I think I have to leave.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Over the last few years drinking has been added to the equation.

After an embarrassing episode two weeks ago she promised... no more.

On the strength of that we went ahead with plans to visit grandchildren (4 and 8yrs) and take care of them while parents went  on vacation.  My son was apprehensive but I gave him some assurance based on her promise.

Things have been stressful for us but gone well for 36 hours.

Tonight she got inebriated, confused and mean toward me and used "hit" in front of kids. They appeared to ignore it.

She pulled herself together enough to read to them before bed which is happening as I write this.

I'm scared. Don't know how to handle. Not many options. Can't leave. Don't want to ruin the vacation for my son and his wife. I believe I have to muddle through this and move to the Leaving Board.  Any advise on how to leave safely?  She's a terror and a very bad actor. No control when she disregulates. Should I level with her when we get back? Or should I pack a back and leave before she realizes I m going? (somewhere I read that it can be dangerous to signal leaving.) any advise would be appreciated. Thanks Theo

[Theo41]

Over the last few years drinking has been added to the equation.

After an embarrassing episode two weeks ago she promised... no more.

On the strength of that we went ahead with plans to visit grandchildren (4 and 8yrs) and take care of them while parents went  on vacation.  My son was apprehensive but I gave him some assurance based on her promise.

Things have been stressful for us but gone well for 36 hours.

Tonight she got inebriated, confused and mean toward me and used "hit" in front of kids. They appeared to ignore it.

She pulled herself together enough to read to them before bed which is happening as I write this.

I'm scared. Don't know how to handle. Not many options. Can't leave. Don't want to ruin the vacation for my son and his wife. I believe I have to muddle through this and move to the Leaving Board.  Any advise on how to leave safely?  She's a terror and a very bad actor. No control when she disregulates. Should I level with her when we get back? Or should I pack a back and leave before she realizes I m going? (somewhere I read that it can be dangerous to signal leaving.) any advise would be appreciated. Thanks Theo

[The Mrs]

Oh Theo41, it just pained me to read your post.  For me, it wasn't until I saw my husband's behavior, through the eyes of our grandchildren, that I finally had the courage to leave after 25 years of marriage.  It has been 4 months now since I left.  I did not give him any advance notice.  I had tried for years to get him to see counselors and follow through with visits to psychiatrists and doctors.  Each time he would simply find fault with everybody else and continue to self medicate with alcohol and marijuana.  It finally got to a point where I couldn't do it with another generation of children.  I tried talking with him about my leaving and our taking a break to sort things out, since he blamed me for everything, one moment he would say ok, the next he would say you aren't f 'ing going anywhere.  At that point , I new I would have to leave without advance notice.  I can't say what is best for you, there are people here far more experienced and wise than me.  I do know that my counselor did say to me this week, however, that it would only make sense to go back if I was going back to be his wife not just his caretaker.  All too often in these border line relationships we simply end up care taking.  I wish you the best, keep posting, keep processing, you are not alone here. 

[Theo41]

Thanks so much Mrs.    Reading your post had a calming effect on me. I'm not alone. Here's another person in a very similar situation who has successfully transitioned out of it. What about the legal aspect. My thought is that I don't want to go there. Just want to live by myself. Did you se a lawyer as well as a counselor?

[sadeyes]

Hi Theo,

Sorry you are having you are suffering right now. I am committed to staying for now, but I know if I decide to leave it will have to be by surprise.

My suggestion would be to try to make it during the time you are away. Don't make things worse by engaging with her. When you get home, I would get a plan together. Get copies of important documents that you may need. If you have any non replaceable things (photos and the like) get  them to a friends/familys house. I know my pwBPD might destroy things to hurt me. I would also suggest having a consult with an attorney. There may be things you need to do from a legal point of view to protect your rights.

Also, a therapist is never a bad idea!

Hang in there.

[Pearl55]

I'm sorry you have a hard time. When I decided to end our marriage and still I was confused because I didn't know about his issues before and I told him about it. That caused many troubles for me and he trapped me more financially and I nearly destroyed myself through the processes. Please be aware that you need a lawyer who know what is doing. You've got to be very well prepared and possibly if you have some good friends they can help you with the process. You will be very emotional but your wife's feelings are very different from yours. Best of luck. 

