Alcohol use and the BPD relationship.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I was always a drinker before I met my wife.  I could surely tie one on. But I had never abused alcohol like I did when I was with her.  We drank every day to get drunk.  We totally enabled each other in this.  We were both using alcohol to cope with our own problems and to mask the problems of our relationship. But of course, as we all know, the alcohol only made things worse.  Our worst moments were when we had been drinking heavily.  These were usually the times when she would "turn" into her alter ego.  There would be no calming her down, no rationalizing and really no escape for me. She would follow me if I tried to leave the situation.  And it almost always happened very late at night, when there was no place for me to go, and it probably wouldn't have been safe for me to drive anyway.

I've been alcohol free for the first time in my adult life for almost 5 months now. Thank God!  I don't think I could deal with this breakup and be drinking like I did.  The funny thing is, is that she said she would consider taking me back if I remained sober for a year. Her own father said that didn't seem right. "She could keep drinking, but I had to stop?"  I did stop drinking as I mentioned and within weeks she met someone else, was in love, broke up and then on to another who she has just moved in with. And he drinks, she continues to drink, and I stay sober.  Just wondering if drinking is common in relationships involving BPD. Thanks for any insight/stories.

[Tincanmike]

I was always a drinker before I met my wife.  I could surely tie one on. But I had never abused alcohol like I did when I was with her.  We drank every day to get drunk.  We totally enabled each other in this.  We were both using alcohol to cope with our own problems and to mask the problems of our relationship. But of course, as we all know, the alcohol only made things worse.  Our worst moments were when we had been drinking heavily.  These were usually the times when she would "turn" into her alter ego.  There would be no calming her down, no rationalizing and really no escape for me. She would follow me if I tried to leave the situation.  And it almost always happened very late at night, when there was no place for me to go, and it probably wouldn't have been safe for me to drive anyway.

I've been alcohol free for the first time in my adult life for almost 5 months now. Thank God!  I don't think I could deal with this breakup and be drinking like I did.  The funny thing is, is that she said she would consider taking me back if I remained sober for a year. Her own father said that didn't seem right. "She could keep drinking, but I had to stop?"  I did stop drinking as I mentioned and within weeks she met someone else, was in love, broke up and then on to another who she has just moved in with. And he drinks, she continues to drink, and I stay sober.  Just wondering if drinking is common in relationships involving BPD. Thanks for any insight/stories.

[Perfidy]

As I understand it... .The alcohol and drugs must be removed before a diagnosis of BPD can be made. Dual diagnosis does occur. Alcohol and drug abuse produce BPD like symptoms. If the symptoms persist in the absence of drugs/alcohol then diagnosis can be made, pointing out that just stopping abuse isn't the same as recovery. Treat the abuse first is the rule of thumb. Abuse mimics BPD. I'm not an expert... Been there with a dual diagnosed pwBPD.

[Tincanmike]

As I understand it... .The alcohol and drugs must be removed before a diagnosis of BPD can be made. Dual diagnosis does occur. Alcohol and drug abuse produce BPD like symptoms. If the symptoms persist in the absence of drugs/alcohol then diagnosis can be made, pointing out that just stopping abuse isn't the same as recovery. Treat the abuse first is the rule of thumb. Abuse mimics BPD. I'm not an expert... Been there with a dual diagnosed pwBPD.

One of the latest impatient visits for her lasted about a month with no alcohol and they diagnosed her with Bi-Polar.  She stopped drinking for awhile as did I and she took her medication and went to therapy, which helped.  But she gained weight, lost a lot of self-esteem and stopped taking her meds. She said she was better and didn't need the medicine anymore.  And then we both started back into the drinking.   We both should have known better.  Thanks for the insight, I truly do appreciate it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Substance abuse is a possible trait of BPD, then again it's a possible trait of a lot of things.  Drinking enough to get drunk every day is a problem, whether you have a personality disorder or not.

