I judged him but now I feel the same way

[damage control]

When my ex 'fell out of lust' with me ... he gave the reason that things had become 'too real' with us living in the same house. He was triggered bigtime.

At the time I couldn't understand what my ex was on about - I wasn't asking anything from or of him and it seemed an extreme response ...

Today, I am waiting for my dog to fly in from where I used to . And as much as I want her here and want to see her etc ... I am completely overwhelmed by the prospect of finding new accommodation for her and me - the other (main) housemate couple are being difficult about it - they originally said it would be fine to have her here a few weeks ago but they are backpedddling now and telling me I need to get out ASAP.

I am actually drinking in the middle of the day ... I couldn't go to work and all I want to do is run ... I feel completely smothered and unable to breathe.

I judged my ex ... but I realise now that I have done the same thing many times - run ... don't look back. The only difference is that I haven't done it about people, I do it due to circumstances/responsibilities etc ... .

I am panic stricken about having to go to work next week on Xmas eve and my dog barking (she will have a meltdown when I leave her the first couple of times) ... .and I don't know how I am going to look for a new place to live when I cannot really leave her. My stress levels are at max - hence the drinking.

[Mara2]

My first response to stress is to get away from it too.  But it must be faced.  I really encourage you to go easy on the drinking because it will not help- I'm sure you know that.  Take a deep breath and lets really look at things. 

You are in a new place with no safe place to go and being asked to leave where you are.  You said you feel panic.  This will cause fight or flee response and your body is urging flee.  Can you dig deep to find the fight response?  Not to fight against, but to fight for yourself. 

You have a job and that is great in these times.  I am looking for work.  If I understand correctly it is the fact that your dog is barking that caused your housemates to ask you to find another place, is that correct?  Is it possible to find a kennel for her during the day?  Just tossing out thoughts. 

Don't let your thoughts control you, but take control of your thoughts.  When you start to panic ask yourself, what is the truth here?  Am I letting things spiral beyond what they really are? 

Above all, take care of yourself.  Make sure you eat right, get lots of water, do something fun for yourself. 

I really feel for you and I hope you are able to find a place soon where you can be safe and at peace.  Until then, we are pulling for you!

[damage control]

Hi Mara

Thanks for your thoughts.

I am trying to find the fight response ... I am not good at conflict ... I actually stop breathing if somebody gets angry with me ... I cannot think or speak ... it's physiological for me.

My dog isn't barking - she just go there last night, but, I know that when I leave her to go to work the first couple of times she will bark because she will think I have left her again (we have been separated for about 8 weeks until I flew her in last night) ... normally, I would tell whoever was at home to just go and sit with her or tell her firmly to stop barking - and she would. But the psycho housemate is making this out to be a MASSIVE deal - the dog being here  (even though it was his idea to bring her a few weeks ago - I never asked if i could, he offered and said it would be fine to bring her here) - so, he will go ballistic if she barks and he won't go sit with her or anything, he will just stew.

Drinking isn't out of control but I am definitely self-medicating ... .the panic response is hard to think through ... my mind goes completely blank ... but I am trying right now. I know that the housemate is going to bring up the dog again today - because I have her here in my room ... .she is the sweetest, most gentle little girl in the world but he is carrying on like I have set a wild hyena loose in the house.

HM is a control freak and much more ... a very difficult guy so this has nothing really to do with the dog and everything to do with control.

He actually said to me yesterday that he is worried that if the dog bites somebody he will be immediately deported (he is French) ... apart from the fact that my dog doesn't bite, the whole thing is just ludicrous. This is a man who tells other people when they can and cannot shower ... seriously.

[redkong]

DC, I totally feel for you.  I know it would cost some money, but are there any options for dog sitters or doggie daycare in your city?  Maybe a friend with a different or flexible work schedule?   Can you afford to just take a day off and dedicate the time to find new housing?  Do  you have craigslist in your city?

Sorry for all the questions - just trying to help you brainstorm.

[damage control]

HI RK

thanks for your input also.

