Can't Get Over This... as fast as I would like to

[Pretty Woman]

I am still so sad. I wish I could get past this.

I don't know if I ever will.

This weekend was my holiday party. It went really well... .so many people showed and had a great time. We really enjoyed ourselves. For the most part I didn't ruminate about her but I drank more than I should have.

Sunday I slept all day. Major depression. She wasn't there. I just stayed in bed, slept and cried. It's been a little over a month since she dumped and replaced me. I don't know when I will stop feeling this way... .I so want to feel better.

I feel in my heart of hearts she will never speak to me again. I don't care if she is friends with all her exes and has that pattern. I have been replaced, discarded. I mean nothing to her. She has changed all contact with me. Game over.

This hurts me more than anything I have ever experienced. I am in therapy but still "clinging" to hope she returns... .just to prove she is BPD (she is undiagnosed). Just to prove there IS a true pattern and it isn't just me.

She was an a-hole. She hit on my friends (I found this out AFTER the fact) and I suspect all the exes she was talking to while dating me she did so to put feelers out.

Even when I met her she asked me if I was "seeing someone". Of course NOT!---I asked her out.

Little did I know she was in the process of her ex (now I believe they weren't exes) moving to Illinois to be with her. Apparently I was a 2yr rebound.

Ok more like 13mo with all the breaks in there!

She is dating someone I thought was a friend.  It is such a weird situation where this woman was still trying to be my friend while lying to me about it.

I caught them in several lies.

Why would I want a liar and a cheat? I do not deserve this.

[Surnia]

Hi earth angel

a big big   to you. Yes, it is sad. Its okay to cry.

If she is BPD or not: Its not about you, its not just your fault.  You are a wonderful person. You deserve a healthy and great relationship. You deserve love.

[Changingman]

Hi earth Angel

I wish I had got over mine after 5 minutes of meeting her. These RSs are so messed up it beggars belief we involved ourselves... .ever.

It's not you.

It will get better for us, not for them.

NC = no crazy

[Pretty Woman]

I like that, Changingman... .

NC=No Crazy

You are all so right.

I know I am not perfect. She made me feel so unworthy of anyone else and then she left me. I don't hate her. I am really hurt. I blame myself for distancing from her. I had to... .I was so emotionally spent from her leaving. I never trusted she would stick around.

It just hurts she left me for my "friend". This woman is so severely damaged and desperate she is making plans with MY friends I introduced her to. It hurts a lot given I was betrayed and painted a villian by my ex when all I did was love her.

[blurry]

Big part of all this is that NOW I know wth I was dealing with. I doubt many of us knew going into it, what we were in for. I think we stay longer than we should of because we got emotionally attached BEFORE we knew what was going on.

I have no fears whatsoever about going into a BPD relationship again in the future because I have no doubt what it is now and I wont get attached emotionally. Ill be more ambivalent towards it.

Even if most of us knew ahead of time, yet still went ahead and got involved, I like to think our expectations would of been much lower from the start. I still think back to those first 4-5 months and realize I never, ever saw this coming. Why would I have been able to see it without prior experience with BPD? I just simply thought we were meant for each other.

I rest easy knowing I tried my best, gave her everything, and I'm positive she's gonna continue her cycle with someone else, or be alone, if she continues to go untreated. Almost want her to move on and live happily ever after, like if she woke up cured tomorrow... .but it ain't happenin.

[Octoberfest]

EA-

When I was fresh out of the relationship I too put a lot of stock into the proper diagnosis of my being BPD- even though she IS diagnosed. I certainly understand how critical it seems to be that it be our EXES with the problem, and when there is a diagnosed condition it makes that validation all the more real.

I can tell you however, that even having my BPDex be diagnosed (she was before we even got together), I still asked myself just as many questions in the vein of "Why wasn't I good enough" or "was it me" or "what did I do to deserve this".

The truth is that, with or without the presence or diagnosis of BPD, the way our BPDex's treated us is unacceptable and wrong.  You were left and come back to 6 times in 18 months- like many here, it seems like your BPDex used you when she WANTED to. She didn't have respect for you, she looked you up when SHE had a need.  NO ONE deserves to be treated that way- it is wholly a weakness and fault on the part of the person doing it.

[Ironmanrises]

The truth is that, with or without the presence or diagnosis of BPD, the way our BPDex's treated us is unacceptable and wrong.  You were left and come back to 6 times in 18 months- like many here, it seems like your BPDex used you when she WANTED to. She didn't have respect for you, she looked you up when SHE had a need.  NO ONE deserves to be treated that way- it is wholly a weakness and fault on the part of the person doing it.