I drank a little bit with my borderline ex, she wasn't a big drinker, food was her drug of choice.  The times we did get a little buzzed it just made the disconnect that already existed between us worse, and never helped.  The thing I noticed early was that when I left after being with her for the weekend or whatever, I had a strong urge to go have a few drinks, kind of like you do when you go through a heavily traumatic experience and need a few to take the edge off after.  Needing to do that and still going back for more were major red flags that I ignored, silly me, and in fact when I'm in a good relationship I usually don't want to drink at all.  Hmmmm. 

[paul16]

I would say that substance abuse is very common. I think that the statistic is over 50% of BPD, NPD, HPD diagnosis are co-morbid with substance abuse.

In my case, my exBPDgf was a garden variety alcoholic. Which became her excuse for any behavior that was hurtful to anyone in any way. If she cheated, it was the alcohol that clouded her judgement for example. She knew that she had a serious drinking problem and couldn't address the other issues in her life until that was dealt with. But the other issues in her life were what was causing her to drink. Vicious circle.

I drank with her as I was more of a drunk than an alcoholic. She always seemed to make sure that there was plenty of my beverage of choice around thinking that if I was drinking then I wouldn't notice how much she was drinking. We split up about three weeks after I gave up drinking. She went on the get into massive trouble from her alcohol problems (multiple DUI's and jail time) and I have no reason to believe that she ever stopped drinking.

I have stayed away from alcohol and am much happier alone than I was even at the height of her ideation of me. She had me convinced that I was her one and only forever and she is one of the sexiest women who ever lived. I was under her spell and she used alcohol to help cast it.

[fromheeltoheal]

She had me convinced that I was her one and only forever and she is one of the sexiest women who ever lived. I was under her spell

Now there's something I can relate to 100%.

[ShadowDancer]

FIVE MONTHS! WAHOO! That's BIG! Congratulations!

Several very wise words were mentioned here. That being in sobriety is not necessarily being in recovery.

We drank A LOT together as well. Actually that type of drinking was way out of character for me. Over the course of several years it did get out of hand and my personality actually began to change, and not for the better. I have been sober now for over a year. For me it has not been about just stopping the alcohol but stopping the mind set that leads to it. I did sober up for myself only. Let me tell you there have been days when I thought three fingers would have made everything so much easier but I did not bend that elbow. It has not been always easy. Now that I have some time under my belt and I continue to go to one mens group per week I cannot imagine being in the stupor again. My old happy go lucky self is returning and I'm handling stress so much better.

I look at it as much more than a lost weekend... .it was lost years and such a waste.

[Conundrum]

When we met, she was a blackout drunk, three months off meth. Back then, told her, a relationship wasn't possible if she didn't give up the booze. She went clean for over six years. Lucky 2013, when we split, she's done every substance imagineable. I've partied with her this year, but I have little patience with moronic tweakers. She's interesting in various ways, on various substances.  It's opening a Pandora's box, where childhood ghosts, and disordered  quasi-adult needs are unleashed. We've gone to some dark places messed up. For me it's both liberating and cancerous at the same time. She's in jail now.

[Findingmysong723]

 The Signs/Symptoms Of The Syndrome

A recovering alcoholic needs to be aware of the typical signs of Dry Drunk Syndrome in order to prevent falling into relapse. You need to undertake timely and appropriate action if you observe the following signs:

•   Feelings of superiority – When a recovering alcoholic fails to achieve sober realism, he or she exaggerates his sense of self-importance. This skewed mindset may be manifested either as strength or weakness in character.

•   Intolerance – An alcoholic is prone to make inappropriate evaluations and tend to become exceedingly judgmental in his or her actuations and interaction with other people. This can sometimes develop into anger management problems, which greatly complicate the recovery process.

•   Misplaced value judgment - The need for instant gratification of one’s personal desires becomes the overriding concern of an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic loses his or her sense of priority to a point that even a passing fancy is given due course over that of the more essential concerns.

•   Unpremeditated acts – Failure to control the need for instant gratification will trigger impulsive acts and feelings. This impulsiveness will ultimately force a person to ignore the implications of his or her actions and decisions.

