Is it possible?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just a few questions really,

Is it possible to use validation while a partner is not talking to you, ignoring, silent treatment and/or dsyregulating? Basically my ex-gf has gone through the rage, and is now ignoring me and blocking me out, this has gone on for about a week or two now, is it too late to validate her feelings?

Also, although I've matched up 6 out of the 9 criteria for her, it is just a case of me presuming she has BPD, I wondered if it was possible to have a mild case of PBD as, I think it takes a lot for her to trigger, but her reaction to the trigger has to me been irrational.

Thanks

[Bobbo]

Just a few questions really,

Is it possible to use validation while a partner is not talking to you, ignoring, silent treatment and/or dsyregulating? Basically my ex-gf has gone through the rage, and is now ignoring me and blocking me out, this has gone on for about a week or two now, is it too late to validate her feelings?

Also, although I've matched up 6 out of the 9 criteria for her, it is just a case of me presuming she has BPD, I wondered if it was possible to have a mild case of PBD as, I think it takes a lot for her to trigger, but her reaction to the trigger has to me been irrational.

Thanks

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[123Phoebe]

Hi Bobbo,

Hmm, might be too late to validate her feelings about this particular incident.  I would imagine her feelings might have changed by now, but of course can't be sure.  Have you tried getting in touch and she's ignored your attempts?

If someone isn't talking to me (for whatever reason), I usually give them space to figure things out.  That is validating their feelings, their need for space at the moment

How are you doing?  How are you fulfilling yourself during this time?

[Bobbo]

Yeah I sent her what I thought was a really nice text message telling her how much I loved her etc, she replied saying she couldn't trust me and wants absolutely nothing to do with me :-(

It's hard to give her space as we see eachothee at least twice a week as we have a child together.

I'm holding up ok, had some very down moments, but I'm working and trying to get my head down, very hard when all I want to do is resolve this issue and start afresh with her, I've been painted black and hate the idea I may never be painted white again, as normally she is amazing and you wouldn't know she had these episodes.

[123Phoebe]

Yeah I sent her what I thought was a really nice text message telling her how much I loved her etc, she replied saying she couldn't trust me and wants absolutely nothing to do with me :-(

Ouch, that must've hurt

It's hard to give her space as we see eachothee at least twice a week as we have a child together.

Sometimes "space" can mean emotional space, where we're not laying anything heavy on our partners when we realize they aren't in the frame of mind to take it in.

I'm glad you're there for your child, Bobbo   It's important that your child feels loved and nurtured.

Have you read the Lessons over to the right ---------->

Lots of really good information available to help us navigate some of the ups and downs of BPD.

We are here for you

[Bobbo]

Yeah it did hurt as I'm clinging to the hope we can/could reconcile, but now I'm having doubts in my mind if that would ever happen, even tho only a few weeks back I was the love of her life, and in my mind she has broke away from me over something irrational, bare in mind she hasn't been diagnosed and I'm just assuming she has BPD which I know I shouldn't, but in a way I wish she had been as at least then I would have some comfort for this behaviour, I know you can't rationale their though process, it's just hard not knowing if your hoping for something that might never happen.

I guess I've given her emotional space since Friday, not long, but I'm dying to send her a validation text, maybe I should wait a few more days?

Yeah trying it make the child feel loved, must be strange for them seeing mum and dad together and then not even talking.

I've done countless hours of reading trying to get to grasp with this disorder even tho I'm only 90% sure she has it, I just want to understand her feelings and be able to communicate with her again.

Currently in a down, really hoping there's an up so I can be armed with all this information to make us as a family work, like I said, I only think its a mild form of BPD, but the signs and behaviour all make me believe she has it.

[Hope26]

Hi Bobbo,

I am not one of the counsellors here, I'm another member like you.  So I may not be qualified to address one of your questions, except based on my own experience.  I too have a upwBPDh, 'u' as in undiagnosed, and I also am just assuming he has the condition.  Also like you, I am about 90% sure that he has it, based on what I had read, and even more so based on the experiences of others that I've read about on this board.  Also, I think it may be possible to have a 'mild' case, as you suggested; everybody thinks my husband is pretty amazing too (including me) except when he has the raging/dysregulation episodes.  And nobody sees those except me.  Also his are typically only once every couple of months or even longer; I've read the stories of others here who experience them monthly or even weekly.  I don't think I could be on the 'staying' board if that were the case with me.  And nothing feels 'mild' about it when they're raging at you, as you know, even if it is infrequent.  But take heart, I'm sure you can learn to handle the episodes better, if you do stay with her, because I have.  On this board I have learned not to take things so personally and to avoid 'JADEing' (justifying, arguing, defending, explaining yourself). Instead I now back away from him.  We had an episode Saturday night and I was less emotionally shattered than ever before by the next day, and today feel totally normal.  In the past I would have been a wreck for days, not able to eat or sleep and even missing work.  Good luck and best wishes to you.

[Bobbo]

Hey Hope, thanks for the message, I know everyone is different, but mine and my UexBPD fall out has been going on 3 weeks now, it's only the last week she has started to ignore me, so I'm assuming she dwelled on things and the anxiety built up and triggered her, I just wondered, how long have you had to wait till they came back around?

Tonight I'm dropping our son back to hers, it will be the first time in 3 weeks we have been alone together, I'm worried, should I bring up our relationship or play it cool and not mention it?

[Bobbo]

Also during the initial fight I and subsequence text messages I have unfortunately been using JADEing, and I tried to validate her feelings, but I also told her what I thought she was feeling so I'm guessing it wasn't a very good attempt at validating as I got an angry message back telling me she wants nothing to do with me and to leave her alone :-(

Frustrating and upsetting as this break up stemmed from me forgetting to tell her about bumping into my ex, I know that parts my own fault, but it's so hard knowing the reason is so irrational to me and we were so great as a family together. I know it's not her fault also but its frustrating, just wish she could see how irrational she is being, also it's hard not knowing if we will ever get back together.

[Hope26]

Hi Bobbo,

Not knowing what time zone you are in, you may have already had that meeting with your ex, and if so I hope it went well, or at least as smoothly as possible.  If not, I think I would do the 'play it cool and not mention it' option.  The only way I have had any success is to withdraw when the raging occurs, then later don't bring anything up again about it.  Like you said, the episodes are so irrational to begin with.  If she is interested in continuing in the relationship, and she sees you are calm and feeling secure, she will probably come around.  My experience is that we have to take the upper hand in terms of expressing emotional maturity.  Good luck!

[Bobbo]

Hey Hope, thanks for the reply, yeah had the meeting, tho it was the bit before the meeting that was the issue, I've made a new post about it in this board if you're interested, I blew up.

I feel like I am done and it's time to leave her to live her own life and just be there for my son.

My emotional maturity crumbled :-(