Coming out of an ugly spiral, how do i keep from repeating this?

[DreamFlyer99]

Blah!

Usually I can keep my head and stay semi-focused and deal with my uBPD hubby's issues etc. The holidays have always been Prime Time for Dysregulation, I'd imagine because it brings up all the old feelings of not being special etc. Every year I have to remind myself that Thanksgiving and Christmas    are a function of whatever I set up with my grown daughters, and that my Dearly Dysregulated Beloved will be no help whatsoever, and I will feel like I'm the one expected to bring the cheer and the gifts and the decorations etc.

I guess that even though I've been working to understand and to improve my communication and self care skills via my therapist and this lovely BPD family community, my uBPD hubby's tantrum at Thanksgiving just sent me into a tailspin, a spiral, into swirly-land. And then I kept going. Forgot who I am, and fell back into old habits of people-pleasing and no boundaries and such craziness. And since I have Fibromyalgia that is exacerbated by stress, I became an exceedingly achy, stiff, brain-fogged Old Self. What a mess! And instead of coming here and getting support I withdrew into my own little darkness. Bad idea.

So I'm climbing my way back out of the downward swirling toilet bowl... .trying to get a firm grip on the rim so I can get out, and trying to find my sense of humor again. When I lose that I know I'm in trouble. 

What's my point? Do I even have one?

I guess it would just be to read this as a cautionary tale-- apart from our community of supportive friends, it's really easy to slide on down into that spiral. And since dealing with this disorder in our loved ones takes a great deal of energy it's easy to lose our newly learned skills and self care and forget how to be our New!Improved!selves. And going back there is no good.

How do you all remind yourselves to stay true to the New!Improved! you?

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[123Phoebe]

How do you all remind yourselves to stay true to the New!Improved! you?

DreamFlyer, it's great having you back!

To answer your question... .Sleep and lots of it if possible.  I also accept that some of the darkness I experience is perfectly normal.  I cannot be happy and focused all of the time; that's part of the problem, thinking that I need to be.

When I am perfectly honest with myself, it gives me a much better understanding of what having BPD would feel like.  Realizing it's me, my emotions that are a little whack and I'm the only one that can do anything about them.  And then I go to sleep   They're usually all over the place because I haven't been taking care of myself adequately... .  eating properly and exercising regularly.  Who has time at this time of year?  Zip zip on the go... .  Whee!   

The thought of you climbing out of the swirling toilet bowl is funny and great and inspiring!  You can do it!  Before the tydee bowl man bites your ankles... .  Not to add any unnecessary pressure or worry

[coworkerfriend]

Oh my gosh, Dreamflyer, I could have written your post word for word.  My pwBPD and I went through a very hard time earlier this month and I felt lower and less able to cope with it all than I had felt in a long time.

I had felt that I had lost hope during that time and hope is something that I always had in abundance.  I lost perspective and my sense of humor too. 

I am taking it day by day - reminding myself that this will pass.  I am trying to sleep and repeating lots of my mantras in my head to help me try and find myself again. 

His period of dysregulation has passed and we are talking again.  Sometimes it takes me a bit longer to recover from it than others. 

I am glad you took the time to post this.  I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders after reading it. 

Stay true to yourself is something I am going to add to my mantras.  Thanks

[DreamFlyer99]

123Phoebe, you said:

accept that some of the darkness I experience is perfectly normal.  I cannot be happy and focused all of the time; that's part of the problem, thinking that I need to be.

OH. You are so right! That's what I do to myself, expect myself to do things attitude wise that are not humanly possible, like BE PERFECT. Duh. And when I do that I tend to sink lower because then I'm mad at myself for having disappointed myself... .thus the spiral. Glad I could inspire with the bowl analogy (or metaphor or whatever, I can never remember which is which.) I also guess that means I'm getting my sense of humor back! Good news all around! And the sleeping--that's one thing I've been doing too much of, but I guess my body needed it. And Fibromyalgia adds such an interesting component to life.  And the exercise, oh that does help, and that's one thing that goes when my soul needs a defibrillator... .Thanks for weighing in!

Coworkerfriend, you said:

Sometimes it takes me a bit longer to recover from it than others. 

I am glad you took the time to post this.  I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders after reading it. 

Stay true to yourself is something I am going to add to my mantras.  Thanks

Blessings upon you for saying my post helped! It's really good to know we aren't alone isn't it? When I get feeling so low and worthless then I feel I am worthless in every area of my life so why even bother talking about it... .   That's all very self-defeating. Old habits die really reeeeeeaaaaaally hard! I spent so many years not realizing how UNtrue I was being to myself while I was being Queen Enabler and Codependent to my uBPD hubby that it's easy-peasy to slide right back into utterly doubting myself again. And it's so hard for me to catch that I've slid back into old habits because, well, they're comfortable and broken in like old sneakers.

Thanks for the reminder about the mantras--I've told other people to do that, and then I went and forgot to do it for myself!

Thank you both so much, 123Phoebe and coworkerfriend!

[an0ught]

Hi DreamFlyer99,

I guess that even though I've been working to understand and to improve my communication and self care skills via my therapist and this lovely BPD family community, my uBPD hubby's tantrum at Thanksgiving just sent me into a tailspin, a spiral, into swirly-land. And then I kept going. Forgot who I am, and fell back into old habits of people-pleasing and no boundaries and such craziness. And since I have Fibromyalgia that is exacerbated by stress, I became an exceedingly achy, stiff, brain-fogged Old Self. What a mess! And instead of coming here and getting support I withdrew into my own little darkness. Bad idea.

It is normal for life to have ups and downs. Even for us here who have managed to have a more stable relationship we do remember how deep down we could possibly go. And when the sinking starts we... .PANIC and are resorting to dysfunctional measures. Once we have calmed down a bit however we know how to do better and you certainly do 

Don't beat yourself up for it  . Fully getting over the emotional chaos of the past will take time. Consider visiting the Personal Inventory board some time the next year.

[DreamFlyer99]

Thank you an0ught!

I should know by now that there are ups and downs and more downs and then some ups... .The only consistent thing about life is its inconsistency!

you said:

And when the sinking starts we... .PANIC and are resorting to dysfunctional measures.

True--plus you totally reminded me by what you said of how I panic when I'm in water: I start trying to stand up! I even know that water does not work like land, and when I try to treat them the same things go wrong. Where being upright on land works to get me moving down the road, being upright in water makes me SINK. And PANIC. And laying down in the road has other obvious negative consequences... .Thus my "dysfunctional measures."

My therapist says "remember who people are." When I forget that my uBPDh is indeed a uBPDh, I start trying to stand up in the water and end up in a PANIC.

Perhaps I need to form a new mantra: ":)on't stand up in the water" or some such thing.

Thanks again!