I am exhausted

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have not been around much lately since my BPDH has decided to stop sleeping in and get up with me.  That was my time to come here.  He entered a phase of wanting to be joined at the hip, doing everything together.  That morphed into an idealization phase, then manic and two days ago he became delusional and he had to be admitted to our local mental health crisis house.  He is still delusional, but they let him go because he was not a threat to anyone and so cannot hold him against his will.  Of course he did not want to be there, so he left.  He is staying with a friend. 

I am mentally and physically worn out with all the stress.  I tried to get our bank to block him from using our line of credit, but I cannot and he took out a lot of money that I have to pay back.  He gave it away to the homeless.  Good cause, but I don't have it to give.  Add worry to all my stress. 

This morning he called and tried to put all the responsibility of when he comes home on me- when I let him, he can come home.  I told him that it is his responsibility to get mentally healthy and then he is welcome home.  He says he has been freed and I am just not wanting him and not listening to him.  It makes me so tired. 

OK, so what did I learn here?  Take care of myself and my kids.  We are going to clean the house up and pick up everything he got out and left half done.  Then we are going to make Christmas cookies and play Christmas music and wrap presents.   Good friends to vent to helps and coming here to know that I am not alone. 

Thanks for being here. 

[Mara2]

I have not been around much lately since my BPDH has decided to stop sleeping in and get up with me.  That was my time to come here.  He entered a phase of wanting to be joined at the hip, doing everything together.  That morphed into an idealization phase, then manic and two days ago he became delusional and he had to be admitted to our local mental health crisis house.  He is still delusional, but they let him go because he was not a threat to anyone and so cannot hold him against his will.  Of course he did not want to be there, so he left.  He is staying with a friend. 

I am mentally and physically worn out with all the stress.  I tried to get our bank to block him from using our line of credit, but I cannot and he took out a lot of money that I have to pay back.  He gave it away to the homeless.  Good cause, but I don't have it to give.  Add worry to all my stress. 

This morning he called and tried to put all the responsibility of when he comes home on me- when I let him, he can come home.  I told him that it is his responsibility to get mentally healthy and then he is welcome home.  He says he has been freed and I am just not wanting him and not listening to him.  It makes me so tired. 

OK, so what did I learn here?  Take care of myself and my kids.  We are going to clean the house up and pick up everything he got out and left half done.  Then we are going to make Christmas cookies and play Christmas music and wrap presents.   Good friends to vent to helps and coming here to know that I am not alone. 

Thanks for being here. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Mara2,  I'm sorry to hear all that you've been through.  If I can make a suggestion, it would be to take time out for yourself.  I was once totally depleted in my marriage to my BPDxW, so I understand where you are coming from.  It's easy to get caught up in all the drama and caretaking, but the reality is that you need time to recharge in your own way.  It might be taking a walk, or reading a book,  or listening to music, or just meditating.  We Nons tend to ignore our own needs in the hurly-burly of a BPD r/s, particularly with children around.  You're not being selfish if you make an effort to take good care of yourself.  Lucky Jim

[Mara2]

Thank you, yes I've learned over the last couple years to take better care of myself.  That is so true. 

An update- H showed up to his counseling appointment over medicated and non-responsive.  They sent him to the hospital in an ambulance and he is being evaluated there right now.  Once he wakes up he will see a mental health professional and they will determine if he needs to be admitted.  I hope he is and they can give him the help he needs.  I'm just glad he is safe for tonight. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Mara2, Sorry to hear!  You have a lot on your plate.  Hope he is admitted and gets professional help.  This sounds way beyond what you can be expected to handle yourself.  Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself in the midst of all that is happening around you.  Lucky Jim

[Mara2]

Well, the hospital let him go because he woke up and pretended to be just fine.  He is now demanding that I let him come Christmas Eve and stay the night so that he can be here Christmas morning.  I told him I don't want him here and he told me I had better get a restraining order and hung up.  He is telling everyone lies that are so obvious they just shake their heads and come and tell me.  This is really hard.

On the one hand I understand his mental agony and confusion and I really empathise with him.  However, if his behavior becomes so risky that it puts us in harms way I want to protect us.  Finding that fine line is really, really hard. 

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello Mara2:

I am very sorry to hear of the turmoil you are going through.  Check out an organization called "Ability Firs" and also check out NIMH site.  They may have some type of support groups for "caregivers", perhaps they have some resources available too that can help.

Now that your husband had been hospitalized for mental health issues, there is clear cut medical records of his illness.  Check with the above organizations as to how to declare him incompetent and how to get him designated as your ward.  Then take the court order to the bank and you can take charge of all the finances and will have the legal authority to make decisions for him.

This is not an action of revenge or anger.  Rather, it is to protect you both.  His giving money away to the homeless would have been a laudable act if it were not an act that endangered you both to homelessness yourselves.

Even if you believe that getting him declared incompetent is the right move at this time, at least research the issue and know the process so that if it does become a beneficial and necessary action at some time in the future, you will be able to implement it more quickly.

In the meantime, don't close out the joint account, just get the credit line eliminated, take most of the money out and put it in a personal account with only  your name on it.

Close out all joint credit accounts as well as hide your personal credit cards.

Open a safe deposit box to keep all important documents... .

He is mentally ill, you will need to take these actions for his protection as well as yours.

Please do not hide this from friends and family.  Mental illness still has stigma attached to it and little by little this stigma has to be chipped away.  So, it is not a matter of shame what you both are going through.  If you can obtain any counseling for yourself, please do so.  Don't hesitate to talk to your doctor about your stress levels.  Stress can ravage your body... .and then one cannot cope well with the difficult issues.  If the doctor puts you on temporary medication, then so be it.

Keep your family and friend support system intact... .take care of your own mental, physical and emotional health.

God bless.

[Mara2]

Thank you so much for these resources, I will definately be researching this tonight.  He has been so obnoxious to our friends that there is no way to hide it if I wanted to.  We live in a very small town, so all the cops know him and know what is wrong.  It helps.  The mental health person at the hospital told me they are building a file on him and it may not take a major crisis to get him commited the bigger the file is.  Fortunately, he has started taking his medication again and seems more calm, but is still quite irrational. 

This morning we went to church to perform our Christmas play.  It was a lot of fun and we had a great time.  Two of my daughters performed, I directed the choir, a third daughter ran power point and my son was the stage hand.  Afterward, friends gave the kids presents to open and gave me a gift card for gas.  What a blessing to have a support group like this! 

I'm feeling less worry and starting to put things in motion to protect the kids and me. 

[myself]

What a blessing to have a support group like this! 

I'm feeling less worry and starting to put things in motion to protect the kids and me. 

Mara, I'm glad you have support, and are finding ways to help your family! You sound clear about what is happening, with a good perspective. I hope things become more peaceful and you continue to find what is best for you.