Coming clean on Tuesday

[bouchon226]

Hi

I am getting very nervous about the therapy appointment I am going to with my H on Tuesday.  It is the day I have decided to look him and his therapist in their eyes and tell them I am done… for good.  We are not currently living together, but as always H thinks we will get back together.  I have already told my H this but he keeps insisting we go to therapy for 'help' (which we've done for 3 years and it didn't help) and that he can't believe I would give up like this without even trying (hahaha, 3 years of continued support and therapy does not constitute 'trying' to him), I must not have ever loved him he says.  He will not take "this is over" as an answer.  He asks a lot of questions and wants to talk about the relationship every day.  I have gone over and over in my head what the best way to handle it is.  Because we own a business together, I do have to be careful because he is spiteful, vindictive and resentful over my not wanting to be with him.  I can't destroy my bread and butter.  I have decided the best way to deal with it is to go to his therapy session on Tuesday so I'm in a safe place (he keeps begging me to go with him to learn to communicate better).  I have told him a few times now that I am not going to talk about better communication, and he asks what I am going for then.  Well, the truth is, I am going so I can end this roller coaster once and for all.

Thanks for listening, just needed to tell someone other than my mom that I am going to jump off the roller coaster on Tuesday.  Wish me luck!   

[Waifed]

Good luck!  Better days ahead.

[Ironmanrises]

Let us know how it went. We walk with you. Hang in there Bouchon. 

[bouchon226]

Oh boy.  I know it is not going to go well.  He has just sent me a text message that says "if you're going to break up with me, I won't want to continue the business with you."  I try to understand the behaviors/words of a BPD but I know I never will.  I guess I'm too level headed and mature.  If my H no longer wanted to be with me after unstable behavior (as he has shown me), I would work hard to find a solution for the business and continue on with my life.  I wouldn't go throw it all to the dogs but he will do anything to make a 'statement' even if it means giving up everything we're worked for.  I have worked my a$$ off for our business and made it everything that it is, and I do fear I will lose it all.  For sure, the courts will protect me some.  I know this is going to get a lot stickier realistically but I was hoping it would go smoothly.  I guess the same way I've wished he would be emotionally stable, not bully me, become more independent, be trustworthy, etc etc etc etc…….

[Lady31]

bouchon,

I don't know your history at all.  Have you talked to an attorney about the best way to proceed?  I would do that first.

I was in the same situation you are.  Started a new business with my exh.  He wanted to keep it and the house.  He made threats to burn the house down at times.   He had me in a real pickle financially (everything was in my name).  He basically threatened to take me down with him if I didn't give him what he wanted.  Of course - he's the one who wanted the divorce and thought I wasn't entitled to anything.  HA! 

Anyway - I lived with the terror of what he would do if I started to fight him for stuff.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  If he doesn't like you leaving he may want to make sure you "pay".  I basically walked away from it all.  I got my equity out of the house (which wasn't much) and nothing for the business.

If you haven't talked to a lawyer about possible options, maybe do this first?  Maybe have a settlement plan/offer in place WHEN you tell him so you can get it all out there in one swoop. 

Anyway - worst case is he DOES do things to try to ruin you.  Even if you are set back - you can recover.  That is where I am now.  I left him the profitable business with everything all set up - and I have to find a way to start over.

It's nerve racking and ticks me off even still - but I know it will work itself out.  It will work out for you too!

[Suzn]

He has just sent me a text message that says "if you're going to break up with me, I won't want to continue the business with you."  I try to understand the behaviors/words of a BPD but I know I never will. 

bouchon this would be hard for anyone. Breakups are almost always tough even when "we" are the ones making the decision to end things. Things are awkward, painful and just down right hard when a couple who works together choose to end their relationship and decide to continue a working relationship. Some people just can't do it, BPD or not. I agree with others it may be a good plan to speak with an attorney. I would also add, it may be a good idea to speak with your therapist and give him/her a heads up on your plans for this session prior to Tuesday. 

[bouchon226]

Hi Suzn,

Thank you for your message!   You are right that some people may be able to continue a working relationship and some can not.  He is so emotional, he is going to fall apart.  Me, I left my heart out of it a long time ago and just tried to stay sane this whole time.