•   Vacillation – A person who tends to become impulsive will also be indecisive. Indecisiveness occurs when an alcoholic fails to weigh the implications of his or her action or decision. He or she vacillates when faced with several courses of action and ends up not taking action at all.

Other behaviors that can be part of this syndrome are as follows:

•   Abrupt shifts from depression to euphoria

•   Inability to express feelings and emotions naturally

•   Lack of introspection

•   Evidence of distortion and distraction

•   Avoid emotional connection or attachment

•   Unrealistic appreciation of self-worth

•   Detachment from reality

[feelingcrazy7832]

This is an interesting post. I'm glad to hear I wasn't the only one who was definitely drinking more in my relationship with my exBPD boyfriend. He was addicted to vicodin and also abusing xanax and alot of adderall. He was a disaster. Ended up in rehab and then in jail towards the end of our relationship. I found myself coping with the craziness by drinking which always made everything worse. What was telling to me is that when he was in jail I had drinks one night only and it was only 1 or 2. I felt great. He got out of jail, it took a week for us to get in a blow out fight which ended up spiraling into crazy land and I found myself drinking for a week straight. I never do that. Luckily I stopped, we broke up for what seems like the 50th time and I feel slowly better and don't drink like I did again.

Obviously, you can't blame someone else for your decisions to drink but in my case, I had to realize this person was driving me to do things that normally I wouldn't do and it was toxic for me.

[MrFox]

My exBPDgf is a high functioning pwBPD and I would also say she is a high functioning alcoholic.  There were only a few times I saw here visibly drunk and each time it ended with her crying hysterically over whatever slight, real or perceived, had happened recently.  However, she did, and probably still does, drink daily.  I never realized how much until one night we were hanging out and I went to make myself a drink.  I had brought over a bottle two nights before and it was nearly empty.  And the half a bottle of vodka that had been next to it was also gone.  I mentioned it to her and she said she was having a bad week.

The next day she gave me a song and dance about how she needed to slow down on the drinking and would only have one when we were together.  That lasted about a week.  She refuses to take pain killers or really any kind of meds, but uses alcohol to kill the pain.  I think that goes double for the pain on the inside.  I don't think it is necessarily a sign of BPD but a sign of someone who has deep, emotional wounds.  I know there have been times in my life were I have self medicated with alcohol.

I drank way more when I was with her then I had in years and I drink way less now.  She always had what I drank on hand and loved to get me drinks.  She said she loved the ritual of the whole process and she often said she loved serving "her man".  I think she also loved not drinking alone.  Since we broke up she accuses me of being an alcoholic.  Cause she's a peach like that.

[maxen]

my high-functioning stbxw got so drunk in 2009 that she passed out and forgot to make the thanksgiving preparations that she volunteered to make. she was annoyed that i was annoyed about this. i'm a bit uptight and found her lack of apology kind of a turn-on (though not the drinking itself). that wasn't the only time. she was a slurred-speech, pass-out, forgot-what-she-did drunk more than once. she called herself an alcoholic. here i go into the FOG: if i had been more ... .if i had done more ... .but you know what they say, "you didn't cause it and you can't fix it." i didn't try to get her off it. i'd always drunk this way: got well faced maybe 3x a year, dry the other 362 days. with her i learned to enjoy bourbon, alot, and splurge for cocktails. but i can drink as much as i want and remain lucid.

but she is also certainly a pwBPD, and soothed not only with drinking but with eating and driving speedily (and, in her 20s, pulling out her fingernails). i still don't know if her "forgetting" and disorganization was passive-aggressive BPDism, or the alcohol. my psychiatrist says that we'd have had to get past the alcohol before we could address the BPD.

[GreenMango]

Just wanted to say congratulations on the 5 month sobriety!  

That's a big accomplishment.

