Dealing with accusations?

[rumblelina]

How do you handle when they accuse you of things they actually do and are deeply upsetting to you?

For example, them being promiscuous but accusing you of cheating; them lying and accusing you of lying; them being extremely selfish and accusing you of that... .things that you work hard at not being, specifically.

Due to childhood abuse and my personality, confrontation is extremely draining to me, is there any way I could make it not get to me? And why do they choose areas where they are specifically much worse than you could possibly be?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

How do you handle when they accuse you of things they actually do and are deeply upsetting to you?

For example, them being promiscuous but accusing you of cheating; them lying and accusing you of lying; them being extremely selfish and accusing you of that... .things that you work hard at not being, specifically.

Due to childhood abuse and my personality, confrontation is extremely draining to me, is there any way I could make it not get to me? And why do they choose areas where they are specifically much worse than you could possibly be?

Hi Rumblelina

Welcome to the Staying Board. Your situation is common there will be many here who can give you good advice in this area.

Mainly the answer lies in not defending or counter accusing (unecessary confrontation). Seeing it for what it is and believing your own truth.

You can't address everything at once, so what is it that makes you feel the worst so that members can help you with getting started?

If anyone can offer any suggestions to rumblelina to help identify were to start please chime in.

[rumblelina]

I think what got to me the most is that today I got called out on being selfish? specifically doing things just for myself/attention and then denying that was the reason. In my perception I do things without thinking at worst, or my motives are incomprehensible to them at best.

I have actually been told by more than one person that I am worryingly selfless (one person said I am pathologically self-sacrificing) so I'm not dealing too well with being called selfish, especially when they have done outrageously selfish things and I treat them more selflessly than everyone else in my life put together. I'm probably overreacting but I just feel bad.

I also feel like I'm betraying them by coming on here  like me being here is a testament to me being attention seeking and selfish since I don't actually have it as hard as others here

Is it possible that they are projecting their own shortcomings onto me because they are frustrated by them? I always thought my selflessness was the only thing that allowed me to survive next to their selfishness so I'm really antsy today

[rumblelina]

oh and thank you for the kind words and welcome   I don't know how to edit a post so sorry for the extra one!

[waverider]

You will learn here to believe in yourself, and your own needs are important (what they may call selfish),before you are in the right space to attend to their wants and needs in a balanced way.

To become proactive rather than reactive.

The fact you are here is not betraying them, that would be walking out the door. Being here shows you care enough to make the effort. You are already proving yourself better than many, you will learn to believe this as part of the process.

[waverider]

oh and thank you for the kind words and welcome   I don't know how to edit a post so sorry for the extra one!

the edit function is only available for a limit time to general members, to correct typos etc. Editing much later confuses any following posts, I think this is common with many forum formats

[Chosen]

Hi rumblelina,

I used to get this type of accusations a lot.  Some of those are projections (what they do, then project onto you), while others are just accusations made because they misunderstood you/ want to accuse you/ don't trust you/ no good reason.

I know it's incredibly hard to swallow how they seem to look at you.  What I find useful is SET.  And in the "truth" bit I only talk about myself and not them.  For example if the pwBPD accuses me of lying and I'm not, but he is, I don't deal with the "he is" part.  There is a time for everything and it's never wise to attack others when they are talking negatively about you (looks like a bad attempt of self-defense).  So I may say things like:

S (Sympathy): I know that you're really hurt now and feel that you've been lied to.

E(Empathy): I'd feel the same if I feel somebody is lying to me too.

T (True): (don't use the word "but"  What I have told you just now is the truth.  It is ______ (the truth).

You stick to your truth even though they may not buy it.  They may never be swayed to accept your truth, but this is not your intention.  Meanwhile, you should also try to understand that he may have his own idea of truth and you can do nothing but leave him to it.  Oh, and also, don't JADE (you can learn more about that in the Lessons ------>.  Take care!

[SleepsOnSofa]

Hi, Rumblelina and everyone else,

I'm new here, just arriving from the introduction board, where I figured out that what I need to do for the foreseeable future is stay, and where I need to be is in this Staying forum. Eventually I'll get a chance to tell you all more about myself (or you can go read my thread in the Intro forum), but let me say for now that I have a uBPDw and a wonderful 6 year old daughter.

I deal with these sort of projected accusations a lot. My wife accuses me of having picked the fights she started; she accuses me of interrupting her, when I sit silently for five or ten minutes listening patiently while she tells me all the things that I did that were wrong, and then cuts me off in the middle of my first sentence when I try to respond; she accuses me of lying to her, when she's the one with the history of lying to me, mostly about stuff that didn't matter. There's more of this sort of thing, but it's tiresome to list it.

