Abuse and Being the Victim

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey everyone.  Got my x mas shopping done for the year today.  Took a shower and finally shaved.  

Anyway, I was thinking about something today.  I went to my son's basketball game last Wednesday.  I got there and sat far away from her family as I could. She walked in after me and sat by her family.  I hugged and kissed my son and told him good luck, play hard.  

The whole time I was there I felt allot of anxiety.  I felt myself even shaking at times.  I glanced at her a few times and she was laughing, smiling, swinging her hair all around, not a care in the world.  She is coming to my sister's house wednesday with my son and I am already having anxiety just thinking about it.  I know my main focus will be on my son, and I will treat her as if she is not there, just like the basketball game.

My question is this: Is this typical of being in an abusive relationship with a BPD?  Is it normal to have anxiety after being devalued, emasculated, abused, or unvalidated?  Is it normal for the abuser (who told everyone I abused them) to act like they are so happy and nothing shakes them?Id so, I don't want to feel like this anymore.  I refuse to be a victim.  I'm a fighter, always have been, I work hard and prvide, and I refuse to succumb to mindset that I have been victimized because I believe that victims NEVER get free.  And I will be free of the chains that bounded me for so long... .Am I thinking about this properly?  

Thanks

[arn131arn]

Hey everyone.  Got my x mas shopping done for the year today.  Took a shower and finally shaved.  

Anyway, I was thinking about something today.  I went to my son's basketball game last Wednesday.  I got there and sat far away from her family as I could. She walked in after me and sat by her family.  I hugged and kissed my son and told him good luck, play hard.  

The whole time I was there I felt allot of anxiety.  I felt myself even shaking at times.  I glanced at her a few times and she was laughing, smiling, swinging her hair all around, not a care in the world.  She is coming to my sister's house wednesday with my son and I am already having anxiety just thinking about it.  I know my main focus will be on my son, and I will treat her as if she is not there, just like the basketball game.

My question is this: Is this typical of being in an abusive relationship with a BPD?  Is it normal to have anxiety after being devalued, emasculated, abused, or unvalidated?  Is it normal for the abuser (who told everyone I abused them) to act like they are so happy and nothing shakes them?Id so, I don't want to feel like this anymore.  I refuse to be a victim.  I'm a fighter, always have been, I work hard and prvide, and I refuse to succumb to mindset that I have been victimized because I believe that victims NEVER get free.  And I will be free of the chains that bounded me for so long... .Am I thinking about this properly?  

Thanks

[Perfidy]

Your family should respect the situation and show solidarity in your support. Mine does. No coming to sisters. Draw a hard line. It's fresh and this is potentially a volatile environment. Remember... the better man walks away. I would consider her showing up at sis's house being walked on. Boundaries

[arn131arn]

Perf,

Unfortunately, she has all the control right now with visitation time.  We are all just walking on eggshells until x mas is over so we can ALL see my son.

That is the only reason she will be there

[musicfan42]

That's a tricky situation arn131arn. Hopefully, the visitation issue will be resolved in due course.

Yes, your feelings of anxiety are typical... very common after having been in an abusive relationship. Those feelings will eventually pass but in the meantime, I'd advise you to seek professional help for this issue. Go to your local doctor... tell him/her about your feelings of anxiety. Anxiety can be treated in a number of ways... through medication and/or CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy). Things like having a healthy diet, learning some relaxation techniques and exercise can also help.

[Tincanmike]

In my case, I think that my wife and I were both victims to a degree. We were victims of the emotional baggage that we both brought into the relationship.  Hers was much worse than mine. But I had insecurities, abandonment fears (after meeting her), self-esteem issues, etc. I thought that she completed me though, and made me a more secure person. I grew attached to this notion and that's why this eventual breakup is do difficult for me. I feel less complete without her.  But I've been working on this and have come a long way.  My anxiety was present before I met her, but got worse with her and even worse after breaking up.  Medication, in my case, has really helped a lot. I never thought I'd take medicine, but hell, I used to self-medicate with alcohol. The medicine doesn't get you in trouble or leave you with a hangover.  The anxiety and depression will gradually get better.  I totally know what you're going through, I've had an extremely rough few months.  We can all be victims of things that are out of our control, it doesn't mean we're weak, it just means were learning and growing.

[arn131arn]

Thanks fan.  

I am starting the new year off right with therapy and seeing a P on Jan 10th... .I joined a gym, and I am looking forward to recreating my lie, planning a future without her.

Do you think she was all nonchalant because she doesn't fee/care about what she did to me?

I mean, IF what she told everyone about me, she should have been the one shaking and having anxiety NOT laughing and joking, right?

That proves right there her lies

Tincan, I also medicated with alcohol.  I hope to look at that honestly so I can see MY part and recognize where I went wrong.  It's important because I know I am not EVERYTHING she says I am. 

[Perfidy]

Could be mirroring each other. A kind of feedback effect. Proximity doesn't help the problem. I experienced intense anxiety after the r/s. still do sometimes. Mostly if I'm caught in some scene from the past in my mind. That is where mindfulness helps. I think the only way mindfulness helps is by putting it in the past. That would be very difficult keeping it in the now. I'm fortunate enough not to ever have reason to be in close proximity. With the visitation stuff... I've been through one divorce. There was a piece if paper I filed. A temporary custody award. Gave me full custody of my kids while we settled the permanent arrangement. I filed this immediately along with an injunction. She violated the injunction. I had her arrested. A hard line.

[Aussie0zborn]

Arn, the answer to your original question is yes. Everything you mentioned is quite typical - both you and her. And yes, they are much better off without us as you saw with the laughter, the swinging of the hair, the generally "having a good time" thing because their "abuser" (you/us) is no longer in their lives. That's the picture they need to portray and that's the way you are going to feel until you have fully understood BPD and you heal. However, it's not real - it's all fake on her part.

I understand the need to have your son with your family on Christmas Day. I hope it's a lovely day for your family. Brace yourself for her to charm your family and act like she has not one worry in the world. You will be on your territory so no anxiety and no shaking. Play it cool, do not try hard to impress anyone and enjoy the day.

Hopefully you will have a custody order in place soon so this doesn't happen again next year. Your family is our family and he family is her family. Keep it that way.

[musicfan42]

Thanks fan.  

I am starting the new year off right with therapy and seeing a P on Jan 10th... .I joined a gym, and I am looking forward to recreating my lie, planning a future without her.

What's a P? Physician? Sometimes, I get confused with all the abbreviations on this forum!

It sounds like you're taking care of yourself though arn and that's good to hear  

Do you think she was all nonchalant because she doesn't fee/care about what she did to me?

There's threads in the workshop section that will help educate you more on domestic violence:

-domestic violence against men thread

-domestic violence against women thread

-the Karpman Drama Triangle thread

There is also a thread on setting boundaries in the workshop section that is really helpful too.