We have a similar thing to craiglsist and I have been trying - people aren't responding to emails - I think due to the time of year.

I haven't been in this city long enough to have friends who I could ask to dog-sit ... .I am considering a kennel if I can get there and pick her up in time (I am working Tuesday and off a long way from usual work - at least 3 hours to get home).

I was given a formal eviction notice last night as things came to a head ... it was horrible ... the psycho and his GF were yelling at me and I just hit down and closed the door -  cannot deal with being yelled at - it triggers my flight response ... they actually tried to push the door open and it was only that I was in my ex's room and the fact that he intervened and got involved that I didn't completely freak out.

Thing is ... now he is being evicted also - on the grounds of ""this""said the psycho waving his arms about inside the ex's room as I was lying on his bed (psycho came back to deliver evicition notices) and he is also being blamed for my dog ... .it's completely crazy/out of control ...

I am tempted to just get on a plane and go home ... .I am taking tomorrow off work but chances of finding somewhere in just one day are less than zero - and I have work due as well so I need to try and complete it and at least email in ... I have been hiding in my ex's room since yesterday afternoon and just come to my room now, at midnight because the psycho is in bed ... the more they pressue, the less I will be to function ... I cannot deal with anger - especially irrational anger.

[babyducks]

Hi Damage Control,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this.   I understand it must be very difficult.  I know it feels like sh!t, because you describe it so well and so accurately.  You have great insights into why you are reacting the way you are.  Which of course doesn't help much right now.

The thought occurred to me that when dealing with the housemates maybe you can use the same skills as when dealing with the BPD?

Stop the circular arguments by saying something like "You have delivered your message, and I have heard you out.  Please leave me alone right now so I can ... .blank... ."   Fill in the blank with something that might defuse the situation.

Is it possible that work can help you find a place to live?  Could work have a business relationship with a hotel or boarding house that could provide you with immediate relief?

Is a short term solution possible?  Like a hotel or rooming house, to give you a safe place for a little while?

I am sure you have thought about all this but its hard to think clearly when stressed this much.

Keep us posted.

'ducks

[damage control]

Hi BabyDucks

I can't go to a boarding/rooming house because I have a dog.

Things have gotten far worse at home - with the housemates, the ex, work and my triggers. I am at the point of cracking from the pressure of all of it ... if I can't explode then I am going to implode ... I just need relief.

I am getting pressure and expectations from all sides - I have been given 11 days to find alternative accommodation - over xmas and with my dog here so, I am finding it hard to even go to the store - the housemates have pretty much threatened my dog. Work has rostred me in a remote location (new contract) for 8 out of the next 10 days even though I have told them I am completely stuck and as I don't have a car, getting there is at least 2 hours each way - let alone the fact that if I am working/travelling 12 hours a day, How can I find new accommodation? I have explained but they just keep pushing and pushing.

I have spend pretty much 24/7 with the ex, including sleeping in his bed (no sex ... he doesn't even try ... he has no desire for me anymore) ... due to the crazy going on with the other HM's ... the ex had to step in and rescue me from the yelling on Saturday night (I hit 'flight' mode, as I do when someone gets angry with me and closed the door on the HM's and they tried to break through it ... the ex intervened for me ... we are now both being evicted).

This is yet another extreme, crazy situation I find myself in ... across the country for a man who dumped me 9 days later but found a new job which means staying in the new city however crazy housemates are making life hell so have to try to find new digs but can't as crazy HM's are ready to hurt my dog, cannot get to work because they are rostering me in a location I never signed up for and the ex is leaving today for a 3/4/5 day vacation, possibly with my replacement, not sure ... .but ... we have been glued at the hip for days and I am confused and shamed about my feelings for him ... .

I have mentioned that I have done some crazy sh&t in my time ... my T says that BPD or not, I am better than I used to be ... and I cannot help but ask ... really? Because I don't see anybody else with this rain of crazy coming down upon them ... I just see me. As always.

I am truly ready to crack ... I think when my ex comes in to say goodbye ... I just might. Although, of course, I won't let him see it.