small simple question

[samthewiss]

Does anyone have suggestions on ways to improve ones self esteem?

[mango_flower]

I think there are two ways... .

Change the outside

Change the inside.

So, either change the things you don't like (e.g. join a gym)

Or change the way you think about them (much more difficult)

I think once you work out which plan of attack you're going for, then we can come up with more specific ways... .I'm pretty brain dead at the mo.

I think it's a good idea to build up self-esteem though, for sure.

[willtimeheal]

The thing that helped.me the most was therapy.  Talking about myself my past and all the things I didn't like about me and then chopping them down piece by piece. What was interesting as I realized why I felt the way I did ... .I realized the reasons were ridiculous. But I had to dig real deep to find those reasons.

[broken3]

Sam,

I am a male. What helps empower me and lift my esteem is to accomplish things.

Whether it be enhancing relationships with friends, family, the kids or a support group, or even school classes for my sense of self. It tells me that I am a great person.

And then I will fix things, paint a room, do brakes on the cars, garden etc. It keeps me active and makes me value myself.

[Contradancer]

Sam, it's very true that getting outside of yourself helps build self-esteem because you can find you have more value and capabilities than you thought. Volunteer work is a great way to start, for instance. I had low self-esteem when I left my BPDxh, but getting involved, and making new friends through those things, has helped me to build an inner core that likes myself.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi sam-

What works for me:

1. Get the big three, diet, sleep, exercise, in order.  If you need to lose some weight, do it, and toning your physique in a gym and then buying a new wardrobe helps too.  Judging people including ourselves by what we look like can be considered superficial and surface, but so what, people do it anyway, and once you get in shape and dress up the new bod, women smile at you all day long, which sure as hell beats the nasty look on my ex's face most of the time.

2. Adjust your beliefs, especially the ones about yourself.  If your borderline was anything like mine, you were faced with a constant barrage of belittling, condescending, disrespectful, nasty comments, and if you listened and took them to heart, your self esteem probably plummeted.  To untangle that fiction, try these:

What is your best quality?

Name 5 things people say they like about you.

Think back and relive 10 things you've done that you are proud of.

This process is fun:

List as many shtty things your ex said about you that you can remember.

Imagine her with a large head and a small body, running around like a loony, saying all of those things with a cartoon voice, with circus music playing in the background.  Make it as funny as you can.  If you fully commit, it will literally reprogram your brain and make you laugh when you think of her saying that crap and realize how ridiculous it all was.

Take care of you!

[an0ught]

Hi samthewiss,

I found this book quite useful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=183126.0

It is based on working both on your thinking and your actions. Bringing both more in alignment yielding more self esteem.

[Cumulus]

Hi Sam, for me it is about self control. Whether it is eating too much, drinking too much, inappropriate outbursts, mocking other people or gossiping, or watching too much TV and feeling unproductive, if I feel I have used poor self control my self esteem suffers. There is also a time when I have to understand that I am human and my self control will slip and that I need to forgive myself. It is doing away with the negative self talk and being forgiving of myself, yet every morning trying to face the new day with a resolve to be in control of myself and situation.   

[Turkish]

Does anyone have suggestions on ways to improve ones self esteem?

this took me years to work through on my own, samthewiss, but my journey was a combination of:

Knowing who I am. Not the roles I play for others, but who I am at the core, which is basically my core values.

After that, living by those values, and acting them out with my interpersonal r/s's.

Coming not to care what other people think. Not being arrogant, stomping about saying, "I'm right!" all of the time, but taking responsibility when I do wrong, and knowing that when I do right, it is right. If other people have a problem with that, then that is their problem. With my upwBPDx, I know some of the things she said about me to her friends. Some of these things I cry "injustice!" and want to make it right. But I know she's messed up, and I think some of them might as well (other than she sometimes being a difficult person), though she is probably unaware of this. So in this example, I take comfort in the truth of what happened. In the end, I don't care what they think. They didn't live it!

If they do, and throw it in my face, then time to get new friends, mine included. That isn't denial; it's not engaging or staying around toxic people.

There's the last one: find decent friends with similar values, and stick with them. That shows virtue. If they have it in kind, then they will return the favor. Nothing like a toxic "friend" to drag you down and trample on your self-esteem.