Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have re-posted my introduction here because I felt I needed to explain my back story. I am looking for help in handing situations like this.


My breaking point is that of my mother-in-law continuing to cause problems for my relationship. My uBPDmil continues to take from us with no regard to our 9 month old son. If we step up and tell her no, she runs to her husband and lies to him. It has gotten to the point of physical fights with my wife. Today, I could not take it anymore and yelled at my wife. I do not want to be that person. I could tell you stories upon stories of what she has done, but I am sure I am not the only one who has dealt with things like this. My wife's brother is undiagnosed as well and I am afraid they are two peas in a pod. I do not want my wife or son around my mil for the sake of their sanity. We live right next to them and she comes over every day. It has been this way since my son has been born, except 2 days. The 2 days we did not see her was because she was off spending more money (that she does not have). I am struggling with how to deal with her and keep my sanity. Can you help with an explanation?

The situation is hard on my wife. She is kind of stuck between her mother and me. She wants to be supportive of me and my feelings, but also doesn't want to turn her back to her mother. Her mother has picked one sibling to awe over, while she is the black sheep. My wife cannot do anything right in her mother's eyes. My wife is the only sibling who has completed college with a Bachelor's Degree. We live on our own, but the problem is it is right behind their house. Our house is walking distance, so much that she can see our front porch from the kitchen window. She knows when we are home and when we leave. Within 10 minutes of leaving we will receive a phone call asking for something. I know we need to move, but we do not have the capability at this point. We are hoping it will happen for us in 2014. We are saving every dime we have for this effort. As far as the physical altercations, that would be her and her sibling. The problem with that is not only the physical, but the fact that the house and land are in their name. The police told us that they could tell us to leaving without notice because we do not have a lease. We do not have a leg to stand on. Her mother feels it is okay for her sibling to assault her because they are defending her. As time has gone on, the scarier it has gotten as far as the similarities between the two. Money is a huge factor in this mess. She gets about 1500.00 a month from her husband's social security. The first problem is she overdraws her account by about 300 to 400 a month, so when the check is deposited she only gets about 1100.00 or less. She will spend most of the money on things she does not need, like hair coloring and nails instead of bills. She uses the system to pay for that. When approached about using the system, she says that she is owed. So, she gets paid on the 3rd of the month, but is broke within a few days. She plays up the system and gets people to give her money. She has church es give her money 400.00 and 500.00 on two separate occasions. She still comes over to borrow money from us as well as food. When we tell her no, she runs to her husband and lies to him. Thus, the circle continues.


I know we need to move away and fast. At this point, we are biding our time. How do you place boundaries when this is 8 years in the making? My main concern in my wife and our son. I want to keep them protected, but pull ourselves away. I know the distance will help our relationship. The other siblings do not come around much (mostly holidays) and I feel they do this because of her. I feel they can see what she does and want no part in it. The one sibling still lives at home at 20 something years old. They do not cook, clean, or do anything for themselves. Her mother dotes all over this sibling. It gets to the point that this sibling will get a whole ham dinner with all the fixing for a birthday dinner, while my wife gets nothing. This year she did not even get a happy birthday until 8 pm. Her sibling has a fiesta the moment their eyes open.


Thank you for letting me explain a little bit of my life. This has helped me a lot today. 

[thodeano]

I have re-posted my introduction here because I felt I needed to explain my back story. I am looking for help in handing situations like this.


My breaking point is that of my mother-in-law continuing to cause problems for my relationship. My uBPDmil continues to take from us with no regard to our 9 month old son. If we step up and tell her no, she runs to her husband and lies to him. It has gotten to the point of physical fights with my wife. Today, I could not take it anymore and yelled at my wife. I do not want to be that person. I could tell you stories upon stories of what she has done, but I am sure I am not the only one who has dealt with things like this. My wife's brother is undiagnosed as well and I am afraid they are two peas in a pod. I do not want my wife or son around my mil for the sake of their sanity. We live right next to them and she comes over every day. It has been this way since my son has been born, except 2 days. The 2 days we did not see her was because she was off spending more money (that she does not have). I am struggling with how to deal with her and keep my sanity. Can you help with an explanation?

