BPD/Addiction to Narcotics and Physical Violence

[LilMissSunshine]

How bad did the physical abuse get?  I need to talk about something I've been keeping inside for a long time.  I have nightmares about it.  The physical abuse started about three years into the relationship; right around the time he relapsed (narcotic addiction) and around the time his BPD traits surfaced.  Or, rather became "full blown".

Because he insisted that I "talk" to him when something was bothering me, one night I brought up my concerns about his "friendly" relationship with a former gf.  Two seconds into the convo, he freaked and pinned me against a wall.  One, Two, Three... .Four punches to the side of my head while screaming at me.  I remember crying, trying to cover my head and begging him to stop.  I never fought back.  He let me go, I grabbed my stuff and bolted.  I never called the police.  Why?  I couldn't.  You see, he's a dr and I didn't want to be responsible for ruining his career so instead I protected him and didn't tell anyone.  He also spent a lot of time crying and begged me not to cooperated with the DA.

We recycled our rs and several months later this incident came up.  He insisted he never touched me and that I had made it all up.  A few weeks later the topic came up again.  This time he pulled out his phone and told me he had recorded the incident and that he was going to play it for me to prove he was innocent.  Furthermore, any marks I had on me from that night were "self inflicted".  Huh? I was shocked.  He played the recording and, plain as day, you could hear his fist making contact with my head and me begging him to stop.  Afterwards, he said, "See?  I didn't hit you.  Big deal.  Sounds like a little slap.  Those aren't punches you hear.  You were putting on a show.  Trying to set me up.  You are mentally ill LMS.  You are sick."  I couldn't believe he taped the beating, made me listen to it,  still denied he was abusive and claimed I was the sick one.  I left again, but was eventually lured back into the relationship.

Sure enough, one night he went into another one of many rages after I decided to sleep on the couch instead of with him.  I had just about fallen asleep when suddenly I was being yanked off the couch and dragged across the floor.  All I really remember is screaming and begging him to stop.  A neighbor called the police and he was arrested for A&B.  I had bruises and was bleeding.  Later he tried to convince me that I had inflicted those injuries to myself again.  To make a long story short, I never testified against him (for the same reason as above) and his case was dismissed.   Again, I was eventually lured back into the relationship.

The evening of my birthday, he took me to dinner.  No card, no gift but that's ok with me.  He was recovering from a 3rd surgery on the same injury and went to bed early.  I joined him about an hour later and he appeared to be asleep.  I didn't disturb him.  I fell asleep but awoke to him whipping his pillow at my head calling me a hit_ c--t.  He did it four times than said, "You didn't deserve a $100 birthday dinner", then went back to sleep.  I was freaking out but didn't move - I was afraid too.  As soon as I was SURE he was sleeping I snuck out and went home.  The next day he claimed that he was shocked when he woke up and I was gone.  "How could you leave me and just disappear, LMS, after I took you to dinner on your birthday?  See how mentally ill you are?"

Finally, one of the last times we were together, something I did triggered him.  He went into his basement and reappeared with a minor scratch across his forehead and arm.  He said "if you do not leave my house now, I will call the police because you just attacked me."  Huh? Huh? Huh?  I think he honestly believed I had?   I left imediately.

No.  I will not be lured back another time, but the fact that I put up with it freaks me out.  I've been around for awhile, and have had other relationships.  Never have I been involve with anything like this before.

Any similar experiences?

[State85]

My uBPDexgf, when we were in a r/s and a few times while broken up, has physically abused me. I lost count at about 25 different incidents. Ranging from closed fist hits to my face/head, to pushing me down. The most serious resulting in a black eye and bruised ribs. No sincere apology from her, although once she said she would never do it again.

I'm sorry you are going through, or went through that.

No excuse for physical abuse... .NONE!

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine punched the crap out of me and hit me in the face once, which is completely unacceptable, but I'm twice her size, and the psychological and emotional abuse was far worse; in the end all I could ask was what the hell am I doing?

