bad day. She is now married to my replacement

[huhhuh]

and now she is married to my replacement... *ugh*... I guess it was coming.

And my life is just sh**. And I struggle so bad. it's not fair.

sorry. I have nothing more to add now... It's just hard to go through.

[necchi]

Damn, sorry... .how long have you been separated?

[huhhuh]

I got replaced at New Year so almost a year.

No real closure.

I found out she was married by looking at her facebook. no pictures. But I'm sure it will come. Now I just need to promise myself not to check her facebook ever again. The dream I hoped for will never happen. The life I hoped for can't happen and will never happen.

I just miss her and still love her. But it can't happen

[heartandwhole]

I found out she was married by looking at her facebook. no pictures. But I'm sure it will come. Now I just need to promise myself not to check her facebook ever again. The dream I hoped for will never happen. The life I hoped for can't happen and will never happen.

I just miss her and still love her. But it can't happen

huhhuh, I'm sorry, that is really hard news to get.    I know I'd be hurting, too.  It hurts when reality hits us in the face and all hope is gone.  I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it's also freedom for you.  Finally.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. 

[Pretty Woman]

Huh-ny,

   

I am awaiting the day I see that too.

Just know we are all here for you. I am so sorry you had to see that.

Facebook sucks.  Best not to check or block.

[huhhuh]

It doesn't feel like freedom but maybe this was needed for me to detach and let go of the hope. A part of me still hoped she would change.

I really really just need to stop stalking her facebook now. But I'm sure now after this I will not check anymore.

I just still want some kind of closure and validation. But I realize I will never get that.

[huhhuh]

I need to admit I broke NC a couple of weeks ago and asked by email how she was. She replied she was fine but when I told her that I missed the times we had she was silent. It has always been impossible to communicate with her on an emotional level. I just want some kind of reaction from her. At least just "I don't love you. Go away" or "forget me" or just some kind of reaction. But All I got was silent treatment throughout our relationship

But it tells me that she still cannot communicate on an emotional level and that her new husband will get the same treatment.

[Pretty Woman]

Huh,

  I got all of these:

At least just "I don't love you. Go away" or "forget me" or just some kind of reaction.

but in the end it doesn't make a difference. Still no actual closure. My closure was an email listing all my faults. After that, she told me she was being compassionate in giving me this closure.

I responded: compassionate? Go re read your email.

Compassion=Blame

Sometimes we have to give ourselves closure by closing the door. Right now our doors are left open a crack. We need to shut and lock them to move on.

[Ironmanrises]

Not that this will provide an solace from your hurt, just know that your replacement will get the BPD hell on earth treatment in a way that will even surpass your nightmare. Remember what marriage entails, extreme closeness. Just think of what that will unleash from your ex, onto him. His hell, is inbound. I know that you are hurting. I am so sorry you had to find that out. When your ex starts to unravel, she may reappear in your life again. A very real possibility. Then what are you going to do? Hang in there.

[huhhuh]

just know that your replacement will get the BPD hell on earth treatment in a way that will even surpass your nightmare. Remember what marriage entails, extreme closeness.

I know you are right. I know he will get the same treatment. I lasted three years. He is one year in now. He doesn't know what awaits him.

[Pretty Woman]

I second, Ironman's sentiments.

This guy is not getting better treatment than you did. Just because she married him. Getting married is her "fix". This is going to be so much worse and painful for the poor shmoe because he is legally tied to her.

You dodged a serious bullet.

I know it's hard to believe this because you wanted to marry this woman. You are a good person who loved someone who is incapable of fully loving. It is in her DNA, you cannot change it.

My ex complained the entire relationship she wanted a partner. So did I. She wanted to move in with me after a month. Her four relationships before me she did not live with the women. The women she did live with she cheated on like crazy. One had to kick her out.

Living together creates even more intimacy they cannot handle.

Have faith my friend. This will not last for her and sadly for poor shmoe who has no idea the pain he is in for.

I think about the woman I thought was my friend who is now with my ex. She has no idea about BPD. She knows my ex left me for other exes and she is insecure and worried but she has no clue about this disorder.

I am not warning. I had to find out on my own and I can only imagine. I really don't wish bad on her because I know what will happen to her. It's sad but for me a little bittersweet.

[huhhuh]

Earth Angel:

Yes. It's in her DNA. And I know you are right, that she is not capable of giving the love a marriage require.

And yes. the only closure I can get must come from myself. No matter how hard it is.

[seeking balance]

It doesn't feel like freedom but maybe this was needed for me to detach and let go of the hope. A part of me still hoped she would change.

It helped me to treat it like a death... .it was the death of the relationship.  When someone dies, hope of renewal is gone.  This might sound extreme, but the reality was I accepted this was truly who my ex is - not the person I thought I married - as such, the person I married, the dreams - that really was dead.

Grieving that helped me heal.  Holding onto a "what if" is like someone staying on life support - sometimes letting go is actually easier once the initial jolt of pain of losing them is grieved.

