trying to understand the inexplicable

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So, my ex appears to be in a loving, happy, absolutely picture perfect relationship with his new wife, although she seems to be the one cultivating the picture of perfection.  I'm not sad about it, in fact I saw a picture of him and he looked happy and I was happy to see it because it was the first picture I've seen of him where he looks genuine.  We've been NC for a year.  What I am struggling with is the following:

I never had the picture perfect with him.  In fact from the beginning, I had that pit of anxiety in my stomach. Perhaps our relationship was just too honest.  I know both of us were in a bad place, but I was crippled with anxiety from dating him.  Our relationship was short lived, but we never actually fought.  We spoke a lot of truths to each other and offered mutual understanding of our hurt.  What I suspect is that we connected too quickly, too deeply.  It was an instantaneous connection, but way too intense. Even thinking of him and hearing about him still creates that pit of anxiety in my stomach.  I now understand that I am a wounded person from my upbringing and my previous relationships, and that obviously fed my intense anxiety.  I feel that I was not equipped to deal with him, and his extreme instability, but I do admit that I'm surprised that the little miss perfect wife is doing just fine. 

But... .what is difficult for me to piece together is the night and day difference between the relationship I had with him, and what he seemingly has now.  He was a total mess when I met him, and I wasn't doing too well either.  He picked himself up after our breakup, (as did I) and he now lives a seemingly normal, even "perfect" life (although his new wife is the one cultivating this image of perfection).  I know this is such a typical story for pwBPD. 

However, with me there never was perfection... .there was kindness, understanding, empathy, vulnerability and honesty, which nearly gave me a nervous breakdown, and sent him into a self destructive spiral.  It's this contrast that leaves me looking for answers.  My experience with him led me to believe that he was incapable of sustaining a relationship.  Well, he seems to be sustaining a relationship very well, which is in total contrast to my experience with him. I feel like the laws of physics are being broken.

Maybe I'm going too far with this but I feel that his running into this picture perfect relationship is a way of running from the intimacy that we had. Does that mean his "perfect" marriage has no intimacy? 

I am still digesting it (that intensity that we had), and understanding my own fear of intimacy, but I'm doing it on my own.  I don't want to blame myself for the way things unfolded with him, and if I hadn't done the work I've been doing I might really be thinking that I am the crazy one, not him, because whereas I have a relatively well rounded life, I'm not in a picture perfect marriage (and to be honest, I don't want to be ). 

I know many of you have gone through this... .I would really love your insights!

Thanks.

[caughtnreleased]

So, my ex appears to be in a loving, happy, absolutely picture perfect relationship with his new wife, although she seems to be the one cultivating the picture of perfection.  I'm not sad about it, in fact I saw a picture of him and he looked happy and I was happy to see it because it was the first picture I've seen of him where he looks genuine.  We've been NC for a year.  What I am struggling with is the following:

I never had the picture perfect with him.  In fact from the beginning, I had that pit of anxiety in my stomach. Perhaps our relationship was just too honest.  I know both of us were in a bad place, but I was crippled with anxiety from dating him.  Our relationship was short lived, but we never actually fought.  We spoke a lot of truths to each other and offered mutual understanding of our hurt.  What I suspect is that we connected too quickly, too deeply.  It was an instantaneous connection, but way too intense. Even thinking of him and hearing about him still creates that pit of anxiety in my stomach.  I now understand that I am a wounded person from my upbringing and my previous relationships, and that obviously fed my intense anxiety.  I feel that I was not equipped to deal with him, and his extreme instability, but I do admit that I'm surprised that the little miss perfect wife is doing just fine. 

But... .what is difficult for me to piece together is the night and day difference between the relationship I had with him, and what he seemingly has now.  He was a total mess when I met him, and I wasn't doing too well either.  He picked himself up after our breakup, (as did I) and he now lives a seemingly normal, even "perfect" life (although his new wife is the one cultivating this image of perfection).  I know this is such a typical story for pwBPD. 

However, with me there never was perfection... .there was kindness, understanding, empathy, vulnerability and honesty, which nearly gave me a nervous breakdown, and sent him into a self destructive spiral.  It's this contrast that leaves me looking for answers.  My experience with him led me to believe that he was incapable of sustaining a relationship.  Well, he seems to be sustaining a relationship very well, which is in total contrast to my experience with him. I feel like the laws of physics are being broken.

Maybe I'm going too far with this but I feel that his running into this picture perfect relationship is a way of running from the intimacy that we had. Does that mean his "perfect" marriage has no intimacy? 

I am still digesting it (that intensity that we had), and understanding my own fear of intimacy, but I'm doing it on my own.  I don't want to blame myself for the way things unfolded with him, and if I hadn't done the work I've been doing I might really be thinking that I am the crazy one, not him, because whereas I have a relatively well rounded life, I'm not in a picture perfect marriage (and to be honest, I don't want to be ). 

I know many of you have gone through this... .I would really love your insights!

Thanks.

