were explaining in the above post.

I can't see any reason to doubt that he IS spinning. He DOES value you & need you. That's very different than love, though, & his behavior is horrendous, destructive, unprincipledn reckless, unforgiveable.

[goldylamont]

Weird thing: ... On the way home today, I kept getting this overwhelming sense of good/fun/light ... I actually stopped and said to myself that I was /am no longer in love with this man ... I am less certain of thatfact now ... but I knew, with every fibre of myself for at least 2 hours that I no longer Loved him ... perhaps it will grow ... perhaps falling out of love won't be as scary as I thought ... perhaps ...

YES! It will dc, it will grow. And 2 hours is quite a long time. Especially since you are still around this guy. I remember getting these small nuggets of reprieve, and initially it wasn't for hours, only a few minutes maybe where i felt this good, this detached. So having a few hours with this strength is a godsend.

The next time this happens--savor it. And remind yourself that this is the reality that you will be born into full-time. It will be, but you also have a lot of darker stuff to live through also.

For me I think the scariest thing is feeling that I was *always* going to feel terrible about it. And this can work you into a panic--like, it's really going to be this bad forever? It's really scary. But, because you are now going through cycles of feeling terrible, perhaps more often than not just feeling bad but it's manageable, and then having a few moments of full strength, light and happiness--well, just know that it's a cycle.

So, when you feel terrible--ok, recognize this and use this to practice being the best you can when you feel terrible. It's going to happen again, you'll feel terrible but hopefully will be a little less terrifying because you are now aware that this was going to happen, that you've been through it before, that you will also feel good at some point. And, when you feel good, then savor it. I used to thank myself, thank the spirits, hell thank everything when I felt these moments of bliss. And just promise yourself that you will remember this moment. Tell yourself "I won't try to hold onto you blissful moment, but I know you will be coming back!"  Corny, eh? But I talk to myself often.

[goldylamont]

damage control, are there things that you are doing, like meditation or working out or listening to music, anything to help with your emotions? do you have any mental or physical exercises that you've found helpful?

the reason i ask is because i will try as much as i can to dust off these exercises for myself as soon as i realize that i'm in a sh**y moment. right now i'm further along, so i have this prayer thing on forgiveness that i do in the morning time, or whenever i catch myself ruminating on my ex---but this is grad level stuff only b/c i haven't seen my ex in the flesh in over a year, see? so, well, i didn't want to mention forgiveness for you yet this is kind of a dirty word for you at this point. don't try this forgiveness stuff yet, though perhaps reading some theoretical stuff about it is ok though.

but, if you do have things that you do to help process your emotions--then try changing your perception when you feel terrible as an opportunity to practice. Practice letting go, practice channeling your anger, practice self-love or whatever it is that is needed at the time. ultimately this practice is not about making you feel better in the moment, so don't judge anything by if you feel better or not. really what you are doing is strengthening some mental muscles, strengthening your own self awareness, so that you'll be able to catch yourself before going too far and getting lost in these thoughts.

many times i would catch myself having terrible thoughts (good! i was becoming aware), and still i would allow myself to ruminate and sit completely in and with them because damnit i just wanted to be mad! and that's ok too, but each time you can practice at least being aware and choosing to do this, rather than allowing these emotions to choose for you. hope this makes sense, this at least has helped me a lot.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Damage Control,

THERE!  You have it!  Give this anger some energy.   USE it to detach.  And get free!

Here I'll help:

That sunnob*tch is a mudderfraking player from hell.  I'll Skype his computer right up his bass.  Calling him a piece of ___ is too good for him.  And as for preying on socially isolated women, that is so fracked up that he should be put in a mudderfraking trash masher along with the vomit of 1000 rabid dogs with ticks that are worth more than this arsewhole.

I promise if you repeat this to yourself 13 times, you'll feel better.   But you have to scream it out loud!  Otherwise it just doesn't work!

And when you're done, put the crap aside for a bit and tell yourself that you will be healthy after you kicked the sunnob*tch into the street! 

Be strong.  We're here with you!

d

Thank you Waifed ... I needed to hear that.

I cannot help but think some of his 'calls' or the times he closes his door (he knows that I know that means he is in 'private' skype with someone - because, he did it with me) are designed to affect me ... then I begin to think that he probably doesn't even give my reaction much thought at all ... .and then ... just to keep up my own crazy internal monologue, I realise that it doesn't really matter.

He is a piece of sh^t  ... he can be superficially nice, but NOTHING excuses what he did or continues to do ... I don't care how much eye fillet he feeds me ... .every mouthful was like eating bullcrap...

And, he is a bottom feeder - he preys on socially isolated women - he even told me that - well, he said he 'was attracted to' socially isolated women but that is just self-denial talking ... they are easy targets to him ... and he has no shame in reeling them in.

He's an arsehole, a user, deceitful, manipulative and has little, if any self-awareness or empathy of the damage he does ... .and yet, I keep asking myself today - if someone who is so below me emotionally and socially cannot love me, what hope is there that someone who is whole and healthy ever will? I know it's a skewed comparison, but my thoughts have been polarised again (his speciality ... .polarise and confuse so the person doesn't see what is really going on).