Very well put October. There is no moral obligation by the other person, in our cases, the pwBPD. Whether that person is an emotional 3 year old trapped inside an adult body is no excuse for horrendous behavior. I was not excused at all for my suicide attempts because I have Major Depression. I was told by the psych doctor team in the psych ward after my second attempt, "Ironmanfalls, you have a responsibility to yourself and to those around you(your family)." Why is that accountability not attached to my exUBPDgf? Why does she get to hurt me like that and not be told anything? Not be held responsible? And that truly f¥cking hurts. The disparity. I don't mean to sound like a whining child, it is how this whole experience has felt like for me.

[Changingman]

I like that, Changingman... .

NC=No Crazy

You are all so right.

I know I am not perfect. She made me feel so unworthy of anyone else and then she left me. I don't hate her. I am really hurt. I blame myself for distancing from her. I had to... .I was so emotionally spent from her leaving. I never trusted she would stick around.

It just hurts she left me for my "friend". This woman is so severely damaged and desperate she is making plans with MY friends I introduced her to. It hurts a lot given I was betrayed and painted a villian by my ex when all I did was love her.

I have nearly had a mental breakdown, nearly drowned in the crazy. This is not to be played with.

When I hear someone say

I'll be ready next time I'm with someone with BPD.

It makes me shudder, this is NOT to be played with. Our emotional/mental/spiritual health are the roots that feed and sustain our physical/social/financial health. I have stood looking into the cold empty void of this condition and I am changed forever. This is not to be under estimated by us. There is a darkness to this that is so dangerous, I have been warned. Never again will I be so cavalier with myself. I am going to look after myself properly.

An awareness of this dark part of nature is critical.

Hear this clearly

Sex is not a social construct. Sex is not a toy. It opens deep parts of us, primal, It is a force of nature and demons stalk it's midnight realm.

Find your joy

[Octoberfest]

The truth is that, with or without the presence or diagnosis of BPD, the way our BPDex's treated us is unacceptable and wrong.  You were left and come back to 6 times in 18 months- like many here, it seems like your BPDex used you when she WANTED to. She didn't have respect for you, she looked you up when SHE had a need.  NO ONE deserves to be treated that way- it is wholly a weakness and fault on the part of the person doing it.

Very well put October. There is no moral obligation by the other person, in our cases, the pwBPD. Whether that person is an emotional 3 year old trapped inside an adult body is no excuse for horrendous behavior. I was not excused at all for my suicide attempts because I have Major Depression. I was told by the psych doctor team in the psych ward after my second attempt, "Ironmanfalls, you have a responsibility to yourself and to those around you(your family)." Why is that accountability not attached to my exUBPDgf? Why does she get to hurt me like that and not be told anything? Not be held responsible? And that truly f¥cking hurts. The disparity. I don't mean to sound like a whining child, it is how this whole experience has felt like for me.

YOU can hold her accountable.  YOU can say, "This is not OK", and you can believe it. 

Our BPDex's are slated for a lifetime of distress and turmoil.  They are going to "get theirs", no questions asked.  Each of us, however, can be a part of that by saying, "Never again.  By going back to you I am sending a message that your behavior is acceptable, and that I am deserving of it.  It is not, and I am not.  I can, and will do, better."

[Changingman]

Read any open forum with BPD members, it's astonishing how they all follow the same whiny, angry, arrogant, blaming, name calling, pitiful script. You can feel their fluctuating emotions in one paragraph.

Heal yourself, ignore them.

[Pretty Woman]

Changingman,

   I know, it's amazing how hostile they can be on the boards.

I don't even know if my ex knows what borderline is. She says she has ADHD and won't get help because she didn't like being on meds for it before. During an argument though she became dissasociative and was rocking back and forth saying "I have frontal lobe issues".

That was a sign to me something was very wrong.

I hurt for her. I grieve for her pain and in the process I lost myself.  I was never in a relationship. I was always solo, just me, alone.

[Changingman]

Changingman,

   I know, it's amazing how hostile they can be on the boards.

I don't even know if my ex knows what borderline is. She says she has ADHD and won't get help because she didn't like being on meds for it before. During an argument though she became dissasociative and was rocking back and forth saying "I have frontal lobe issues".

That was a sign to me something was very wrong.

I hurt for her. I grieve for her pain and in the process I lost myself.  I was never in a relationship. I was always solo, just me, alone.

