the process of going no contact

[misskitty82]

I'm newly coming to terms with the realization that my parents are most likely suffers of BPD. As time goes on along with reading about BPD and speaking with a therapist new memories of my childhood are resurfacing. It was pretty terrible. In my heart I can't say that I love my parents and wish to continue a relationship with them. I am thankful for the good things they have done. This is where my guilty conscious comes in. I think about the good times and I feel badly that I know it is in MY best interest to not be in contact with them anymore. So what do you do to over come that? Just remind yourself of the bad times?

And then what do I do if they try to contact me? Do I ignore them? They will never acknowledge the things that happened when I was growing up or their behavior now. So bringing that up will be pointless. Do I owe them an explanation? I'm just afraid if I do not respond to them they will show up at my home or work and confront me.

[GeekyGirl]

That's always tough, misskitty. You're doing a good thing for yourself by working with a therapist and really looking at your needs.

There's no right or wrong way to go NC. Keep in mind that it doesn't have to be forever and it doesn't have to be all-or-nothing. Some people choose to look at it as a therapeutic time out rather than a final solution. Whichever way you go is a personal decision.

So what do you do to over come that? Just remind yourself of the bad times?

A big part of the healing process is to remember--both the good times and the bad times. You'll see it in the Survivor's Guide on the right of this page. It helped me to see what healing looked like when I first came here. My situation was a little different (my mother was the one who chose to go NC, as a form of the silent treatment), but I was very upset and confused when I first came here.

And then what do I do if they try to contact me? Do I ignore them? They will never acknowledge the things that happened when I was growing up or their behavior now. So bringing that up will be pointless. Do I owe them an explanation? I'm just afraid if I do not respond to them they will show up at my home or work and confront me.

What happens if/when they contact you is really up to you and what you're comfortable with. What would be best for you? If you're afraid that they'll show up at your home or work, what can you do to protect yourself?

[mysoulishome]

In my heart I can't say that I love my parents and wish to continue a relationship with them. I am thankful for the good things they have done. This is where my guilty conscious comes in.

I think we all struggle with that. Many times our BPD parents have done unspeakable damage to us as human beings, usually emotionally and not physically. But then at the same time they are often great people in some ways. Generous, lots of friends, speak highly of you. You can also look at the circumstances of their lives and feel sorry for them. They probably came from bad places just as you, as their child, now have. And people will remind you of the "good times." "You know, your mom loves you so much. She would have done anything for you." Right.

What I've come to think about is at some point you just have to judge a person by their actions. And you may have to put aside your parents' feelings. Of course you are a decent person and you want them to be happy! But do you want to sacrifice your well being for them? It sounds like you don't, and that's fantastic. Love yourself first. Having parents like this puts us in very difficult places, places no child should ever have to be.

Do you have a support system in your life you can lean on? A significant other? A sibling? Good friends? A therapist? Sometimes it can be helpful to have someone who cares about you, in some cases maybe they care more about you than you do yourself. If they can really understand your situation, maybe they will be a good sounding board and be strong for you.

Maybe that isn't the healthiest thing... .But it can be a good tool.

I am not in your real life and because of the limitations of the internet I can't say "GeekyGirl, no. Don't answer the phone, don't let them back in."

Good luck and lots of love to you... .

[lexicat]

Good morning Miss Kitty,

My mother has BPD and I have had no contact with her for nearly 9 years. For me the line was finally crossed when I found out she was abusing my great aunt (80 years old at the time) by screaming at her, threatening her and stealing her things right in front of her. My husband, aunt and I went N/C together. Here is the process I followed (not sure if it will work for you but maybe it will give you an idea):

- I wrote a letter to her stating the simple facts of why I was going N/C. I made sure the letter was not abusive and even brought it to my therapist for help. When I was ready I gave the letter to my mother, my oldest brother and my step father. I didn't write it for her benefit and I never thought she would agree to any of it, but it was my way of saying what I needed to say.

- I contacted the police and let them know what I was doing (I was terrified she would come to my house in a rage). I also changed the locks on my door and my aunt's door. I set up my aunt with a medical necklace with a button to push if she needed help and called the agency to let them know what was happening. If she pushed the button and said my mother's name they would call the police.

- After all this I waited and dealt with things as they came. I got emails and letters - some very friendly and apologetic, some crazy/mean/threatening. If she left a message on my phone I wrote down the date and what she said. My husband ended up having to post a photo of her at his work for security because she would show up and scream the place down (he worked at a very high end hotel at the time), we had to move our wedding to another place so we could have security.

- The biggest shock was the reaction of my family - I know they would be upset but I didn't anticipate them cutting all ties with me. I have seen my older brother or step father in nearly 9 years and I've seen my 2 younger brothers twice. My auntie died last year leaving me with no family outside my husband and son

- I also think about the good times (no-one is all bad) and miss my family a lot. Because I know it was a good decision to cut contact I keep a file folder with everything I have from the last 9 years - my letter, all the emails/cards I received etc. I even wrote a very long typewritten description of all the things that she did to me. I originally wrote this to keep with my will so people would know why my son is not to be given to her, but now I use it when I forget how bad it was. I've even showed the pages to people who don't understand why I would cut contact like that. No-one knew how bad it was inside our household.

- I ignored all attempts to talk to me and she gave up about 6 years ago.

I hope this helps... .I tried limiting contact first but it backfired. I feel guilty a lot, mostly because my son had never let her and I hope that this was the right thing to do. Sometimes (like today) I wonder if I could have her in my life now - I'm stronger and more capable of standing up for myself - but I think it would be a mistake. I would probably find myself right back where I started from.

All the best to you! Do you have siblings or someone to support you in this? For me it was my husband and auntie,

Lexicat