leaving but our 17th aniversary is friday

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have totally decided on leaving my extremely high-functioning uBPDh after 17 years of crap. Took me a while to get to that decision but I have made the right choice. Absolutely, 100% - I´m just here physically cause I have no where to go yet. I´m working on that part.

I told him that I can´t stay in this relationship and he flipped: I had to pick him up at work the other day. He didn´t talk to me for three days. Then he "zombied" around the house crying (yes I found out that the man does cry), poking at his food, not sleeping... .  and he finally said that he knew I was unhappy and if I wanted to leave, it would be for the best. His face muscles are so tight he cant even talk straight. It´s kind of scary.  He said he realized that our marriage wasn´t working. 

Then came the bargains: he wanted to be married but just with no sex , then just friends but we live in the same house, then emotional buddies - GOD! His bargaining was hard to deal with. I said I was moving out and to another city and he said he´d move too.   I can´t interfere with his life, but gads, if I want to move to get away from him, I think he´d get the point!

Now he´s in the denial phase... .Flowers, hugs, I love you notes, breakfast in bed. He must be reading some kind of book called "how to get your wife back emotionally" because, man, it´s working. I keep wanting to believe it will get better - but I know it wont. I keep wanting to believe all the lies (I love you... .I´ll get help- but never does - I´ll stop treating you badly- ). If he loved me he wouldn´t have treated me like he did for 2 decades. But what am I supposed to do so he gets the point - through the eggs and toast across the room? Not eat it? I am civilized but my "education" isn´t doing me any good. I wish I could tell him to take a hike... .with some other words.

Anyway, I will be better off by myself. No more mind games, no more future emotional guessing, no more loneliness, no more tears.

But then why in the world do I still want to cuddle, and why does the bed seem so empty... .Come one heart - get a grip! Why do I still let him kiss me? Hoping he will change has been my worst enemy!

And he wants to go out Friday to celebrate    our 17th anniversary - COME ON!   What is there to celebrate? 17 years of pain, treason, cheating, lies, doubt, tears, emotional roller coaster and verbal, emotional, sexual and psychological abuse?

I think I need to physically move out so he gets the idea... .

[Monarch Butterfly]

I have totally decided on leaving my extremely high-functioning uBPDh after 17 years of crap. Took me a while to get to that decision but I have made the right choice. Absolutely, 100% - I´m just here physically cause I have no where to go yet. I´m working on that part.

I told him that I can´t stay in this relationship and he flipped: I had to pick him up at work the other day. He didn´t talk to me for three days. Then he "zombied" around the house crying (yes I found out that the man does cry), poking at his food, not sleeping... .  and he finally said that he knew I was unhappy and if I wanted to leave, it would be for the best. His face muscles are so tight he cant even talk straight. It´s kind of scary.  He said he realized that our marriage wasn´t working. 

Then came the bargains: he wanted to be married but just with no sex , then just friends but we live in the same house, then emotional buddies - GOD! His bargaining was hard to deal with. I said I was moving out and to another city and he said he´d move too.   I can´t interfere with his life, but gads, if I want to move to get away from him, I think he´d get the point!

Now he´s in the denial phase... .Flowers, hugs, I love you notes, breakfast in bed. He must be reading some kind of book called "how to get your wife back emotionally" because, man, it´s working. I keep wanting to believe it will get better - but I know it wont. I keep wanting to believe all the lies (I love you... .I´ll get help- but never does - I´ll stop treating you badly- ). If he loved me he wouldn´t have treated me like he did for 2 decades. But what am I supposed to do so he gets the point - through the eggs and toast across the room? Not eat it? I am civilized but my "education" isn´t doing me any good. I wish I could tell him to take a hike... .with some other words.

Anyway, I will be better off by myself. No more mind games, no more future emotional guessing, no more loneliness, no more tears.

But then why in the world do I still want to cuddle, and why does the bed seem so empty... .Come one heart - get a grip! Why do I still let him kiss me? Hoping he will change has been my worst enemy!

