the many ways to avoid self love

[doubleAries]

I have a horrible track record with "intimate" relationships. Without going into an accounting list, suffice it to say for now that I am finally divorced (for the 3rd time) from my last alleged relationship of 18 years with a seriously mentally ill man (bipolar 1 mixed with psychotic features, NPD, ASPD). It was a massive struggle to get out of that relationship and it cost me almost everything I had. We were divorced in July, but still work together in my wholesale business. I sold him my home and property because I couldn't get him to leave, and bought myself another home.

I felt utterly trapped in that relationship for most of the entire relationship. I was a psychiatric nurse, not a wife. I was a convenient target for projection, not a friend to be trusted and to share with. My ex built himself up by putting me (and others) down, I was not a respected, valued partner.

So imagine my surprise and disgust when, a couple of weeks ago, I found myself entertaining thoughts of seducing him. I did not act on this insanity--instead I went through the lengthy list in my mind of why I divorced him in the first place, what it cost me--financially and emotionally--to escape. I didn't allow myself the justifications I was making up to myself ("we get along so much better now that we are divorced"... .etc, etc, etc)

I have to admit that one of the biggest things that kept me from actually seducing him again was picturing myself having to explain to my T why I had done this. I've been going to T for almost 2 years now. I have no desire at all to lie in therapy (that pretty much defeats the purpose of going, in my opinion) and omission IS lying in my book. Ok, so whatever it takes.

But I don't want not having to explain something to my T to be my main brake check in life. I need a better motivation than that. So I sat down for some pretty serious soul searching.

For these past 2 years, my weekly counseling sessions keep coming back to the same thing over and over and over. Self love. Having grown up in a mind bogglingly abusive family, I find myself confronting my disconnect between thinking and feeling. THINKING I deserve happiness, love, value. But not FEELING it. Which leads to choices that leave my thinking self screaming WTF ARE YOU DOING?

In other words, avoiding self love.

I'm not comfortable at all with the phrase "self love". It sounds too narcissistic to me. So on my next T session, I spilled my guts to my counselor, even telling him that the thought of explaining to him (T) why I had seduced the man I struggled for years to escape was what kept me from seducing him (ex). I told him I also understood that a big part of this desire to seduce ex was an avoidance of what I needed to do--learn to love myself. He asked me what, in my wildest imagination, I wanted from a healthy relationship, what I think love is. I told him I think love is composed of many things, the greatest being respect, trust, and value. So he gave me a little "homework" exercise. Told me that twice a day, for 15 minutes, I should practice some mindfulness... .bring myself into the RIGHT NOW, and when I was there, picture what it would take for me to give myself those things that I want from someone else.

OK, self value, self respect, self trust--these don't sound as narcissistic to me as "self love". I've been doing this exercise, but don't always remember to do it twice a day (or even every day). At first, I immediately tried to avoid the exercise by saying things to myself like "how stupid. OF COURSE people trust their own selves. How dumb is this?" but immediately I flashed on how many times I have sat in my chair at T and said "I'm not to be trusted. I am attracted to extremely dysfunctional relationships that I don't even want to be in. I can't trust myself and therefore have no business being in a relationship at all".

It finally occurred to me that a person who has self respect, self value, self trust (dare I say "self love"?) is not going to be attracted to a personality disordered person, or a psychotic person. Is not trying to help or fix in order to earn love, value, respect, trust. Take care of the pennies and the dollars take care of themselves. This small but powerful ray of hope emerged in my mind that just maybe one day I actually could have a healthy relationship with someone. It seems so much easier* to cling to that place of "but he did this or that! He's a jerk, and so was this one, that one and this other one!" (*easier meaning more familiar--not necessarily less upheaval or emotionally tearing)

Obviously I have a long way to go with this, but the journey starts with the first step. Just thinking out loud here, to make this more concrete. Thoughts, comments, etc welcome.

