Ho Ho Ho - Here we go.

[sadinsweden]

So far, it has been a lovely holiday. We have spent time together singing, decorating, and planning for Christmas. Until ….

This morning. It's 7:30am here and an hour ago I woke to join my BPD for coffee in the kitchen. We had a little light chat and he told me that he had drank my Smirnoff Ice. It was the last one. Now I know how silly this is going to sound but bare with me because I think this is about setting boundaries and dealing with notions of mutual respect.

So yes, at 6am he drank my Smirnoff. Last night I specially asked him to please not do that because I was looking forward to some decorating, watching White Christmas, and enjoying that little cocktail in the afternoon. He has plans to go to the city to meet up with a friend for Christmas shopping.

Now, I'm resigned to the fact that we can't have a bar or a wine rack in our place because my BPD MUST drink every drop of alcohol that exists in our apartment. There is no notion of perhaps saving something for later. So there is that.

Regardless, very very calmly I say him "Hey… why did you do that? I told you last night that I was saving that for my afternoon at home, while you were out."  Ohhhhhhh…. Bad me!

He's pissed. He tells me that now he isn't going to do what is on his ToDo list (He often does this… gets angry and then neglects his chores as a punishment to me... I guess it's suppose to be a punishment to me. Not sure. It is a pattern. It allows him to later say that it is because of me that he hasn't gotten his ToDos completed), and he tells me I've taken the happiness away from Christmas.

He storms out of the kitchen and goes back to bed.

So I do the dishes, clean up the kitchen, do a little of this and that.

After awhile I go to check on him. He's ok but sulking. I say to him "Hey, let's not make this a big deal but I just want you to respect my plans and my wishes. I told you last night, that I was hoping to enjoy that last cocktail for a afternoon I was planning here at home. Just like you'd like me to respect your plans. If there was only one beer left that you said you wanted... .How would you feel if I drank it?"

"OH MY GOD. I can't even lay down and rest without you nagging me." He continues to tell me how awful, worthless, and mentally disturbed I am.

Ok. So I sit there quietly, I put my hand on his thigh, and I don't say a word.

Ten minutes goes by.

I say to him at last "If you'd like to join me, I'm decorating and doing some Christmas preparing. I'd love to have you with me. If you feel that you must continue to be angry, then that is up to you as well."

I leave the room.

I don't know if this is the proper or correct way of dealing with this. It's a tiny situation and one that in "real people world" would be understood and over in a matter of minutes. Here in "BPD world", he'll probably give me the silent treatment until December 29th and then blame me for ruining Christmas. Maybe I did ruin Christmas trying to teach a lesson. It has also occurred to me that, perhaps, in some way by drinking my Smirnoff he was setting me up.

Your feedback would be appreciated so that I can handle these scenarios better in the future. I do think that at times we Nons have to stand up for ourselves, ever so quietly and carefully, even if it's Christmas.

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[Mara2]

Sounds like you are doing pretty well with expressing your desires and feelings.  We cannot control his reaction so if he decides to sulk, then do not join in.  You did well asking him to join you and leaving the choice up to him. 

What helped me most is going throught the lessons and workshops and then going through it again.  I always need refreshers!  Be good to yourself, even if what you had planned is sabotaged. 

You know what?  My BPDH won't even let me have my own toothbrush.  If I put out a new one he will use it  and then say he didn't think, he just grabbed it without noticing.  Yeah, right. 

Good luck, and keep on validating and keeping your own boundries. 

[ugghh]

Sad,

I think you did pretty good.  You set a boundary and you validated.  Just a suggestion though, you may want to reconsider your actions of going back to check on him.

"OH MY GOD. I can't even lay down and rest without you nagging me." He continues to tell me how awful, worthless, and mentally disturbed I am.

  That would certainly qualify as abuse by most standards.

He is a big boy and if he wishes to join you he can make that decision.  By going to check on him you are giving him the power of control back again.  I am not trying to make you feel bad, I followed that same script for years.  Too many years.

