Switching over

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I don't know when the boards split, but I just noticed it.  I agree with other posters that I'd like to be able to post on both since I feel like I'm in a phase of in-between with my family, and I do think that many people could be able to support people on both boards if they so chose.  Since I'm not working on the twelve steps and my relationship with my family is basically dying, I'm probably better fit over here.

I just wanted to introduce myself on this board for those who may not read the other Healing board.  My mom is uBPD and because of it I don't have any of my FOO left.  Our relationship has been deteriorating slowly as I moved out and started my own life.  She started to resent that I was doing things without her and in response has had less and less contact with me.  It really started snowballing at my nephew's birthday party a couple years ago.  I was 9 months pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy (my dr's had reason to believe I could have had a preemie).  My sister had to plan the party around my work schedule so I would be able to make it, and I told my sister that I would come so long as I wasn't in the hospital.  In a conversation with my mom about two weeks before the party, she told me, "Oh, if you don't feel good you don't have to come," to which I responded that I'd been feeling fine, and that I only wouldn't come if I was in labor.  I showed up to the party, exactly on time, and they had already opened presents and were just finishing up cake.  I was livid!  Hormonal and upset, I did my best not to explode, but as I went to leave, I asked my sister that if she was going to plan an event around my schedule, at least have the decency to wait for me to show up.  She lept up and started screaming at me that "Mom said you weren't coming!" I ended up having my sister, mom and dad all ganging up on me because I didn't call back multiple times to re-rsvp even though I had already told my sister I was going to come!  All three of them thought I was completely in the wrong, and no one was willing to place blame on my mom even though she just "decided" that I said I wasn't going to come.  It turned into a complete bash-on-me fest, where they all ganged up and told me all the things I've done "wrong" to them in the past.  I got so worked up that I literally started having contractions.  At a later date, my mom informed me that I "ruined" my nephew's birthday and they she and my sis "knew I was mad the moment I showed up because of the way I slammed my car door."  That is so ridiculous, especially since I didn't realize anything was up until I walked in the door.

Long story short, my husband and I had a big sit-down with my mom and dad where we tried to explain how we were feeling and we wanted to be treated with more respect.  You can probably imagine how that went.  I asked my mom what she wanted from me and after saying she didn't know for most of the conversation, she finally came up with she didn't want to talk to me on the phone (fully knowing we were going to be moving halfway across the country).  I asked her to figure out what she wanted from me and let me know when she figured it out.  I've heard very little from her since.  She's basically cut me out of her life except to contact me so she can send gifts to my kids, and she sent a text (she doesn't text anyone, so she's going out of her way to limit contact) on my birthday.

It hurts so much to know she would rather not have a relationship with me than to even try and meet me anywhere in between.  She always has been a her way or no way type.  My dad is so codependent that it's not possible to have a relationship with him without her, and my sister is so mad at me (she either has BPD also or she just picked up a lot of the same behaviors) that she's cut off contact with me (there's a good chance my mom has been feeding her untrue info too, she has in the past).  So when I say I feel like I'm in between, I still have some contact with them and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with them when it does come up, but I'm also breaking away from the relationship and preparing for the day I just don't hear from them anymore.  It's not necessarily what I wanted, but it's what I ended up with.

[Sitara]

I don't know when the boards split, but I just noticed it.  I agree with other posters that I'd like to be able to post on both since I feel like I'm in a phase of in-between with my family, and I do think that many people could be able to support people on both boards if they so chose.  Since I'm not working on the twelve steps and my relationship with my family is basically dying, I'm probably better fit over here.

I just wanted to introduce myself on this board for those who may not read the other Healing board.  My mom is uBPD and because of it I don't have any of my FOO left.  Our relationship has been deteriorating slowly as I moved out and started my own life.  She started to resent that I was doing things without her and in response has had less and less contact with me.  It really started snowballing at my nephew's birthday party a couple years ago.  I was 9 months pregnant with a high-risk pregnancy (my dr's had reason to believe I could have had a preemie).  My sister had to plan the party around my work schedule so I would be able to make it, and I told my sister that I would come so long as I wasn't in the hospital.  In a conversation with my mom about two weeks before the party, she told me, "Oh, if you don't feel good you don't have to come," to which I responded that I'd been feeling fine, and that I only wouldn't come if I was in labor.  I showed up to the party, exactly on time, and they had already opened presents and were just finishing up cake.  I was livid!  Hormonal and upset, I did my best not to explode, but as I went to leave, I asked my sister that if she was going to plan an event around my schedule, at least have the decency to wait for me to show up.  She lept up and started screaming at me that "Mom said you weren't coming!" I ended up having my sister, mom and dad all ganging up on me because I didn't call back multiple times to re-rsvp even though I had already told my sister I was going to come!  All three of them thought I was completely in the wrong, and no one was willing to place blame on my mom even though she just "decided" that I said I wasn't going to come.  It turned into a complete bash-on-me fest, where they all ganged up and told me all the things I've done "wrong" to them in the past.  I got so worked up that I literally started having contractions.  At a later date, my mom informed me that I "ruined" my nephew's birthday and they she and my sis "knew I was mad the moment I showed up because of the way I slammed my car door."  That is so ridiculous, especially since I didn't realize anything was up until I walked in the door.

Long story short, my husband and I had a big sit-down with my mom and dad where we tried to explain how we were feeling and we wanted to be treated with more respect.  You can probably imagine how that went.  I asked my mom what she wanted from me and after saying she didn't know for most of the conversation, she finally came up with she didn't want to talk to me on the phone (fully knowing we were going to be moving halfway across the country).  I asked her to figure out what she wanted from me and let me know when she figured it out.  I've heard very little from her since.  She's basically cut me out of her life except to contact me so she can send gifts to my kids, and she sent a text (she doesn't text anyone, so she's going out of her way to limit contact) on my birthday.

It hurts so much to know she would rather not have a relationship with me than to even try and meet me anywhere in between.  She always has been a her way or no way type.  My dad is so codependent that it's not possible to have a relationship with him without her, and my sister is so mad at me (she either has BPD also or she just picked up a lot of the same behaviors) that she's cut off contact with me (there's a good chance my mom has been feeding her untrue info too, she has in the past).  So when I say I feel like I'm in between, I still have some contact with them and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with them when it does come up, but I'm also breaking away from the relationship and preparing for the day I just don't hear from them anymore.  It's not necessarily what I wanted, but it's what I ended up with.

[Bracken]

Hi

I'm sorry to hear how things are with you and your family. I have been there. All I can say is to make your marriage as strong and loving as possible - focus mindfully on your own young family - cherish your friends - and get some professional help, if you can, to deal with the pain your FOO causes.

I am NC with both my uBPD Mother and my brother. I used to think that my brother was at least "neutral" - if not exactly on my side - when my M would launch into her campaigns against me. I finally had to admit that he was very enmeshed with my mother- and that it was actually getting worse over time.

Take care