I really really just need to stop stalking her facebook now. But I'm sure now after this I will not check anymore.

I wish there were an easier way to learn this lesson, I have watched so many people get so hurt before finally letting stalking FB go.  Since this has become a coping mechanism to your pain, don't be surprised this will be like letting go any other addiction - perhaps keep a reminder that FB=pain for you regarding her these days.

I just still want some kind of closure and validation. But I realize I will never get that.

Perhaps explore this - what does closure look like and what do you need validated?

What I can tell you for sure - grief is hard work.  However, you will not feel the way you do right now forever.  Time and tears, you will rebuild and be stronger than you can imagine.  You really are not alone, so many of us have felt exactly the way you do and you are right, it is not fair.  Life not being fair was a hard pill for me to swallow too - but, it just isn't sometimes.  Feel your feelings and let them go... .it really will get better.

Peace,

SB

[Naddred369]

huhhuh,

My ex wanted to marry me and I had to put the brakes on,we were in round 2: 3months in and wanted a quick wedding.I told her to wait a full year before I would agree( after the first 4 years I knew she needed to prove herself to me).

We split 7 months later.

Any marriage was just a control tactic.I beleive I will find her engaged and married to my replacement in short order and it will hurt.

BUT... .

1: He will be legally stuck with BPD hell and all the legal ramifications thereoff! (thats revenge enough for me)

2: Thank the Gods it wasnt me legally stuck with that abusive BPD numpty! ( Im a mess already, couyldnt cope with a failed marriage to her!)

These people DO NOT CHANGE PERSONALLITY with the new guy... .hes doomed!hes roadkill! hell be on this board in a year!

Stay strong, keep posting.it helps.

[ScotisGone74]

This is sad news to have to bear, so my thoughts are with you during this time.    My BPD ex was engaged and then married after approximately two months from the end of debacle of our R/S.    And, like you, I found this out from looking at her FB page, the sick part in my case is that she had her new Beau block me on FB, so I couldn't see all their pictures together, but of course everyone else could.  Just sickening is the only way that I can describe it.  Now they have a child together.   They both made their own beds, they can now sleep in it-  Honestly I feel sorry for the new Mr. X-but he also has some issues of his own to marry a person within a couple of months.     Remembering to when I saw all this happening I realize I suffered from PTSD during all this going on, just beside myself as to how someone could do that, what to do, what to say, sheesh.   

BPD's have to have their feelers out at all times for new prey.   Accept that we too got caught in their web, but are now out, and the new Mr/Mrs. Whoever will most certainly find out soon enough. 

[gettingoverit]

Oh man I totally feel for ya. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I too had to watch while my xBPDgf married my "friend" (the one who stabbed me in the back to get to her). At first it really hurt, then I thought things through. Although I wanted to marry her, there was a reason why I didn't. We were together for 6.5 years and every spring she would end the relationship saying she was not happy, then we would reconcile two maybe three weeks later. She proved to me time and again that she could not commit to any long term relationship. How can you build a life long marriage on that? My gut told not to marry her until she proved herself... .which she never did. I am so glad I listened to my gut. Although our break up was very difficult and painful, not marrying her saved me a lot more pain, heartache and money.

Let's think about this in a logical manner shall we. What kind of person agrees to marry someone who they have just gotten involved with and who has just left their previous relationship? Not someone healthy and mature. Let's admit it, we were all seduced by the adulation our exes gave us at the beginning, but something told us that there was something "off", and we chose not to proceed to marry these women even though they begged and pleaded for our commitment before they were willing to prove theirs (or their inability to commit in most cases).  You have nothing to envy of your replacement. He got conned and will over time pay for his indisgrestion, and will most likely suffer more so then you did. To make matters worse, now that they have children, he will forever be tied to crazy. Can you think of anything worse than that when it comes to our exes? I am almost three years out, and I can promise you the pain that you feel now will not last forever. You will move on and meet someone who is worthy of you and your crazy ex will become a distant memory. You will be glad you never married the psycho. You dodged a bullet my friend.

[huhhuh]

Thanks for your comments. It helps to read them.

Yeah, I dodged a bullet for sure. She was crazy and still is.  She was very narcissistic and   i am not in doubt that the new husband is struggling with her disorder. I still miss her though. She was great company when she had her good periods. But good periods don't last with these kind of people. I have learnt that.

[santa]

Sounds like a bad day... .for the replacement. He'll be stuck with her forever. You'll be over this eventually, but he's stuck.

[DivorcedNon]

You had a bad day yesterday. It may be even worse today and next few days. You feel that way because you are a human with human feelings. However, when the BPD induced drug gets out of your system you will be glad that she has another host and that it is not you! Personally, I cannot wait for my xBPDw to get married to my replacement.

Focus on yourself. Do not get involved with another woman with BPD and be aware that there are many of them out there! They could be more fun than the healthy and normal women but they are also dangerous and could be even deadly.