A couple of observations as you formulate your responses to his actions:

- pwBPD cannot fathom plans that do not center around them.

- logical statements do not mean anything to illogical pwBPD.

[sadinsweden]

Hey Ugghh and Mara2, Thanks so much for your feedback. Your words are very comforting. The situation I outlined above actually turned out ok. After about an hour and a half, he came out of the bedroom and it was like nothing had happened at all. I have learned not to rock the boat, not to expect any type of apology or any type of personal accountability from him. So fine. Let's move on ... .and we did, and we ended up having a pretty good night. I will however, keep those things you said to me in mind and I will reflect and act on those things. Gosh, this is such a journey!

And yes Ugghh… it is abusive. It is absolute verbal abuse. But isn't living with a BPD like that? I must set up a boundary for this type of thing. I feel like I'm putting out 100 fires! I never in a million years would have thought I'd find myself in this situation.

There was another situation today where I was verbally assassinated. He sat there with a snide look on his face and listed off the ways I wasn't contributing to the RS, the finances, life in general. I started to defend myself and then with the strength of a viking I just stopped talking. So did he.

Three things I must work on. Stop defending myself, do not put up with the verbal abuse, and stop ruminating. I don't know how to stop defending myself because I'm in such an incredibly defensive situation. Aren't we all? How do you do this without eventually making yourself sick?

And in closing, I have to wonder what this is doing to my health…. and my spirit.

And Mara2 … Wow, I don't even know how to process your toothbrush situation. Can you hide your toothbrush somewhere? hehee… tell him you've given up on oral hygiene . Sorry… humor is the shock absorber of life.

Bless you all and a very happy Christmas to you. With Love, from SadinSweden.

[ugghh]

Sad, glad to hear it worked out sort of.

I found the most powerful tool to stop defending and getting sucked into the circular argument was to physically leave the room, the house etc.

Regarding the situation in general I will share what my T said to me for 18 months before I decided to leave a marriage of 25 years.  PwBPD are chronic.  They are unlikely to change.

[sadinsweden]

Sad, glad to hear it worked out sort of.

I found the most powerful tool to stop defending and getting sucked into the circular argument was to physically leave the room, the house etc.

Regarding the situation in general I will share what my T said to me for 18 months before I decided to leave a marriage of 25 years.  PwBPD are chronic.  They are unlikely to change.

Yes, it worked out ... .sorta. But there have been several episodes since. Each one, I left the situation. We did finally open presents together and enjoy a few moments of "togetherness" last night. But again this morning, the hostility began again.

The character assassination is so over the top. It's nonsense, really. Blaming me for things I don't do, things I haven't done ... .he formulates actual scenarios and conversations that never happened.  Disassociation? That is what it's called right? When scenarios are not based in reality?

This time however I made a stand. When he started in with the verbal abuse, I said "Enough! I will no longer tolerate this character assassination. It's not necessary and it's unacceptable. If you do this again, I will leave the conversation and I will leave the room. I will no longer listen to your insults." And that is just what I did. I left the room.

Today I'm taking the day for myself. 

Regarding Change ... .I do believe some people with BPD will seek help. I do believe there are success stories. Having said, I will say my BPD, will not seek help. Nor does he see that he has a problem. (I'm the problem, right?). He also has a drinking problem. He will not seek help for that either. Ever! I'm convinced of this because I, as does he, believes he has a health issue. I think he thinks he has cancer or some major life threatening disease. This might be the case ... .he has a terrible cough and some red flags that most people would go and see a doctor. He will not seek medical help. He prefers denial.

[Seneca]

oh Sweden, stop telling me my life. Yours sounds just like mine. Undiagnosed BPD and alcoholic and proud of it! No problems here... .nothing to see folks, keep moving!

He has made the Holiday miserable again... .just like every other holiday. I seriously am not allowed to talk. He gets so agitated if I try to contribute to a conversation within a group. Before I understood he had BPD, I was mortified when he came home from work everyday with this look of disgust on his face, like:"ugh, you're still here?" But that's the set look all the time.How does it not wear me down? How do I believe good things about myself?