[Turkish]

 Hi,  are you judging this by  posts on FB,  it what you get from friends?  Although mine let in to a few close friends and her mother that she was unhappy in the past year,  in the outside we were doing fine. I  always kept this up during other shirt period when we weren't.  Suffice to say,  the shocking end came out of the blue and surprised the hell out of not quite a few people.

Perhaps the most important question is  if you still care about him,  do you not want him to be happy,  if only for a while? I  keep asking myself this same question about mine.  And how do I let her go gracefully,  despite the graceless way in which she ended us.

[Ironmanrises]

He picked himself up after our breakup, (as did I) and he now lives a seemingly normal, even "perfect" life (although his new wife is the one cultivating this image of perfection).  

Notice that seemingly normal life by your expwBPD but that image is only being cultivated by the non that replaced you. I shudder reading that. For me, when I let my exUBPDgf back in for round 2, in which she said "I want MY man back", on her social media, even in idealization, there was only 1 picture displayed on her Instagram of me and her together. With a catch. The picture was of me and her in the act of kissing, but in the picture, it was taken in such a way where my face is not really visible from the angle it was taken, yet her face is. This was the person who begged and cried hysterically for me to let her back in and that picture was the only one she put of me and her on her social media(she had tons pictures with her and friends/family/ etc). On my social media, I was displaying picture after picture of me and her together. Anyone viewing both of our Instagram accounts would see 2 different images, me in a relationship(lots of pictures of me and her together) and her(with only that one picture where my face is really not visible) appear to not be in a relationship. My close friends noticed this. And asked me, "Ironmanfalls, why are there no pictures of you and her on her IG? She is making it seem as if she is single." I already knew the answer why even before they asked me that. Assuming she didn't cheat on me/replace me, that was done so that when the end came(discard), no one was going to question her on me(remember 2 rounds with her) on why the relationship terminated yet again. Checkmate. From her to me. I realized that even in idealization and did nothing about it. I was in too deep by then. It was a perfectly calculated move by her. Intentionally cruel? Unknown. Unintentionally cruel? Unknown. It still hurts me regardless.

Your answer is in that and what I described in my horrific account. Hang in there. I know it hurts.

[apple]

They are great at faking it and making people think it's real... .all of us that have been sucked in or hovered can testify to that. Most people on the outside have no idea

[RecycledNoMore]

They are great at faking it and making people think it's real... .all of us that have been sucked in or hovered can testify to that. Most people on the outside have no idea

Can you really tell all that from a picture?, how do you know everything is " perfect" between them?

No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors, there were beatings, spitting and abject cruelty behind my door... .

And nobody knew

I painted on a smile and faked my way through my days... .

He is married

Its all about what you can do for yourself now

Take care (( hugs))

[Turkish]

They are great at faking it and making people think it's real... .all of us that have been sucked in or hovered can testify to that. Most people on the outside have no idea

Can you really tell all that from a picture?, how do you know everything is " perfect" between them?

No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors, there were beatings, spitting and abject cruelty behind my door... .

And nobody knew

I painted on a smile and faked my way through my days... .

He is married

Its all about what you can do for yourself now

Take care (( hugs))

We recently had a newbie join whose marriage to the proverbial awesome man was what outsiders saw. She kept up the appearance for years until she apparently made her way here and is on her way out. Its additionally painful because even herfriends don't believe her (also sounded like some schoolgirl crushes and romantic idealization on their ends). It can be hell for us with so called "high functioning" partners, the lack of public validation. So we are left with ourselves, which are the only people we are capable of changing.

[apple]

Yes there are many "high functioning" sociopaths

Most of our society views people that have "successful careers"  and money as having their hit together. People will overlook a lot and not hold others accountable when they have money. Just look at this kid that killed people  driving drunk and the judge that accepted his defense of affluenza.  We live in a sick world

My ex is "high functioning" at work but all personal relationships are train wrecks. I'm actually surprised she  doesn't have more problems at her work.

[caughtnreleased]

I think what I'm baffled by is that I experienced him completely, and utterly low functionning.  I don't think he's high functionning, however he is with someone who is projecting her life as something out of a dream world.  He is supporting it somewhat, but she is really painting the picture of perfection.  I was pretty sure because he was so low functionning when it comes to intimacy that he would not be able to sustain a relationship... .but the image his new wife is broadcasting of their marriage (and that he's somewhat supporting) is mind blowingly at odds with what I know about him.  He was/is an emotional wreck. 

Turkish, yes, I would be happy for him to find happiness. Truly happy.  And the picture I saw of him smiling actually made me feel warm and fuzzy, because I want nothing more for him to be smiling and happy But, I feel that something is wrong.  What is being broadcast has nothing to do with the person I know/knew. And I know he had some deep and dark demons, which we all know don't just vanish into thin air.  Therefore, while I am totally reluctant to jump to conclusions since my information is limited, I can only think he is living a lie, which really doesn't make me feel any better, it makes me feel sad. 

[Perfidy]

Hey CNR... Hope your doing well! I want to say from reading your post I gain a little more insight into myself. I was devastated after a 7.5 year r/s with a dual diagnosed BPD/addict. Horrible. Surreal. It was a fantasy and a nightmare combined.