[fromheeltoheal]

I too have gotten hung up on terms like self love, not so much because it seems narcissistic, but because it just seems so foreign, mysterious and hard to do, especially when you add things like "learning to love myself" or "working on loving myself; it seems like you need to go to a love retreat for a year or get a PhD in love or something.  Bunch of crap.

I like simple, simple works for me, and the best things are the simplest.  So instead of 'learning to love myself' or 'working on loving myself', how about just loving myself?  Just do it.  Well how?  What works for me is realizing that I, and most people, treat other people better than I treat myself, way better most of the time for this people pleaser.  So what if a ten year old boy came to me lost, scared and cold: how would I treat him?  I'd take him somewhere warm, feed him, validate his feelings, build rapport and let him talk, nurture him so he felt safe.  So loving myself is just treating myself the same way, exactly the same way.  Just take care of that little boy in me, and the adult who not surprisingly has the same needs.  Weird at first, but makes total sense to me and feels good, and beats the hell out of calling myself an idiot and putting everyone else's needs first until I'm exhausted.  And it's extremely simple.

And for bonus points?  Try looking yourself in the eyes in the mirror and saying "I love you", not faking it, really doing it with commitment.  Very weird at first, mostly because we're not used to it, but it gets easier and starts to feel really good.

Another bonus?  Once I do that for a while and take it out into the world, people perceive me and respond to me differently.  Someone who genuinely loves themselves, just because they keep it simple and DO it, nothing more, is very attractive.  Love attracts love.  My upbringing wasn't bad, but my parents certainly never told me they loved me and didn't validate much if ever, some people are just lucky enough to pick better parents, so people like you and me need to practice loving ourselves a little more, but it ain't hard, just do it.  Take care of you!

[doubleAries]

HtoH,

Yes, you are right. Love retreat indeed! 

My T has tried to get me to imagine a 6 or 8 or 10 year old version of myself sitting in the chair next to me, crying, and what would I do to comfort this child (me)? I can't. It's too weird. Like being a multiple personality or something! I think I'm also taking it to literal. But I don't really know how NOT to.

I do notice in other areas of my life where I'm not so sketchy that confidence attracts confidence. But for some reason have a really difficult time transposing that over to the sketchy areas. All of a sudden it's some amazing mystery I can't fathom.

When I have practiced the exercise my T gave me, what I see is enforcing boundaries. That's another theme that keeps popping up over and over in T. Boundaries. I can do this easily in the not so sketchy areas of my life. But again, in the sketchy areas it becomes the unfathomable mystery. The common denominator emotion being GUILT. I know there's a ball of squirming somethings under--pushing--that guilt. But haven't quite identified them yet. Seems so easy to just say NO. In the little scripts in my mind anyway. In real situations, the "guilt" smashes me into submission. Then I'm involved in something I never wanted to be involved in.

ARGH!

[fromheeltoheal]

My T has tried to get me to imagine a 6 or 8 or 10 year old version of myself sitting in the chair next to me, crying, and what would I do to comfort this child (me)? I can't. It's too weird. Like being a multiple personality or something! I think I'm also taking it to literal. But I don't really know how NOT to.

Cool that your T was on the same path I was, validating and thank you.  How about instead of imagining that little girl next to you how about in you?  Too weird?  I guess I don't really imagine a physical younger me, it's just pretty easy to feel how 10 year old me would feel at any given time, and focusing on keeping him happy changes everything for me, allows me to stand up for myself better and prioritize around keeping him happy.  I'm not a parent, but it's how I would imagine treating a son, and it is literally reparenting myself.

When I have practiced the exercise my T gave me, what I see is enforcing boundaries. That's another theme that keeps popping up over and over in T. Boundaries. I can do this easily in the not so sketchy areas of my life. But again, in the sketchy areas it becomes the unfathomable mystery. The common denominator emotion being GUILT. I know there's a ball of squirming somethings under--pushing--that guilt. But haven't quite identified them yet. Seems so easy to just say NO. In the little scripts in my mind anyway. In real situations, the "guilt" smashes me into submission. Then I'm involved in something I never wanted to be involved in.

ARGH!

