It is just getting too exhausting BPD Mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Recently I had lunch with my BPD mother and step father. It was a very exhausting lunch, it started with a phone call from my mother stating she missed me and wanted to know what I had been up to. Recently I had been really sick and had to take 5 days off work to recover(which she seems to forget this even though she knows I had to go to the hospital for it and she was a mess knowing I was so sick). So after feeling better a couple days after her phone call I asked if she wanted to grab some lunch which she said yes but wanted to wait for my step father to get off work and go with us. This is not normal, normally she doesn't bring him along because that is one of her selfish tendencies. We meet at a restaurant and she immediately shocks me with her identity issue of what she is wearing. My mother loves to be shocking, make it about her, bring all the attention to her and make it about her. She was dressed inappropriate for public to the point of making me very uncomfortable. My mother is in her soon to be 50's and she has been starving herself and now looks very unhealthy. Once we sit down things seem to be fine and she starts lunch off with saying she is sensitive right now and wants to let everyone know so she doesn't lash out but she will cry and to just let her cry... .I knew at that time it was going to be a horrible lunch. I asked her if she got a package from my sister in the mail for Christmas and she said yes and that she got a lot of cookies... .I spoke to my sister previous and was told there would be a gift card in the package so everyone can go out to breakfast on Christmas day together. My mother didn't even mention it, so I brought it up and she validated there was a gift card... She wasn't going to tell me I knew it.

Throughout the lunch my mother couldn't stop telling me how concerned she was with how much I work, and how much I spend, and how much of a tip I gave the waitress. I believe is someone does a good job they get a big tip but my mother frowned upon it. She always had something negative to say and always was cutting people off to talk. She guilt tripped my step dad in front of him and I about how much he works and how she feels like an orphan. I couldn't believe she was doing this to my father in front of him, making him feel bad because she refuses to work since she doesn't like working anyone's schedule... It was a mess and it was exhausting. I have learned the I cannot spend any time with her unless I am going to be made out to feel guilt, silent, negative, and always doing something wrong.

I dread Christmas, I really wish that I could just work and not have to see her and the scene she will make in front of the family like she normally does. Is anyone else dreading spending Christmas with their BPD family?

[Thelma1]

Recently I had lunch with my BPD mother and step father. It was a very exhausting lunch, it started with a phone call from my mother stating she missed me and wanted to know what I had been up to. Recently I had been really sick and had to take 5 days off work to recover(which she seems to forget this even though she knows I had to go to the hospital for it and she was a mess knowing I was so sick). So after feeling better a couple days after her phone call I asked if she wanted to grab some lunch which she said yes but wanted to wait for my step father to get off work and go with us. This is not normal, normally she doesn't bring him along because that is one of her selfish tendencies. We meet at a restaurant and she immediately shocks me with her identity issue of what she is wearing. My mother loves to be shocking, make it about her, bring all the attention to her and make it about her. She was dressed inappropriate for public to the point of making me very uncomfortable. My mother is in her soon to be 50's and she has been starving herself and now looks very unhealthy. Once we sit down things seem to be fine and she starts lunch off with saying she is sensitive right now and wants to let everyone know so she doesn't lash out but she will cry and to just let her cry... .I knew at that time it was going to be a horrible lunch. I asked her if she got a package from my sister in the mail for Christmas and she said yes and that she got a lot of cookies... .I spoke to my sister previous and was told there would be a gift card in the package so everyone can go out to breakfast on Christmas day together. My mother didn't even mention it, so I brought it up and she validated there was a gift card... She wasn't going to tell me I knew it.

Throughout the lunch my mother couldn't stop telling me how concerned she was with how much I work, and how much I spend, and how much of a tip I gave the waitress. I believe is someone does a good job they get a big tip but my mother frowned upon it. She always had something negative to say and always was cutting people off to talk. She guilt tripped my step dad in front of him and I about how much he works and how she feels like an orphan. I couldn't believe she was doing this to my father in front of him, making him feel bad because she refuses to work since she doesn't like working anyone's schedule... It was a mess and it was exhausting. I have learned the I cannot spend any time with her unless I am going to be made out to feel guilt, silent, negative, and always doing something wrong.

I dread Christmas, I really wish that I could just work and not have to see her and the scene she will make in front of the family like she normally does. Is anyone else dreading spending Christmas with their BPD family?

[Blondy90]

Hi Thelma1,

I think we all understand how exhausting BPD is! The holidays are a difficult time and is often when BPD behaviour is bad.

There are a couple of things I just wanted to say after reading your story. BPDs are self obsessed and find it difficult to empathise. She won't be thinking 'my daughter has been ill I should be considerate and ask how she is without demanding anything from her'. She'll be thinking something more like 'I've been worried sick about my daughter, she doesn't care and I must tell her how much I miss her and make her come and see me so she can prove her love for me'. It's a difficult thing to take on board but it's the nature of BPD. She does sound like she understands herself a little though as she was able to recognise how she was feeling and warn you. She also tried to give you a way to deal with her feelings (to just let her cry) rather than just explode her emotions and expect you to deal with it. That's something at least.

I can really relate to the inappropriate clothes situation. My sister wears outrageous things and although not all of it makes me feel uncomfortable, I do have to tell her sometimes that her clothes are not suitable to wear out! She doesn't always take it well but I think she understands now that I do it out of love. BPDs are very socially unaware. Because they only see things from their perspective they won't be thinking about what other people will think of them or how you feel being with them. It might be worth gently tackling the problem with her if the way she dresses is genuinely negatively affecting her and if it will make others treat her differently. It has to be done gently or she will see it as an attack. If it was my sister I would say things like 'these style jumpers really suit you, have you considered getting some?' or 'I saw this lovely long dress the other day that I though would look fantastic on you'. Maybe buy her a gift card for a store? If she's like my sister she won't be able to resist spending money! Even better if you go shopping with her as you can gently guide her clothes choice.