Serious Mental Illness.  I'm sorry that happened for you, and I'm glad you now sound immune to the luring.  Many folks on these boards have been through similar abuse and there are lots of resources and advice here if you think he's still a threat.

I will not be lured back another time, but the fact that I put up with it freaks me out.  Yes!  You do mention that you were 'lured' back, which makes it sound like you had no say in the matter, and I completely understand; I got lost in the relationship and did and said things I never would have, and wondered later what the hell was I thinking?  Not thinking straight that's for sure, I do cut myself some slack for being emotionally enmeshed with a Serious Mental Illness that came disguised in a beautiful woman and blindsided me, but nonetheless, there were plenty of red flags before the flailing started.

The gift of the relationship has been to look at what happened and why I had the thoughts and feelings I did, when things were clearly wrong when looked at objectively.  The uncanny ability of a borderline to worm into our psyche and uncover the weak spots is very useful in hindsight, and it's up to me what I do with that gift.  Take care of you!

[heartandwhole]

Breslin,

I'm so sorry you went through that.  It's awful, and my heart goes out to you.     I'm so glad that you are out of that situation.  I commend you for putting your well being first.

What shifted for you that you know you are done with this relationship? 

[LilMissSunshine]

Yikes.  I'm so sorry for you too.   :'( Not only did I never get an apology, I was told it never happened or that I injured myself.  I think he was going through "withdrawal" when most of the physical stuff happened and I  blamed it on the Tramadol.  I wonder what the "hits to the face/head" are all about with a pwBPD.

I will not be lured back another time, but the fact that I put up with it freaks me out.   Yes.  You do mention that you were 'lured' back, which makes it sound like you had no say in the matter, and I completely understand; I got lost in the relationship and did and said things I never would have, and wondered later what the hell was I thinking?  Not thinking straight that's for sure, I do cut myself some slack for being emotionally enmeshed with a Serious Mental Illness that came disguised in a beautiful woman and blindsided me, but nonetheless, there were plenty of red flags before the flailing started.

The gift of the relationship has been to look at what happened and why I had the thoughts and feelings I did, when things were clearly wrong when looked at objectively.  The uncanny ability of a borderline to worm into our psyche and uncover the weak spots is very useful in hindsight, and it's up to me what I do with that gift.  Take care of you.

Awh... .thank you for helping me understand this a little better.  I'm totally crying right now, but it feels good - like I'm letting go of something that should not be inside me.

[fromheeltoheal]

Awh... .thank you for helping me understand this a little better.  I'm totally crying right now, but it feels good - like I'm letting go of something that should not be inside me.

Keep feeling LilMiss, there's work to do as you detach, but you will feel freer, lighter, and more enlightened once you do you do that work, and life will get very good.

I strongly recommend you read all of the articles on this site; if you're anything like me the lights will come on big time, people will understand, and you won't be alone.  Go here https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles.htm

BTW, the drugs are a big factor with your ex; they can exaggerate the symptoms of BPD and they can create symptoms of their own.  Don't forget those as you untangle what happened.

[LilMissSunshine]

H&W... .A few reasons... .I became exhausted.  After a lot of research all the pieces to the puzle started coming together.  He is still in denial - believes he can cure his addiction by himself and, of course, is still 100% projecting his mental illness onto me.  The courage I see/feel from other people on this board, revisited all the "red flags", started to vaguely remember who I used to be, was rejected when I offered to be his support (under the guidance of an expert) - to stay by his side - if he got help.  I gave up.  Realized if I wanted to live, I had to leave.  Stopped allowing myself to ignore reality.  Lots, of things really.

It took me a long time, however.  I had no idea the scope of his madness; of his disease.  I was a "mental illness virgin".  Never had it around me before; I was ignorant.  Then the FOG started to lift.

FHTH... .no fair, your making me cry again.  Seriously, thank you.  I like your words of wisdom.  I do feel better and the articles are great.  In fact, if it were not for the articles and this board I'd probably still be with him.  I've learned so much.