[damage control]

Hey DC--I hope you didn't read my earlier comments as suggesting that you were unfair to him when you said his fear of closeness was a cop out.  I just meant to suggest that if you accept the truth of that problem for him, it might help to kill the malignant hope concept that if he wanted or desired you sufficiently he would cross the intimacy threshold again. He has a real barrier to that.

That said, I think your email to him was awesome & you can be proud of that. His reply is remarkably graceless (yeah, others have trivialized it too--not gee, thanks for bothering to clarify that & to validate my feelings). But that's OK, you can feel good about your piece, like you were explaining in the above post.

I can't see any reason to doubt that he IS spinning. He DOES value you & need you. That's very different than love, though, & his behavior is horrendous, destructive, unprincipledn reckless, unforgiveable.

P+C

No ... I didn't read your post as suggesting I was unfair - not at all.

He does have a barrier there - and he especially has it for me I think ... whether that is because he and I are recently split, because unlike his other exes I didn't/don't 'hate him' ... or for another reason, I don't know. I do find the switching off of sexual desire bewildering - I cannot get my head around having ANY control of that - being able to switch it on or off ... foreign concept.

Thank you for the comment about my email ... .I resisted replying to him even though I think it would be easy for him and I to slip into emailing regularly on top of seeing each other - we emailed and skyped every day for so long ... .

His behaviour is all that you say ... taken in context (ie: remember what he said and did to you DC) ... .his everyday behaviour is completely different ... well, by that I mean the behaviour he exhibits when it's just him and me hanging out talking and laughing ... .this week I have found myself having to remind myself sharply that he goes into his room to connect with my replacement/other women ... .his pathology is not visible through outward rage or drinking etc ... it's a malignant core that is sustained via secrets ... .it's very nature means that the surface is in direct contradiction to what is going on behind the scenes ... but I keep forgetting that and that is dangerous for me.

[damage control]

P+C

I did savour it ... I do savour it ... I will savour it.

I don't do any meditation etc ... mainly because my mind will just not shut down - no matter what I do, how hard I try ... that is just me.

BUT - my current/new job is such that I absolutely have to shut down for periods in order to function - some of my work is in live TV and you just cannot make a mistake or the whole country will see it ... it is the first time I have ever had something that forced my mind to stop .

I have a teaching background and even when lecturing to hundreds of ppl, my mind would be skipping around in the BG ... so, every day, I have pockets of hour-slots where I am out of myself at work ... it's a godsend and it helps me to find peace 90% of the time I am at work.

Practising emotions is good advice ... .I need to (re)learn to be me ... apart from the obvious stuff, I have no idea what I want or what it feels like to 'be me'.

Who am I without this relationship? Obviously I am still me. But, my identity was sutured to being adored by this man, this person who looked and felt (and still looks and feels) like my perfect match ... .as you say, I think I still have that malignant hope ... .that he will realise this and make the decision to be step over/around/through and reach out ... .

[damage control]

Damage Control,

THERE!  You have it!  Give this anger some energy.   USE it to detach.  And get free!

Here I'll help:

That sunnob*tch is a mudderfraking player from hell.  I'll Skype his computer right up his bass.  Calling him a piece of ___ is too good for him.  And as for preying on socially isolated women, that is so fracked up that he should be put in a mudderfraking trash masher along with the vomit of 1000 rabid dogs with ticks that are worth more than this arsewhole.

I promise if you repeat this to yourself 13 times, you'll feel better.   But you have to scream it out loud!  Otherwise it just doesn't work!

And when you're done, put the crap aside for a bit and tell yourself that you will be healthy after you kicked the sunnob*tch into the street! 

Be strong.  We're here with you!

d

Thank you.

I tell myself this stuff and it helps.

I read about BPD and it helps.

I read about PA disorder ... and yeah ... it helps.

I KNOW this stuff ... I just need to internalise it  ...

[damage control]

I am not sure what is going on with him/me ATM.

Over the weekend, as I posted, he sought me out over and over ... I don't know if he was having a weekend off from my replacement and just needed company ... I didn't give it too much thought. He was actually calling out to me when he would come over

":)C! ... "

And, he would come rushing over ... a far, FAR cry from the man who could not sit still near me last week when I was trying to ignore him ...

Last night when I got home (late) from work, he came outside to seek me out again. We are having roommate issues ATM so, he began to discuss that and his paranoia came out to play for a while ... that's always a fun ride.

Then, we got onto film/TV etc which we always do and he had me in stitches recounting something he had watched recently ... this always happens - then I suggest some texts for him to watch and we get babbling and before i know it, it's been hours of talking ...

However ... .at one point he stopped and asked me what I was planning for Xmas ... I am pretty sure he was going to suggest I go with him to his parents' house for the day ... but he pulled back at the last second ... .no doubt to consider the invitation before he issues it ... .I could be wrong but, I got that feeling strongly.