Yes Earth angel,

We were always alone, this is devastating when we realise. They are always alone, the deep emptyness that the symptoms talk of,  disappearing when alone, they don't even have themselves, what can they give if they have/are nothing? You reflected back, sex, chaos, and the very edges of where relationships happen, the interpersonal, the shallow, the bordeirline.

Well now you know you can love yourself, she held a mirror up to you and you fell in love. That wasn't her that was YOU. The splitting black, devaluation phase was HER.

I'd stick with yourself

Apparently you're alright

X

[sirensong65]

I keep seeing the common threads of ADD, ADHD, Anxiety/Panic attacks, depression, etc.

I never dated someone with SO much going on in my life.  And I STUCK.  I stayed and I supported and I took care of him, and took less care of me.

And now here I sit, drinking and broken when I should be at work.

And he is carefree and plugging along...

[Naddred369]

Changing man, Earth Angel,

I read an open BPD board for the sufferers of the illness... .

WE NEVER STOOD A CHANCE!

it was awful to read, the utter pain/hate/misery!

They just hate everything.

We ask are they truly happy? HELL NO!

Thank the Gods we managed to get out!

[Pretty Woman]

Sirensong,

 The only reason he is plugging along is he hasn't grieved anything. They are almost inhuman in how they cope with things.

Please don't drink.  I know how hard this is... .it just doesn't help, it just makes you ruminate more and feel bad.

Yesterday was hard for me. It was snowing. I was thinking about zoo lights and all the things we were going to do.

But again, all that is moot.  New memories and new people. It's hard but they are moving on... .we need to do the same.

[Pretty Woman]

Naddred,

  I also read something very interesting... .

remember the awesome idolization phase? They were actually mirroring US.

We fell in love with ourselves.


It's funny how we lose that self love during the discard phase.  We truly fell in love with the good aspects of ourselves. When you think about it and how much in love you were you need to realize that person was YOU and WOW imagine if that love went to someone who WASN'T disordered?

We need to have faith in ourselves and get ourselves healthy. We need to get past who they are with and who they are doing.

We were granted the best gift they could possibly give us... .freedom to find the love we truly deserve, with someone who can RECIPROCATE NOT MIMIC us.

[Naddred369]

I agree with you Earth Angel,

With have won a second chance, won our freedom.

But im bloody lonely with little or no self esteem and im a 42 year old Ginger bloke who lives with his mother and doesent drive!

What a catch!

its so sad its funny.

I think thats why im depressed, I KNOW in my heart of hearts im so much more better off but im just starting off with nothing. Im scared this is all I will ever have now.

Im actually terrified!

[Pretty Woman]

Sigh, love gingers.

Sending ginger love. My 1st boyfriend was one. 


BTW... .not starting off with nothing. Stop telling yourself that.  You have been given a GIFT.  Psh 42.

We all make mistakes in life.  Don't beat yourself up my friend. Chin up! I'm here. We all are!

[Naddred369]

Thankyou!

Been told I look like Damian Lewis! i prefer chuck norris but hey ho! hahahaah!

[myself]

I've never liked this term 'replaced'. Not the way that people take that on, take on that role. See themselves that way. That's someone else's viewpoint. Those are someone else's hungers, fears, actions. ':)iscarded', I can see, but that's because they didn't see us for who we really are. There was no appreciation there beyond an instant fix (that was already soured for them long before we ever entered their picture). Or perhaps in hopes for uncertain futures. The only way we were 'replaced' is seeing it as we were the substance they craved yet were repelled by, so they're off to try to find it elsewhere. If you were a human with a heart and feelings, and were doing your best, there's no replacing that. More peace/less chaos is fine by me, if that's where we are now.

[Changingman]

Changing man, Earth Angel,

I read an open BPD board for the sufferers of the illness... .

WE NEVER STOOD A CHANCE!

it was awful to read, the utter pain/hate/misery!

They just hate everything.

We ask are they truly happy? HELL NO!

Thank the Gods we managed to get out!

Amen to that,

The crazed posts, pain, confusion, lack of identity, shifting voices, pity, excuses, shaming, hellish gothic blood lust,

This episode in my life has made me reconsider the notion of evil, it's coldness, it's lack of accountability, magical thinking, madness, paranoia, control.

It's all there

[Changingman]

Oops, revenge, rage, no empathy, spreading poison amongst families, friends, relationships etc, abuse, sadism, self loathing, Narsisism, manipulation, false front, demonic