[State85]

Yikes.  I'm so sorry for you too.   :'( Not only did I never get an apology, I was told it never happened or that I injured myself.  I think he was going through "withdrawal" when most of the physical stuff happened and I  blamed it on the Tramadol.  I wonder what the "hits to the face/head" are all about with a pwBPD.

I'm not sure why the hits to the head or face. But for me I was also bitten on the ear as well. She was in a rage and just bit the crap out of my ear, which started to bleed obviously. At this point I didn't want her touching me of course, but she wanted to take care of it... .saying "stop, be still" as I was trying to get away from her. Again, no remorse.

I was also spit on, numerous times. In some ways, I would rather be hit than spit on. That is so degrading.

Through all of these episodes, I never got an apology, but was told that somehow it was my fault. It is just mind boggling to me. And for her to continue to do it... .well I guess some of that is on me for allowing it to happen. But, as a male, what could I do? If I hit her back, and police were involved, I would be the one going to jail. Even if I didn't hit her back, and I called the police, it is most likely that she would say I hit her and I would still be arrested.

Even after all of this abuse, the fact she is still on my mind just tears me up. I should honestly hate her, have no feelings for her, and not even have any thought of her on my mind... .Cause I know she is not hurting at all... .

[LilMissSunshine]

I'm so sorry State85.  I can only imagine the additional fright as someone who just physically injured you wants to "make it all better" two seconds later.  :'(  I, as well, was spat on many times.  Also, on at least two occasions, I must have triggered him during the conversation, he came up behind me and poured his drink over my head.  Total humiliation.

You were right not to hit her back.  I comend you.  It's not easy to hold back after awhile.  I think they want us to do that.  What mine started doing, when he realized I wasn't going to engage) was to self injure himself and threatening to call the police saying I attacked him.  It was shortly thereafter that I left him for good.

I still love him with all my heart, though.  Like your X he's not hurting either State85.  That's one huge difference between them and us.

[fromheeltoheal]

Cause I know she is not hurting at all... .

Like your X he's not hurting either State85.  That's one huge difference between them and us.

A borderline doesn't appear to be hurting, only because they've mastered projection and repression as coping skills, they have to because the way they're wired their head would explode otherwise.  Plus a borderline doesn't exist in their head when they're alone, so they typically hook up with a new victim quickly which provides a handy focus shift.

But in those quiet times, at night when they're alone, the memories and feelings come bubbling up, nothing they would ever show us, and it might manifest as rage spewed at the new victim, who will end up as bewildered as we were as to the source or reason for all that anger.  The reason is a lifetime of dysfunction that was left its wreckage, they know it, don't know why they do what they do just know it hurts, and without resolution the monster just keeps growing.  Sucks to be them, the disorder is a living hell, but we can't fix it, just don't get any on ya.  Take care of yous!

[LilMissSunshine]

Jez, I can't imagine being them.  Still, it's gonna take some time before I understand that they "hurt" when they "hurt" innocents.  I do understand what you mean about "the monster just keeps growing".  I saw him morph before my very eyes, on many occasions, each time worse than the previous.

[fromheeltoheal]

Jeeeeeeez, I can't imagine being them.  Still, it's gonna take some time before I understand that they "hurt" when they "hurt" innocents.  I do understand what you mean about "the monster just keeps growing".  I saw him morph before my very eyes, on many occasions, each time worse than the previous.

The way it was put to me is she was showing me how she was treated growing up, inviting me into her pain.  Shocking to me, but she's had a lifetime to get used to it, and "used" to it just involves the dysfunctional coping mechanisms we're all so familiar with.  Those aren't solutions though, and mine talked about killing herself frequently; bet it happens sooner rather than later.