We started where BPD usually does, made our way to where you are now, and have eventually landed here... with pretty much nothing but hate on his side.

Our 12th awful Christmas... .another miserable milestone.  :'(

[sadinsweden]

How does it not wear me down? How do I believe good things about myself?

We started where BPD usually does, made our way to where you are now, and have eventually landed here... with pretty much nothing but hate on his side.

Our 12th awful Christmas... .another miserable milestone.  :'(

Ohhh Seneca. I'm so sorry to hear. 

This Christmas was a bust here too. Not as bad as last year, our first Christmas here together. Then I had locked myself and my kittens into the spare room for 5 days to avoid his wrath. Finally had to call the police on Christmas Eve.

This year I've learned to handle things a bit better. I try to make the points I need to make in one sentence and I leave the room. I don't engage. Sometimes I'm successful. Sometimes not. But with the tools I've learned, and the support from others here, I'm starting to feel like less of a victim. There are ways I can stand up for myself.

I know what you are talking about with the "no speaking" thing. I'm not allowed to speak either. If we are "fighting", I can not express any opinions with out being told that I'm "screaming" or that I have a "tone". Well, of course I have a tone. When things are calm and I want to have a general conversation with him about work or daily errands or friends … he generally checks his watch. Seriously. He's not interested in a thing I have to say. But he can tell me the same story five times and I must sit and listen like a good obedient child. I'm making progress on this as well, in saying, "I've heard this story five times already. I don't need to hear it again, please."  I don't have the time now (because I'm tougher and not nearly as polite as I was one year ago) to listen to a story five times. I have my own life and my own responsibilities to deal with.

Seneca, it does wear you down. And dealing with these types of behaviors are an incredible time suck. I'm not nearly as effective in my job or creative pursuits as I was a year and a half ago. But you, we, have to find a way to set up boundaries and learn to prevent the collateral damage which this illness causes us.

Regarding not believing in yourself. You MUST! This is paramount. In some ways, I think I have become more self confident than I was before moving in with my BPD. I know that No One in the world could be a horrible as he paints me. I also know much of the stuff he accuses me of is utter nonsense. And I know that some of it isn't even based in reality. The character assassination still hurts plenty, but at this point, I just mostly don't give a s**t. There are some things that he now says, because he WORKS at being offensive and attempts to find NEW ways to get at me, but I know who I am! This is something I've learned because of BPD… isn't that odd?

For you, I recommend studying some of the tools here. Read a lot (Ohhh… yes, reading a book, like fiction or whatever genre you prefer, also helps in non engagement and stops me from ruminating.) Take some time alone (escape if you must to a favorite coffee shop or the library) and try to remember those things you once loved … hobbies, humor, dreams, goals. Figure out a way to pursue those things once again. Make a list. Set goals for yourself. If your BPD gives you the silent treatment, as mine often does, use that time to your advantage.

For me, it was also very important to care for myself. Take baths. Make sure I look pretty and well kept when I leave the apartment. Paint my nails. Read. Exercise. Eat well.

As for your guy hating you … I don't think that's true. Aren't there reasons why you stay? Glimmers of love, hope, togetherness … ?   

[waverider]

Impulse and meeting an immediate need often overrides every other sensible "should know better thought". They know they did wrong, but couldn't stop themselves, so can't admit it. Accepting responsibility is fought by denial and projection.

They heard you raise your concern, you have that right. Nothing is gained to then try to force it further as that backs them into a corner only resorting to more layers of denial.

You did well to calmly state your opinion, then disengage. It may not change his behavior but you will feel better for having been heard, even if not acknowledged.

[amaris]

WOW... .you guys are telling me my life in a nutshell at Christmas.  What a horrible way to live.   Yet, these people will not change and I have to find a way to continue on my quest of validating, detaching, and basically living a marriage that is a joke.  yikes!  I need a new attitude today!