The situation is hard on my wife. She is kind of stuck between her mother and me. She wants to be supportive of me and my feelings, but also doesn't want to turn her back to her mother. Her mother has picked one sibling to awe over, while she is the black sheep. My wife cannot do anything right in her mother's eyes. My wife is the only sibling who has completed college with a Bachelor's Degree. We live on our own, but the problem is it is right behind their house. Our house is walking distance, so much that she can see our front porch from the kitchen window. She knows when we are home and when we leave. Within 10 minutes of leaving we will receive a phone call asking for something. I know we need to move, but we do not have the capability at this point. We are hoping it will happen for us in 2014. We are saving every dime we have for this effort. As far as the physical altercations, that would be her and her sibling. The problem with that is not only the physical, but the fact that the house and land are in their name. The police told us that they could tell us to leaving without notice because we do not have a lease. We do not have a leg to stand on. Her mother feels it is okay for her sibling to assault her because they are defending her. As time has gone on, the scarier it has gotten as far as the similarities between the two. Money is a huge factor in this mess. She gets about 1500.00 a month from her husband's social security. The first problem is she overdraws her account by about 300 to 400 a month, so when the check is deposited she only gets about 1100.00 or less. She will spend most of the money on things she does not need, like hair coloring and nails instead of bills. She uses the system to pay for that. When approached about using the system, she says that she is owed. So, she gets paid on the 3rd of the month, but is broke within a few days. She plays up the system and gets people to give her money. She has church es give her money 400.00 and 500.00 on two separate occasions. She still comes over to borrow money from us as well as food. When we tell her no, she runs to her husband and lies to him. Thus, the circle continues.


I know we need to move away and fast. At this point, we are biding our time. How do you place boundaries when this is 8 years in the making? My main concern in my wife and our son. I want to keep them protected, but pull ourselves away. I know the distance will help our relationship. The other siblings do not come around much (mostly holidays) and I feel they do this because of her. I feel they can see what she does and want no part in it. The one sibling still lives at home at 20 something years old. They do not cook, clean, or do anything for themselves. Her mother dotes all over this sibling. It gets to the point that this sibling will get a whole ham dinner with all the fixing for a birthday dinner, while my wife gets nothing. This year she did not even get a happy birthday until 8 pm. Her sibling has a fiesta the moment their eyes open.


Thank you for letting me explain a little bit of my life. This has helped me a lot today. 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi thodeano,

This does sound like a difficult situation--and I can see why you're feeling very stressed.

It's very common for someone with BPD to split (BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting), so the dynamic you described, where one child is "all-good" and one child is "all-bad," unfortunately, isn't uncommon. It is probably taking quite a toll on your wife, and ultimately, on the both of you.

It's also very concerning that these fights do get physical--what typically happens when your wife and her mother or sibling argue?

I'm glad to hear that you're working on a plan to move. That sounds like a good idea for many reasons. 

As for setting boundaries, the first step is to make sure that you and your wife are on the same page. Do you both see the need for boundaries, and if so, what limits would you like to set with your in-laws?

How are you doing through all of this?

[thodeano]

If we confront her mother for lying or stealing from us, she will run to her husband to make sure he hears her side first. My wife's father will come over to talk to us and her mother and brother will follow. As her father is talking, her mother will interrupt and redirect the conversation to where she wants it. Her brother will try to butt in the conversation. The last incident, my wife told her brother that "this did not concern you" and he flipped her out of a and started hitting her. He proceeded to try to drag her out of "his f$!#ing house" During this time, he pushed he own parents to the ground. This is the second time there has been an altercation. This last one was bad enough where my wife and I went an entire month without speaking to them. It has hard because we felt like a prisoner in our home because she would watch us like a hawk. As far as our son is concern, there has not been an altercation as of yet. I believe this is one of the problems because we are walking on eggshells around her.

My wife and I are completely on the same page. We were discussing how to set these boundaries today. For example our son takes his nap between 1-3 pm and we are going to tell her not to come over between those times. She likes to come over during these times and sit in the living room, talking loudly to wake him up. I know slow and steady is important for BPD. I feel like I am losing who I am because I have to change my personality around her mother. Normally, I would have no problem telling people like it is when it comes to my son, but I know it is hard on her father. (He is not in the best of health)

I would like to set some boundaries with borrowing things from us (food and money), listening to us when it comes to our son, and being able to stop the lying.