[LilMissSunshine]

Wow... .it seems like every day he spoke about how dysfunctional his early years were, to the point he actually despised his parents.  I thought I was doing him a favor by suggesting he make his peace with them, otherwise when they passed he'd regret it (He's 57 years old).  Well, he did with his dad (who since has passed) and it went well.  However, his mom (who's in assisted living) is really the person he despised the most.  Of course, I knew nothing of BPD at this point so I think I "triggered" a doosie.  Anyway and again, I thought I was doing the right thing.  I can't imagine being estranged from my parents or family, but I was ignorant to his illness(s). 

As for suicide threats and self injuring... .that was a constant with him (a red flag I ignored) and it became exhausting.

I'm thinking that I put up with the physical abuse (just for awhile) because I didn't want to fail him (like everyone else supposedly did) and ruin his career as a doctor. 

So I think, as I suspected, he took ALL his aggression and issues out on me.   

Right when I think I'm doing okay, I'm more confused than ever.  He really hit_ with my head big time.  I should have known better... .I guess I did know better... .I ignored and accepted his bad behavior.  I can't believe I became so codependent on him.  I'm getting better though.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LilMiss, There is a tendency for victims of abuse, I think, to blame themselves, so go easy on yourself.  You didn't do anything wrong except stay too long in an unhealthy situation.  I did, too, in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  I experienced plenty of physical and psychological abuse, as you describe, fromHtoH.  People assume that males are rarely, if ever, abused by women, yet it happens all the time, particularly in a BPD r/s.  Sorry to hear what you went through, LilMiss.  Lucky Jim

[LilMissSunshine]

Thanks LJ, and your right about the staying too long.  Most of all, your soo right about the fact that people don't realize how many males are physically abused by their partners - male or female.  To make matters worse, I believe most men (versus women) suffer in silence regarding that "secret".  Unlike me, I hope you had someone you could talk to during that horrific time.  If not, we all have each other - here and now - on this board.  This board, and all the loving people that post on it, is fast becoming my life saver.

[RecycledNoMore]

Dearest LMS, we were in a similar situation I suspect, like you I was physically abused too.

I can tell by your post that there are probably many many more instances like the ones you have described... .

Im so sorry to hear your story and I know from experience the utter bewildement that you must be feeling - its ok, alot of us have been there men and women alike, abuse has no boundries.

There is so much more but I dont wish to hijack your thread, its important for you to let it out, I stuffed so many feelings in when I was in the relationship,swallowed too many tears,painted on

a smile when I was cut to ribbons inside... .

Just wanted to let you know that your going to be ok,it will all make sence in time.  

[eternalbloom]

Your story is familiar to me. It started with him punching walls and destroying my property, then  blocking doorways when I tried to leave. Pushes turned into swatting, smacks and just recently he attacked me while I was lying down pressing his fists into my jaws and temples... .each time he claims that he doesn't hit me or down plays it. His family even thinks that I am a horrible person for kicking him out or calling the police on him.

He has a domestic violence case for pinning me down and shaking me while I was 7 months pregnant. Because of this he is no longer able to work for the fire department or as an EMT. He's on probation and cold go to jail if he assaults someone again. I got back with him in July and he's hit, pushed, and attacked more times than he ever has. The reason he does it is because it him get away with it. I cared more about saving his behind from going to jail, instead of respecting myself.

On Monday he took my laptop and threw it, after hours of telling me how undesirable I was. I told him to leave and he broke my work laptop and slapped me in the face with 10 $100 bills. My teenage son turned the corner as the money hit the floor. I told my son what happened. Ex looked me in my eyes and said, No I didn't, I didn't touch you."

I called the police and tossed his behind out. Why think about his future when he could care less about mine. He's tried to step foot on my porch and I told him the Police is on the way. I am done and kudos for you being done too.

[LilMissSunshine]

The whole thing has just been a nightmare.  The added physical abuse makes things so much more complicated, doesn't it?  Please, RNO, I wish to hear the stories of others.  It's helping me to heal.  Helping me to put things into perspective.  Your not hijacking... .it's the natural progression of the thread.  I need to try to help others as they help me.