And he wants to go out Friday to celebrate    our 17th anniversary - COME ON!   What is there to celebrate? 17 years of pain, treason, cheating, lies, doubt, tears, emotional roller coaster and verbal, emotional, sexual and psychological abuse?

I think I need to physically move out so he gets the idea... .

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Monarch Butterfly, I know you're feeling somewhat conflicted. I know I've felt the same, and that was the biggest struggle I had breaking up with my exBPDgf. You've been together 17 years, and that is a long history together regardless of the ups and downs. Most people cannot just turn it off like a lightswitch even if you are fed up.

If your feelings are tripping you up, that's okay. Don't make any decisions in the heat of the moment. Take a moment to understand your emotions then look at the facts. Do the things that uphold your inner values, and if you do that enough times then the emotions can eventually align with your wants. It's a process of learning that will take a while.

You already have a long list of reasons why you need to leave. Keep referring to it and stay strong. You can do it. 

[heartandwhole]

Monarch,

I commend you for being able to withstand the stages like you have.  17 years is a really long time, and it will take time for you to get through the grieving process, after you have moved out.  I think leaving physically will help, but I know that's not always feasible.

Hang in there.  You are doing tremendously well considering the situation! 

[pecia]

Monarch,

 I am in the same boat as you are. I have also been married to my BPD for 17 years. He moved out for a therapeutic separation in September. I stopped by his apartment yesterday to see him and discovered items from other women (makeup, earrings, shampoo). It is hard. I took my ring off for the first time ever yesterday. It is very hard to process that long of being abused by them. I miss him, want to cuddle him, see him in one moment and in the next one I have fantasies about saying and doing very hurtful things to him. It really sucks. I don't have any words of wisdom. Just know that you aren't alone. - pecia

[nevaeh]

Monarch,

I feel your struggle!  I am leaving my uBPDh of 18 years in January.  He doesn't know yet.  I have tried to leave him 3 other times and told him I wanted a divorce.  The last time was about 3 years ago and I went through EXACTLY what you are describing!  I told him on a Saturday morning and he LITERALLY clung to me for the entire weekend.  Crying... .begging... .pleading... .making promises... .WOW, it was painful!  And, I fell for it and gave him another chance.  Things WERE good.  For about 4 months and then it all started falling apart. 

Because of my experience 3 years ago I know that I will need to be physically separated from H as soon as I tell him.  I don't know if he will voluntarily leave the house, so I am trying to work out the timing so that I can move out with my 3 kids.  I am not really worried that H will become enraged when I tell him, I am more concerned that he is going to make it emotionally impossible for me to do it.  That's why I know I have to get out and be apart from him.

Where we differ, I think, is that I have no desire to be with him anymore.  Zero.  I haven't worn my wedding ring for 2 years.  I don't want him to touch me.  I don't want him to talk to me.  I pretty much avoid having interactions with him as much as possible until this all takes place.  I am still with him because I didn't want to put my kids through the turmoil of moving right before Christmas.

Do you have children?  I know how much that can impact your ability to physically leave.  It's complicated even without kids.  I know there are a lot of reasons it can be difficult to leave - whether legal, financial, etc.  Even if you could move out "temporarily" and tell him you need some space to "figure things out" maybe that would make the transition easier yet leave the door open enough to possibly getting back in to the house at some point.  This sounds terrible, but if you have the "upper hand" right now, maybe if you ask HIM to leave temporarily so you can figure things out, maybe he would be willing to do that. 

I feel your pain and am sending you positive thoughts for strength.  One thing I have tried to do the past few months is every time I have a vision or a thought about how sad my H will be or how hurt he will be when I tell him of the divorce, I try to change my vision to something positive that I personally will experience after the divorce.  I'm sure there are a lot of things you are "looking forward to" when no longer with your H... .so, when you start feeling bad, just try to force those good thoughts into your mind. 

I will soon be going through what you are and I am not looking forward to it at all. 

Good luck... .

[Monarch Butterfly]

I just want to drop a note of thanks to all of you. The replies have really helped me find my focus and keep my eyes fixed on what needs to be done, regardless of my emotional imbalance. Thanks bunches!