I believe I have improved exponentially as time went on. At first it seemed like I would never heal. Now,nine months later I am becoming the happiest guy I know again. I have completely lost track of her. It was the only way to let go of the pain. Pain was all that I had left of her. I still experience it. It is not as intense. I feel that by making my focus entirely on myself and zero on her that I have been able to fast track my healing and restore my happiness. No fakebook. No text. No looking at pictures. The memories are powerful enough with out fueling them. He's married sweetheart, let him go.

It is so unfortunate that only after we are reduced to nothing that we bother to try and change our behavior.

[bpdspell]

CNR,

Appearance are just that: appearances.

If you're happy for him than takes some of that happiness and give it to yourself. You deserve it.

Our ex's will have temporary moments of happiness but due to their disorder it is unsustainable and therefore fleeting. There is no "relationship" or "extra special" person that will make their disorder disappear into thin air because wherever they are BPD lives.

That "picture perfect" that you think your ex is experiencing is a delusion, a mirage.

Many couples project happiness to hide the demons of the relationship. It's just a fact of life and pretty damn easy especially if you are a fixer/rescuer type.

I hid my ex's emotional abuse and entitled narcissism as my "idealized" prince charming disintegrated into a warted toad. Then my fear of abandonment kicked into overdrive even as my ex's behavior evolved into a living nightmare. All the while …not a single soul knew about what I was truly experiencing... .because I convinced myself that things would get fixed.


Spell

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CNR, Don't kid yourself.  His picture-perfect r/s is nowhere near the reality presented to the world.  My BPDxW is a gregarious, charming Tomboy-type who made everyone smile, yet behind closed doors she was a drunken monster, throwing tantrums (and wine bottles), punching a hole in the wall, breaking down doors, dumping water on me as I slept on a couch, throwing all my business clothes in a pile on the front lawn, etc., etc.  Not fun.  I echo Spell: not a single soul knew what she was really like, except maybe my T.  Appearances can be deceiving!  Lucky Jim

[Kadee]

Everybody thought we were perfect for 35 years. What you see is not always what is. Move on, the day may come when she is (figuratively) standing beside you saying " what the heck was that?"

[Bananas]

Hi CNR,

Just want to echo what others have said.  How many people do you know, disordered or not, put bad things up on social media?  Everyone wants to project a "happy happy joy joy" image.  

Just from my own experience and talking to my therapist, pwBPD/NPD can be obsessed with image and will go out of their way to project a good one, almost throw it in your face.  I would be willing to bet that what you see on FB is very different from reality.

My exes office and FB are shrines to his new wife.  But just last week he confided in a co-worker that his marriage is horrible and he is thinking of filing for divorce afer the holidays.  So what's the reality?

[caughtnreleased]

thanks all for your responses. It helps to hear from others who have similar experiences. Of course I am not looking to hear that he is miserable, but it just doesn't make sense.  A few people who know him know that he is a mess.  I was warned by mutual friends to stay away. As I said he is low functioning. That's why I struggle to understand. What is currently being projected goes against everything I've experienced and been told about him.  I didn't think it would be possible for him to have a lasting, even as a façade, relationship.  She is painting such a wonderful picture of him that her friends are all telling her what a lucky girl she is to have him.

I know I need to move on.  It's just every so often I hit these low points and it leads me back to him, and of course it never makes me feel any better, and just right now what I'm seeing from him is 1+1 = 3  it just doesn't add up.

[Learning_curve74]

cnr, I can totally see how you feel considering the things you've seen from his new wife about their seemingly perfect relationship. Please face the facts though: you have seen what he is like, everybody here has mentioned similar stories (outwardly great facade with hidden turmoil underneath), and the logical conclusion can only be that his wife is putting up a facade to cope with him and their relationship. It may be as much to convince herself as to convince anybody else. She has the need to deny the problems to stay happy just like everybody else here sometimes does or did. You don't need to live in Denial-land with her, do you?

The only other possible explanation is that he is on his very best behavior, but as the facts show, that can only last so long before it turns into hurt and dramas as well.

You LIVED and KNOW the truth. Make the leap to acceptance and you'll be halfway to freedom. 

[caughtnreleased]

You LIVED and KNOW the truth. Make the leap to acceptance and you'll be halfway to freedom. 

Yes that's it exactly.  I need to 100% believe in what I lived, and heard (he even told me at one point he lies to everyone about who he is).   I think it's also seeing him living this lie that truly shows how disordered he is to me.  I had hoped he would be on a road to recovery, as he was extraordinarily self aware with me, and I actually think that as messed up as what I had with him actually was, he's since taken a step backwards throwing himself into this lie. Yes, I need to accept.  I do accept it.  But it still hurts as a person who I care about is lost in some far off neverland. 

[caughtnreleased]

but thanks to everyone for your responses.  It seems that just when we think we are recovered, we get hit with another fire ball from this disorder.  Two steps forward, one step back I guess.  It really is so incredibly important to get validation from others who have experienced similar situations. Thanks.