'Tis the Season...

[apples30]

I haven't been on here in quite a long time. It's been a pretty quiet year with the BPD MIL.  My husband had an extensive "talk" with her in the summer of 2012. She had been pretty inappropriate for a few months prior to July 2012.  So we "enjoyed" a pretty good year after he talked with her, she didn't do much of anything for a long time! Anyway, fast forward a year this past October. Something triggered her again... .and it never fails that her inappropriate behaviors, lashing out at my husband, mean texts, emails, and voicemails happen about the same time.  We don't know what happened.   We did not having Thanksgiving with her and don't anticipate Christmas either, which is fine with me.  

So I have been on here off and on for  a few years so I don't have the energy rehashing it all again but she is undiagnosed, refuses to seek treatment, she is 70 already. My husband is an only child and she never married nor had any other children... .so in her eyes I essentially "took him away" when we married 5 years ago... .

My husband really struggles with how to deal with her. We have very high boundaries with her,we share very little or anything with her, we don't do much with her.  She is not a pleasant person to be around, the list goes on... .I would say I am NC with her and my husband is LC.  I have read several books and have shared a bunch with my husband, put the books away for awhile and gave it a break but took them out today to "remind" ourselves how to deal with her... .I have "Walking on Eggshells" and "Borderline parent"... .

She isn't rational, turns everything around, accusations, verbal abuse is unbelievable.  My husband sent an email back to her( this has been the lastest form of communication the last few months) and told her he doesn't  like the nasty comments, threats, etc and asked her what she would like to see resolved or what does she want. Her response is the same every time. It's exhausting... .we have the problems, we don't care about her, etc... .

anyway... .if anyone has some ideas or suggestions, let me know.  We are doing a better job of coping with her and I have come along way the past 5 years but it's still difficult and it makes me very upset the way she lashes out at my husband.

Thanks!  

any suggestions? How do you talk to a person like this... .

[Sitara]

Hi apples30.  I can relate to most of what you've said.  Here's the link to the communication forum.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0  I hope you are able to find a technique that works for you.

[Marcia]

Wow, this sounds soo familiar. She is on a hurt campaign! Please try not to get discouraged, and my advice is keep erecting reasonable boundaries and stick to them. I think as you get more used to enforcing them, her power to upset you will lessen. Still, I know how tough it is, nobody wants to be insensitive to an older, single lady,

But, that's where she has you, and she knows it. People with BPD enjoy that victim role because it is a very satisfying way for them to organize their world. That world view has them at the center and powerless to do anything to improve their own lives.

However, what is the reality? Could your Mil volunteer, take classes, travel to visit friends and relatives, work part-time at something fun, join a church or community group, learn a new skill, develop a hobby, behelpful to others? You and your DH are not "making" her life rich or empty, she is.

Good luck with improving this situation, but please don't forget it is NOT the two of you causing her issues... .

[apples30]

Thanks for the suggestions.  We have tried to encourage the MIL to get involved with outside activities. Church, food pantries etc. She doesn't do anything.:-( She has very few friends, the only ones are her "clients", ladies who are 80+ years older.  She is a hairdresser for the elderly.  So we know that they have no clue how she is and we are quite certain she feeds them lots of inaccurate information.  She would never volunteer, take a class, help others... .it's quite sad but I agree those would some great ways for her to meet people and make friends... .but we have tried it already!

We have come along way and we know we don't cause her issues but it's still hard to have to deal with it :-( We do have very high boundaries. We don't share anything with her. NOTHING!  My husband had to block her texts and emails again.  I  have had her blocked from email and facebook now for 5 years!  My husband is off and on ... .when she is behaving herself he will "Open" back up but she has been really nasty and annoying the last few weeks again... .I guess we just don't know how to "talk" to her, she takes everything out of context, she "turns" everything around, she won't answer in complete sentences, "Oh you know what you have done"... .after we ask her what is wrong etc... .it's exhausting!  I am aware of the "SET" system but a part of it we can't see fitting... we are not going to coddle her and tell her we "understand"... .because her behaviors are completely unacceptable and disturbing!

anyway... .we just wish there was some way to get her to stop these behaviors... .and we know at age 70 that probably isn't going to happen!  She is a handful and we can only imagine if we did have kids how that would work. We have been trying for over 5 years to have a baby and probably won't happen, which devastating for both of us due to age related infertility :-(  I partly blame my MIL for all of stress since our wedding and our inability to conceive.  She isn't the only  reason, we have been through a lot of things over the years and our age certainly doesn't help but unfortunately I have "let her get to me" :-(

anyway... .it's a sad situation through and through and we want nothing more to have a family and it feels like it slipping by... .having to deal with her is too much.  I have coped much better the last 2 years but before that it was awful!

anyway... .I rambled on quite a bit :-)  thanks for listening!