Getting over procrastination

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Ok, on the one hand, I get that this is because of how I was raised. I was one of those perpetually criticized children who, instead of becoming an overachiever, went the other way. I rarely finish projects, I am lazy, I procrastinate. And I think it's important to see why I am the way I am because maybe having that knowledge will help me to make these changes.

But on the other hand - *I* am the only one who can change this. *I* am the one who is responsible for cleaning up the mess my mother made. I acknowledge her part in the problem but she has no part at all in the solution. It's all me.

I am not trying to put myself down. I have made great strides in these past few years since my breakthrough crisis. I am a better mother (not that I was a horrible one, but I'm better than I was). I am calmer, I am more at peace with myself. I am a nicer person. I have done a lot of work and looked at things I don't like about myself and I've actually made changes. I'm proud of me 

But the laziness is something I am stuck on and I'm not sure how to fix it. I feel like I've tried so many systems and am always gung ho for a few months and then lose interest and start to forget and then it's totally by the wayside. Housecleaning, budgeting (that one is really hard!), anything that is "work".

Is it rebellion? As a child I only got praised or showed love if I did something my mother thought was brag-worthy and even then, she would often exaggerate or even lie and make up things to tell other people about me (so she could brag about her awesome kids thereby showing what a great mother she was - she was often very loving when others were around, all part of the act). The older I got the less I did. I always assumed it was depression (that started in my teens and I struggled with for decades) but I'm not depressed anymore for a few years now and I still can't kick this.

Has anyone else made any strides on this?

[BlueCat]

Ok, on the one hand, I get that this is because of how I was raised. I was one of those perpetually criticized children who, instead of becoming an overachiever, went the other way. I rarely finish projects, I am lazy, I procrastinate. And I think it's important to see why I am the way I am because maybe having that knowledge will help me to make these changes.

But on the other hand - *I* am the only one who can change this. *I* am the one who is responsible for cleaning up the mess my mother made. I acknowledge her part in the problem but she has no part at all in the solution. It's all me.

I am not trying to put myself down. I have made great strides in these past few years since my breakthrough crisis. I am a better mother (not that I was a horrible one, but I'm better than I was). I am calmer, I am more at peace with myself. I am a nicer person. I have done a lot of work and looked at things I don't like about myself and I've actually made changes. I'm proud of me 

But the laziness is something I am stuck on and I'm not sure how to fix it. I feel like I've tried so many systems and am always gung ho for a few months and then lose interest and start to forget and then it's totally by the wayside. Housecleaning, budgeting (that one is really hard!), anything that is "work".

Is it rebellion? As a child I only got praised or showed love if I did something my mother thought was brag-worthy and even then, she would often exaggerate or even lie and make up things to tell other people about me (so she could brag about her awesome kids thereby showing what a great mother she was - she was often very loving when others were around, all part of the act). The older I got the less I did. I always assumed it was depression (that started in my teens and I struggled with for decades) but I'm not depressed anymore for a few years now and I still can't kick this.

Has anyone else made any strides on this?

[charred]

I have been a go getter, and a procrastinator at different times in my life.

When I have mixed feelings, or am depressed, I procrastinate, when I have a clear unambiguous take on things and feel good, tend to be goal oriented and do things.

From what I can tell, that is a fairly universal way to be... so maybe you can see a T and clear up any depressing issues, find things you want enough to be motivated and get going. It is easier to say than do, but at some point you either accept things as they are, or work to change them, and if you have been same way since young, might need some help.

Good luck

[Sitara]

I've recently realized that my procrastination is really an inability to set personal goals and expectations.  I think this comes from having a lifetime of doing what other people wanted me to do combined with any attempts of self-exploration being squashed growing up.  As a result, I excel at work or in situations where I feel others have expectations of me (in reality they may or may not actually have these expectations).  But in situations where the expectations should be on me to determine (like housework) I have a hard time finding motivation.  I also have a tendency to resist expectations simply as an act of rebellion I was denied in youth (for example, my husband wants to go out to dinner, so I don't want to just because he wants me to) because finally having an opposing opinion is fairly safe.

This is fairly recent, so I'm still working on fixing the issue, but I feel that realizing the cause will help me better deal with it.  As far as housework goes, I don't need to go to the extent I was expected to keep things clean when growing up, but I do make sure the kids toys are put away and the bathrooms are clean enough I don't cringe when my toddler touches everything in sight.  My house is not spotless, but you're not going to get sick from being in it either.  I still feel like I'm not doing good enough, but I think I still have my mother's voice inside my head sometimes telling me if things aren't perfect it's not good enough.  I'm still working on accepting that I don't have to be perfect.

It sounds like you've already done a great job at overcoming a lot of other obstacles.  All we can do is always keep trying.

[BlueCat]

I do think I can still do with some therapy for this and for a few other things. Unfortunately, because of my failure at budgeting (sigh) the money is just not there.

Any good books anyone can recommend? Healing the inner child while healing your budget?   

[Reforming]

I'd suggest Jeffrey Young Reinventing Your Life. The Beakthrough Program to End Negative Behaviour .

He's the father of Schema therapy which can really help you deal with deeply ingrained behaviour

It's worth working through the chapters systematically. Deep change is possible but takes work.

I also agree with the earlier poster. It's worth trying to clarify or set some clear goals. Not too many 1-3 is enough

Lack of motivation can often reflect a lack of clarity about what you want to achieve

Good luck

[SeekingHealing]

I totally can relate.  I feel like i dont even know what im good at.  Definitely hard to find motivation sometimes.  Right now i am a stay at home mom and i am dreading the day when i have to find a job in the work force.  I dont know what i should do and ive never been an employee and a mom at the same time.  Sounds silly, but it scares me.  Good thing I have a therapist.

[SeekingHealing]

I do think I can still do with some therapy for this and for a few other things. Unfortunately, because of my failure at budgeting (sigh) the money is just not there.

Any good books anyone can recommend? Healing the inner child while healing your budget?   

About budgeting, have you read Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover?

[BlueCat]

I came here to say something and saw I missed some replies! I'm sorry, I don't know how I did that!

SeekingHealing, yes, I try and follow Dave Ramsey It's the follow through that I can't seem to manage. It's not him, it's me, !

Reforming, thanks for it, I'll look into it!

I was venting to a friend and explaining things to her and I wrote this (which I will edit for language, !).

"I am lazy as hit_. I think I'm still rebelling against my mother who only showed us love if we did something she felt was impressive, you know? So my inner child is like "hit_ you mom, I won't finish anything and I won't do anything impressive ever - that'll show you!". Yeah. I'm messed up, ! "

That sums me up I think. From what I've read this particular behavior of hers fit more into the NPD area, so maybe I should read some of those books on NPD mothers. But I really feel that's at least part of it with me and I need to find a way to get past it.

Also the fact that even if we did impress her, the attention never lasted. Like the Janet Jackson song, what have you done for me lately? That was her whole thing. Get an A on a test and dear old mom would be all over the place bragging to her sisters and mother and friends about her marvelous child, but the next day get a B+ and she'll purse her lips and go "hmmmm". And then lie to her sister and make something up to brag about because she can't tell people her kids are less than perfect, they might think she was less than a perfect mother.

The only thing I'm really proud of is how I've raised my kids. I haven't been perfect, but in general, they have had a very supportive and happy upbringing and it shows   But they are getting older and my job won't last forever and then what? It's a big blank. I don't know what I want to do in life past what I'm doing now.

So yeah, I need therapy. Stat, !

[BlueCat]