[Perfidy]

I know a person that lived with a practicing meth abuser. She told me that after the abuser stopped using and got into recovery that they were even harder to live with. I have met a few recovering alkies that claimed to have many years sobriety. Lived everything by the book. No offense, I couldn't be around them for very long because I felt like they wanted me to be as excited about their recovery as they were. I know it's a big deal for them. It just doesn't seem healthy to make it the largest feature of life. I really don't understand a lot about alcoholism or addiction. I know it is a matter of life or death for some people. I drink. Sometimes I even get drunk. Not often. I go for months without drinking. I'm ok with that. I drank kind of heavy for a couple months after the break up. I wasn't in the field so it wasn't affecting much more than my state of mind. I suppose it is an excellent example of poor coping skills. It was before I started being focused on healing. Not sure if this drinking hurt or helped. My behavior didn't get wackier... ., of course I was already wacky from everything that happened to me... The fire. The breakup. Several deaths in my family. I needed to flush the toilet.

During the sick relationship I did drink. Not excessively. I, for the most part, am a moderate drinker. I have done an inventory on this and I know I am not an alcoholic. Yes I'm aware that even if I were an alcoholic that's the first thing I would say. So I must point out that while I did say it, it wasn't the first thing. The first thing was meth. The sickness revolved around her mental illness and her drug use. Those were the features that defined the relationship. Everything about it. I wouldn't have become codependent without her dependency. It wasn't healthy. Drugs and mental illness. It doesn't even matter what the drug of choice is. Alcohol is a drug. Speed is a drug. Throw a couple dumbasses in and there you have it. Living the dream!

[Waifed]

The ex was a total slut when she was drunk. I found out the last month of our 3 year thing that she smoked pot almost every day for a couple of years with her ex. I knew she had smoked weed before but had no idea she used to get stoned every day.  It is amazing that the person I thought I loved turned out to be one of the lowest life forms I have ever met. It's baffling really. 

[santa]

I certainly drank more. The whole relationship took a toll on me. I feel so much better physically now.

[Aw511]

He did not drink daily or alone but when he drank he wouldn't stop. He would then angry, , start fights, cheat, spend money irresponsibly. Then hate himself the next day.  If we were out together and I nicely asked if we could go home soon (how dare I suggest we go home before last call!) he would freak out. Accuse me of trying to change him and steal him from his friends. I would always tell him it was no biggie he could stay out but I am gonna get a cab and head home bc I was tired and then he'd freak about that.

He referred to himself once as "some form of an alcoholic."

I agree.

[newlife3]

Personality disorders and addictions go hand in hand. ie PWBPD and cluster B... use alchol/drugs to regulate emotions.

Another  to add to your pre-screening list for the future!...

[Lucky Jim]

No doubt.  My BPDxW used alcohol to self-medicate and soothe her turbulent emotions, though sometimes it had the opposite effect and caused her to go on drunken rampages.  I've always been a social drinker and enjoy a cocktail or a glass or two of wine at the the end of the day, but I drank a lot more when I was with her.  At one point, her drinking got so out of hand that I was finding empty liquor bottles around the house, which prompted me to seek out a local Al-Anon chapter, which I found quite helpful.  When I confronted her about it, she denied that she had a problem -- in typical BPD fashion.  Those w/BPD are loathe to admit any shortcomings because of their black & white thinking, so it was difficult, if not impossible, to make any progress on her drinking problem.  I wore myself out trying to pick up the slack (we have two children) but eventually I ran out of gas and had to throw in the towel.

Lucky Jim

[happylogist]

My ex started drinking heavily as a teenager and continued. He never considered himself as an alcoholic, but he never was able to stop drinking. He wasn't drinking every day, but normally 3 - 4 days per week and had several times hallucinations and losses of memory. This is where the darkest BPD self-hatred was coming out, when he was drunk. He also was very persuasive about making others, including me drink. I am not a big drinker, but I enjoy very much good wine and food, however with him I always had a feeling that getting drunk was the sole purpose... .