Horrible, horrible story eternal.  What an hit_, touching you, especially when you were pregnant.  This just hit_ me off.  I never called the police on my x.  The neighbor's did.  Like you I was worried about his career.  We need to figure out why we "really" did that, I guess.  Watch out for the "leveling the playing field game".  This is after my X got arrested and started self injuring and threatening to get me arrested for A&B.  I left him for good shortly thereafter.  Twisted minds at work here.  :)o you have a restraining order?

At least we are all safe now.  Backatchah      

[Lucky Jim]

Hi LilMiss and Eternal Bloom, My BPDxW punched a hole in the wall, too, broke down a locked door, smashed my personal pictures and was fond of blocking the doorway and pushing me, so I know where you're coming from.  She also poured a gallon of water on my head while I was sleeping on the couch.  Not fun, believe me.  Thanks, LilMiss, for recognizing that a lot of males "suffer in silence."  I think men are embarrassed that they are being abused, yet it happens all the time.  The abuse really did a number on my self-esteem, so it's been a long, slow recovery.  But I'm finally divorced, now healing, and back on my path.  Never again!  Lucky Jim

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi LilMiss and Eternal Bloom, My BPDxW punched a hole in the wall, too, broke down a locked door, smashed my personal pictures and was fond of blocking the doorway and pushing me, so I know where you're coming from.  She also poured a gallon of water on my head while I was sleeping on the couch.  Not fun, believe me.  Thanks, LilMiss, for recognizing that a lot of males "suffer in silence."  I think men are embarrassed that they are being abused, yet it happens all the time.  The abuse really did a number on my self-esteem, so it's been a long, slow recovery.  But I'm finally divorced, now healing, and back on my path.  Never again!  Lucky Jim

Oh jeez, flashbacks with this post, and you're right Jim, not fun.  My anger saved me though, finally broke through the fog enough to make me see how I was being treated.  Fortunately I didn't act on that anger, I'd be in jail if I did, but came to accept that the best revenge we can get, since the core of borderline personality disorder is the fear of abandonment, is to disappear without a trace.  She bombarded me with connection attempts in her abandonment panic, I ignored them, and although I don't know how she's doing and don't care, I'm positive I hit her hard where it hurts the most.  Pretty sick to leave a relationship wanting to severely hurt our once beloved, but hey, she had it coming, and there are warmer, fuzzier connections to be made in this wonderful life; time for an upgrade.

[State85]

I posted on here ealier, and am one of the males that was subject to physical violence. I just want to say that my property was also destroyed. Holes in walls, busted door frame, etc. But what hurt most, besides the physical violence, was she once busted into pieces an antique plate that my Mom had given me, that her Mother had given her. She tried to break that same plate in an earlier rage, but I begged her not to given its sentimental value... .Didn't work the next time... its now in pieces. She had no remorse, no apology, no nothing to say about it. Other than "I have some people looking for a replacement". What the heck, if you could find it... .and you can't since it is probably 70+ years old, I wouldn't want it. It is not the one given to me.

This is just one incident of many... .I won't bore anyone with the others.

[State85]

heeltoheal

You are correct. If you want to hit them where it hurts most... .abandonment. Take yourself off the grid. Of course be aware of the backlash from that... .

[fromheeltoheal]

heeltoheal

You are correct. If you want to hit them where it hurts most... .abandonment. Take yourself off the grid. Of course be aware of the backlash from that... .

She knows what she did and is mostly ashamed.  I haven't heard from her in 8 months and don't expect to, although who knows with that random psyche.

[Lucky Jim]

Like what you're sayin', fromHtoH and State85.  Agree, taking oneself out of the game is the best revenge.  The backlash is ongoing through our children, sad to say, but I don't have anything to do with my BPDxW, with the exception of child care and support issues.  And you're right, fromHtoH, it's a great big world out there, with kind and thoughtful women who are actually nice to me!  LJ