I was wondering about giving the therapist a heads up…   Here is why I was confused, please tell me what you think!  So a couple of weeks go I wrote his therapist an email (who we've seen together a few times) and said that he had been moping, depressed and whining about his parents/childhood again, which is what she has been working with him on for a while.  It was hard for me to hear him talk about it because (a) it has been the focal point in our relationship since we met (b) his parents have said nasty things about me and not supported us in this marriage.  I asked the therapist if she could talk to him about voicing a lot of the issues he has with his mom in therapy and instead of suffocating me with it (imagine constant sadness, victim roles, frustration and complaining that I've never been there - when in fact I've always been there).  And by suffocating I mean, he talked about it all the time, let it bother him and then he would get mad if I didn't react the way he wanted me to when he brought it up. I asked her if maybe they could try to channel the emotions about his mom in therapy so we could keep the mood a bit lighter at home.  He was already in the process of writing a letter to his parents, telling them how he feels about his childhood so he was in the process of starting to deal with it in general.  I had proofread the letter for him at least 3 times so far.

Anyway, I find out a few days later that the therapist PRINTED the email I wrote her and let him read it.  It would not have been an email I would have written to him knowing his sensitivities and insecurities so I was blown away she let him read it.  He was mad about it, and even said he questioned whether she was a good therapist to him any more because she held him accountable for always suffocating me with his sadness/victim role. 

With all that being said, I have been going back and forth between telling her my plan for this Tuesday because I recently expressed to her in an email after I found out she printed the other one that I thought it was a breach of the trust between she and I.  I even signed a confidentiality agreement when I went with him to see her the first time.  It makes me wonder if I can trust telling her before I go….   Also, I can feel some tension between she and I because of the email thing.  It's one of those things where I can tell in 'real life' she and I would not be friends     I just have a feeling it's going to get nasty on Tuesday………... .

[GaGrl]

My intuition is saying NOT to use the therapist appointment NOR give the T a heads-up. The email situation doesn't scream "trustworthy."

With a business at stake, I'd consult an attorney on how best to proceed. The Legal board will be very helpful for this. You need to be prepared to have a temp order in place that prohibits your STBX from taking any action with business accounts, removing assets, etc.

[Suzn]

I see, that complicates it a little. It's his therapist. It's a hard call. I don't think I would put it in writing after this experience.

I find out a few days later that the therapist PRINTED the email I wrote her and let him read it.  It would not have been an email I would have written to him knowing his sensitivities and insecurities so I was blown away she let him read it.  He was mad about it, and even said he questioned whether she was a good therapist to him any more because she held him accountable for always suffocating me with his sadness/victim role.  

Reading this, a couple things come to mind. We have no way of knowing her intent.

First, a letter such as this could be seen as triangulation. That you were attempting to "get her in your corner." Not saying you were, it could just be seen that way. Her sharing it with him could be a way for her to stay out of the middle. Simply having communications out in the open. Was this discussed/cleared up at any time afterwards?

Second, I believe it was my second therapy session when I asked if therapists who work with people wBPD held their clients accountable. My T works with pwBPD too. I was told that personal accountability was absolutely top of the list in her efforts with a patient with BPD.

Third, a therapist has to gain the trust of their patient for things to go successfully. Therapists gain this trust in many different ways, ways we may not know about or understand because, well, we aren't therapists.

My intuition is saying NOT to use the therapist appointment NOR give the T a heads-up. The email situation doesn't scream "trustworthy."

With a business at stake, I'd consult an attorney on how best to proceed. The Legal board will be very helpful for this. You need to be prepared to have a temp order in place that prohibits your STBX from taking any action with business accounts, removing assets, etc.

This may be very good advice.

[bouchon226]

Gagrl,

Thank you for your reply!  And yours too Suzn! I have spoked briefly to an atty so I have most of my ducks in a row.  I just couldn't figure out the best way to handle it as far as telling him.  I am not as much scared of a physical reaction from him such as violence, etc.  But I am worried about his reaction in terms of not gaining control of his emotions.  He will cry, beg, plead, verbally berate me, etc.  I wanted a "safe" place to tell him….

[Suzn]

But I am worried about his reaction in terms of not gaining control of his emotions.  

You are not responsible for nor can you control, save, help him control his own emotions. This responsibility belongs solely to him. Something his T was trying to point out.

He will cry, beg, plead, verbally berate me, etc.  

This may be helpful.

How to stop circular arguments

I wanted a "safe" place to tell him….

This isn't an easy spot to be in, for either of you. It's hard to tell someone "it's over" and it's usually harder to hear it. Your apprehension is completely understandable. May be a good plan to ask an attorney when to do this since you both have a livelihood at stake?

[RecycledNoMore]

Are all your personal belongings safe?, are all your financial bases covered? , I dont mean to be so nosy, but U have read some HORROR stories in previous threads, x changing passwords to bank accounts, changing locks, bogus restraining orders, the list goes on... .from my own experience, I can tell you my pwBPD tried anything and everything to get my attention, I dumped him, we werent living together at the time, I didnt think it through enough, I just couldnt take it... .

Long story short, he burned his own dog to get me to go see him.

Please be careful.Goodluck.