I do think there's one thing that's part of human nature that bears on this, though. I believe that everyone - BPD or not - assumes that everyone thinks the way that they think. If someone is accusing you over and over of something that you're not doing, it's probably because that's what they would do in your situation. Everyone assumes that everyone else is exactly as honest, moral, ethical, loyal and trustworthy as they are, no more, no less. So if someone is accusing you of something over and over, you need to be on the lookout for them to be doing it to you. For example, if someone is accusing you of cheating them in a business exchange in some way, check the facts and figures closely, because that probably means they'd be taking advantage of you if they could find a way to do it without getting caught. It's easy enough to transfer this concept to personal relationships, so I'll leave that to all of you to do for yourself.

The point is, projection isn't just a BPD thing... .the fallout of the projection, however, can be very very BPD.

[efarns]

Thank you Rumbelina for this question.  This is my #1 situation I don't know how to handle.

Hi rumblelina,

I used to get this type of accusations a lot.  Some of those are projections (what they do, then project onto you), while others are just accusations made because they misunderstood you/ want to accuse you/ don't trust you/ no good reason.

I know it's incredibly hard to swallow how they seem to look at you.  What I find useful is SET.  And in the "truth" bit I only talk about myself and not them.  For example if the pwBPD accuses me of lying and I'm not, but he is, I don't deal with the "he is" part.  There is a time for everything and it's never wise to attack others when they are talking negatively about you (looks like a bad attempt of self-defense).  So I may say things like:

S (Sympathy): I know that you're really hurt now and feel that you've been lied to.

E(Empathy): I'd feel the same if I feel somebody is lying to me too.

T (True): (don't use the word "but"  What I have told you just now is the truth.  It is ______ (the truth).

You stick to your truth even though they may not buy it.  They may never be swayed to accept your truth, but this is not your intention.  Meanwhile, you should also try to understand that he may have his own idea of truth and you can do nothing but leave him to it.  Oh, and also, don't JADE (you can learn more about that in the Lessons ------>.  Take care!

And thank you for this practical and informed post.  I will need to rehearse this for awhile before going home from work today.

[waverider]

The point is, projection isn't just a BPD thing... .the fallout of the projection, however, can be very very BPD.

Unfortunately many BPD traits are mere dysfunctional exaggerations of normal human traits. This is why they are not always startlingly obvious upfront until the handbrake comes off in the privacy of close relationships.

It is also why it can cause self doubt in us as there may be shred of subconcious truth in it, which you can be tempted to believe if you dont have such a strong sense of self.

Projection as stated often acts like a perverse form of dobbing themselves in, when you suspected nothing. Almost like a proactive defensive reaction, when non is necessary

[Hope26]

Rumblelina, as far as feeling guilty for being on this website, please don't.  As Waverider said, how can you have betrayed him when you haven't walked out, but are instead seeking solutions?  I was just thinking this morning how incredible it is that so many of us have actually figured out that it is a mental illness we're dealing with, and even which one specifically it appears to be.  My uBPDh has two ex-wives who left him 'for no reason' according to him.  I have no doubt now that they saw his behavior as some kind of 'craziness' and just concluded they couldn't deal with it.  It takes intelligence and a lot of perception to figure out what's going on with these folks, and to try and stay and work it out. That if nothing else should boost our own feelings of self-worth, besides alleviating any sense of guilt for seeking help.

[Chosen]

Rumblelina, as far as feeling guilty for being on this website, please don't.  As Waverider said, how can you have betrayed him when you haven't walked out, but are instead seeking solutions?

Exactly!  So many people would have already given up, but instead we are all here to look for ways to handle the relationship a bit better.  My uBPDh doesn't know I'm on here and I'm make sure he doesn't, because he wouldn't like me talking about him some webpage, but please don't feel that you're betraying them in any way.  You're trying to help them in a way they is useful (if you told them they wouldn't understand anyway). 

Oh, and also, pwBPDs seem to love playing the "selfish" card.  I got lots of that, and that really hurt me because I do a lot of things for my pwBPD which he may not know, and he somehow twists the reason for my actions as selfishness.  Again.  They are not thinking rationally or logically.  They are thinking with their emotions and it's not an accurate representation of you.  I know it's easier said than done, but you will have to learn not to overthink their accusations.