I learned the difference between guilt and shame recently: guilt says I did something bad, shame says I am bad.  Major distinction for me, since I focused on guilt a lot too, but turns out I was wrong; the core of it is shame, since I grew up wondering if I was loved or not and never getting validated, and concluding that's because I must be 'bad.'  I've since learned that my parents did love me very much, they just sucked at expressing it and were stressed out of their minds.  Hey whatever.  And sure, I've done a lot of things I shouldn't have, but that was secondary; the reason I did them is primary, the shame underneath.  Brene Brown, an author talked about a lot around here, has some very good books and TED talks on the subject.  Recommended.

[doubleAries]

Hmmm... .I suppose it's a combination of guilt and shame. I grew up in a pretty extreme situation. My mom perfectly fit the diagnostic criteria for Sadistic Personality Disorder (which no longer exits in the DSM). By necessity, all my brothers and I spent a great deal of our childhoods emotionally numb--mom escalated severely when she got an emotional reaction to her torture. So it's quite difficult to connect with the feelings of the younger me.

Plus, mom always made sure to let all us kids know that it was our fault she acted the way she did. As an adult, and even as a kid, I knew this wasn't true. On the conscious, rational level anyway. On the unconscious (underdeveloped) emotional level, that message apparently took deep root. I know my brothers and I believed to some extent that we had some control over the outcome of her behavior. You know--the usual stuff; "if I don't do this or that, she won't explode" or "if I keep my mouth shut when she demands to know what I'm thinking while she's spitting in my face and slapping me, I'll get in trouble but she'll calm down". The explosions, of course, weren't really about what we did or didn't do, and as we tried to conform our behavior to the idea of minimizing those explosions (which is indeed a form of accepting the blame of causing them) the explosions--which were inevitable--became seemingly more and more random. It became harder to anticipate what would set her off and therefore adapt our behavior. This alone was excruciating.

As an adult, I still seem to believe on some unconscious level that other peoples anger, distress, pain, what have you, is my fault/responsibility. I've done something wrong/bad or they wouldn't feel that way. And if I don't "fix" it, they will hate me and I'll be "IN TROUBLE". On the logical level, I of course understand this is false--that I am not responsible for anyone elses emotions (happy or not) nor are they responsible for mine (happy or not). But these underdeveloped emotions of guilt/shame arise, following the predictable ingrained pattern (which is what unconscious actually means) and I can't seem to just allow the feelings to run their course, to be experienced and not acted upon in some way to alleviate them.

The guilt/shame is mixed with a big fat dose of fear. Fear of the impending explosion. An explosion I know (on the rational level) is not actually coming. Uh, unless I happen to marry a paranoid delusional bipolar person, where I can better use my extreme coping skills.

This is good--thanks for hearing me out. This helps me put this into understandable terms  . On a rational level, not an emotional one  . Can't seem to go to that place (the emotional place). I keep trying to solve this dilemma rationally, but it's an emotional dilemma.  

On the rational level, I understand that others issues are their issues. But when the emotional aspect crops up, I'm at a loss and start behaving like I did as a kid---I must prevent the inevitable explosion at all costs! If I do not successfully navigate this mine field, I will pay forever! It's tiresome.

[fromheeltoheal]

Whoa, your mother sounds like a real treat; sorry you went through that.

A lot of people call their upbringing dysfunctional, I call mine nonfunctional.  I had parents who loved me but had absolutely no idea how to express it, and we all went through the motions superficially with no emotional content.  I spent my childhood wondering if I was loved, although plenty of folks have had it a lot more challenging.  It's good you're seeing a professional, hopefully you can work through some of that, and yes, the core things, the things that matter, are emotions not thoughts.  Years ago I was seeing a counselor who was big on TFA's, thoughts, feelings, actions, what we think about, focus on, determines how we feel, which in turn determines how we act.  Useful at the time, but later I learned a concept 'emotion is created by motion', in that depressed people hold their body in a depressed stance, happy people a happy stance, etc.  So our physiology, how we hold our body, are we tense or relaxed, breathing shallow or full, as well as what we're focusing on, determines how we feel moment to moment.  That mindset fits a lot better for me than thinking there's a whole bunch of deeply ingrained, hardwired, unconscious behaviors and traits that are fixed and elusive; I like the concept of being in control of my emotions, and my parents no longer matter.  Hallelujah!

