How many have success staying without diagnosis?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there. MY uBPDh and I have been married ten years. Our full story is on the newbie forum.

I wondered how many users have experience with successfully staying with no diagnosis or acknowledgement. It seems like many of the scenarios I have read on this forum are from people who's S.O. know they are not totally normal and are in treatment... .or at least privately acknowledge that they are different or feel differently than others. I wonder, does anyone have success long term with a person who has never been diagnosed, and likely never would?

Thanks!

[Seneca]

Hi there. MY uBPDh and I have been married ten years. Our full story is on the newbie forum.

I wondered how many users have experience with successfully staying with no diagnosis or acknowledgement. It seems like many of the scenarios I have read on this forum are from people who's S.O. know they are not totally normal and are in treatment... .or at least privately acknowledge that they are different or feel differently than others. I wonder, does anyone have success long term with a person who has never been diagnosed, and likely never would?

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[goodintentions]

I am also interested in seeing how others respond to this question, as I think I am in a similar situation with my uBPDw of nearly 6 years (4 years since I suspected BPD). S.O. is somewhat self-aware of certain tendencies, but always points blame to someone or something else (including me). Personally, my sense of hope seems to diminish over time, despite a wholehearted commitment to staying.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Seneca

My relationship is different, we don't live together, but have been together for let's see... .close to 9 years now!  With a whole lot of ups and downs and ins and outs.  It's been the biggest personal growth experience I could've ever imagined.  He is not diagnosed and doubt he ever will be.  He's super high-functioning, has an excellent job and a lot of insight.  I leave him to his own thoughts when he starts on a downward spiral.  It's easy(er) as like I said, we don't live together.

Knowing my own personal limits (boundaries) has helped tremendously and being able to express them without a whole lot of fanfare and blame has helped to keep our relationship respectful.  Oh, I could go off at times, believe me! (and have )  But now realize I'm dealing with a disorder of the emotions, so what good does piling onto those emotions do?  There's a time and place for everything.  When things are thick and heavy aren't usually the best times

Staying in a relationship with a pwBPD is a choice-- undiagnosed, untreated or anything else.  We can always choose not to be in the relationship, too.  We cannot however, make them be someone they aren't.

Know our limits.  If things were to never change, is this relationship enough for you as it stands right now?  Taking the pwBPD out of the picture, are you content in your life, comfortable in your own skin and working towards anything greater personally speaking?

It's a journey... . And one I'm personally happy he's a part of.  He enhances my life significantly

[waverider]

A lot depends on what you describe as success. To be BPD free obviously diagnosis/acceptance of the disorder is necessary. But you can live a conflict free life, even if dysfunctional, and happy RS. This means working even more on how YOU are affected.

It is not as easy though as it is harder to feel like you are on the same team.

[yeeter]

Wave asks a key question - how do you define 'success'?

Some things are just never going to happen.  So part of your process is in figuring out what you 'want', vs what you 'need'.  And then matching the needs in particular to what pieces you can get from the relationship, and what pieces you have to get outside the relationship (not all can be met outside the relationship).

Then standing back and determining if there is enough of a life for you to deem it 'success'.

For me this was a 2/3 year process, with a lot of self reflection on just what my needs were/are.

The simple answer ($.02) is that it can be done, but unlikely to fit the traditional relationship expectations most of us have.  (so start by blowing up all your own expectations of a relationship)

[amaris]

I agree.  I have this kind of relationship with my husband.  I repeatedly have to remind myself that my life is mostly being on my guard and 'managing' him and to always know that he can dysregulate at any time.   He can hurt you when you are the least expecting, so I must be on my guard and take care of myself.    He knows he has problems and at times even thanks me for putting up with him but he refuses to admit it at any cost.   He won't ask me why I act certain ways because he knows the reason.   I am at the place of realizing this is my life and praying for a better escape for myself.   I am 64 and don't want to divorce and go through all that again so I have detached and most of the time we are just friends.   It is not a marriage and he deceives himself to think we do.   I let him think what he wants.   

