Having a hard time understanding my ex's continued behavior

[Suznycdet]

Thanks to Skip, I decided to join in these discussions... .and reading these posts remind me that I am not unique or alone in being in this position.  My ex has taken a job a mile from where I live now... .and when we met to try to "talk" about our daughter - who he either ignores or blows up her phone... .and about cooperating as parents... .he revealed to me that he keeps tabs on my comings and goings from my house.  I recently got a phone call from our daughter, who is in college 8 hours away that she was in the hospital, so I let him know later that day that I was on my way to her - and rather than inquire about her - he wanted to know if I drove or flew.  His only interest in me now seems to be keeping tabs on my "extravagant" lifestyle ( I work 3 part time jobs, am back in school - I don't have time or money to be extravagant)... .threatening me with reopening the divorce he filed to withdraw the support agreement and blaming me for EVERYTHING... .or asking me to consider his feelings... .and if I respond to anything, I am met with silence - his weapon of choice these days.

I asked myself the same question - why the hell does he care what I do... .while I left the house (warned by his therapist that we might not be safe), I wanted everyone to stay in therapy and try to put our family back together.  The day I left he met with an attorney and filed within 3 days... .dragged out the divorce... .and there isn't a shred of the man I thought he was that I can see... .My attorney, the arbitrator and my therapist have told me, that because of our daughter, this strange behavior may never stop... .I'm thinking that relocating to another state in the near future, would give me the physical distance and might help with the emotional distance as well. 

Ok... .I'm rambling, confused, stressed and a bit depressed.  Unfortunately I had to stop therapy because of financial issues... .but hope to get back to it in the new year. 

Anyway, thanks for posting your stories... .it reminds me that I don't need to go through this feeling so alone.

suz

So why the hell can't I get over this?  We were together for 26 years - married for 24, separated and divorced for 3. 

[GreenMango]

Suz

Glad you found the the site.

26 years is a long time.

How are you doing?

[Tolou]

What can I tell you?  You are a strong person... .never forget that, you have been able to survive through this whole realtionship and continue to push yourself to do what you need to.  Just continue to try your best when you do have to communicate with him, to be cordial, and be the adult.  Know your limits and know your boundaries and do what you must until your daughter is in a place in life that she can maintain on her own with most aspects of life.  Until then, if you feel that relocating is the best thing for you?  Just weigh out the pro-cons of it and don't just do it to runaway, because new problems will always find us.  Try to think positive thoughts and be grateful for good things you have in life, especially your daughter!  Continuing therapy sounds like a good idea so you can filter some of your thoughts and feelign with a rational mind that should provide some comfort and ease some of your depression.  Do what is healthiest for you, don' fall into to the mind games or traps, you know better than that. All the best!

[santa]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm sure it's difficult. Typically running away from your problems doesn't help, but in this instance, moving and putting some distance between yourself and your ex may be beneficial. He may follow you though. You never know. I'm sure after 26 years, he feels some entitlement. You just need to establish some firm boundaries and make him stick to them.

[MrFox]

So why the hell can't I get over this?  We were together for 26 years - married for 24, separated and divorced for 3. 

You kind of answered your own question here.  You were together for 26 years and still have to interact with him because of your daughter.  A lot of the people on these boards were in a relationship for a lot less time with no children and still have trouble with detaching, myself included.  Don't beat yourself up for it.  Take the time you need to grieve and detach, no matter how long it takes.  So many people like to try and tell other people how long they should take to "get over it".  It's crap.  Take the time you need, grieve, heal.

[arn131arn]

WOW! A single mom, going back to school with three jobs and a BPD stalker... .That's very impressive.  You could document/ tape record when he talks about the stalking, essentially that is what it is, then bring it to the police and have a restraining order put out.

Keep up the hard work, and congratulations on going back to school