[The Mrs]

Hello again, at the suggestion of my counselor I did consult with an attorney about a month after I left.  Most attorneys will offer a free consultation, as this one did.  In my case, we are now living in a state different than where we were married and I wanted to find out how that might affect things, going forward.  I didn't leave with the intention of getting a divorce, in 25 years of marriage and 26 years together I had never threatened to leave or walked out.  I was hoping this would be the wake up call that he needed, as he has alienated his adult children and extended family.  But, I've come to realize, well actually, I really knew it all along, I just wasn't being emotionally honest with myself, this was the wake up call I needed!  I have spent half my life in this situation.  I had allowed myself to become a shell of the strong, vibrant, fun, funny, fabulous, loving, deserving of love, confident self I use to be.  I always knew that if I ever learned I had some sort of terminal illness or something I could not stay and heal in my  own home, with my husband, because try as I might, there was always some kind of chaos/crisis/calamity brewing.  For all my efforts of peaceful music, candles, great meals, house always picked up and in order, kids well taken care of, etc., he would find fault with something and the rein of terror would begin.  It's when I realized that we are all dying just a little bit each day, that I realized I needed to start living and breathing a little more easily and deeply each day.   

But believe me, I am in no way successfully through this.  Like anything, it's a process, one step, one day at a time.  Some days are better, some days are worse.  I just have to remind myself to keep moving forward and not to be too hard on myself.  I allowed someone else to do that for far too long!  Talk to a therapist, talk to an attorney, talk to others who have been there and are there.  There are many facets to this and there are great resources on this site!

[Theo41]

Thanks again Mrs, also Sad eyes, and Pearl for your responses. Your experience and your shared words mean more than you know. THEO

[GreenMango]

Theo

Being undecided can take a toll on your emotions.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111890.0 there's a step by step guide to helping come to a decision that works for you. 

Have you gone thru some of these?  Where do you think you are now?

[Aussie0zborn]

Hi Theo, that's quite a dilemma you have there but not uncommon by any means. We have discussed this many times here before so you might take a look around and see if anything resonates with you.

I would suggest you prepare an exit plan. Consult with a lawyer first, remove valuables from the house, copy all essential documents, take what you need because there will be no going back to get your stuff later when she has a restraining order against you. And then one day you take a truck, load your things and disappear when she is not at home.  It will save you the grief of any physical altercations for which YOU will be arrested and charged for (regardless of who hits who). Leaving like this will save you a lot of unpleasantness and allow you to heal faster.

[Surnia]

  Theo

Many good advices here, yes, its good to be informed and having a strategy once you are found your decision. This link could be helpful too.

[Theo41]

Thanks so much for your advise Greenmango, Aussie and Surnia. I'm working through the decision making process and putting a plan together. As usual, after a serious blow up,things have been pretty normal/she's not been drinking and on her best behavior since the last incident... .thank God particularly since we are still caring for the children. We head home at end of month. Thanks again to all above. Your support and advise is deeply appreciated!  All best for the New Year. Theo

[Surnia]

Same to you, Theo, I wish you all the best, what ever you need and wish for yourself and your family. Take care!

[letmeout]

My advice through experience is to plan well before you leave. Surprise departure is the way to go, but take everything with you that you need or want.  

The same day I left (with just some clothes) my ex went into retaliation mode and immediately quit his job (so I couldn't get support or have health insurance), cashed in all the policies, emptied our accounts, cashed out his 401K and hid the assets.

Even through the courts, getting half of what we accumulated over 35 years of marriage was impossible. His insane need and plotting for vengeance prevented any kind of equitable division. If I had to do it all over again though I would. The peace and tranquility in my life now is priceless. He thought he won it all, but I won my life back!

Be prepared for the smear campaign, the false stories a BPD person conjures up if you abandon them are beyond incredible. Then again, my ex was extreme BPD... .

Remember most that no contact with a BPD ex is vitally important for you to move on!