My mother also apologizes in really vague ways. If you bring up an actual incident she will always tell you why it wasn't her fault. But she is willing to give really vague apologies such as being sorry for not being a great mother (she will deny or explain away every single specific incident I ever try to talk about of course).
Some BPD people don't even apologize that much from what I've read/heard.
I don't require an apology from her. I require a change in her behavior. Honestly, if she got help and just stopped to continue hurting me and my kids I would welcome her back in my life. I don't need an apology. But she can't change if she won't even admit she's doing something. So, ironically, the reason she can't apologize is also the reason she can't stop doing what she's doing.
Oh man, I can identify with this one-the apologies seemed never to refer to *anything* specific. It was as if there was a block between her(uBPDMom's) psyche and an apology for any specific item. Many times, when she did apologize, it was to get to me to go stop accusing her of anything, and start dishing out the 'poor baby' routine back to her.
It would go like this, let's say, we got on a subject of something she'd done, and had been doing in her behavior, for years, which was not appropriate. If I called her out on this and how it personally hurt me, I would get:
A)"What do you expect me to say?(followed by an angry, disingenuous) I'm sorry!
B)"I've done a lot of things I shouldn't have in my life, but I'm not perfect!"
C)"Listen, you do a lot of things that irritate me to ya know... . "
D)"I don't know why you're bringing this up... ?"
E)"Ok, how's about everyone just jump on me, and blame me for everything-will that make you happy?"
Her favorite one though, is the *blanket apology* for all wrongs committed *in general*("I'm sorry for a lot of the mistakes I've made in my life, and I'm doing the best I can!"
This has always been abhorrent to me, because as the quote above mentioned, I didn't even
need and apology-just an acknowledgement of a mistake(ANY mistake would be good), in the conversation at hand, and a promise(or even suggestion!) that they won't do it again. Even if they were lying, sadly, I feel like I would still feel validation, because it at least appears to show accountability and acknowledgement of error. Making blanket apologies does not cut it-it totally feels like it ignores and negates what I am confronting them about in the first place!
It's almost like a ridiculous image of someone walking their dog along a sidewalk in a typical neighborhood. The dog, needs to do his business, and impolitely, the dog's owner does not bring bags to clean it, nor do they seem to care. The yard owner witnesses this, and a day later, confronts the dog owner with what happened. Then, can you image how goofy it would sound for the dog owner to reply,'Look, I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'm doing the best I can!'
What the heck does that have to do with what's wrong right now? ARRRG!
Needless to say, I still have strong feelings about this topic... .
Oh, and here's a doozy-once in town visiting me, she was in my kitchen, in an unusually happy and silly mood. I had stuff to do that day, and I needed to show her how to do something important in my house so she didn't have to ask me later. I begin to show her, and she instead, begins to quote something from a tv show she likes, trying to make me laugh. I sigh, asking her to please cease her goofing long enough to pay attention, that what I had to say was important. And what does she do? Not a respectful,'Ahem, sorry-what did you need to show me?' No! She sticks out her tongue at me and smiles like a child! This was her creepy attempt to not accept even the responsibility to LISTEN TO INSTRUCTION!
