How can you cope when you are the release valve and caregiver?

[copeland]

Does anyone out there have a method or way of dealing with your own emotions or making things better with your partner when you are a release valve for everything?  My uBPD fiancee is going through a lot of stress (mother is terminal with cancer, school, etc.), on top of being overtired from work, holidays, and life in general.  When she is like this, she is very prone to blaming me and shutting down our relationship - not speaking, accepting anything from me, not doing her usual activities, and claiming that I don't love her or are willing to do anything in the relationship to make anything better.  She is very particular about my keeping house and other household work, and is always commenting and getting angry about things that I have not done, which she sees as a sign of disrespect and dumping on her.  I am not perfect (who is?   ), but I feel that the "to do" lists are huge - she has been shutting down more and more as the situation with her mother in particular deteriorates, and I have been trying to keep up, but I am feeling worn out and overwhelmed myself - I just finished a long contract job, which has kept me busy and out of town for a bit, and with time off I am trying to catch up but I am always missing something, "screwing up", or not getting to something (which she sees as dumping the job on her).  As well, I find that with her own work, she stays within her comfort zone, not taking on any "new" jobs (we are recent first-time homeowners), and although she would not admit it is sticking to a very traditional breakdown of work that she had growing up, with her jobs largely being centered on staying cloistered at home cooking, cleaning, and gardening, with mine being any heavy work, yard work, house maintenance, talking to outside people (plumbers, the bank, getting quotes, etc.), garbage/recycling, and errands (we live outside of town).  With her shutting down, however, I have been given some of her jobs as well (household work, organization, and the bulk of pet care), and I am getting stressed, as the smallest error can make her mad, and a number of things wrong/out of place/not done yet noticed in a short period of time can put here into anger and silence for days.  No amount of apologies or saying that I will do things make the situation better (she has heard all those lies before).  I feel sometimes that I am becoming the caregiver for both of our lives (I do contract work and am trying to finish an academic program as well), and that the work is always adding up more over time, and that I will never get everything "right".  Can anyone suggest something that has worked for them that will either make things better with my fiancee or at least take some of the stress and hurt off when her anger rises and I am basically left alone?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[sadeyes]

I am in a position of caregiver myself. It got heavy when he had a back injury, but the patter is set even though he is better. I am supposed to take care of everything. He wants me to do everything related to the house and even his personal care. His expectations are for me to pick out his clothes, carry his things ( coat, lunchbox etc) to the car. Make sure that he has everything he needs for work etc. He expects that I prepare his food and deliver it to him on a plate wherever he is in the house. Then, he leaves the plate for me to come pick up. He has awoken me in the middle of the night to get him a drink or prepare him a snack. I have even been asked to bathe him ( yes, soap on cloth & scrub) and physically put his socks on etc. It actually sickens me. I am trying to get him back doing his own stuff, but its very difficult!

[allibaba]

Copeland,

Figure out what absolutely has to get done... .and what can slip.

I was in the same place as sadeyes where my husband had ankle surgery and I took on all of the work.  At some point he had gotten better and 'me doing everything' was the new norm and was what he expected and I was totally exhausted.  

I have reallocated a lot of things back onto my husband.  The way to reallocate them is two fold:  1.  ask for help if you are doing something and need help 2.  make it clear if you can't get caught up on something.  If I do these things and my husband chooses not to help... .well in some cases things will just slip.  

I am wholly unapologetic these days if I have been clear up from about what I can and cannot manage.  My husband has good days and he has bad days... .doing everything for him... .being a crutch... .really was making him worse in the long run.  It makes me worse as well because I get resentful and then I can't be as good of a spouse!  Not doing house chores isn't going to save your wife from the stress of what is happening with her mom and its not going to make her better.

The key to all of this is to be loving to her throughout, being honest and not trying to play superman... .she may be mad but at least you won't feel as beaten down... . Its worked well for me so far and my husband is starting to take responsibility for himself again (yay).

[allibaba]

Can I also ask... .how do you react when she gets mad?  Your reaction can actually play a key role in how things will develop in your relationship.

What do you do to take care of yourself when she gets mad?

No amount of apologies or saying that I will do things make the situation better (she has heard all those lies before). 

Apologizing and saying that I would make it all better was a tact that I took for about 5 yrs.  Its only in the last year that I changed course... .and became realistic about who I am and what I want our life to look like.  This requires completely abandoning the caretaking role... .which is really hard at first.  For me I only started changing the dynamic of our relationship because things had gotten INCREDIBLY, INCREDIBLY bad and I had tried everything else that I could think of.