[AnitaL]

Hi Seneca,

I am still at the "in progress" stage so it's too soon to say if my marriage is a "success", but I'll echo what others have said.  Using the tools and the support here has made it possible to continue being married to my uBPDh without constant turmoil.  It's been almost 2 years since I found this site and learned how to stop making things worse.  Mostly we are in a kind of holding pattern with both good days/weeks and bad, and still slide backwards sometimes when my own emotions are running high--but mostly things are far better than they used to be. 

This is still not a "normal" marriage by any means, as the behaviors I deal with from my H would certainly still seem totally unacceptable in a typical non-BPD relationship.  Though I do still dream of what it would be like to have a partner who could be the compassionate and loving friend I thought I was marrying 14 years ago, I have learned that I need to accept the relationship for what it is, and my husband for who he is, while at the same time continuing to stand up for my own needs/wants and set boundaries to maintain my self-respect and take care of my children.  It is a daily struggle, but one I still believe is worth it.  I expect that there will be a "day of reckoning" at some point where my H may hit rock bottom and either seek the specific help he needs (with or without a formal diagnosis), or will refuse to do so and the balance will shift to the point where it is no longer worth the struggle to maintain the marriage.

[SweetCharlotte]

Thanks for the question.

I'm drawing close to four years of marriage with a man I strongly suspect has BPD. We are both in our early fifties and were married once before. I have two children from before. He will not see a mental health professional. Since I have seen several at different times for different issues (alcoholism, depression), he blames any problem or conflict on me.

We are both high-functioning and in a long-distance relationship that gives us much time apart. He's often busy with his career and I have a career plus children keeping me occupied. Maybe this distance, as Phoebe notes, is a saving grace for those involved with "the undiagnosed."

[Iwilldecide]

Hi Seneca

My relationship is different, we don't live together, but have been together for let's see... .close to 9 years now!  With a whole lot of ups and downs and ins and outs.  It's been the biggest personal growth experience I could've ever imagined.  He is not diagnosed and doubt he ever will be.  He's super high-functioning, has an excellent job and a lot of insight.  I leave him to his own thoughts when he starts on a downward spiral.  It's easy(er) as like I said, we don't live together.

Knowing my own personal limits (boundaries) has helped tremendously and being able to express them without a whole lot of fanfare and blame has helped to keep our relationship respectful.  Oh, I could go off at times, believe me! (and have )  But now realize I'm dealing with a disorder of the emotions, so what good does piling onto those emotions do?  There's a time and place for everything.  When things are thick and heavy aren't usually the best times

Staying in a relationship with a pwBPD is a choice-- undiagnosed, untreated or anything else.  We can always choose not to be in the relationship, too.  We cannot however, make them be someone they aren't.

Know our limits.  If things were to never change, is this relationship enough for you as it stands right now?  Taking the pwBPD out of the picture, are you content in your life, comfortable in your own skin and working towards anything greater personally speaking?

It's a journey... . And one I'm personally happy he's a part of.  He enhances my life significantly

I think 123 phoebe is onto something. My uBPDbf is also high functioning and has a job he really loves and is extremely talented when it comes to that area of his life. That being said I can see how some of them make pretty great boyfriends/girlfriends but I have this sinking feeling that the minute you move in with them or say I do tha  hits the fan. Mine has been talking about moving in together and marriage but my gut says things are good for the moment so no I don't think so. That being said he uses tactics like "well I will just go find someone else then" which knowing how they work... .he will probably try. But I have to accept that and know that if he meets someone else it was meant to be!

[waverider]

Follow your gut, it is ignoring red flags that gets us in a mess in the first place.

[joshbjoshb]

I think I am in a very similar place to yours. My wife will never admit (never mind I didn't even mention BPD to her as she will go ballistic... .I am talking about her refusing to to go to MARRIAG counseling... .)

I have come to realize that some things I'd expect from a spouse I will never have. It's very sad to me, especially when I see other husbands with their wives, enjoying simple things like respect, love, compliments... .and me - nada, nothing. It's honestly really sad.

Yet I think that if in the past month I was able to eliminate most of her rage attacks, and manage to get my emotions to a degree that her yelling and name calling almost (I say almost) doesn't affect me, that's a great success.

Let me tell you this: perhaps you would never have the marriage you wanted, but you are a way smarter, and self aware, person then most people on this planet. That's all "thanks" to  your BPD spouse. Use this to help others.