[lost not dead]

 Mine was an alcoholic when I met her but I wanted a sober woman so she quit. For the first 5 years we had no alcohol in the house so no problem. Later when things started getting more tense I enabled her and would pour her a drink because it calmed her second guessing and helped regulate her emotions.  As time passed more and more was needed until it got to the point where alcohol had no affect anymore. She is now a full blown alcoholic.  I know this for a fact from her rages for me not having alcohol in my house for her. At thanksgiving she knew I would not have anything for her and she was flying in that day so all the store were closed. She brought 2 bottles of wine with her and drank them both without a stutter one. The next day the bottle of Bailey's showed up and then the vodka. But she doesnt have a problem according to her.

[ScotisGone74]

Ahhh yes, Bailey's.   Mine would pour Bailey's in her coffee before she went into work.   And she worked with critically ill patients in a hospital.   sheesh

[arn131arn]

I was always a drinker before I met my wife.  I could surely tie one on. But I had never abused alcohol like I did when I was with her.  We drank every day to get drunk.  We totally enabled each other in this.  We were both using alcohol to cope with our own problems and to mask the problems of our relationship. But of course, as we all know, the alcohol only made things worse.  Our worst moments were when we had been drinking heavily.  These were usually the times when she would "turn" into her alter ego.  There would be no calming her down, no rationalizing and really no escape for me. She would follow me if I tried to leave the situation.  And it almost always happened very late at night, when there was no place for me to go, and it probably wouldn't have been safe for me to drive anyway.

I've been alcohol free for the first time in my adult life for almost 5 months now. Thank God!  I don't think I could deal with this breakup and be drinking like I did.  The funny thing is, is that she said she would consider taking me back if I remained sober for a year. Her own father said that didn't seem right. "She could keep drinking, but I had to stop?"  I did stop drinking as I mentioned and within weeks she met someone else, was in love, broke up and then on to another who she has just moved in with. And he drinks, she continues to drink, and I stay sober.  Just wondering if drinking is common in relationships involving BPD. Thanks for any insight/stories.

It was for me.  I recognized it a few months ago, as well.  I think I drank to forget, to not have to think about coming home to an empty bed, while she slept in my son's bed every night.

She didn't drink with me EVER.  But when it was ladies night or a dinner with friends she sure would.  But I am glad she will not be with me when I am sober.  That's why I love what I chose as my screen quote below:

[free-n-clear]

   My uBPDxgf was & still is an alcoholic and I certainly drank a lot more than I usually do when we were together. I occasionally see her around town and more often than not she's obviously drunk, or well on the way, even if it's only mid-afternoon. Seeing her like that actually helped me to accept that I'd made the right choice in ending the r/s and has made it easier for me to move on. Sometimes at the local pub (where she now lives since we broke up & where many people know both of us) she's so drunk that I feel embarrassed that I was ever in a r/s with her. I don't think she'd need to give up the booze before being diagnosed, as she displays ALL the usual symptoms of BPD, not just 5 of them.     

[Changingman]

The uBPDxgf was a complete and absolute drunk, really shocked me. Would drink after work till she fell down in the street and passed out. Dangerously drunk.

Do every cigarette, every drop of alcohol in the house. Blood vessels on her face, varicose veins on her thigh, bad eczema going into her hairline and bad teeth. Used to joke about dying young from abuse. Thought I could calm it down and did for some periods. I'd drink with her but much more moderately.

Lots of drugs, gurning her face all the time. Overly suggestive and sexually provocative, embarrassing herself always.

God why on earth... .

[iluminati]

Interesting post.  My situation is different in that my stbxw rarely drinks, but when she does, watch out!  She has a tendency to either get fall down drunk or mix pills with liquor.  In the former, all of a sudden, she's comfortable with sex and having deep conversations which she all forgets the moment she sobers up.  In the latter, it got to the point where I couldn't keep alcohol in the house.  I wasn't a heavy drinker by any stretch, maybe drinking a beer once in a blue moon, but I had to become a teetotaler to avoid dealing with the emergency room.