It's all my fault (a vent)

[maxsterling]

This morning I was at work for no longer than 10 minutes before the first "emergency" phone call of the day.  She had gotten out of the shower, was walking through the house undressed holding a cup of coffee, slipped, and spilled the coffee on the wall and the rug.

And somehow this is my fault:

I left the blinds open so she had to tiptoe around the house and move fast because she was undressed - so her slipping is partially my fault.

She can't clean up the mess because there were not enough paper towels on the holder, and a new roll is too high for her to reach.  And somehow that is my fault.  We do have a step stool.

I told her to blot up the coffee with paper towels until it was dry and that we would worry about the stain later.  But that didn't entirely remove the stain, so that was my fault, too, because my idea did not work.

So frustrating.  Maybe she truly wasn't specifically saying that it was my fault, and she was just calling me up stressed and venting.  But it is sometimes very difficult to detach myself from that feeling of blame when she calls up with all these complaints and frustrations that I am in no position to do anything about.  It feels like she is blaming me.  My mom used to do that too growing up, and I hated that.

I figure this is just a part of BPD that I am going to have to live with if I stay with her, and there is probably no amount of therapy or communication with me that will make that go away completely. 

It does scare me thinking if we had a child together - a 38 year old adult needs to be able to handle these little things herself without blaming others, otherwise I get double burden on me. 

[bouchon226]

WOW, run Max, as fast as you can!  You are so describing my life for the past 3 years.  I'm telling you, it just gets worse.  Not only does the BPD get worse in the relationship as things you do start to trigger her behavior, but (trust me on this one!) you will get less and less tolerant of the drama.  Looking back, I wish I would have found this board 3 months into my relationship, not 3 years into marriage.  I had no idea just how intolerable things would get and how every single thing would get blown out of proportion into some catastrophic situation.  I shared a story on one of the boards here this weekend - the story about how my dog's butt knocked over a glass of red wine on my new Crate & Barrel sofa when we were first dating.  I got pretty stressed cleaning it up and apparently I asked for a towel in a snippy tone.  One unintentional snippy tone in the heat of a major clean up and he went BALLISTIC!   He stormed around the parking lot at my apartment at the time (which was actually above two retail stores that were open) yelling and screaming.  When I asked him to quiet down because people might think he's abusing me (he actually was) and call the cops.  IF ONLY I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW!  If I did, I would have asked him to leave immediately and never looked back.  Instead, I've put up with that childish mess for 3 years. My H is 40, and he acts mostly like a child who constantly needs love, reassurance and affection from his mommy and I am NOT his mommy.   

I know it is a lot easier said than done when you like someone in the beginning of a relationship.  Things are new, romantic, fun, passionate…. But believe me, that feeling passes as you deal with the reality of BPD for an extended period of time.  Some people have these loaded relationships and can't leave and are totally emotionally invested, I had the opposite reaction to it.  I can't even stand my H now (hence why we're separated), his drama has just left me so absolutely 100% OVER IT.  I wish you all the best as you work through all of this drama in your head because if you're like I was in the beginning, you don't know what the heck is going on - it's like the tasmanian devil is released in your home and in your life!

[Surnia]

Hi maxsterling

I can relate, its not funny to just start work and receive a emergency call.

What about validate her feelings like:

Are you okay, honey? Yes, it is painful and really annoying to slip with a cup of coffee!  Yes, all this cleaning sucks.

And than: I am sure you will find a way to clean the worst part and for the rest I will help you when I am back.

I don't have towels, what can I do?

I am sure, you find something else, honey. (Broken records is sometimes helpful. Just repeating friendly the same thing.)

Something like this. What do you think about it?

[maxen]

hi max. i'm really sorry for your situation. i want to comment on one thing in particular:

It does scare me thinking if we had a child together - a 38 year old adult needs to be able to handle these little things herself without blaming others, otherwise I get double burden on me. 

my wife was about 42 when we were approaching the time for starting a family. my feet got colder as the time approached, as she, like yours, just wouldn't take care of things, but was also irresponsible with alcohol and, as far as i could tell at the time, with money (since confirmed). i said "i know what'll happen if we have a kid, you'll take to your bed and become the world's biggest queen," to which she responded "heh-heh." i'm the d-of-d in a middle school, i have a very elderly and delusional mother to take care of, in other words i have a stressful life, and i NEEDED a partner on whom i could rely implicitly. i didn't have that, so i balked. she was very hurt, quite naturally, but the reason wasn't her drinking and spending, it was becuase "you didn't think i was up to it." so as ever, it was my reaction, not her actions, to blame.

otoh, i will forever miss having a child. the reaction of others is unanimous: "thank god you didn't," "what if it had fetal alcohol syndrome," "the divorce is soo much easier without children in it." but at least if i had a little one coming out of the marriage ... .

but again,

I figure this is just a part of BPD that I am going to have to live with if I stay with her, and there is probably no amount of therapy or communication with me that will make that go away completely.  

you may well be doing 75% of the raising, and getting little appreciation for it. can you live with that?

so please think very carefully about it, the pros and cons.