How can I achieve this?   

[Blondy90]

Hi Thodeano,

It sounds like you are having a really difficult time and I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like for you to come in to a family dynamic like that. Having two BPD personalities close to you must be a real struggle.

My sister has dBPD and living with her was the hardest time of my life. The worst period was from when she was 15-20. She was diagnosed and moved out and it did our relationship the world of good. I cannot stress enough how important distance is! You clearly recognise the need to move and it will be the best thing you ever did. You need space away from the craziness and a chance to put things in to perspective which is very, very difficult when you see your MIL as much as you do. The danger there I think is that you begin to normalise the situation and put up with bad behaviour that you usually wouldn't.

Having two BPD people together is so volatile. If I were you I would avoid situations where your brother in law and mother in law are together because they will bounce off each other and it will never be a peaceful affair. If you can have a reasonable conversation with your father in law, the first clear boundary I would set is that you only speak to him on his own so you can reason the situation out sensibly. They won't like it as BPD sufferers are very self obsessed and want to be involved in everything.

I agree you and your wife need to discuss boundaries and you need to enforce them as a team. I guarantee that your mother in law and brother in law will work to divide you as part of their manipulation and I have a hunch that there will be an underlying competition between the two as to who has things worse in life and who is treated the worst by the family and they probably create as much drama as they can to play this out with each other. Unfortunately BPDs find it very difficult to empathise with others and while they realise that they are creating situations, they won’t realise how much it is affecting you because they just don’t understand how they make you feel. Of course, your mother in law will always be the victim because of this and because they don’t take responsibility for their actions. It is hard to change a volatile situation because of this and unless you set out with them what you will and will not accept from them behaviour wise, they will not change their behaviour and you will not have peace.

I know it’s difficult but you have to be strong. Be firm and consistent when setting the boundaries and do not back down. If this means calling the police then so be it, you cannot be expected to deal with their violence on your own. You do not have to put up with their abuse just because they are your wife’s family. It sounds like they will not listen to written boundaries, I think the situation is too far gone. If I were you I would act out the boundaries in the situation and just continue to enforce them.

It is your life and you need to be in control of it. If you don’t want her at the house at a certain time then you tell her no. Her trying to wake up your baby is appalling behaviour and is a clear attention seeking activity. Don’t let her indulge in her games, you have to control the situation because she has clearly been let to manipulate things the way she wants them. I know your wife will feel all kinds of emotions – guilt, anger, helplessness. You both need to try as best you can to emotionally detach yourself from them while you work through coping techniques and understanding BPD.

Unfortunately I don't think the lying will stop. You have to be yourself and be firm. Try not to worry about how this will affect others as it will lead to a positive outcome in the end. Be honest and straight forward, I've found with my sister that beating around the bush just confuses her and frustrates her.

I’m not an expert but I have dealt with a very violent, deluded BPD sister and I know how bad things can get. You have to do what’s best for your family or you will end up being ill yourself. Trust me, I’ve been there.

I’m not saying you can’t have a relationship with them but to have a workable relationship takes time and energy and you have to be ready to know your own mind, your own boundaries and to be strong about it. I really feel for you being so close, it’s so unhealthy. Particularly with two BPDs. I hope this helps. I wish you the best of luck!

[thodeano]

WOW! Thank you for your post! It has gotten worse since I last posted because my MIL's sister died yesterday and it is not about the death, but herself. She has been changing her personality based on who she is around. It it very challenging for sure. My wife and I have set 12/30 as the day we will be talking to her dad about setting boundaries. The reason for this date is his birthday is 12/23, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, her mother's birthday, and the first day I have off is 12/30. I know it will be a mess and I want to be there the entire time. I will be taking your advice and sticking to our boundaries! Thank you so much for your lengthy response.

[Blondy90]

You are more than welcome. I hope my advice helps! Best of luck with it. BPD is definitely challenging and I really feel for you and your family. Remember there are people here to help so if you need support or some words of strength at any time we are here for you. I hope you can enjoy the Christmas period as much as possible!

Take Care.