my sister was found dead in her home yesterday

[chayka]

Terribly sorry to hear what has happened.  :'(  Please know that you're in our thoughts and prayers.   

Chayka

[maxen]

hi stymied. my sincerest condolences on your terrible loss. i wish you all the strength, and i second what geeky girl said, in addition to the support you have irl there are more hear who will be happy to listen.

[Tightrope walker]

stymied,

   How are you doing? 

                                           Tightrope walker

[Phoenix.Rising]

Stymied,

I'm saddened to hear of the loss of your sister.  I cannot even imagine what you are going through.  Please know that her decision had nothing to do with you.  She was mentally ill.  My prayers go out for you and your family.  Peace be with you.

Phoenix.Rising

[momtara]

I am so sorry.  My brother has tried it 2x and somehow survived, but it is never easy.  short of staring at them 24 hours a day, you can't prevent a person from doing that, no matter what you said or did.  I am on another board, similar to this, and a woman's son committed suicide last week (he had similar issues).  I also have a friend who took his own life last month (he had a great career and family but longtime depression).  I hope you have people to share in the grieving and that you can share the good memories you have and not blame yourselves for the bad.  Here is a (hug).

[stymied]

hello,

it has been a while since i have checked in and i wanted to thank you all, again, for your kind and supportive posts.  i don't know when i will need to stop hearing/reading that there was nothing we could have done to prevent this tragic outcome, so i am grateful for the consistent messages you are sending me.

the memorial is in 2 weeks.  the question whether i will write and deliver a eulogy has been posed, but i cannot do it.  i simply don't have words to describe how i feel about all of this.

i am up to my eyeballs in papers because she died without a will and there is no surviving spouse and her children are too young to manage it all.  i feel like a terrible person, but i can't wait for this to be over and done with so i can concentrate on my own life again.

i hope the new year is bringing you all peace.

with gratitude,

stymied

[GeekyGirl]

i am up to my eyeballs in papers because she died without a will and there is no surviving spouse and her children are too young to manage it all.  i feel like a terrible person, but i can't wait for this to be over and done with so i can concentrate on my own life again.

stymied, I've been wondering about you--thank you for checking in. 

You're not a terrible person for wanting this to be over. Not only are you grieving, but you're also dealing with some tough administrative and legal tasks. That would be hard on just about anyone. How are you taking care of yourself these days?

the memorial is in 2 weeks.  the question whether i will write and deliver a eulogy has been posed, but i cannot do it.  i simply don't have words to describe how i feel about all of this.

That's ok too. You don't have to say anything. We all grieve differently, and some people grieve more privately than others. This might be a good time to set some limits with the rest of your family. If you're not comfortable delivering the eulogy, there's nothing wrong with asking someone else to deliver it.

[maxen]

hi stymied. my sympathies again, this is a long-term process. please keep posting here from time to time, posters here really are concerned to give support.

the memorial is in 2 weeks.  the question whether i will write and deliver a eulogy has been posed, but i cannot do it.  i simply don't have words to describe how i feel about all of this.

i said nothing at my father's funeral, even after a bit of cajoling from the priest. i haven't felt regret. don't force yourself if it's not in you.

i am up to my eyeballs in papers because she died without a will and there is no surviving spouse and her children are too young to manage it all.

this is very hard and again i sympathise. along with the explosion of my marriage i'm facing my physical deterioration of my emotionally unstable mother and the mountain of arrangements that go with it. make a list and take things one at a time. please pace yourself. reach out for whatever help is available. now is the time to do that.

[MammaMia]

stymied

SO glad to hear from you. 

I did not speak at my brother's funeral.  There was nothing left to say. He also was found dead in his home in another city.  He was single, lived alone, retired, reclusive, and he traveled a lot.  The ME estimated he died from sudden heart failure weeks before he was found.  He was 56.

Close friends and co-workers spoke at his funeral.  My sisters and I just could not do it.  We were too traumatized.  No one saw this coming.

Do not feel guilty if you choose not to do a eulogy.  It is ok.  Some things are better left to others.

Give yourself time to heal and focus on the children.  They need all the love and support the family can muster.

God bless you. 

[SweetCharlotte]

Adding my voice to the others who assure you that you should feel no pressure whatsoever to eulogize your sister. It is enough to grieve and to listen to others. First-degree family members are often not appropriate for delivering eulogies because their feelings are too unsettled. Just like close relatives are often not a good choice for pallbearers.

I didn't speak when my uBPDmom died suddenly in her fifties, when I was in my thirties. I was a mess. However, one of my half-brothers spoke and he was surprisingly "together" about it and quite memorable.

When the recent suicide of my uBPDh's brother occurred, my H and I did not even attend the memorial/funeral. He stays as far away from his family of origin as possible. They trigger him too much and they are often downright abusive. It was another case in which nothing could have been done; my brother-in-law was intent on self-destruction and had alienated everyone.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Stymied,

I'm glad to hear you are doing alright even though it may not feel that way.  You definitely have a lot on your plate right now.  It helps me to take things one day at a time when I am feeling overwhelmed.  You will get through this and life will again settle down a bit.  Easy does it right now.  Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I agree with the others in that there is nothing wrong with not wanting to deliver a eulogy.  We are all keeping you in our thoughts.   

Phoenix.Rising

[buddy1226]

I'm very sorry for you loss. My father committed suicide 14 years ago. It is definitely a different kind of grief.

[Murbay]

Guilt bubbles up to the surface, but my sense of relief seems to eclipse it.  I feel horrible saying that, but it's true.

Stymied,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and sincerely hope that the children are doing alright. It cannot be easy for them right now after losing both parents and can't imagine what they too must be feeling right now  

As for your comment about sense of relief, that is perfectly normal and you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did everything you could and more.

My Step-father committed suicide 5 years ago. Non-pwBPD but a severe alcohol problem he refused to acknowledge. Eventually it got too much for him. I know for me, those feelings of relief are because you know they aren't tortured anymore and can finally be at peace.

Stay strong