Driving and criticism

[foggydew]

When we drive anywhere, I come in for a lot of criticism, am told how badly I drive etc (I don't, last husband always felt safe with me etc) - that in itself is annoying, but what is really problematic is that he tells me what to do, when to change gear etc, when to overtake, brake ... in very busy and stressful conditions. I don't do it, I follow what I know is right, but I often feel very much under stress because the traffic or weather situation is challenging enough without a raging monster beside me. In calmer situations I've told him he can get out and walk if he's not happy or if he doesn't shut up ... but it is the stressful and potentially dangerous situations that really bother me. Any advice?

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[comorbidspouse]

Oh I know all about this one!

I usually try to have HIM drive when he's in a foul mood, since no matter what I do, it's going to be wrong. It's just easier for me that way. Does yours drive? Maybe you could try that, or avoid driving with him when he's cranky!

It is definitely stressful when you have to think on your feet and you've got a backseat driver making you second guess yourself!

[foggydew]

He's just lost his driving licence, so no chance of that. And he doesn't set off cranky, it just seems to trigger it. With really stupid behaviour, like urging me to get into a skid by using the handbrake when it's snowy, or overtake where it's just plain dangerous, or he stirs the gear lever when we are at rest to make me understand how badly I do it ... .Maybe it is the stress of not being in control himself. How do you know when yours is cranky, anyway? Sorry you have to cope with this too!

[comorbidspouse]

That sucks

I can usually tell with mine because he'll be complaining about things I'm doing before we even leave the house. I guess it depends on the person! With me, it might be something like, he hasn't washed the dishes in weeks but complains that I left a plate on the sink - warning sign! Sorry you're having trouble with yours

[RedRose15]

I can relate to this as well.  It is so frustrating!

At first I would just ignore his comments about my BAD driving (he's the one who has scratches on his car, and the one who gets the speeding fines).  But, last weekend I was so annoyed when he started on me again, picking on my driving.  I said to him, bf I suggest you dont go down this road and keep picking on my driving, because I'm getting really annoyed at you.  Then he tried to make a joke saying how it's not a good thing to annoy me.  I was deadly serious and said, No it's not a good thing to upset me, and considering your driving record, if you keep picking on me, I will give it back, only difference is, it will be the truth. So, it's up to you, keep going and next time you're driving, I will do the same to you.

Well, he was super nice to me all that night, which I was surprised about, because normally he holds a grudge if I stick up for myself.  He drove home that night, and I couldn't help myself when he drove in a way that I felt unsafe (normally I dont say anything and try not to do tit for tat like he does), but I just repeated one of his comments he had said to me earlier.

But, as for the driving, I don't know if he will stop putting me down, because I haven't driven him anywhere since that night, yet. 

But I also wonder, why they do this.  I thought he was trying to put me down for some reason.

[hergestridge]

I have set a firm boundary with this one. When my wife starts to comment/complain about my driving (*when I'm driving* that is), then I just pull over to side of the road until she's stopped. It doesn't matter if we're in a hurry or what the situation is.

The reason I do this is that her behavior is making me frustrated and angry, and a driver shouldn't be upset when driving a vehicle.

The days when she's doing this is when she's ___g about more or less everything else that she isn't in control of, so it's not that I'm a bad driver. On days like that I wouldn't trust her to drive either. She's get scared and lose control far too easily.

Somewhat paradoxically, there's a thread somehwere on this board by a woman whose BPD spouse used to rage at her while driving, while the "non" felt trapped in the passenger seat! I couldn't help but think to my self; "I hope that woman didn't try to tell her BPD husband how to drive!"    Seriously, pissing off the driver when driving isn't a good idea, BPD or not.

[waverider]

I have set a firm boundary with this one. When my wife starts to comment/complain about my driving (*when I'm driving* that is), then I just pull over to side of the road until she's stopped. It doesn't matter if we're in a hurry or what the situation is.

The reason I do this is that her behavior is making me frustrated and angry, and a driver shouldn't be upset when driving a vehicle.

The days when she's doing this is when she's ___g about more or less everything else that she isn't in control of, so it's not that I'm a bad driver. On days like that I wouldn't trust her to drive either. She's get scared and lose control far too easily.

Somewhat paradoxically, there's a thread somehwere on this board by a woman whose BPD spouse used to rage at her while driving, while the "non" felt trapped in the passenger seat! I couldn't help but think to my self; "I hope that woman didn't try to tell her BPD husband how to drive!"    Seriously, pissing off the driver when driving isn't a good idea, BPD or not.

This a good boundary and far better than getting into a tit for tat. Arguing and conflict in a car is a no no, as they have your undivided attention.

