Hurting

[Emb922]

I'm reaching out because I just learned my ex has a new "friend" according to my two small children. I'm devastate by the news. We had a six year relationship that ended almost 5 months ago. I know she is not well and I suffered much trying to hold my family together. Of course, I'm to blame for the failed relationship. She has turned everyone against me with her lies. This is how she garners sympathy. She has everyone believing she is sweet and kind and a dedicated mom. We are both in our 40's. We have split up numerous times during our relationship. In prior discussions, she lead me to believe that if it didn't work out she didn't want anything to do with another man and would just focus on being the best mom she could be. Since we have been apart she has offered to cook me dinner, she'll bring over desserts, text me love songs, etc. In fact, she offer to cook dinner two days ago! Because of all of this kindness, I was holding out hope that we could again be a family. When I picked my children up for Christmas Eve tonight they told me they had breakfast with mom and her friend Joe this morning. What? Who? I grilled my 5 year old for as much information as I could. How sad am I? I'm just not ready for this. I spend a lot of time on board reading posts from others and I guess this is typical behavior for pwBPD. I just thought she was different then everyone else I read about. I'm walking in circles literally. I don't know what to do.

[Surnia]

 

here on board, Emb922!

So sorry to hear about the bad news on Christmas. Its hard facing the fact that you held hope for a different outcome.

Its in some ways typical, yes. You are not alone here. What you can do is accept your emotions. We all would struggle with it too.

How old are your children btw.?

[Tolou]

Sorry to hear about that!  Sometimes, there is nothing you can do.  You just have to be you and let her be who she is, eventhough it hurts.  Especially when you have done your best, it is a difficult situation when you are holding on to hope but just continue to be a good father and make the best of the realtionship that remains with her... .try not to overthink things too much, and remember if she BPD, this is not your fault, it something she has battle with.

[Emb922]

Surnia, they are 5 and 4. I try so hard to be a good example for them. I didn't do a very good job tonight. They must have seen in the shock and concern on my face. Even before hearing this news, I felt I could never take her back but at the same time I don't want to let her go. For her to bring him around the kids for breakfast I get the feeling that she has known this person for a little while now. The kids said he stopped by the other day to drop something off and today he went with her to get nail removed from her tire. While the car was being worked on, she put the car seats in his car and they went for breakfast. She is with the kids all day and until last week had her elderly mother living with her demanding a lot of her time. I felt so secure that she would not move on. That she would miss me and want to keep our family intact and maybe seek help. I hope this is a bad dream and I'll wake up soon.

[Surnia]

Don't beat yourself - we are humans with feelings, so its okay that your kids could see it too.

And even if we are sure we don't want back into the relationship it hurts to face a new guy/woman. 

I think for the future it would be good not to use the kids for information about him. Better for them and better for you too. Not to rub more salt in the wound.

[Jbt857]

Hi Emb,

Sorry to hear that. I spent a number of months in a similar limbo with my BPDexh, before finding out I had been replaced some time before, he'd just failed to mention it, while playing those games with me.

They hedge their bets until they are sure of their new supply and we get played.

I'd also been given the assurances that there wouldn't/couldn't be anyone else for a long time. Mind you, I'd previously had similar, very definite assurances that he wouldn't ever cheat... .But he did. (A lot has partially come out and through putting 2+2 together, post-bu.)

It hurts like hell. But you're not alone, it's something many of us have experienced.

Try and read lots here, focus on your kids, see it as a catalyst to move on. It's not easy, but at least you now know the facts.

Wishing you well. 

[free-n-clear]

   Emb, its' a heart-breaking situation for you, but you've made the first steps toward healing by finding this site. There are lots of good people here who can point you towards helpful resources, give genuine, experience-based advice and even be a cyber-shoulder to cry on.

         With young kids involved, it's important to make the most of the help available here, as you're going to have to continue to interact with your ex, and the smoother that goes, the better for both you and your children.

         I'm relatively new here myself, but I don't know where I'd be without this "family". I wish you all the best for the new year and know you'll find support here.      

[Emb922]

Thanks all for your comments and support. Not able to sleep much. Kids will be waking soon. We have a big sign that hangs in the kitchen area that says "all because two people fell in love" that she bought a few years ago. I was thinking about wrapping that and giving to her as a Christmas gift later today when children go be with her this evening. I just want to let her know I know. What does everyone think about that?

[free-n-clear]

Don't do it. I understand why you want to, but it'll only make things worse. She'll take it as you being a smart-arse, and that's not gonna do you or your kids any favours. Don't lower yourself to her level, Emb. That only gives her more ammunition.  

[redkong]

Emb922,

So sorry to hear what you're going through.  Many of us can relate to your situation and/or feelings.  One of the hardest parts of a r/s or b/u with a pwBPD is the hope (or sometimes fantasy) we hold as nons.  This can be the fantasy of what we wanted and hoped for in the r/s, the person we think they are at the beginning, or the hope that things will change.  Unfortunately, things typically only change for the worse (or the become a roller coaster).

I agree with free'n'clear - don't do the gift thing.  You're hurting and you want desperately to do something to fix things and ease your pain, but this will probably cause more issues than it will solve.  I'd suggest that you consider not taking any actions while you're in such a raw emotional state.  I can think back to several instances myself where I wanted to say or do something re my ex, and was glad later that I'd taken deep breaths and waited.

[dontknow2]

Emb922,

I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I am sitting in my room crying on Christmas after my ex cancelled last minute to see me and the kids. After reading your post, my pain shifted over to compassion for you. I am so sorry for your hurt. You sound like you genuinely care about your kids. When you really care, this stuff hurts so much more. Please be easy on yourself, taking each moment at a time, and not expecting more than you can give right now.