A confession to my EX

[necchi]

I once confessedto her that i had suicidal ideations (from her behavious and manipulating me, my children's,pets... ) and ended in the ER alone... .

she used this against me to hurt me... .anyone other than her i would've hit with no remorse, but from her,    pffffi just broke down  , feeling i deserve such treatment.

[necchi]

Oh sorry,  :)any feedback? Anyone have gone through this? Similar?

[necchi]

Well, thank you for keeping my post . You changed the title which suits me fine.

I for a moment, thought that what i wrote was nonesense to some people.

[Surnia]

Hi marinro7

I am really sorry about the situation with your ex. 

This is very hard to deal with it, I think we expect this least of all from our SO. 

Hope you don't mind me asking: How long is it since you have had suicical intentions?

[necchi]

Its been a few years. I had moments were my mind gives me this easy answer when my emotions got overloaded but i managed those thoughts and they are nowhere has obsessive. I'm doing good on this .

[TakingWingAtLast]

Necci,

I haven't really gone down that path, but I can certainly understand the emotion completely.  I have had fleeting moments as well, but no intentions. 

Personally, the devastation of the r/s break up and the devaluing process lend itself to such thoughts.  And when you are stuck in that grief because you are ruminating, you want to do just about anything to stop it!  So, I get it!

I'm glad you are doing well with this idea.  It's something I worry about for many people on this board because it is SO painful!   It breaks my heart when someone is so lost and hurt that they have trouble seeing a way out!   I hope that everyone will always try to reach out to that person and make effort to reach them to let them know their is someone who cares here and that we are listening.   This is one of the reasons that bpdfamily is so important.   It's a terrific outlet for all the emotions that are roiling around in us all.

Be well, Necci!

D

[necchi]

Thank you all !xx

[Perfidy]

marinro7... .Hi... hope all is well with you today. Just wanted to share this with you. Maybe it can help you or possibly someone else.

I became suicidal. The emotional pain was intolerable. I kept my self destructive thoughts mostly to myself. I sure as hell didn't want her to know that I was in so much pain. She enjoyed knowing that she could hurt me. I learned a lot about suicide. I learned that it can happen when the pain is greater than the available resources. I wasn't wanting to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. I did not tell her this and the reason why is exactly what you wrote about in this post. I knew she would only use it against me. I have no doubt about her clearly displayed sadistic nature. I would not give her the satisfaction of knowing exactly how deeply I was hurt.

So there I was... Trying to keep myself alive. Trying to accept that someone I thought I loved had discarded me. It's becoming so much clearer now. She didn't love me. She didn't love herself. I didn't love her. I only thought I did.

[necchi]

Dodo ! It was the pain i needed to part from. Finishing it off no,no. I couldn't do this to myself or my children and i valued myself. But the pain ! It was overwhelming i didn't have any ways to cope, well so i thought... .it was my thinking that was off.

[Suzn]

Dodo !

Did you mean "ditto?" 

This is an important topic marinro7. Emotions can most certainly be overwhelming. When a lot of us get here we are asked how are you coping? Coping skills? What is that? I mean, we all know what coping means but coping skills, how to cope in a healthy way may be foreign to us, myself included at the time.

What new ways have you learned to cope with the overwhelming pain and emotions marinro7?

[necchi]

Lol ! Yes Suzn i just realised

[TakingWingAtLast]

Suzn,

I obviously can't speak for Necci or anyone else, but for me, my coping mechanism is to stick my head right in the middle of the pain.  I let it hurt.  I howl.  I scream.  I sing Red Rubber Ball by Cyrkle more times than I can count.    I let it hurt as much as I can take for that time.   And if it doesn't subside quite yet, I sing some more.  I sing Madonna's "Get Up Again Over and Over"  50 times until it goes away.   

I fight through it.  I FEEL it as much as I can and then I sing or shout or scream in my office alone until some anger gets in there.  And I use the anger to scream and sing as loudly as possible until I'm hoarse.   

And then I call a friend and tell them I'm a lunatic for screaming and singing some dumb songs.

I cannot describe how much of a cathartic it is to sing and scream and cry and be angry all at the same time.   I imagine that I'm screaming at my expwBPD and that her soul can hear my anguish and cause her despair.  And sometimes I imagine she is in pain from the sheer loudness and madness of it all.

And I make myself into a SuperDude who can take all the pain and misery and still come out on the other side whole and healthy.  I'm able to leap tall pwBPD behaviors with a single bound.  I'm faster to get healthy than a speeding bullet.   And I rise like a phoenix from the ashes to become even better than before.  I'm PaintoHealth Man.   

Ok, I'm also full of it... .heh!   Ignore the last paragraph.  I just made that part up... .Although I kind of like the idea!   PaintoHealth Man... .HA!    The rest of it is true though.  I do scream and sing and cry and shout.   And it works.

D

Dodo !

Did you mean "ditto?" 

This is an important topic marinro7. Emotions can most certainly be overwhelming. When a lot of us get here we are asked how are you coping? Coping skills? What is that? I mean, we all know what coping means but coping skills, how to cope in a healthy way may be foreign to us, myself included at the time.

What new ways have you learned to cope with the overwhelming pain and emotions marinro7?

[necchi]

What I've learned, i realized that i was sabotaging my own self, setting aside my feelings so i don't hurt someone, loose someone or something or avoid a discution were i felt i was going to be put down, set aside, humiliated .

in the end, it doesn't matter, it's happening in any case some of the time ,so better be my true responsibility than being accused of. Limit my worries times. Stop procrastinating (this is hard and so easy ) give myself time to heal and auto valorise  the reasons I'm broken. Live in the "now" let go of the past... .and I'm not a master at all, i just try to use any has i need. Just making myself aware of all this, then its easy.  YOUR feed back are 50% of my copping skills