[Hope26]

While I realize there is nothing funny about a topic that has to do with safety, I had to laugh at all the commonalities that our pwBPD's seem to have.  Especially when Comorbidspouse said 'I know all about this one!'  Me too!  And again I am learning but still coming up with more questions.  Are they all 'control freaks' and so can't stand it when someone else is behind the wheel in the car?  It seems like several of you feel that your spouse is not as good a driver as you are, yet you are the one that gets criticized when driving. You probably feel that you 'aren't allowed' to criticize their driving.  We have reached the point where he drives all the time, because he wants to be in control and I don't want/need the criticism.  Yet when he's in a grouchy mood, which the stress of big-city driving often precipitates, he swears, drives too fast, tailgates the car in front of him, and in general scares me.  He has run red lights on occasion as well.  I wonder how many pwBPD's are good drivers, and again, I wonder how many are 'control freaks'.

[foggydew]

Pw BPD is sometimes a good, careful driver, sometimes inattentive or aggressive, and sometimes downright stupid. He nearly killed himself on a motorbike once. I do think that he needs to feel in control in order to feel safe, and  his outbursts are an attempt to deal with this ... in the wrong way. He is very controlling and can be very verbally abusive. I never criticise his driving - unless he is being stupid -and I mean provocatively silly and dangerous. Then I ask him to stop and let me drive (if it's my car, which it usually is). I've often been on the verge of telling him to get out, but he is alway at his worst when this is physically or legally impossible (motorways, busy juctions, etc) and when I have high stress levels caused by the situation.  He always tells me what he would do in the situation, urges me to accelerate to overtake in dangerous situations, swears at the other drivers, etc. I attempt to ignore the lot. I don't want to engage in any way in such a situation.

Yes pwBPD's seem to have a tremendous number of similarities. I wonder if we do too? :-)

[SweetCharlotte]

I wonder how many pwBPD's are good drivers, and again, I wonder how many are 'control freaks'.

I've been spared this type of behavior, but I can understand how it could happen. My uBPDh hasn't driven in over ten years. He feels incapable of it because of back trouble that makes one foot go numb. He has never owned a car and has only driven sporadically in the remote past (his twenties and thirties). He criticizes many things about me when he is dysregulating, but never my driving. I guess he needs to believe in it or he would feel too unsafe. Whenever I ask him about it, he literally pats me on the back and says I am an excellent driver. Yay--that means I can go on being his chauffeuse. Lucky me.

He likes to request to be driven places, like the mall to buy clothing. In my town there are many suburban strip malls, while he lives in an urban setting and takes public transport everywhere, but there are no big-box stores he can reach easily (we have a commuter marriage). Thus, when he is staying with me, it's time to be driven to Target, etc. He only gets touchy in the car if we are driving somewhere my kids or I need to go, somewhere that is not his choice. It's never about my driving but about something else, such me not respecting him enough. We've had a few occasions where he has opened the door while the car was in motion, which is confusing and terrifying. My kids have never forgotten it. I think if it ever happens again, I will do the pull-over bit as h-ridge describes and wait until he calms down.

[waverider]

It's not so much control freaks, as black and white thinking. There is a right way and a wrong way, no compromises. Lack of consistency means they can think, and talk what they believe to be the "right way", but that doesn't mean they can achieve their own version of the right way. Failing their own standards brings out their aggression, which may be about themselves, but is projected onto others. So it is someone else's fault they can't go about things they want to. >>"You made me do that".

"You made me run that red light", "You nearly made me hit that car"

[allibaba]

I have firm boundaries on this now... .so so so grateful.  I have endured so many horrible drives with my uBPD husbands... .ones where he was driving raging... .ones where I was driving and he was raging.  The last one of these we had was back in AUGUST.

If he is driving and raging I request to be let out of the car.  If I am driving... .I'll pull over and will not go anywhere until he calms down. 

Like hergestridge, these boundaries are firm... .doesn't matter what is going on, where I need to be, how cold it is outside, or how inconvenient it is... .don't care... .the world will just have to wait.

[Grey Kitty]

I feel for you here. I'm in a different situation.

My wife is an excellent driver, very defensive, and very good at remembering places she's been and navigating. I'm a good driver, but not as defensive, my concentration wanders a little more, and often miss turns (relatively).

I used to get a lot of invalidating comments about my driving, or her just worrying that I was driving a few miles over the limit more than she would have, and even now if I get a comment like that, it pisses me off. I would usually stop and tell her I'm done driving.

hergestridge and allibaba's boundaries sound great.

The worse issue we had was while doing longer drives together on the highway, we would just start talking... .and somehow or other, the conversation would veer off into dangerous territory... .and if I was driving, I didn't have enough concentration while driving to catch the situation before I said something invalidating... .and started a big ugly fight.

My new boundary is not to talk about contentious issues while I'm on a long drive. I think it has saved me a fair bit of grief.