Spending too much on a christmas gift

[nodoover]

First off we are retired, husband with BPD has very part time taxi job, I just got laid off my part time job. So we can pay our bills but money is tight and credit cards are going up from a few times of being stupid and just wanting to go somewhere.

So I am trying to pay them down, meanwhile of course stuff that needs to be fixed costly thousands happens to house so husband says to me cancel next years trip and we aren't doing anything for long time.

Fast forward to today and he sheepishly calls me and says this is last time (heard this before) I bought my daughter necklace to celebrate her new job and Christmas. I am thinking $100-300 and that would be bad enough because I didn't get my kids anything just a few bucks for grandkids... .so I look online and he spent $550.

I am livid but because of how he is with BPD and rages I know I would immediately start one if I say anything! He is like I will use my tips to pay for it... .thats a laugh since he barely buys breakfast out and a few other things with them.

I just don't know how to have a normal conversation with someone that isn't normal... .I guess thats the point!  Are we suppose to just suck it up, all the crazy things they do because they will blow sky high if we don't.

He will be home any minute and I am so afraid of what I might say!

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[allibaba]

Oh I can so relate... .

I work full time... .make good money... .and we don't have any real financial woes (hell we own our house outright - no mortgage) and yet somehow... .each and every month my husband manages to go shopping and spend all of our disposable income on CRAP... .

Since I am resentful... .I know that I need better boundaries in this area.  Personally I think I need to be far more clear on what is acceptable and not acceptable.  Four years ago, I bought the man a sportscar thinking that it would HELP (oh the historical codependent behavior)... .since that was ok then... .why would it not be ok now for him to go out and buy thousands of dollars in stuff to make himself happy?

I guess my point is with money, we have to be clear - what is ok and what is not.  I'm starting this process now.  Then in the future if he crosses the line - the consequence is that he won't have access to our money.  He can call me a money nazi all he wants... .my lack of boundaries will not cause us financial hardship in the future!

[nodoover]

Okay so we talked, I was able to say all I wanted to but instead of anger mode he went into deep depression I f'd up mode.  Like pity me don't get mad at me.

So he is telling me now he saved, hid some of his money and he will use it for that, to which I said do you think its fair that we spend all this money on your daughter when we aren't buying any gifts for the other kids?

I don't know why I tried, in his mind its okay he has had her on that pedestal that he can put us on and off of and she has never come down because they have never had to live together and fight it out, she has always lived with her mom after divorce when she was one. He has always tried to buy her love and it never works.

But like you said I did get clear this time, I said the last two times you said this was last time, this really is the last time, from now on we will make a budget at christmas and divide by 3 (our kids) and anything we spend goes that way.

He is trying to say its not for xmas its for her getting a job, god that sounds so nuts to me, because his kid is getting a new job starting at $20hr lets spend money we don't have to celebrate that.

I told him I was thinking of having him do the bills for a few months just so he could see where we are, (he knows I won't really do that, he is terrible with money)

He is feeling super depressed now because I reminded him when I work every penny goes to bills.  I feel like a parent instead of a equal and get so tired of that!

I was hoping he would grow up enough to take it back, I told him there are plenty of nice gifts that cost around a $100, but no way!

[allibaba]

A couple of things:  

Sounds like you may have some unrealistic expectations of your husband.

I was hoping he would grow up enough to take it back, I told him there are plenty of nice gifts that cost around a $100, but no way!

Maybe a bit of radical acceptance is required here?

It also sounds like there is a lot more going on than him spending too much money (resentment around his daughter and how he treats her differently)... .what are you doing to work on that?

If you want to avoid a little of the super depressed bit - maybe a bit of validation would work.

I understand completely.  Its just so hard some days!

[nodoover]

Your right, his treating her like a mini god has always been hard on me, and her!  Things got so crazy after her wedding last year (which he almost spoiled) that I told her what I thought he had, wasn't sure of her reaction but she said it answered a lot for her and she was glad I told her.

She has had a hard time respecting him because of his trying to be friends instead of dad with her and trying to buy her, then getting angry (not at her) but at other things and she didn't understand it.

I was completely floored when he came home for dinner and told me he decided to take it back and get something cheaper... .once in awhile i guess he does listen to me.  But I reminded him it was him who said he didn't want us to spend any money because we have things to fix on the house. He admitted he got caught up after she called him.

I see that as a good sign that he can go back and see what he did.  He did say the deal was I am never to bring it up again, which is fine with me. 

He went into usual pity party about how life will never be good with jobs around here and retired with little money, and things breaking down on the house, and I said I hear you but that does happen to everyone.

I admit I have a very hard time with the validating thing... .I did make a nice dinner even though i was still upset myself at what he did. I made dinner before I knew he was taking it back and he knew that.

[nevertheless]

Hi is this a normal thing NO do? If we go shopping we need 2 of something he would buy 5or 8 of it last month I told him I liked this one type of bra he then goes and buys 6 ! Sounds good but then when it blows up it gets thrown in my face.

[allibaba]

Hi is this a normal thing NO do? If we go shopping we need 2 of something he would buy 5or 8 of it last month I told him I liked this one type of bra he then goes and buys 6 ! Sounds good but then when it blows up it gets thrown in my face.

BPDs generally have impulse control and this falls under that umbrella.

[MammaMia]

Nodoover

For pwBPD, I think showing love often translates into money and/or things.  Why? because they have such difficulty showing emotions and lack impulse control.  

They buy expensive gifts because it makes them feel great... .but when that wears off they have the reality of feeling guilty and even angry for overspending.  This happens especially when they are disappointed at the reaction from the recipient and do not get the "wow factor" and "gratitude" they had envisioned.

I see this frequently with my dBPDs.  I commend your husband for returning to reality, although I suspect he does feel depressed over the decision to not purchase the expensive necklace as well.