As he was leaving to go to bed, he patted my thigh and said, "see you tomorrow" ... .as if both the patting and the expectation of meeting up were perfectly natural ... .I should have found the patting patronising ... .I don't know how I feel ... nobody 'pats' me ever ... I am not the patting type ... .it's like the slip up of calling me 'm'dear' the other day ... for some reason, he is more comfortable around me ... maybe time, maybe knowing that I won't explode or want to 'talk about' the relationship ... maybe because things are going well with my replacement/other women ... who knows ...

Luckily, I am back at work in a few ... and a tough day today ... while I am at home, these thoughts/ruminations/obsessions haunt me ... when I am at work ... I am free for the most part.

I long for indifference but feel it is far, far away ... .I also fear that my little trauma that plays out in this dynamic is sneakily thinking/hoping that she will 'seduce' this man again ... .I can barely let myself think that this thought is percolating in the background, but I think it is. 

[Lady31]

DC -

Perhaps it would do you more good to post on the staying board.  Reading all your actions in different posts coupled with the fact that you are not wanting to leave the situation really points more to staying.  At least currently your decisions are that of staying.

I have asked you a few times about your plans for leaving. (And you have responded.) Pay close attention to your responses - it seems to be painted as not even an option. (There is always an option if you want it bad enough.) From what I can tell - that is the MOST IMPORTANT THING you should be working on.  That is the first step.  From what I can tell from your responses you have not even attempted to find other alternatives.  This speaks volumes.  You also haven't mentioned a plan after the few weeks left (I'm guessing still a few weeks and then you will have a SOLID answer from work?) at work.  Have you made decisions (aside from living there) as to what you will be doing in a couple weeks either way things go with work?

When pointed to the most important thing for your health (leaving) you seem to skirt around this entirely and choose not to spend any significant time to look at all to see if it is an option - you THINK it isn't an option.  You simply say leaving isn't an option for you and go back to posting about all that he is doing. It really looks more like you don't want to leave - you want to stay. 

There really isn't any help on the leaving board for this - at least not in the way that you are seeking in imo.

There is absolutely nothing that will help you at this point but you.

It is as simple as this - until you take time and make it a priority to leave (over anything else) and spend the time and effort focusing on making this happen - THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE.

He is treating you like crap and you are not ready to leave.  You are putting your own hand in the fire and burning yourself over and over again. 

With every post I see at this point the only answer of help I can post is - You need to leave but you are not ready to leave him.  You are choosing this for your life.  You should post on the staying board imo.

I pray you stop burning the hell out of yourself.  Also, don't say there is no way out of there if you haven't even put significant time and energy trying to make that happen.  I think you know this is true in your own heart.

A true friend will tell you the truth.  I stayed WAY TO DANG LONG AND I BURNED MYSELF OVER AND OVER.  There is nothing wrong with you that you are struggling with this.  It's hard as hell.

BUT - don't fool yourself.  The only help you are going to get for yourself is to start putting all your energy and time to get out.  Until you are ready to do this - this is your life.  And there is not going to be any other answer that will make it better for you.

[winston72]

Hey DC... .lots of good posts here, from you and the responses of others.  I am being challenged and enlightened in many ways as I read them.

I would like to highlight one comment you made.  I struggle with this myself.  It is so curious to me because I say the same thing to myself.  In my case, my assessment of my ex is just completely wrong!  She really is not my perfect match because she is/was an ongoing source of pain and frustration.  And, might I say that your relationship with this man sounds like one that is unsatisfactory.  So, why do I, and why do you persist in the notion that this is a perfect match?  In my case, it is not even a good match, let alone perfect!  It is something to consider, challenge, question, examine.

But, my identity was sutured to being adored by this man, this person who looked and felt (and still looks and feels) like my perfect match... .

[patientandclear]

DC--I have really strong reactions reading about how your ex is acting toward you now. Reminds me so so much of how my ex was last year, when we spent a lot of time together as friends.  He was oh-so-slowly, oh-so-tentatively, trying to be intimate with me.  Like, sneaking up on it.  He introduced me to his daughter (girlfriends never meet his kids).  He met my dad & wanted to be introduced to a close friend of mine I was talking a lot about.  He gave me his favorite book growing up & was anxious to hear my reactions to it.  And so on.  All very important, significant gestures and hard and scary for him.

And then ... .

He suddenly moved to another city.

And then ... .

After a few months of continuing to communicate the daily details of his life by text like we were used to, he suddenly stopped that.  And now he's seeing someone else.

And in all of this, there is nothing I can say & no way I can object because the terms of our connection were "just friends" and he'd made clear he was deathly afraid of being "captured" and controlled.

I have no doubt your guy is exploring significant gestures like bringing you to his family's for Christmas.  But it's equally clear that he's terrified and squirrely and that there is no reason to feel you can count on anything in particular from him.  He'll come close when he feels like coming close, and you can't grab him or keep him.  He's a feral cat.

Can you do that?  Do you want that?

I thought I did, and I thought I could.  But that's when I thought it might build to something other than him just using me for the perfect closeness-distance cocktail before moving on.  Which, it turns out, is all it was.

I really feel like I know what he's doing.  It's a very dangerous place for you.