Attached so much meaning and identity to my ex; im scared

[dontknow2]

My 20 year relationship with my dBPDexh is super complicated. I have my own mental health issues and been in therapy for 3 years now. As I continue my self-reflection, I realize why I kept going back. It is questionable if I really loved him but thought I'd share my realizations and timeline. The breakup is a tidal wave of emotion because of how much I tied to the relationship unconsciously. The more I feel the pain/grieve/get angry, the more I uncover. It's scary.

Phase I (Year 1 - 2)

1) My ex displayed emotion like anger, rage I was suppressing and afraid to display. I was learning from him and living vicariously through him.

2) I wanted to validate my low self-worth with the way he treated me. To one, confirm it and two, to wake up.

3) He called out parts of me hidden before I was ready to face them... .like my own desires to be better looking, wanting to be rich, being jealous, etc... It's almost like I couldn't leave because he knew more about me than I did.

In between this, I tried another attempt at the relationship with the new refined, therapized me... .to no avail.

Phase II (Year 3)

1) I realized my fear of rejection and being alone made the breakups unbearable leading to... .

2) I felt rejected by my father since he left when I was 2 and only came around for a quick visit every few years. Women/sex/looks and money were my father's draw. So, I ending up marrying my father to one, wake up to my childhood feelings and two, in hopes my ex loved me enough to stop it and resolve my Dad's problem (as well as his).

3) My mother, who probably had BPD, had rages and suicidal attempts growing up. I was her crutch. So when my ex came along and told her to not use me anymore (cuz he was taking over), he felt like my savior.

Phase III (Just recently)

1) I feel like BPD lives dormant inside me. I can activate it if I want to and did through periods in my relationship. I can now see that my attempts to heal my ex were attempts to heal me, my mother, my father, and who knows who else from my family's past. If my ex and I could learn to love each other, it's like the whole problem would be solved.

2) Compelled feelings to get into fetal positions, take a bath, or confined spaces when crying made me realize I am trying to start over from scratch/from the womb.

If I am going through all this, I can't imagine what is inside my ex. I am more sympathetic as to why he refuses therapy. It may be his own guardian angel doing its work. Because it can really suck. Yet, I am learning how to love myself even though my family didn't know how... .or at least this is what I tell myself to get through.

[Surnia]

Hi dont2know

Good you have been in therapy, and keep going. 

Its a brave step.

May I ask you, what exactly is scary for you?

[dontknow2]

Hello Surnia,

Yes, therapy was one of the best decisions in my life. I find it scary at every turn, there is more to uncover and work through. When I feel like I get somewhere, another bomb drops. I worry the bombs will not stop, full BPD will activate, or emotional wounds will not heal even if scars remain ( :'( doesn't let up).

That said, I feel a little better today. I guess the purging will just continue for a while.