I'm a people pleaser, since I assumed early that I had to behave a certain way to get attention and/or something I thought was love, so I've always focused out to see how to act, instead of focusing in, similar to you feeling responsible for other people's emotions.  My borderline 'experience' was finally the pain I needed to break out of that, and I'm now putting my needs first, not perfectly, but great strides.  Thanks BPD.

Thanks for sharing what's going on with you.  You and I have a similar number of posts and joined this site around the same time, which is cool.  Take care of you!

[doubleAries]

As a kid, I sincerely believed that as soon as I grew up and moved away from my moms insanity, everything would just be OK. I really believed that. I didn't see the impact it had on me. My focus was to not be like her, not realizing I wasn't like her, so that wasn't the issue--being like me (my reactions to her) was the issue. That I would drag this around behind me (and in front of me too, I guess).

I tried, instinctively, to just "move on" as it were. Believed pretty much exactly what you are saying here, about acting what I wanted to be, think, feel.

But eventually ran square into this roadblock I speak of, of a disconnect between thoughts and feelings. I mean I made it an impressively long ways that way, on my own, thinking things through (with an underpinning belief that I didn't need to do much about emotions, that they are weak and consuming and ... .well, creepy). But as I said before, keep finding myself emotionally "bullied" into situations/relationships I don't want to be in. For fear of... .not entirely sure what.

I don't think those ingrained things are "Fixed", per se. I think we can "reprogram" ourselves over time. I don't think "unconscious" is some mystical elusive "other" part of us, either. I see it as, say for example, walking. There was a time when we were learning to walk when we had to focus intensely on how to do it (just like learning anything else). Once it becomes automatic, we don't have to focus on it anymore--and in fact if we did, it becomes difficult. I've tried that--focusing on "how to walk"--and it becomes quite difficult. Once something becomes automatic, that IS "unconscious". That's what "un/sub conscious" is. If something happened to your leg, you certainly could relearn to walk. My stepdad had his right arm cut off--he had to learn to use his left arm and hand. And he did.

I don't see why it would be any different as far as learning physical tasks as emotional ones. We learn how to act or react, and with a lot of practice, it becomes automatic (unconscious). A habit, if you will. Habits are hard to break. Especially ones you can't clearly see because they aren't physical.

If you can identify the problem, you can fix it. Part of what I am grappling with here is identifying the problem... .

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, and the world we are exposed to when we are very young, preverbal and still developing mentally, say less than 3, gets hardwired into our brains and becomes part of 'who we are'.  I see beliefs as software, and software can be deleted or upgraded, although hardware changes are virtually impossible.  The key is to pick good parents, although without the ones we got we wouldn't exist, so whaddya gonna do?  As I've gotten older I've noticed my parent's influence more and more, in fact I have a lot of similarities with my father, and I actually don't mind, we were never close but i was OK with him.  And turns out the women I like are as completely opposite from my mother as possible; somethin goin on there... .

Your latest reminded me of people pleaser me, where I too have been emotionally bullied, although I've been my own worst enemy by not standing up for myself and putting everyone else's needs first.  Being concerned, empathetic and caring towards other people is a good thing, but not at my own expense.  I don't know your BPD experience, but the gift of mine was she was the person who finally pushed me too far, I was more pissed off than I've ever been at her, a natural response to abuse, and it's seemed to have a snowball effect, where many old slights and situations where I didn't stand up for myself, pissed me off all over again, and I'm proud to report that doesn't happen anymore moving forward.  Aggressive isn't as good as assertive but it's a lot better than passive, and I'm giving myself credit for at least moving out of passive.  And thanks BPD.

Good luck on your problem identification, keep us posted, and take care of you!