Another thing: Delete your Facebook account! Obviously it is a source of pain for you.

Best wishes

[DivorcedNon]

Sounds like a bad day... .for the replacement. He'll be stuck with her forever. You'll be over this eventually, but he's stuck.

santa,

this guy may not be stuck forever! He may figure it out after a while.

[santa]

Sounds like a bad day... .for the replacement. He'll be stuck with her forever. You'll be over this eventually, but he's stuck.

santa,

this guy may not be stuck forever! He may figure it out after a while.

LOL... .but he'll have to pay $$$$ for his mistake.

[DivorcedNon]

Sounds like a bad day... .for the replacement. He'll be stuck with her forever. You'll be over this eventually, but he's stuck.

santa,

this guy may not be stuck forever! He may figure it out after a while.

LOL... .but he'll have to pay $$$$ for his mistake.

That is for sure

[bruisedbattered]

I got replaced at New Year so almost a year.

No real closure.

I found out she was married by looking at her facebook. no pictures. But I'm sure it will come. Now I just need to promise myself not to check her facebook ever again. The dream I hoped for will never happen. The life I hoped for can't happen and will never happen.

I just miss her and still love her. But it can't happen

Did you really dream of being abused forever?   Is that the life you hoped for a a child?  Remember, she is the child that is incapable of any real love... .    If you think there is any hope in hell that her replacement will fare any better, then guess again.  You are soo better off!  He is in for misery, especially if they bring children into the world...      Lets for the sake of any future children hope not.   Be Strong!  You will find real true love!

[TwoCents]

When I met my uNPD ex wife's former husband at a party, back when she and I were still married, I remember sort of grumbling to him about her.  I didn't have any diagnosis for her at the time.  She just seemed controlling, manipulative, abusive and to have inappropriate boundaries with men all the time.  I expected that, of all people, he would commiserate with me about her antics.  Instead, he turned to me and kind of blithely told me "better you than me" and went about the party.  End of conversation.  I just stood there kind of shocked.  At that point I realized how deep I was in that situation and that it really couldn't be fixed.  So in the end I have little doubt that it will turn out to be better that the replacement has to now deal with her rather than you.

[vangirl60]

Huhhuh- I could have written your post word for word. I guarantee I wake up Christmas morning to find out that uBPDex is engaged. I will be landing right here. It's going to be a rough day when I hear that news.

[BlushAndBashful]

I have to second the notion that this is not forever, and most likely will not be long lasting. Marriage is not "happily ever after and they rode off into the sunset", especially not for a pwBPD.

I was wife #3. His longest marriage was 2 years long. I entered our marriage fully committed to "til death do us part". I was going to make this work. He had other plans. He got mad after 2 weeks and screamed he wanted a divorce, and our marriage was over after 10 months.

I realize that doesn't take away the sting, and it must be brutal on you. I'm so very sorry.   Just please realize that it isn't what it seems.

[happylogist]

Just from the reading, I feel that many expect their exes to get marry to their replacements. In the context of BPD, this is the only thing that makes sense - the intuitive expectation that they would marry to someone immediately and unexpectedly.  I personally find some solace in this: it gives more explanation about the conditions of our exes and also explains why our efforts to keep the relationship did not give any results. So why do you think someone else is different than you or you are more different than others? We are all the same for uBPD, special at that very moment, but not fulfilling at the end, who needs to be replaced to make them feel better.  Just a consumerist love, who needs that?

[imstronghere2]

So, I'll chime in.  For those that aren't familiar, I was married for 19 years.  She started an affair with what is now her next husband (victim) in April 2011.  Supposedly he wanted her to divorce me after 3 weeks into their affair.  He's as NPD as you can get.  She moved out July 29, 2011 and I have a picture from her phone that she took in her apartment bathroom where she wrote "Will you marry me (npd)?" on her mirror and sent that to him 6 DAYS AFTER SHE MOVED OUT!   We divorced Oct. 14th, 2011.  She married that SOB on Oct. 26, 2012 and they waited a year simply because HE WAS ALSO MARRIED and his divorce wasn't final until Oct. 22, 2012.  Divorced on Monday and re-married on Friday.  He's on at least his 3rd marriage now and it's her 3rd marriage.

How's THAT for crazy?   YUK!

Huhhuh - Count your blessings.   Be thankful she's gone.  Just NEVER look back.

[winston3]

huhhuh I'm sorry to hear, but perhaps hearing news of the marriage IS the closure that you need to detach and take care of yourself.

I have an ex that has really been back and forth with me for years. But she did provide me with closure even though that was after months of just me being devalued. Now she has a new boyfriend and I of course imagine that the new BF is perfect for my BPDex. Like IronMan said though this new guy will soon have to face what you went through. (or if he doesn't... .maybe she got treatment?)

[Pretty Woman]

Happylogist,

     Well said my friend. Well said.