It sounds like you’re clearly anxious when you see your mother (understandably!) and that to protect yourself you have started to pre-empt her behaviour. This is ok but when you know she is going to behave a certain way and she does, don’t get angry about it because the only person this hurts is you. I would try and think a little more positively about your meetings (hard I know). So for example with the gift card situation: Instead of thinking, I know she’s going to hide the gift card from me because she’s selfish and wants the breakfast all to herself and then getting angry because she proves you right and you validate yourself in feeling negatively towards her I would think something like - she’s likely to hide this gift card from me but I would like to share the gift and use it in the way my sister intended so I will tell her I know about it and start making plans for a nice get together with her. I’ve found being upfront without being confrontational makes it a lot easier to stop myself resenting the BPD behaviour and to create more positive outcomes. I would say something like ‘My sister told me she sent you a giftcard, I really love the breakfast place she has suggested and you will love their food. I’m looking forward to Christmas breakfast with you’. Immediately you have told her you know about her secrecy (confrontation) but you have backed it up with positive feelings towards her and guaranteed she will listen to how much you want to spend time with her and not take notice of the fact you’ve ‘caught her out’.

Of course, the outcomes won’t always be positive but thinking differently and being more positive about you approach your mum will help you to maintain a much more healthy mental attitude to protect yourself from the effects of her BPD behaviour.

I may be completely off the ball here but I do wish you the best of luck moving forward with your BPD mum!

[mysoulishome]

I dread Christmas, I really wish that I could just work and not have to see her and the scene she will make in front of the family like she normally does. Is anyone else dreading spending Christmas with their BPD family?

YES.

Can you recruit someone to be on "your side" like an ally? Are you going to be in that situation again with just you and mom and step Dad? Can you bring a boyriend or have an aunt or sibling who you can lean on? It seems "weak" but a shield can be a great tool. A human shield, haha. Tell them how you feel and tell them to jump in and deflect when she is making you feel sh***y.

Oh by the way, if you do that she is going to hate it... .but oh well. Is she happy anyway?

[Thelma1]

Hello,

Thank you for the very kind advice. Though it is all very good, but I think I am going in spells with her, there will be times where I am so angry with her and her behavior to the point of exhaustion. I really wish I could find it in my heart to go in being positive. I used to do that, I used to be the positive bubbly daughter that always had faith my mother could change. But sometimes she just breaks my heart so much that I cant help but be angry with her. Not being able to have a normal mother daughter relationship. All my life my mother has exploded on my sister and I, if we mentioned her clothing, her attitude, her demeanor we will always so scolded and treated horribly by mom. It has come down to the point on whether I am going to be willing to be saying something to her, am I willing to go through one of my moms explosive attitudes and have my life turned upside down. I don't have a buddy I can take in with me when visiting my mother, I am even afraid to let my mother know I have met an amazing man. every time I have gotten into a relationship and let my mother know who the guy and meet him she has always over stepped my boundaries and got very involved. Now I dare not let the people I date know about my mother for a long time. I shouldn't have to hide her, I shouldn't have to always look behind me and be worried she is trying to get too involved in my life like she always does... She breaks my heart.

[P.F.Change]

Hi, Thelma1, and  I'm glad you found us.

But sometimes she just breaks my heart so much that I cant help but be angry with her. Not being able to have a normal mother daughter relationship.

I am sorry to hear about the difficulties you have been having in your relationship with your mother. I can understand why it breaks your heart and makes you angry that it is not the kind of relationship you would like, and I have certainly felt worn out by my mother's behaviors as well. It is very challenging for someone with untreated BPD to have stable interpersonal relationships, so there is a lot of grieving to do when a family member suffers from this disorder. It is good that you are reaching out here for support. Have you ever considered seeking additional support from a therapist? I found that very helpful as I learned to cope with my mother's disorder.

There are quite a few tools here that can help you manage the difficulties in your relationship. When you have a chance, check out the LESSONS thread at the top of this board. For me, doing work on identifying and protecting my personal boundaries helped a lot. So did learning communication techniques such as Support, Empathy, Truth. These are skills that are useful in all kinds of relationships, not just the ones with my Family of Origin (FOO). I will include some links to more information on these topics at the bottom of this post.

How did your holiday go?

Wishing you peace,

PF

BOUNDARIES:Living our values

TOOLS:Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

[Blondy90]

I totally get where you're coming from. I have been so exhausted by my sister before that I can't even bare to look at her because I've spent so long being angry and resentful. It must be very hard for you and when you say you don't know what it's like to have a proper mother/daughter relationship I understand what you mean. I always compared my volatile relationship with my sister to others and it got very depressing. In a weird way I guess you kind of grieve the loss of hope of having a 'normal' relationship when a family member has BPD. I think once I'd got past this as much as I could, I found it easier to cope with the BPD behaviour and accepting as a part of my sister so I could start looking at ways to move forward. It hurts though, I get that!

The biggest help to me was setting boundaries, shutting myself off as much as I could emotionally and getting counselling to deal with the self esteem and guilt issues.

I wish you the best of luck on your healing journey and hope this forum helps you as much as it does me!