Advice on Recording Behavior. . .

[pale-blue-eyes]

So I finally reached a snapping point, couldn't handle the constant terrorizing from my pwBPDH and said I wanted a divorce. I really mean it, but at the same time should have taken the time to detach. Stuck in a lease for another 4 months w/ H and totally flat broke so really can't act on it yet. However I feel I need to protect myself and get some tangible proof of how he treats me. In court would a journal be enough? H will just say I made everything up. Are voice recordings better? The problem I have is I don't know when he's going to flip out and can't keep a recorder handy or running all the time. I need something though because H is so out of touch with reality, does one thing one minute and literally denies it the next. Just can't take it anymore and finally admitted to myself that he's not capable of changing, no matter how much I hope he can he just can't/won't.

[fromheeltoheal]

If you really want to get stealth and high tech, you can install video cameras that wirelessly transmit to your computer and record audio and video on the hard drive, and they can be started with a small remote, that way, in the heat of the moment, you can hit record and let the crazy happen.  There's some expense involved of course, and you said you were broke, but maybe there's a way to have a voice recorder, or even your smartphone, ready to go so you can start it when needed.

So many times I'd wished I'd recorded a phone call or got some video of a situation while I was in the relationship, just to play it back to her to prove her denials and distortions were crap.  That was my sanity screaming to be heard, which I never questioned, but her complete disregard for what really happened or what was said was seriously crazymaking; no resolution to anything, ever.

I think a journal will help you keep your thoughts straight, but I don't think it will carry much weight in court; it would be a he said-she said situation, which it always is, but at least yours would be accurate if you write an entry right after something happens.  Good luck with that!

[santa]

This was suggested to me several times and I never did it. Do I wish I had? Not really. We weren't married though. I saw some pretty messed up things. 

It probably would be a good idea. Don't taunt him with it if you do it though. Just save it until you need it.

I don't think playing the tapes as a warning/lesson would teach him anything and it could make him flip out on you/do something crazy.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

So I finally reached a snapping point, couldn't handle the constant terrorizing from my pwBPDH and said I wanted a divorce. I really mean it, but at the same time should have taken the time to detach. Stuck in a lease for another 4 months w/ H and totally flat broke so really can't act on it yet. However I feel I need to protect myself and get some tangible proof of how he treats me. In court would a journal be enough? H will just say I made everything up. Are voice recordings better? The problem I have is I don't know when he's going to flip out and can't keep a recorder handy or running all the time. I need something though because H is so out of touch with reality, does one thing one minute and literally denies it the next. Just can't take it anymore and finally admitted to myself that he's not capable of changing, no matter how much I hope he can he just can't/won't.

I wished I had recorded my BPD rages. It would have been so easy with phones these days but was always too distraut to think of it.

In my divorce not from BPD. This was 20 years ago but I was under the impression that voice recordings are illegal and not admissible. For some reason video with no sound is though. I could be wrong or law may have changed or vary from state to state.

I will tell you though in my divorce which included abuse. My attorney had me journal exact dates and detailed descriptions of what happened and I testified to those. Yes it is a he said she said situation but without a doubt if you give exact dates and even times it lends to the credibility of your story instead of the vague accusations and ridiculous scenarios that he gave that just didn't seem plausible. We had to go to trial and it really did help.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

There are free aps that will record your phone calls. Even if you can't use it in a court of law it may help if he knows you have it later. Not like blackmail or anything but to protect you from retribution from him if needed.

[MrFox]

I know a guy who has children with his exBPD wife.  He carries a small audio recording device when ever he has to deal with her.  It looks like a writing pen.  Whether or not something like that carries any weight in court, I honestly have no idea but it couldn't hurt to have.

[heartandwhole]

pale-blue-eyes,

I like the journal idea.  If you write down what happened, including your feelings, right after the incident, it will help you even if it isn't ultimately helpful in a court case (I don't know for which kind of cases they are admissible).

Recording conversations without consent of both parties is illegal in some states, so check out your local laws.

Why do you feel you have to document his behavior?

[broken3]

I recorded everything from a pocket recorder, and my iphone.

You cant use it in court. But it can be played to therapists, councellors, cps, your lawyer. And sometimes the cops if they request it.

It quickly puts and end to the lies and exagerations.

Then all those who now know what the truth is. Can help you in court.

[pale-blue-eyes]

Thanks for all the suggestions (sorry for my long absence from this sight). I feel I need to document his behavior because he is delusional on top of everything, and I'm being serious about this. He has hidden recorders in random places and any (even the most faint sound like a light or tv buzzing) he says is me cheating on him somehow. Today for instance he put his phone on record and left it by the bed while I was sleeping, his friend stayed the night over because he was too tipsy to drive and my H swears on his life that he can hear me and his friend having sex in the recording he took, never mind the fact that I was never alone with him, we live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment, and that my husband was around the whole time. he says that we somehow snuck into the bathroom and had sex multiple times and he can hear the whole thing including conversation. It is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard he is so out of touch with reality that it is honestly getting scary.  Really he's doing most of the work for me, he says he's going to use the recordings in court to "prove" how horrible I am and to "prove" he is right. If you could hear the recording you would think it was hysterical (or really scary/sad) because there is literally no voices, just the faintest background noise you could imagine (as I said I was sleeping) So anyway ya thanks for the suggestions, It looks that I need to be preparing myself for a very nasty divorce so I am collecting all my posts on this site and on the TAM forums as well so hopefully they will help and provide a sort of time line ( I have been posting for over a year). Thanks again, I'm just so upset with myself that I totally ignored that little voice from the very beginning that knew something just wasn't quite right.

