Holiday wipeout

[Willow Bird]

I've not been on the site in a long while and it's been even longer since I posted, but I need to 'vent' a little so that I don't blow a gasket or something.  I hope this is ok.  Sometimes it just feels better to have said it 'out loud' so that you can start to see it clearly and maybe work it out.

Christmas used to be my favourite time of year until I met my uBPDh. He's come a long way and for the last couple years he's been totally into Christmas.  The problem is, he's gotten so into it that he's started making plans, inviting guests, doing stuff without talking to me about it first!  We talked a bit about guests for Christmas and I suggested that maybe we should just keep Christmas day for just the family, since his son will be with us this year. We can invite guests and party our butts off once ss goes to visit with his mother the following week.  He agreed.  Then promptly forgot the conversation and turns around and invites his friends for dinner!  Not the end of the world.  I adjust my plan and buy more turkey.  But then we're visiting with a bunch of friends and he blurts out that we're going out Christmas Eve to do some fun stuff and they're all invited to join us!  That CE excursion was something I didn't really want to do because it's stuff ss doesn't really care for and I have dinner prep to do for the next day, but he insisted and I gave in.  Now he has added more friends and a couple have accepted his invitation.  So that means I have to entertain (and plan, because he can't seem to do that) his friends & son in the city on Christmas Eve, cook and entertain his other friends on Christmas day. And try to keep the house clean and organized... .

About a week ago he went into the phase where I am bad, I am wrong, I owe him an apology constantly, I cannot say or do anything right. Sometimes I just exhale too loudly and he accuses me of being angry at him and demands an apology.  If he tells me something and I reply with a casual 'huh!', he gets angry and says I said that with attitude.  There can be no peace until I apologize for an attitude I didn't even have (but god knows I've got one by the time we're through!)

We had tickets for the ballet, a gift for me because I've gone to countless rock concerts & sporting events with him but he's never once indulged my desire to see a live ballet. But the opportunity came up and he took it and I was SO grateful. I told him I wanted to dress up and do a nice dinner and he agreed.  I dressed nice, he dressed nice, but he refused to make dinner reservations or even let me look online to see what restaurants were in the area. (he's into 'spontaneity' lately.)  He rushed me out of the house 4 hours before the start time!  Then he parked the car and said we were going to just stroll around and eat in whatever nice place we found... .we did not find a single nice place!  I walked through the slush and snow til my feet ached and froze in my high heels and my lovely hair was ruined by the weather and I was so cold.  We had beer and pork sandwiches in a fast food place.     I tried really hard to find it funny, but you have to understand how often this has happened to me because he refuses to make plans (or alternately, plans the hell out of something until it's not fun anymore.) I just couldn't be amused no matter how hard I tried.  This was, as he kept reminding me, the ONE and ONLY time he was going to take me to the ballet.  I really thought when he adamantly refused to let me check for restaurants online, that he'd already made plans. I couldn't help feeling disappointed.  I REALLY enjoyed the ballet.  I did not enjoy that he was my date. 

I'm just exhausted.  I started out this holiday season thinking that if I was well organized and got my shopping and baking and cleaning and all done early enough, I'd get to just enjoy myself this Christmas.  But I didn't count on him splitting on my like this or just running amok with plans and invites.  Now I'm just trying to get through it. He took nearly 2 weeks off work to have 'fun', dear god!  He insists that I spend every second with him but he doesn't like me at all and lets me know how I'm failing him every time I open my mouth. My words are wrong, my silence is wrong. God help me -- 2 weeks of this!

I used to love Christmas.  I really really loved it.  This used to be my favourite time of year.

(thanks for 'listening'.)

[Aussie0zborn]

Oh dear. Sorry to hear that. The one time he did something you wanted to do and he ruined it for you.  I think that's letting you know not to ever mention the ballet again.

Two years ago I joined a BPD forum and forgot to check in regularly or even semi-regularly. As a consequence, I got recycled. May I suggest that you just keep your finger on the pulse by checking in here at least semi-regularly, even if you don't post. Sometimes we get drawn in to other things and having learned some coping skills we think we're well armed to manage our pwBPD but pwBPD can wear you down and erode newly set boundaries without you even knowing it.

Stay strong and stay in touch.  It's not going to go away by itself. I hope you end up having a lovely Christmas. 

[HoldingAHurricane]

The calm, manageable Christmas you were hoping for has been swamped by chaos (aka. spontaneity). We all like a bit of adventure but it was stressful just reading your order of events for the coming days. As I was reading how your husband has swung to a new place of, what sounds like, boundary-less imbalance, I was thinking about how my husband can be a confusing dichotomy of extremes too, which is darn hard to be around. What might look to others as an inclusive, joyous, party man spreading the season's spirit is really just more dysregulation. Meanwhile, here you are spending another Christmas just getting through.

Sorry that the ballet date didn't work out well, that's really sucky.

As you are zipping around town and preparing for Christmas, and partaking in more spontaneity than you could hope for in a lifetime, give yourself the gift of a few 5 minute peace breaks. If you can, put all the demands on pause for 5 minutes and immerse yourself in something that will bring you peace .

Hoping your Christmas holds a few moments worth smiling about.