[Sadsue]

I keep a daily journal as well as a secret photo app, there are loads available.  I then take pictures of the damaged caused by his rages, broken chairs, broken photos, food throwing, plate smashing, holes in walls, things knocked over - I have photo evidence of it all - for the time being I don't plan on leaving him but if ever I do I have it all documented and photo evidence.

[ogopogodude]

video tape and audio tape.

It is actually very easy to do, ... . but one must practice doing it.

Without my recordings, ... . I would not have custody of our two kids, ... . nor a court ordered paper getting the nutty temper ridden rage-er out of the house so us normal calm people could reside there... .

They are great pieces of evidence and fantastic leverage (ie blackmail, or whatever you want to call it, ... . extortion, ... . )

Bottom line: no adult show ever rage.  It is my opinion that any temper ridden rage-er belongs in one of three places on this planet: a jail cell, ... . a rubber-lined room in a psychiatric ward wearing a strait jacket ... . or to be dropped off in a little island in the pacific (just like Tom Hanks in the movie Cast-away so that if that BPD person wants to yell at somebody he/she could scream at a volleyball).

[ogopogodude]

don't let the ... . "it's illegal"... . stop you

You have a right to record anything you want to... .

What do you think is going to happen? The video police are going to arrest you? yeah right.

If you want to record your life in every detail from the minute you get up to take a pee, ... . to the moment you lay down your head at night (and even during your sleep) ... . you HAVE the right to video record anything you want to... . (Hmm Big Brother reality show ring a bell?)

It is what you do with this video content that may or may not be "allowed" in any court proceedings. It is not illegal, ... maybe just not allowed as evidence.

I sent a few strategic people an audio clip (not a video clip as it was too disturbing as well s too big a file to be sent via the internet) of my wife's rages. When she tried to get those persons on "her side" they just shut her down immediately.

I got my items of evidence "thru the back door". Take the evidence to CPS (if you have children involved). CPS will immediately be on your side. All they care about is the safety of a child. A home is and must be at all times a sanctuary for any child. If there is yelling and screaming, etc this is a form of abuse and the temper ridden parent can be taken out of the equation by a very damaging CPS report. It worked very nicely in my case.

My (ex)wife and her lawyer know that their case is ... . well... . screwed because of the existence of my documentation.  My evidence immediately quashes any sort of her wanting custody issues.  It works even better if you can convince and train your kids to video tape as well.

[ogopogodude]

I keep a daily journal as well as a secret photo app, there are loads available.  I then take pictures of the damaged caused by his rages, broken chairs, broken photos, food throwing, plate smashing, holes in walls, things knocked over - I have photo evidence of it all - for the time being I don't plan on leaving him but if ever I do I have it all documented and photo evidence.

I think you do plan on leaving him. Or you are at least videotaping for purposes of trying to show him (or friends/family of yours/his) that his behaviour is totally unacceptable as an adult (or for that matter as a creature on this planet). And if he says "huh? what to u mean? I act normal... " You have evidence to the contrary.

[ogopogodude]

I am such an advocate of documentation. It actually bewilders me that someone won't video tape or audiotape their loved one's behaviour.

But I have to be very careful not to trigger emotions here, ... as I do not want a lecture from any moderators or ambassadors as this is a site to find peace and calm and to heal. I am in the process of healing from this BPD nonsense.

So, ... let's get back to the topic: Advice on recording:

The only reason (which isn't a very good one) not to do this is that one is scared, ... scared to "get caught", scared what he/she may do if they discover themselves being documented, etc. The only other reason I can think of is also guilt (of perhaps betraying your loved one, ... .but remember, ... they are actually betraying YOU with their behaviour as well as not committing to therapy to self-betterment).

If you get caught, ... run away, ... with the evidence…. take it with you…... it is the documentation they want, … not you.  

It the BPD-rage'er wants it back, ... say ... . "tough noogies" ... "it is in a safe place". Could this incite another rage in them? Well, ... yes ... it could. But they are going to rage anyway, ... given time. Count on it. So, why not archive it... ?

Here comes another ogopogodude analogy:  If a UFO came landing into your backyard, ... would you just stand there like a dumb-ee and stare in disbelief, ... then "tell" about your experience to others later? … H** no, … this is the year 2014.--->:)ocument it, for God's sake.

Everybody videotapes, …. My teenagers take "self-ies" all the time, every day for that matter, with their friends etc, ... then send via their cell phones to laugh about goofy faces they make, etc….

If any body wants help re: this topic I am a self proclaimed expert on documentation. Private message me about the make and model of my windshield-mounted "car cam", etc.

But, i am not however, no where near an expert on all this validation stuff of a BPD/S.O.'s emotions, etc. This takes a lot of patience and time,… something that for now I do not have a lot of….

I am just a victim (as I see it) as are my children of unwarranted behaviour and I am here to heal. I have made a promise to myself and to my children that they will never witness a rage again in our lifetime.